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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH threatened to punch my son

142 replies

FelinerefreshedDaisy · 14/12/2023 17:01

I need to get this out, I think I know what I am going to do but welcome opinions and people’s experiences of similar situation.
will try to get as much information in one go:
Married to my DH for 12 years, have a son with moderate MH issues from previous LTR. DS is 18 and living with us.
In general, DH and DS get on ok.
No other children.
Yesterday, DS and DH had a bad argument about a relatively minor thing. DS got upset and was almost crying and said ‘mum, divorce him!’
DH got absolutely furious and said to my son that if he ever says it again, he will punch him in the face.
DH is normally a v easygoing guy, never violent although will have ocasional temper flare-ups. But yesterday he was a completely different person, I was really concerned. He also made a v cruel comment to my son referring to his MH issues. That was not in the heat of the moment. It was calculated, cruel and below the belt. DS physically recoiled from it.
DH apologised to him later but the damage has been done. Today DS didn’t go to college as was feeling down and couldn’t focus.
DH has known DS since DS was 10, knows his med history and his challenges.
We’ve had a rough couple of years after I discovered he cheated on me (escorts while on business trips), and frankly I have been thinking about divorcing him more and more as 2 years on I still feel disgusted by him. I stayed in the immediate aftermath as didn’t want to cause disturbance for DS at the time.
And I get on really well with DH’s parents who treat DS like their own grandchild despite having 7 blood grandchildren.

I am financially independent so no concerns on this side.
Also DS spends half the week with his dad so it’s not like he’s a ‘burden’ on DH.
I’m in my mid 50s, generally healthy with a good group of friends around me. I know I would be happier without DH so why can’t I just leave?

OP posts:
tuttifuckinfruity · 15/12/2023 03:47

FelinerefreshedDaisy · 14/12/2023 17:26

Thanks everyone. Do I do it before Christmas??? DS flying out to visit his dad’s relatives abroad next Friday. I think I will wait till he’s away as don’t want to have the conversation with him around.
please help me with having the confidence to go through with it.
here what I think I will say ‘things have been shit since you cheated. I have tried - and you did everything I asked you to do but the relationship is not working for Me.’

I don’t want to mention yesterday’s situation as I don’t want my son to be blamed for us divorcing. I feel I will need to tell his family about escorts, dreading it.

I really need a handhold…

Edited

Posted before I saw this.

Sounds like you are in exactly the right track.

Good luck xxx

Copperoliverbear · 15/12/2023 04:46

He'd have been gone on the escort thing, let alone threatening to punch my kid in the Face I would have punched him in the face. Don't waste any more time x

Spencer0220 · 15/12/2023 05:00

I'm here to hold your hand too. 🤗

I don't see the problem with asking your es Partner to be nearby if you think H is going to turn nasty. If you think XP can stay neutral enough. Also, saves you having to ask close friends or family who might be too emotionally invested.

Once it's done, I'd contact DS as soon as you can, so he hears it from you. I definitely wouldn't put it past your H to twist the knife some more.

Userxyd · 15/12/2023 05:03

Get out but don't let him position it as the DS made you - you need to make clear that was the final straw and the escorts (and the rest) was the thing that started you thinking you'd be off.
Dont want him being even more vicious to your poor son- plus not ideal for your son to think he can dictate your personal life.
Hes been his virtual stepdad since he was 6 and he treats him like this? Awful. Your DS MH issues will hopefully improve once you're rid of him xxx

junebirthdaygirl · 15/12/2023 05:26

The danger here is him threatening your son could make your son do something in self defence that would stay with him his whole life. So even to make sure your ds is not driven to this means getting that man out.

FloofCloud · 15/12/2023 05:30

Sorry but he'd be out! Maybe your DS knows something else if there's been a row?

FedUpMumof10YO · 15/12/2023 05:56

I am financially independent so no concerns on this side.

This is all you need to know. You've got the money & means to move on.

You said you waited to avoid disruption and now DS is 18 - it's time.

Do yourself and your DS and get away from this vile man. The escorts were the beginning of the end.

