Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Partner but lunch in the bin

126 replies

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 14:51

Looking for honest opinions on this situation. We have a 3 month old. Partner has been taking the lead on food shopping and cooking as I am tied to the boob monster. I commented I was hungry and he went to prepare lunch. I had fruit drying in the oven and he turned the temp up to cook lunch so my fruit burnt. I was annoyed and bit stompy I’ll admit. I went outside to calm myself down. I heard baby crying (he’d not gone to her so I went in and asked why he left her crying) so I went to her. He said ‘there’s no lunch now, it’s in the bin’. You’re always in a bad mood, I’m walking on egg shells.’ There was no other food in the house… I told him that his behaviour cruel and childish as I’m breastfeeding. He said I ‘had a go at him the last two nights and he’s sick of my bad moods’. Last night I told him ‘I was hoping you were going to feed the baby’ (in a calm conversational voice) because I was knackered and have to express when she has her nightly bottle (which takes a while). He then walked out the room and slept on the sofa. I’m not sure what I ‘had a go at him about’ the night before. He’s stormed off into another room. I’ll admit I shouted up to him that he was cruel and can’t manage his emotions and that he won’t allow me to have emotions and that I’m allowed to get angry sometimes (he gets angry a LOT but I genuinely feel like I’m not allowed to be angry). I like to reflect on my actions/ reactions but sometimes struggle to see if I’m in the wrong or unfairly thinking badly of him…

OP posts:

Original poster

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:47

engaged (but tbh I wouldn’t want to marry him as things are and I’m sure he wouldn’t either). It’s my house we are in

OP posts:

Lifeasiknowitisout · 15/12/2023 15:48

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:44

She cried the last time I took her, he’s not working so surely more fair for him to go so I don’t have to take her? I can leave her but it puts a limit on how long I can go for as she is breastfed

But she may cry at many things. Doesn’t mean you can’t ever do them again.

diddl · 15/12/2023 15:50

So he threw your lunch away because he got pissed off with you?

Could you shop if you wanted to?

I'm sure we got a bit spikey with each other when we had a newborn-but not to the point of having to go outside to calm down & throwing food away!

You seem to rub each other up the wrong way.

That said-if he's often angry & you're scared to ask him to do stuff-what's the point?

Original poster

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:50

No he’s not controlling over it

OP posts:

SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 15:52

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:47

engaged (but tbh I wouldn’t want to marry him as things are and I’m sure he wouldn’t either). It’s my house we are in

So if you own the house / tenancy in your name, and he isn't working, are you paying all rent and bills?

Original poster

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:53

He worked hard over the summer (seasonal job) for us to have the winter off together

OP posts:

Original poster

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 15:55

I used to work in DV, I’m constantly questioning if he is abusive, but I don’t think he is, or I’m blind to it. Need to reflect

OP posts:

SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 15:57

You need to do some reading on what emotional abuse looks like.

pickledandpuzzled · 15/12/2023 15:59

He really is. And he’s got you nicely trained up to overlook it.

He’s been really nasty, so now he’s only a bit nasty you think things are better.

pickledandpuzzled · 15/12/2023 16:00

Where are your friends and family? What are they saying about him?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 15/12/2023 16:01

I wanted opinions on this situation only so withheld the other stuff as didn’t think it was fair to him.

So many OPs in abusive relationships seem to do this on threads they start. There is no point in treating each incident as a separate matter. He is and repeatedly has been very nasty to you. You are scared to ask him to do things, or to stand up for yourself. He thinks he's important and you're not. He stonewalls you. He deliberately makes life unpleasant and difficult for you. That is all that matters. Why would you want to stay with someone who treats you this way?

verdantverdure · 15/12/2023 16:03

SallyWD · 15/12/2023 15:01

I think this kind of bickering and irritation is entirely normal when you have a newborn.

I don't think it is and I don't think it's helpful to normalise it.

BoohooWoohoo · 15/12/2023 16:03

He is abusive. You’re scared of his reaction which is always a bad sign.
You shouldn’t have to do this but time to switch to online grocery deliveries so you don’t have to depend on him buying food a day or two at a time. It’s always a good idea to have some spare long life stuff for days when you accidentally burn your food or cba to go out.
Babies cry OP. The more you do it, the more she will get used to it. It doesn’t have to be a trip to the supermarket but it sounds like you and the baby could do with some confidence boosting.

BreatheAndFocus · 15/12/2023 16:12

He does sound abusive. It’s easy to miss when it’s affecting you. It builds up gradually. Then something bad happens, but afterwards it all seems back to normal, so you start doubting yourself, or even blaming yourself.

