Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner but lunch in the bin

126 replies

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 14:51

Looking for honest opinions on this situation. We have a 3 month old. Partner has been taking the lead on food shopping and cooking as I am tied to the boob monster. I commented I was hungry and he went to prepare lunch. I had fruit drying in the oven and he turned the temp up to cook lunch so my fruit burnt. I was annoyed and bit stompy I’ll admit. I went outside to calm myself down. I heard baby crying (he’d not gone to her so I went in and asked why he left her crying) so I went to her. He said ‘there’s no lunch now, it’s in the bin’. You’re always in a bad mood, I’m walking on egg shells.’ There was no other food in the house… I told him that his behaviour cruel and childish as I’m breastfeeding. He said I ‘had a go at him the last two nights and he’s sick of my bad moods’. Last night I told him ‘I was hoping you were going to feed the baby’ (in a calm conversational voice) because I was knackered and have to express when she has her nightly bottle (which takes a while). He then walked out the room and slept on the sofa. I’m not sure what I ‘had a go at him about’ the night before. He’s stormed off into another room. I’ll admit I shouted up to him that he was cruel and can’t manage his emotions and that he won’t allow me to have emotions and that I’m allowed to get angry sometimes (he gets angry a LOT but I genuinely feel like I’m not allowed to be angry). I like to reflect on my actions/ reactions but sometimes struggle to see if I’m in the wrong or unfairly thinking badly of him…

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 15/12/2023 15:18

Does he control what food is in the house?

Who throws dinner in the bin?

What is the difficult history?

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2023 15:18

Ok, @watchkeys, maybe I should have said 'no right to be angry with him.' (If he didn't know). Of course we all have a 'right' to be angry, but if it's unjustified, the other person has a 'right' to not tolerate it.

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2023 15:18

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:14

Thank you. TBH there is a lot of difficult history where he has been very nasty to me, but I was trying not to let it mar people’s opinion of this situation

In what way? This is very relevant.

Deebee90 · 15/12/2023 15:20

if He’s mean to you leave him. Look after yourself like a single mum would in this condition. Order a food shop online that you know you’ll eat, get bits of food as and when you can. Food prep if you can . Don’t expect him to do everything as it’s clearly getting to him and with you both being tired snapping at each other.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2023 15:21

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:16

He knew it was there

Wow. Then he was deliberately nasty and spiteful in an attempt to goad you in to a fight.

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 15:22

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2023 15:18

Ok, @watchkeys, maybe I should have said 'no right to be angry with him.' (If he didn't know). Of course we all have a 'right' to be angry, but if it's unjustified, the other person has a 'right' to not tolerate it.

We all have the right to do anything we want, any time we want, as long as it's legal. We all have the right to reject others based on their behaviour. OP felt angry with him. It's not about rights. Your talk of rights is totally irrelevant, in the context of emotion.

Watchkeys · 15/12/2023 15:23

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:16

He knew it was there

Did he spoil it deliberately, do you think? Why are you hiding from us that he's been nasty in the past? In what way is that not relevant?

EggNoggin · 15/12/2023 15:28

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:14

Thank you. TBH there is a lot of difficult history where he has been very nasty to me, but I was trying not to let it mar people’s opinion of this situation

Why are you with a man who has a history of being very nasty to you?

You've got a child now who'll grow up with this nastiness and it'll affect them living in that atmosphere.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 15/12/2023 15:31

In the space of 3 months he became an alcoholic and also mostly recovered?

Either you are being over the top about he becoming an alcoholic or he has been alcohol dependent for quite a while and you don’t want to say or didn’t notice.

The thread is really confusing. It appears to be 2 knackered people not treating eachother well. But then you keep putting extra things in that hint at him being a twat for a long time. But I can’t work out wether you keep drip feeding stuff in so people side with you or wether he is a complete dick and don’t want to give the full tale because people will be aghast that you had a baby with him the first place.

But you will only get answers that will help you if you are honest.

Josephinehetty · 15/12/2023 15:31

I don't understand why its 'not fair' on the baby to take her shopping? Isn't that what most people do?

Fannyfiggs · 15/12/2023 15:31

I'm sorry you're going through this. Your 'D'P sounds like a fucking delight!!

He made you cry whilst in hospital after having his baby.

He ruined your fruit that you were gonna use to make a wreath

He threw your lunch in the bin cos you were mad he ruined your fruit.

He's taken over the task of food shopping but there is no food in the house

He was a heavy drinker/alcoholic

Your hormones will be all over the place at the moment, but when they settle down, your partner will still be an arsehole!

TomatoSandwiches · 15/12/2023 15:32

He's not taking care of you, sounds like he doesn't want to and using any excuse to not do so.
He is emotionally immature and can not cope with any reasonable discussion about his behaviour affecting you.

I'd not bother with him because people like this rarely change.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2023 15:37

As the No food in house thing is imo so strange, I really hope he's not doing this to spite you and control you op. Especially since you feel you can't go to the shops - it can btw, it's normal.

arethereanyleftatall · 15/12/2023 15:37

*you

Original poster
Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:37

Well I now realise it’s been worse when he’s been drinking. I didn’t discover his drinking until recently. He split up with me 3 times in the month after having baby, and then acted as if nothing happened the following day so there was a lot of uncertainty and a rollercoaster of emotions for me. I was still in hospital at the time. He gets incredibly angry (even sober) with me and will stonewall for a day or two; sometimes he’ll disappear altogether. Over small things which he becomes fixated on (I appreciate they may seem small to me but not to him). He gets angry often saying I get on at him to do things (he’s self-admittedly very lazy with housework) and he takes very little initiative in looking after the baby. But in fact I’m scared to ask him to help out because he gets annoyed, so it’s easier not to ask unless it’s essential.. There’s obviously more but I don’t the energy to think through it, but things like abandoning me at airports telling me to get the next flight home because I asked him to stop saying something that was upsetting me. I see it’s all very childish now I’m writing it. He is like a spoilt child still, at 42!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:39

I don’t know if he wanted a fight, but he’s very much of the mindset that what he needs to do is much more important than what I want to do

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2023 15:40

This relationship sounds very destructive. Can you leave?

Lifeasiknowitisout · 15/12/2023 15:41

Op the fallout today is the least of your worries.

He isn’t going to change. Ideally, you need to start preparing to leave.

pickledandpuzzled · 15/12/2023 15:42

Where can you go? You and the baby need to be safe somewhere you can recover and make a plan.

Your life will be easier as a single parent than it is with him.

Original poster
Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:42

I wanted opinions on this situation only so withheld the other stuff as didn’t think it was fair to him. Appreciating now that it is all very relevant to how I am feeling (and probably how he is feeling too)

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2023 15:42

Whose house are you living in? I note you’re not married.

Original poster
Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:44

She cried the last time I took her, he’s not working so surely more fair for him to go so I don’t have to take her? I can leave her but it puts a limit on how long I can go for as she is breastfed

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 15:45

Honestly I'd kick him out.

Why isn't he working?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/12/2023 15:45

SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 15:45

Honestly I'd kick him out.

Why isn't he working?

This

TheGhostOfTheOpera · 15/12/2023 15:47

So basically he is emotionally abusive…

And the putting lunch in the bin is part if that pattern.
or the not checking the oven that was running so burning your stuff etc….

And when you lose it because…. Well living like this is hard work, then it becomes your fault because you got angry etc….

I think you have a lot if thinking to do there. Incl on why on Earth you would stay with an abusive man.