Go be happy. Good luck.

DreamTheMoors · 15/12/2023 06:12

Start with: ”I want a divorce.”

Then be prepared to list the escorts, his temper, and so on down the list.

But just saying those opening words saves you from having to prepare a speech. He’ll certainly react to “I want a divorce.”

Sending love and support.

Knackeredhamster · 15/12/2023 06:23

Hi op here to support too.

Imagine what a great life you and your son could have without living with this shit bag.

You don't need reasons when you tell him. He's not owed an explanation. You've nothing to explain!

What's Christmas looking like for you.

Just thinking about when you tell him etc...

I'm excited for you tbh. I live with an adult DC and it's lovely and relaxed.

My DC has had some hefty mental health problems and that's without an arsehole in the house making her feel terrible. Your son's life will be much better xxxx

PBandJ111 · 15/12/2023 06:57

Go see a solicitor and get armed with your legal position.

biter · 15/12/2023 06:58

Wise advice upstream. What a shitty man, and a difficult situation. I'd talk to my DS before he heads off to let him know that you'll be initiating and organising the split whilst he's away (but can't guarantee that it will be all done and dusted by the time he returns) . Also let his dad know so they can talk about it. The important thing is that your DS knows that the world will now change, that you have 'seen the light' and are moving to a better life for you both. Your DS sounds lovely.

Work to get your STBXDP out of the house whilst DS is away. That way you stand a better chance of a lovely peaceful Christmas together with just you and DS that will kick off your new life together. Whether you manage to get STBXP out of the house or not in time for Christmas, plan to celebrate it separately.

Do get some support IRL though as I sense you are feeling physically threatened and vulnerable, with good cause. Be mentally read to call the police if you need to.

Its daunting but you are doing the right thing. Let Christmas become a double celebration where you celebrate your freedom and new future as well as all of the usual traditions. Your new future is bright, now gird your loins and get cracking on making it happen.

jelly79 · 15/12/2023 07:21

You are thinking of divorcing him anyway. This is enough of a reason alone. Show your DS that you are putting him first x

SpringleDingle · 15/12/2023 07:24

You threatened to punch my son which is unforgivable. However the damage had already been done by you shagging around. You disgust and disappoint me with your disrespect for women generally and me specifically. I’d like you to leave as soon as possible, I have already filed for divorce.

that should do it!

Epidote · 15/12/2023 07:31

The cheating is one thing, that you put in the past.
The threatening is something different that is happening now.
I would assume that he is not a nice man overall and those two things are to be remarked amongst other bad behaviours and agree with PP that you should do what your instinct is telling you.
Now I've said that, your son saying "mum divorce him makes me think that your son have measured you very well and somehow is also using you too.

Shit happens, but you are going to need to re asses both relationships, the one with your husband and the one with your son.

ChummyChanga · 15/12/2023 08:09

Tell him this:
This marriage worked before, but it’s not working now, and can never work again. I’m divorcing you.

If he questions your decision, tell him:
If you genuinely have no idea, that’s confirms that this marriage isn’t working and can never work again. I ask you to respect my decision and my priority to my health, my son, and my well-being. You didn’t. It’s my responsibility to act in my best interests. I’m asking you to leave today.

Zanatdy · 15/12/2023 08:14

That would be the end for me. I was in a situation with my ex and my eldest child and I regret always not leaving earlier. Thankfully it’s not affected my relationship with my son, but it could have.

SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 08:16

If you do not ask him to leave today then you are failing your son.

Channellingsophistication · 15/12/2023 08:20

Agree divorce only option as threatening your DS is unforgiveable and you must show your DS you are putting him first.

Agree with others better to use the cheating as the reason to H for ending marriage.

you can do this

Channellingsophistication · 15/12/2023 08:21

cheating with escorts unforgjvable too…

perfectcolourfound · 15/12/2023 08:30

I understand why you feel like you want to do something TODAY. Completely understand that. And you have done something - you've made a decision. When I decided to divorce Ex-DH, I made the decisions a couple of months before I told him. I saw a solicitor and started to get a picture of where I would stand. I tucked that info away, and started quietly gathering information I needed.

Whilst he didn't yet know I felt better knowing the decision was made, it was happening.

Even if all you can do before Christmas is make an appt for in the new year with a solicitor, you will have taken the first steps. Better still if you can have the conversation with your DH (with support nearby) and get him to move out.

determinedtomakethiswork · 15/12/2023 08:42

I think it's up to your husband to find somewhere else to live. He physically threatened your son. He destroyed your marriage by sleeping with prostitutes. Why the hell should you be the one to move out?

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 09:47

We’ve had a rough couple of years after I discovered he cheated on me (escorts while on business trips), and frankly I have been thinking about divorcing him more and more as 2 years on I still feel disgusted by him. I stayed in the immediate aftermath as didn’t want to cause disturbance for DS at the time.

Fuck me, that was some sub topic dropped in, in addition to the main one.

He should have been long long gone.

And it looks like his presence is disturbing your son more than his absence would.

The cruel jibe is .... . Game over.

But the fucking prostitutes behind your back while away . . Should have been game over anyway.

Sugarsun · 15/12/2023 10:17

SecondUsername4me · 15/12/2023 08:16

If you do not ask him to leave today then you are failing your son.

I agree.

I can’t ever imagine keeping an adult in my home who had threatened violence towards my child.

I would show my child that it is unacceptable and get that man out of my house straight away with no coming back from it.

Original poster
FelinerefreshedDaisy · 15/12/2023 10:26

Thanks so much everyone. So much good advice and support.
Feeling mentally stronger and clearer on what I’m going to do. When I first posted I was still in shock at what had happened. I know it sounds ridiculous but other than the prostitutes and the threat to punch my son he had been a good husband. I am NOT minimising these - I can see how it could be taken out of context. But because he had been caring, attentive and overall a nice person to be around, it was such a shock to find out about the prostitutes. And because he was so distraught at the prospect of losing me, did everything I asked for, I almost felt bad NOT to give him (us?) a second chance. And, in retrospect, I probably dressed it in my head as it would cause less disturbance to my son.
But he obviously has a darker undercurrent. So he’s out. I’ve got my clarity now, and I have all of you to thank for helping me regain it.
My son is OK, went to his college today. I repeated to him before he left that he’s the most important person in my life and he said ‘I know mum’. I have not told him what I am going to do, but once it’s done I will explain to him that while there were other reasons I decided to divorce, H’s behaviour towards him was inexcusable and confirmed to me that I was making the right decision.
My son is not playing me or trying to manipulate the situation. It was a cry for help, the only thing he could think of at the time that would hurt H. When I spoke to him yesterday he said he’s fine with H now.
But, frankly, even if he was manipulating, it doesn’t matter as I want out anyway.

I will wait till my son is away to tell him to leave. I have a call with a lawyer on Monday but frankly, all our assets are separate and, on balance, he probably has a bit more so hopefully he won’t try to ho after my flat.
Not going to give notice to the tenants just yet. I want to stay in the house till it gets sold. He can move in with his parents who have a big house and plenty of empty bedrooms. I don’t care. He can figure it out.
I am scared of the confrontation but equally excited at moving back into my little flat with my son and our cat. As ridiculous as it sounds bearing in mind I have not even told the STBXH that I want a divorce, I’m already thinking about getting someone to do a parking space at the back of the flat’s garden as the parking around there is really bad. When I caught myself thinking about it, I was like ‘yes, you’ve definitely left in your mind already. Now get on with the physical move.’
Happy Friday, everyone!

OP posts:
WenttheDayWell · 15/12/2023 10:31

Say nothing, get your paperwork in order in secret, he needs to leave the house but he may kick off so consider having someone there that you trust. Get 30 mins free advice or pay for advice right now. After Christmas is the busiest time for divorce solicitors apparently.

Divorce needs to follow the law but everyone’s is still unique to them, plus you need the financials sorted correctly.