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Original poster

Partner but lunch in the bin

126 replies

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 14:51

Looking for honest opinions on this situation. We have a 3 month old. Partner has been taking the lead on food shopping and cooking as I am tied to the boob monster. I commented I was hungry and he went to prepare lunch. I had fruit drying in the oven and he turned the temp up to cook lunch so my fruit burnt. I was annoyed and bit stompy I’ll admit. I went outside to calm myself down. I heard baby crying (he’d not gone to her so I went in and asked why he left her crying) so I went to her. He said ‘there’s no lunch now, it’s in the bin’. You’re always in a bad mood, I’m walking on egg shells.’ There was no other food in the house… I told him that his behaviour cruel and childish as I’m breastfeeding. He said I ‘had a go at him the last two nights and he’s sick of my bad moods’. Last night I told him ‘I was hoping you were going to feed the baby’ (in a calm conversational voice) because I was knackered and have to express when she has her nightly bottle (which takes a while). He then walked out the room and slept on the sofa. I’m not sure what I ‘had a go at him about’ the night before. He’s stormed off into another room. I’ll admit I shouted up to him that he was cruel and can’t manage his emotions and that he won’t allow me to have emotions and that I’m allowed to get angry sometimes (he gets angry a LOT but I genuinely feel like I’m not allowed to be angry). I like to reflect on my actions/ reactions but sometimes struggle to see if I’m in the wrong or unfairly thinking badly of him…

OP posts:
MrsHobbit · 15/12/2023 16:54

This sounds extremely chaotic.

What were things like before you got pregnant? Have you been together long?

MimiSunshine · 15/12/2023 16:59

The burning of the fruit would annoy me too and if I was really hungry and told not only was that ruined but my lunch was now in the bin then I’d be furious and stompy too.

even if he hadn’t been explicitly told about the fruit then a) im sure he’d smell it and b) would noticed the oven was already on

do why did t he then look in the oven to see what was in there? I know why, because he’s professionally incompetent and chose not.

niw being annoyed and stompy is unreasonable and so I would apologise about that but. But OP he’s abusive (throwing the food away) and most likely still drinking.

he sounds like he was awful to you after the birth. Think long and hard about staying with him

SequentialAnalyst · 15/12/2023 17:04

If you breast feed it frees you up to go out with the baby, in my actual experience.

One of my fond memories of DC1's early babyhood was having him discreetly stuffed up my jumper, while standing at a garage counter ordering a new tyre for the car. As far as I can tell, the garage bloke didn't clock what was going on. I just acted normal.

But you don't even have to be discreet yet brazen. If going shopping with them - feed in the car if needed, or even the ladies if on foot. Also, there should be shopping trolleys with a baby basket thingy, so the actual shopping part is ok?

Nosleepforthismum · 15/12/2023 17:11

He really doesn’t sound like a good person. An emotionally mature decent man would sit you down and calmly explain the relationship wasn’t working but he wanted to be as involved as possible as a father and would support you in whatever way you needed whilst you recovered from birth.

A twat abuses the mother of his child in hospital and tries to manipulate her by blowing hot and cold on the relationship within 4 weeks of her giving birth.

You shouldn’t be afraid to ask him for help. You know that. It’s a classic sign of abuse to be walking on eggshells in case he kicks off. Please leave him OP. I’d also be extremely concerned about leaving my tiny baby with a man with anger issues unsupervised.

As an absolute aside, when mine was that little, we would go to to the supermarket with her in a baby carrier and she was much happier.

Catoo · 15/12/2023 17:16

Get rid OP.
He’s bringing nothing to the party and you don’t get on.

Do online shopping until you’re confident enough to shop with baby.

Regarding the fruit. I expect he was thinking how have you got time to slice up fruit and cook it for wreaths but not to make lunch. I mean he should perhaps have make a joke of this rather than spitefully cremating the fruit. But it just shows that you can’t communicate with each other and have resentment for whatever has gone on in the last. Also, if he’s a heavy drinker I can’t see it getting any better.
💐

ginasevern · 15/12/2023 18:15

If he's the sort of man that abandons you at airports and gets nasty very often why on earth did you think having a baby was a good idea? Either way, you don't sound suitable for each other.

crumblingschools · 15/12/2023 18:25

@Mountain12345 dads looking after DC and new mum should not be seen as a unicorn.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 15/12/2023 18:33

So he drinks heavily/is an alcoholic, doesn’t work, doesn’t ensure you’re properly fed while breastfeeding and expressing, doesn’t attend to the baby when she cries, left you three times in the month postpartum (!!!), gaslighted you about it, throws your lunch in the bin, ruined a craft project, and DARVOd you when you found your words and got angry about his behaviour. What are his good points?

Opentooffers · 15/12/2023 23:04

Given your backstory of him giving silent treatment and abandoned at airport, why have you had a baby with him? Abusers are known to get more abusive after DC's.
He sounds like a guy you don't need to poke much before he threatens to leave.
If this episode has not done the trick, might be worth ensuring he does want to leave, then keep him gone as its your house.
There's always online food deliveries. But I did all the shopping with my child in tow. Babies cry occasionally, it doesn't mean she hated it, you are perhaps reading too much into your prior experience. Treat it as a trip out, give them things to play with as a distraction, they might come to like it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2023 23:45

So he breaks up with you multiple times when you’re at your most vulnerable, abandons you at the airport and throws your lunch in the bin when you’re feeding your baby so need to eat. In what way is any of this not abuse?

