Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Partner but lunch in the bin

126 replies

Mountain12345 · 15/12/2023 14:51

Looking for honest opinions on this situation. We have a 3 month old. Partner has been taking the lead on food shopping and cooking as I am tied to the boob monster. I commented I was hungry and he went to prepare lunch. I had fruit drying in the oven and he turned the temp up to cook lunch so my fruit burnt. I was annoyed and bit stompy I’ll admit. I went outside to calm myself down. I heard baby crying (he’d not gone to her so I went in and asked why he left her crying) so I went to her. He said ‘there’s no lunch now, it’s in the bin’. You’re always in a bad mood, I’m walking on egg shells.’ There was no other food in the house… I told him that his behaviour cruel and childish as I’m breastfeeding. He said I ‘had a go at him the last two nights and he’s sick of my bad moods’. Last night I told him ‘I was hoping you were going to feed the baby’ (in a calm conversational voice) because I was knackered and have to express when she has her nightly bottle (which takes a while). He then walked out the room and slept on the sofa. I’m not sure what I ‘had a go at him about’ the night before. He’s stormed off into another room. I’ll admit I shouted up to him that he was cruel and can’t manage his emotions and that he won’t allow me to have emotions and that I’m allowed to get angry sometimes (he gets angry a LOT but I genuinely feel like I’m not allowed to be angry). I like to reflect on my actions/ reactions but sometimes struggle to see if I’m in the wrong or unfairly thinking badly of him…

OP posts:

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 16/12/2023 15:17

pikkumyy77 · 16/12/2023 15:15

Can we offer support to this new mother rather than excuses for the alcoholic husband?

I don't think people are excusing him, but to suggest she cannot take a baby to the supermarket as it is unfair on her is ridiculous.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 16/12/2023 15:25

You probably don't think emotionally abusive applies in your relationship because you've heard worse in your line of work, but it really does
He is cruel and a bully, and I think you should consider what positives he brings to your life
I actually wonder if he intends to leave the cupboards empty to make you suffer, considering he has left you stranded at an airport.
It's not new baby stress causing the pressure it's a pattern of his behaviour

uncomfortablydumb53 · 16/12/2023 15:27

Order an online shop whilst you are feeding but do build up confidence in going out with baby. It's important and means you get a break too

Kittylala · 16/12/2023 15:41

I don't believe he 'became an alcholic' whilst you were in hospital and is now off the drink now. That's not how it works.

Ladyj84 · 16/12/2023 16:01

I'm really sorry but you do sound like your on him. It doesn't matter if baby cries for a few minutes, it doesn't matter about the accidental fruit burn it can be redone..he sounds like for a guy he is actually trying his very best. Is your little one getting enough milk? None of mine lasted till 3 months they were never full so had to do combo feeding

Ladyj84 · 16/12/2023 16:03

Sorry love but a lot of what your saying doesn't make sense or changes. You had all this yet had a baby with him if so bad. Hmmm is it possible you have a mild depression atm

GrumpyPanda · 16/12/2023 16:11

Ladyj84 · 16/12/2023 16:01

We can't possibly have been reading the same thread. He's trying his best?! He deliberately leaves the pantry unstocked in spite of claiming the shopping as his- frequent - job. And. He. Threw. Out. Her. Lunch. If that's his best then your standards are truly deplorable.

cristokitty · 16/12/2023 18:20

pikkumyy77 · 16/12/2023 15:15

Can we offer support to this new mother rather than excuses for the alcoholic husband?

You mean the new mother who asked if she was being unreasonable then started coming up with more and more examples of her husband's shortcomings when people people started answering yes? I suspect she has just as many, if not more, issues herself but she hasn't mentioned them.

PricklePop · 16/12/2023 18:30

I think you're right @cristokitty

InfamousPartyAnimal · 16/12/2023 19:09

pikkumyy77 · 16/12/2023 15:15

Can we offer support to this new mother rather than excuses for the alcoholic husband?

Just because someone is a new mother doesn't automatically make them right!
She is fannying around drying fruit when there is no food in the house for her to cook a meal with whilst seemingly oblivious to online deliveries? Or taking the baby shopping (but the baby 'doesn't like it ')
She got herself pregnant with an alcoholic and wonders why things aren't working, one or the other of them needs to get a grip on the basics or this child will have a very chaotic upbringing.

Firsttimemum120 · 16/12/2023 19:12

Having to go outside and calm down speaks volumes though like it shouldn’t even need to come to that. You shouldn’t behaving like this. The first year of my daughters life was hard for us but I’m now in such a better place!!

InefficientProcess · 16/12/2023 19:21

There seem to be several issues here.

your husband is an unemployed alcoholic who is often not very nice to you and will leave the baby to cry to spite you
the problems around having food in and eating enough
you are an exhausted breastfeeding mother of a young baby who doesn’t have enough support
why were you drying fruit for wreaths when you’re too exhausted to make yourself a sandwich?

