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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH threatened to punch my son

142 replies

FelinerefreshedDaisy · 14/12/2023 17:01

I need to get this out, I think I know what I am going to do but welcome opinions and people’s experiences of similar situation.
will try to get as much information in one go:
Married to my DH for 12 years, have a son with moderate MH issues from previous LTR. DS is 18 and living with us.
In general, DH and DS get on ok.
No other children.
Yesterday, DS and DH had a bad argument about a relatively minor thing. DS got upset and was almost crying and said ‘mum, divorce him!’
DH got absolutely furious and said to my son that if he ever says it again, he will punch him in the face.
DH is normally a v easygoing guy, never violent although will have ocasional temper flare-ups. But yesterday he was a completely different person, I was really concerned. He also made a v cruel comment to my son referring to his MH issues. That was not in the heat of the moment. It was calculated, cruel and below the belt. DS physically recoiled from it.
DH apologised to him later but the damage has been done. Today DS didn’t go to college as was feeling down and couldn’t focus.
DH has known DS since DS was 10, knows his med history and his challenges.
We’ve had a rough couple of years after I discovered he cheated on me (escorts while on business trips), and frankly I have been thinking about divorcing him more and more as 2 years on I still feel disgusted by him. I stayed in the immediate aftermath as didn’t want to cause disturbance for DS at the time.
And I get on really well with DH’s parents who treat DS like their own grandchild despite having 7 blood grandchildren.

I am financially independent so no concerns on this side.
Also DS spends half the week with his dad so it’s not like he’s a ‘burden’ on DH.
I’m in my mid 50s, generally healthy with a good group of friends around me. I know I would be happier without DH so why can’t I just leave?

OP posts:
Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 15:10

So he's going to push you away - with the prostitute use he isn't telling you about/is covering up... Okaaay.....

And this helps his insecurity because he's now pushed away a woman who committed to a relationship, marriage and home life with him (and her son, significantly) before she dumps him - even though it doesn't sound like she's shown any signs of dumping him and has actually committed as much as a person could commit.
And being left single/divorced, with a string of random, impersonal, paid for fucks, under his belt with (usually) Eastern young women who are run by gangs; would make him feel secure, how?

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 15:12

None of this makes any sense ...... And when things don't make sense - as Judge Judy says - it's usually because they're not true.

Sounds like a rather typical twisted sob story.

I agree with the posters who think he was probably already a punter.
And that it's a habit/hobby. And not one he was going to give up even when he got into a serious relationship, got married etc.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 15:16

He's a punter who considers his time away his own, including for indulging his hobby. He got caught.

My brain is twisted into a pretzel trying to even draw one thread of rational thought out of his "explanation".

I suppose "You're too good for me and I'm insecure" sounds better than "I like to fuck multiple women and think I'm entitled to do it in my little compartmentalised work trip realm, I like to fuck women young enough to be my daughter but I can't get them or or would be seen as an old sleaze and inappropriate if I did so. I want a respectable partner but I want varied sex with randoms on the side" etc. etc.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 15:34

me earning more than he does (tiny bit), me having and making friends easily (his network is either family or business contacts), me having a higher level of education and general knowledge than him. And that ‘perhaps subconsciously’ he was looking for a way to push me away before I dropped him

Here's a thought. He knew all this when he started dating you and getting to know you. He certainly knew it when you got into a steady, serious relationship, he certainly knew it when he married you, when he co bought with you etc etc etc.

So - why proceed? He didn't have to.

If he wanted a woman who earned less than him, there are a million women out there on crappy incomes, it's more common than for men to be.

(Wouldn't have been as equal for co-buying property with, or splitting bills with though would she?).

If he wanted a shy, unsociable, lacking in confidence woman without a wide social circle, for example, there are plenty of those too.

If he wanted a woman with a lower level of education than him, there are millions of women who are not educated past school etc.
That often goes hand in hand with struggling to be on a good income.

If he wants a woman whose general knowledge is not great, and inferior to his ...again there are a million women out there whose strong point is not general knowledge.

He could have gotten another woman who met all these criteria ....so why didn't he?

Why get involved with you, stay involved, get married, by a house, get involved in your son's life ... And then blame his insecurity re. your positive traits for cheating on you??

It's nonsensical, twisted and pathetic.

It reminds me of men who go after attractive, sociable, bright women and then whittle them down until they are a shadow of their former selves, til they've pretty much destroyed them .. so they (the men).feel secure and dominant.
Nigella Lawson springs to mind, and Whitney Houston (the latter being a tragic case).

Fwiw I still don't think that's why he fucked the prostitutes, I think that's his MO/hobby. It's what he wanted to do, end of.

But what he's said, what he's aware of .. shows he's one of those little men who go for women who are "strong" in some ways or accomplished efc. and then resent them and undermine them, mistreat them etc.
It's kind of sick.

He's too pathetic a specimen for you.

Hrs correct about being beneath you. But he's beneath you due to his character; not anything tondo with salary, education or social skills.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 15:41

his network is either family or business contacts)

I can't think why this lying, prostitute user who threatens a teenage boy with violence and tries to physically intimidate his mother, and makes cruel jibes that could affect his delicate MH..... Hasnt got friends.
Mystery.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 15:43

you have a fantastic way with words, wish someone like you had been my counsellor 2 years ago

I've been very blunt and I hope I haven't offended you.

Some threads on here me you v angry on behalf of the op.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 15:44

At times I wish I could be a bit of a degenerate slapper and a poisonous bitch😂

Yes, it does sound like fun, doesn't it 😀

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 15:54

Obviously, at my age I am not as attractive as a 20something but I keep myself in shape, look after myself, get nice lingerie etc…

And neither is he!

Plus you had a decent sex life.

He's a punter.

They're literally useless as a partner. I suppose some women are ok with taking their money, never touching them and letting them exploit prostitutes (whose circumstances could be far from good); but you don't sound like that type of person, nor do you "need" to.

caringcarer · 15/12/2023 15:55

You need to go to see a solicitor prompto before your resolve weakens. Ask for exh if he can have DS whilst you deal with divorce. You can tell your disgusting husband as soon as your DS is safely out of his reach. Get the house on the market straight after NY. Give tenants 3 months notice unless they are on a fixed term contract. Do it now so they have extra time to look for accommodation. When you drop your DS to your exh I'd tell him you are asking the cheating bully for a divorce so your son can relax and enjoy his Xmas knowing he will be safe in the future.

alexdgr8 · 15/12/2023 16:10

be v careful, he is volatile.
don't be alone with him when you tell him.
many women have made this mistake, and suffered violence.
get away and leave it to lawyers' letters.
be safe. that is your number one priority.
you owe it to your son, as well as for yourself.
take no chances.
all the best.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 16:17

A proper 3rd trimester belly.

The young prostitutes must be thinking "great, I get to tolerate sex with a fat man old enough to be my Dad, again".

SequentialAnalyst · 15/12/2023 16:24

You don't need to explain why. He will just bluster and argue and so it would be pointless. You don't need his agreement to break up with him.

Stay strong, you can do this BrewBrew

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 15/12/2023 18:18

@FelinerefreshedDaisy his shameful behaviour is nothing for you to try to hide from people who care about you. I agree with pp who suggest having someone with you when you tell him that you will be divorcing him. If you have a close friend or family member with you when ending the relationship he is less likely to kick off. It’s important that you start telling a few trusted people about him using prostitutes and threatening violence. He was able to manipulate you into forgiveness before but you need to become tougher to get rid of him.

pitefhkl · 16/12/2023 06:01

Is there a reason you were married for 4 years before he met your son?

FelinerefreshedDaisy · 16/12/2023 06:45

@pitefhkl - I tweaked the timings to prevent an outing as I have friends and work colleagues who are active on MN. Maths has never been my forte😃.

OP posts:
Whatwasthatshow · 27/01/2024 17:19

Hope you’re ok @FelinerefreshedDaisy

bfsham · 28/01/2024 10:08

Hope you're ok @FelinerefreshedDaisy
and have managed to get away from that awful manFlowers

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