It sounds like he resents doing the housework and food-shopping and he’s taking it out on you. Perhaps he burnt your fruit on purpose to hurt you, or perhaps he’s hoping you’ll say to leave all the chores and you’ll do them.

You’d be better off without him and so would baby. Babies do cry a lot but getting out of the house will be good for both of you if you go to the shops for food. After Xmas, you should be able to get supermarket deliveries.

In your position, I’d choose between asking him to leave now, or keeping the peace for now and getting him out after Xmas.

Usernamen · 15/12/2023 16:14

People downplay this kind of emotional abuse all the time. It happened to us as kids and I am embarrassed to talk about it as abuse because I think people will think ‘
“pfffft it’s not like you were hit”. It’s cruel and humiliating on a level that people who have not experienced it can’t really understand.

In isolation it’s just some food in a bin, but if it’s in a long line of other nasty things he does/says to OP, then it’s more than just spur of the moment childishness.

This doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at all, and sorry to be all MN about it, but you need to protect your child from him.

skamama · 15/12/2023 16:20

Flippin heck there's a lot of snarky judgemental comments here.

Very normal to have these rows with newborn especially if partner is working and then on baby duties afterwards. It takes a bit of adjustment. For us it helped creating a meal plan and a shopping list day or so before he went shopping.

Your partner might want to think about addressing his mh if he became a little dependant on booze whilst you were in hospital he could be struggling a little bit at the moment too. His gp should be able to refer him to his local therapy or alcohol (depending on the severity)

It will get easier as long as you both keep communicating. Xx

Original poster

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 16:20

I grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive household. I honestly can’t decide if he is. I know being scared to ask him to do things isn’t good. But is it more about me not being an assertive enough person? I don’t know.

I feel like responders are in two camps. 1) I’m a bit ungrateful and reactive 2) people who think he’s abusive. Confusing!

OP posts:

FlyingHighFlyingLow · 15/12/2023 16:21

He is the problem. I'm 8 days post c-section and as I write this I'm lying on the sofa resting, watching my DH cuddle our newborn adoringly. Every day I was in hospital he was there as long as he could be helping. He did every nappy change while he was there, passed baby to me to feed, offer to cuddle for a bit so I could get some sleep.

He engaged with the midwives to learn how to give me my fragmin injections, which he still does daily. Still does well over half the nappies, changing etc. Doing all the household chores, fetches me food, water, reminds me when it's time for my pain meds, stays up with baby for a couple hours in evening so i can get a head start on some sleep and takes baby in morning so I can get some more. If my wound hurts in the night I wake him and he takes baby then too. Baby recognises and settles on him very happily, he's been an equal parent and loving partner. Has not made me cry once.

Its your house, you're looking after baby single handedly. He brings nothing to the table, dump him and you'll be happier and have one less baby to look after.

Original poster

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 16:22

Thanks. He knows he is depressed but unfortunately refuses the medication or therapy. He’s hoping getting back into his sports will help… it may a little but he need therapy to tackle his demons in my opinion

OP posts:

Original poster

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 16:24

Where did you find this unicorn! I saw couples like that in hospital, and cried with envy…

OP posts:

ChateauDuMont · 15/12/2023 16:25

You both seem a bit immature. Your baby is three months and you seem to be using breastfeeding as an excuse to be lazy.

His overreaction was to be nasty and throw lunch away.

Original poster

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 16:26

Ermm, that’s quite offensive. If you saw how little I stopped all day you wouldn’t say I was lazy

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 15/12/2023 16:27

ChateauDuMont · 15/12/2023 16:25

You both seem a bit immature. Your baby is three months and you seem to be using breastfeeding as an excuse to be lazy.

His overreaction was to be nasty and throw lunch away.

That is rude and dismissive of how hard it can be to breastfeed.

There's quite a few shitty comments on this post that are not ok.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 15/12/2023 16:28

Online shopping will be your friend.

Fannyfiggs · 15/12/2023 16:32

He split up with me 3 times in the month after having baby, and then acted as if nothing happened the following day

It's very easy for us to say leave him because it's not our lives being affected. But from what I've read about him he reminds me of an ex friend whose gf was pregnant with his child. He finished it when she was in labour and carried on drinking with his mates. I ended up being her birthing partner because she didn't have any family. He came crawling back three days after his son was born. I don't think he sees him much these days.

Do not put up with the absolute lack of respect from him. Throw him out now, you would all be better on your own and not walking on eggshells.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread