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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH threatened to punch my son

142 replies

FelinerefreshedDaisy · 14/12/2023 17:01

I need to get this out, I think I know what I am going to do but welcome opinions and people’s experiences of similar situation.
will try to get as much information in one go:
Married to my DH for 12 years, have a son with moderate MH issues from previous LTR. DS is 18 and living with us.
In general, DH and DS get on ok.
No other children.
Yesterday, DS and DH had a bad argument about a relatively minor thing. DS got upset and was almost crying and said ‘mum, divorce him!’
DH got absolutely furious and said to my son that if he ever says it again, he will punch him in the face.
DH is normally a v easygoing guy, never violent although will have ocasional temper flare-ups. But yesterday he was a completely different person, I was really concerned. He also made a v cruel comment to my son referring to his MH issues. That was not in the heat of the moment. It was calculated, cruel and below the belt. DS physically recoiled from it.
DH apologised to him later but the damage has been done. Today DS didn’t go to college as was feeling down and couldn’t focus.
DH has known DS since DS was 10, knows his med history and his challenges.
We’ve had a rough couple of years after I discovered he cheated on me (escorts while on business trips), and frankly I have been thinking about divorcing him more and more as 2 years on I still feel disgusted by him. I stayed in the immediate aftermath as didn’t want to cause disturbance for DS at the time.
And I get on really well with DH’s parents who treat DS like their own grandchild despite having 7 blood grandchildren.

I am financially independent so no concerns on this side.
Also DS spends half the week with his dad so it’s not like he’s a ‘burden’ on DH.
I’m in my mid 50s, generally healthy with a good group of friends around me. I know I would be happier without DH so why can’t I just leave?

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/12/2023 18:51

' Son’s dad Is a good dad, would do anything for our son. They are close and DS has already called him and talked about it. don’t know what was said as I respect DS’s privacy and thought that having the freedom to say whatever he wanted to share would help him.
Frankly, I’m even considering asking my XP to be on standby as he doesn’t live far. '

Well I think that's brilliant ! I think if he is a good dad then he won't want his son living in the same home as your husband, he also will not want your husband to threaten your son with a punch in the face.

  • so based on these 2 thoughts, I think your son's father would be the best person to be around when you tell your husband
a) you are filing for divorce b) you want him to move out - 1. as I am sure I read you have more equity in the house and 2. it will ensure more stability for your son to stay in his home.
HappyHamsters · 14/12/2023 18:54

Good for you, life will be much better. Spend the weekend getting your paperwork up to date, bank statements, certificates, id, bills, benefits so that you can show all this to your divorce solicitor.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/12/2023 18:57

adding to ask, are you able to talk to your son's dad ? or are the two of you not on good terms ?

as someone else said, stay safe
and that's why I ask if you and your son's dad are on talking terms, he could turn out to be your ally in this situation or I might be living in cloud cuckoo land...

EarthSight · 14/12/2023 19:06

Jesus he's not even his biological father, you're financially independent and he's already crossed red lines in your relationship.

Your son's mental health might even improve if your partner isn't around anymore.

Startingagainandagain · 14/12/2023 19:13

Tell him to leave now.

You and and your son don't need a cheating bully in your lives.

Mirabai · 14/12/2023 19:15

I wonder if he’s always disliked your son and hid it. Perhaps that’s impacted DS’s mental health issues.

HowAmYa · 14/12/2023 19:19

Escorts. My god. You should have left him then. Any one who thinks women can be bought and sold are vile.
And you allowed him to stay around your son after that. No more OP. Get rid.

category12 · 14/12/2023 19:24

Do it now. Show your son that you won't stick around someone who threatens him and is cruel to him.

Orangewinegum8481 · 14/12/2023 19:26

MrsMoastyToasty · 14/12/2023 17:57

Give him divorce papers for Christmas.

I agree, wrap them in some nice Christmas paper.

Sugarsun · 14/12/2023 19:28

Even the thought of a grown adult threatening my DD with violence makes me feel physically sick.

I think you’ve probably over looked a lot of his bad behaviour, as if you got past his cheating then I think he’s probably done a lot of other bad things too.

I understand you wanting your DS to not be there and you don’t want him thinking he’s to blame but I actually think you need to tell DS that DPs behaviour was unacceptable and that you will not stand for it, which is why you are ending things.

If it was my DD I would want her to know that I don’t think my DPs behaviour was acceptable and that I would end things straight away because of it.

I would want her to know that it’s never ok to threaten someone, not only because she’s my child but also because she’s going to be in a relationship one day and I need to model good behaviour and show her that she should end the relationship straight away if her DP ever threatens violence.

If I had a son I would do the same because not only is it completely unacceptable behaviour and you need to teach him that he shouldn’t put up with it, but you also need teach him that he cannot act like this as an adult man either.

Sugarsun · 14/12/2023 19:28

category12 · 14/12/2023 19:24

Do it now. Show your son that you won't stick around someone who threatens him and is cruel to him.

I completely agree.

atthecoreofallyoudo · 14/12/2023 19:32

You can use the cheating as your reason, but it's relatively irrelevant. You absolutely have to leave him because he threatened your child. You may find that your son's mental health improves significantly without this bastard in his life.

SomeoneYouLoved · 14/12/2023 19:38

He would already be six foot under the patio he is ever dared threaten my son.
Your partner is an absolute disgrace and has no respect for either of you, or the poor women he pays to have sex with.
You should have rang the police immediately when he threatened to punch your son and got him out, bloody good riddance.

PaulaPocket · 14/12/2023 19:45

JaneyGee · 14/12/2023 17:26

He's cheated on you with prostitutes AND threatened to punch your son in the face! What on earth are you doing with this man?

If he's cheated on you with prostitutes once, I 100% guarantee he will do it again (and probably has).

What, indeed, OP, are you doing with this man?

Good shout not using the weasly 'escort' word. That type of man uses them often. That's money that could have gone into your shared lives.

Perfectlystill · 14/12/2023 19:48

Leave him. No question.

KnitFastDieWarm · 14/12/2023 19:51

Your poor son, as a mother of a boy this breaks my heart. I adore my DP, but I’d choose DS over him in a heartbeat. If he spoke to my son like this and threatened him, i’d have him arrested for assault and kick his arse out with his bags on the doorstep. For god’s sake, get rid of the aggressive, bullying, cheating dickhead.

lto2019 · 14/12/2023 20:02

If anyone threatened to punch my child they would be out the door the same night - Christmas/ Easter or the night he won the lottery,. Some things - you just cannot come back from and for me that would be one of them.
If you are leaving him - asking him to leave - I would say the sooner the better. There is no benefit to waiting until after Christmas.

choccytime · 14/12/2023 20:04

Sounds like a right charmer , you know what you need to do

Sugarsun · 14/12/2023 20:07

lto2019 · 14/12/2023 20:02

If anyone threatened to punch my child they would be out the door the same night - Christmas/ Easter or the night he won the lottery,. Some things - you just cannot come back from and for me that would be one of them.
If you are leaving him - asking him to leave - I would say the sooner the better. There is no benefit to waiting until after Christmas.

I agree.

I would have said the second he said it, that we are over and he needs to leave now.

There would be absolutely no waiting or thinking about it.

Anisette · 14/12/2023 20:18

Did he continue to have sex with you whilst going with prostitutes? If so, he put you at serious risk. That would be enough to make me chuck someone out on its own.

ThisHumanBean · 14/12/2023 20:23

I know I would be happier without DH so why can’t I just leave?

Maybe you just really needed to write this all down...the deceit, escorts, the nasty, cruel behaviour towards your son. The latter would be the end for me. I hope this thread gives you the strength to leave.

RB68 · 14/12/2023 20:32

Please make sure you protect your finances and the flat. See a solicitor to get clarity on the situation and what DH would be entitled to etc.

Give the tenants notice to leave as you don't know how long it will take to get them out and it will be difficult for them looking at this time of year so will need plenty of time

Lavender14 · 14/12/2023 20:36

Naptrappedmummy · 14/12/2023 17:02

Escorts and threatening to punch your kid? For gods sake leave him

This^

As you've said you already know what you need to do. And it will cause upheaval and stress and uncertainty and emotionally it will be hard because while he's not respected you, your child or your relationship, I'm sure there's good bits that made you fall for him in the first place in there as well. So that makes leaving hard. But it's still the right thing to do.

HappyHamsters · 14/12/2023 21:08

Tell him to sling his hook now before your ex does

tuttifuckinfruity · 15/12/2023 03:45

Yeah, divorce him.

And tell him it's for the escorts. Your son doesn't need that maniac apportioning blame to him.