The first is a big issue and you’re going to have to think through whether this is a healthy relationship for you. You seem to be setting the bar at not overtly abusive / that’s far too low. Are you sure he’s not drinking?

The second you can solve online. Try amazon - you can get often same day delivery from either fresh or Morrisons on there. Just order in a pile of easy stuff that you can grab and eat. Leave him to do whatever he likes for himself, but make sure you have food for yourself. No need to leave the house with the baby.

The third - it might be worth seeing your HV or GP and talking through how you’re feeling.

And the 4th - stop trying to do frivolous stuff. Save your energy for things that matter. Especially when your partner is not supportive.

FiresideCinders · 16/12/2023 19:29

Get shopping delivered if you order online

Or he watches your child & you go shopping

Or you take turns shopping

InefficientProcess · 16/12/2023 19:32

In an emergency, order a McDonalds or a sandwich on just eat or something.

InefficientProcess · 16/12/2023 19:34

Tbh, the fact you aren’t currently able to solve this food problem yourself (by thinking - I’ll just order online/get a takeaway then order online so I have food in the house) suggests your mental health is not good. Same with the getting very upset about dried orange slices.

see your GP/HV. Postnatal depression is extremely common.

Humbugg · 16/12/2023 19:47

he sounds horrible.

I would be putting things in place to be more self sufficient like others have said, eg online food shopping and keeping tins of beans in the cupboard and some bread in the freezer.

also breastfeeding is hard work! And you’re not lazy. Currently bF baby number 2 who is a similar age to yours

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/12/2023 20:29

Kick out the useless, abusive, alcoholic, petulant, manbaby.

Buy yourself a good baby sling and take her with you to the shops.

When you cook, make enough extra for several meals and put them in the freezer.

Call on friends and family to help you.

Don't take the loser back.

You are at your most vulnerable when you have a newborn. Your man should be absolutely protecting you, nurturing you, loving you, feeding you and making you rested and comfortable.

It sounds like he is failing in all these departments. Don't put up with it AT ALL.

Your baby and you deserve the absolute best and nothing less.

SwordToFlamethrower · 16/12/2023 20:32

pikkumyy77 · 16/12/2023 15:15

Can we offer support to this new mother rather than excuses for the alcoholic husband?

Agreed!

StarlightLime · 16/12/2023 20:37

You're really one for the drama, op.

You got "stompy" because he didn't know your fruit was in the oven, and you're claiming he both became an alcoholic and overcame alcoholism within a period of 3 months 😬
Life sounds ridiculously, needlessly stressful.

Luxell934 · 16/12/2023 21:26

How long were you in the hospital that he had the time to become an alcoholic and then over come alcoholism in that time? Are you sure he had no issues with alcohol
prior to this?

I don’t understand why he’s not working. How does working all summer to have winter off work out?

SequentialAnalyst · 16/12/2023 23:47

I thought he did know the fruit was in the oven?

I agree you don't sound in the best of health. Did you suddenly decide to make a wreath at the expense of everything else? - if so, this could be a sign of post-natal illness.

Renamed · 17/12/2023 08:49

Ok so based just on what you have said here I think he sounds furiously resentful and I would put money on him not having wanted this baby/ not being mature enough to deal with your natural preoccupation with the baby and wanting to get at you because of it. I think that means your relationship is basically in smithereens and you need to make serious plans to get away from him.

Original poster

Mountain12345 · 17/12/2023 19:17

Wow. I appreciate the considered and balanced responses here, but am shocked and hurt by some others. I don’t have post-natal depression. I am capable of shopping online or in store if needed, and in caring for my baby, and yes she is getting enough food - jeez! He is definitely not drinking any more although I understand the cycle of change and that he may lapse. I understand alcoholism professionally. He isn’t being lazy in not working - his job is seasonal and they earn a years salary in 9 months ish. I wasn’t ‘Fannying around’ I was finally doing something for myself after 3 months of looking after my baby. I’m not regretting putting this post out there because it’s helped me reflect on my behaviour (and that I’m struggling to cope emotionally atm and need to recognise that), and that I need to seriously reflect on his behaviour towards me. However, some comments are very judgmental and I think perhaps when someone is reaching out for help (on an online forum ffs) kindness could be of foremost importance

OP posts:

Muchof · 17/12/2023 19:36

Well you seem to have started the chain of events with your over reaction to the fruit burning. You had to go outside to calm down, really? Both as bad as each other.

AutumnCrow · 17/12/2023 19:59

I actually actually had to double-check that this was in Relationships not AIBU.

I think MNHQ needs to do something about the trend toward shitty replies on the Relationships board.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6