The majority of posters do not consider this behaviour normal.

miniegg3 · 16/12/2023 00:01

It all.sounds very complicated and tbh not a good relationship at all.

As for the lack of food shopping, could you do an online shop while feeding the baby? Just a thought so you don't need to rely on him of he isn't doing a good job x

InfamousPartyAnimal · 16/12/2023 09:08

So there is no food in the house as you apparently can't shop with a baby, you can't cook yourself some lunch but you can slice and 'dry' fruit for a Christmas wreath?
The man might be a complete loser (note you mentioned alcoholism) however it does look as though you need to take a look at your own priorities!

Nanny0gg · 16/12/2023 12:43

ActDottie · 15/12/2023 15:06

Tbh you both seem as bad as eachother. You have a new born it’s going to be stressful and you’ll get on eachother’s nerves etc.

So she had a horrible time around the birth, he turned to drink and was vile to her and they 'seem as bad as each other'

I'm not seeing that.

I'm seeing two tired new parents and a father who doesn't seem to be really stepping up

Nanny0gg · 16/12/2023 12:46

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 16:20

I grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive household. I honestly can’t decide if he is. I know being scared to ask him to do things isn’t good. But is it more about me not being an assertive enough person? I don’t know.

I feel like responders are in two camps. 1) I’m a bit ungrateful and reactive 2) people who think he’s abusive. Confusing!

Talk to your HV, talk to a counsellor/Women's Aid

You don't know what you're looking at

What are your options?

WorriedMum231 · 16/12/2023 12:50

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 14:59

May have written it wrong, most definitely wasn’t demanding food. Appreciate your comment!

I agree that it does sound as if you are in the wrong in this situation.

You both just sound like exhausted parents. You could make your own food tbh and it’s pretty harsh you got angry about a mistake he made when he was doing something for you.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 16/12/2023 12:54

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:10

It’s a general term people use. I write a list, he doesn’t really look at it. I don’t have time to shop (I’ve tried with baby but don’t think it’s fair on her). The fruit was for wreath decorations 😂

Not fair to go shopping with the baby? Catch yourself on, how's it unfair on her? How do us lone parents survive? You sound dramatic and it also sounds like you lost the head over something minor. I almost let it go until I realised you can't go shopping with a baby. I often wonder why prams, slings and car seats were invented

wjpa · 16/12/2023 13:03

I have to say I think you need to prioritise.

Getting meals is necessary. Doing a wreath with dried fruit isn’t. If you have time to do both and that’s what you want, then great. But you don’t have a lot of time so you need to prioritise essentials like meals.

and did he have any idea anything would be in the oven? I would never think to check inside the oven when switching it on for a meal.

Errolwasahero · 16/12/2023 13:16

It seems to me that some if the posts are unkind because they haven’t rtft. (Possibly). Op you are understandably exhausted and he is probably struggling, but the history of how he has treated you says it all, I’m afraid. You don’t deserve that. Neither will your dc. X

pikkumyy77 · 16/12/2023 13:41

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 16:20

I grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive household. I honestly can’t decide if he is. I know being scared to ask him to do things isn’t good. But is it more about me not being an assertive enough person? I don’t know.

I feel like responders are in two camps. 1) I’m a bit ungrateful and reactive 2) people who think he’s abusive. Confusing!

Responders don’t all have the same information. The totality of what you have written indicates he is abusive to you, whether intentionally or not, and he has no insight into his own condition so he won’t change. He is depressed, anxious, lazy, abandons you and your child, angry, chaotic, indifferent, controlling, self centered etc… whether you or anyone else labels these behaviors abusive doesn’t matter. He is not a good partner or parent. He is not a good fit for you.

Stop trying to make this work. If you came from an abusive household you have enough on your plate trying to reparent yourself while parenting your child.

Focus on yourself and your child and tell him to leave to work on himself.

henrysugar12 · 16/12/2023 13:49

Odd that you can't take the baby to the supermarket... or cook.

You both sound incredibly unhappy, why are you putting up with this nonsense? If it's your house then you can ask him to leave, but you're going to have to get used to doing things yourself despite your "boob monster" - and I find that a really odd way of describing your child.

Glitterb · 16/12/2023 14:37

You have just had a baby, of course tensions are tight! You both need to find a way of getting along before it explodes and you are miserable!

As for food shopping, can you not do an online shop once a week instead of going to the supermarket? Then you can both pick food for want for the week!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 16/12/2023 14:49

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:44

She cried the last time I took her, he’s not working so surely more fair for him to go so I don’t have to take her? I can leave her but it puts a limit on how long I can go for as she is breastfed

As long as you are aware that as an alcoholic, it purely benefits him to have no food in the house so he alone can go out as many times as he wants to (handily also gives him control of all the money) have multiple sneaky drinks.

HardcoreLadyType · 16/12/2023 14:55

Josephinehetty · 15/12/2023 15:31

I don't understand why its 'not fair' on the baby to take her shopping? Isn't that what most people do?

And supermarket delivery services are also widely available.

Allmarbleslost · 16/12/2023 15:12

He insists on doing the food shopping and buys stuff as it's needed rather than stocking up? Classic alcoholic behaviour. Is he popping off to the shops every day?

pikkumyy77 · 16/12/2023 15:15

Can we offer support to this new mother rather than excuses for the alcoholic husband?

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