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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH threatened to punch my son

142 replies

FelinerefreshedDaisy · 14/12/2023 17:01

I need to get this out, I think I know what I am going to do but welcome opinions and people’s experiences of similar situation.
will try to get as much information in one go:
Married to my DH for 12 years, have a son with moderate MH issues from previous LTR. DS is 18 and living with us.
In general, DH and DS get on ok.
No other children.
Yesterday, DS and DH had a bad argument about a relatively minor thing. DS got upset and was almost crying and said ‘mum, divorce him!’
DH got absolutely furious and said to my son that if he ever says it again, he will punch him in the face.
DH is normally a v easygoing guy, never violent although will have ocasional temper flare-ups. But yesterday he was a completely different person, I was really concerned. He also made a v cruel comment to my son referring to his MH issues. That was not in the heat of the moment. It was calculated, cruel and below the belt. DS physically recoiled from it.
DH apologised to him later but the damage has been done. Today DS didn’t go to college as was feeling down and couldn’t focus.
DH has known DS since DS was 10, knows his med history and his challenges.
We’ve had a rough couple of years after I discovered he cheated on me (escorts while on business trips), and frankly I have been thinking about divorcing him more and more as 2 years on I still feel disgusted by him. I stayed in the immediate aftermath as didn’t want to cause disturbance for DS at the time.
And I get on really well with DH’s parents who treat DS like their own grandchild despite having 7 blood grandchildren.

I am financially independent so no concerns on this side.
Also DS spends half the week with his dad so it’s not like he’s a ‘burden’ on DH.
I’m in my mid 50s, generally healthy with a good group of friends around me. I know I would be happier without DH so why can’t I just leave?

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 14/12/2023 17:40

He threatened to assault your son. That alone should be to tell him to pack a suitcase immediately.

don’t wait until after Christmas. This man is hurting your son’s mental health just being in the same household.

CatMadam · 14/12/2023 17:44

I would consider having someone nearby, or even in the house with you, when you tell him you want a divorce. He’s threatened your son with violence, he might react aggressively once he realises you’re finished putting up with his nonsense. You’ll be better off without this nasty wee scrote for sure.

Original poster
FelinerefreshedDaisy · 14/12/2023 17:44

@Arghcantthinkofaname - I can’t get over escorts as a lot of them are coerced into it. Either trafficked here and effectively slaves or junkies, not healed from past trauma. Either way, they don’t actively choose to do it even if they may think they do.
@Pookerrod , thank you. I wish I could deal with it today as scared my resolve may weaken, and that’s probably why I started this thread- to keep myself agitated and cut him out of my life for good

OP posts:
Diggerdriverless · 14/12/2023 17:47

You don't need any more reason than you are not happy now and know you could be happy without him. You have obviously tried to get over his cheating and starting out alone feels scary but you deserve better.

Arghcantthinkofaname · 14/12/2023 17:50

FelinerefreshedDaisy · 14/12/2023 17:44

@Arghcantthinkofaname - I can’t get over escorts as a lot of them are coerced into it. Either trafficked here and effectively slaves or junkies, not healed from past trauma. Either way, they don’t actively choose to do it even if they may think they do.
@Pookerrod , thank you. I wish I could deal with it today as scared my resolve may weaken, and that’s probably why I started this thread- to keep myself agitated and cut him out of my life for good

Stay strong.

it will do your son’s MH the world of good to know his mum has his back x

Dweetfidilove · 14/12/2023 17:51

He will know this is the straw that broke the camel’s back, so no point giving him too much of a reason.

The relationship no longer works for you and are choosing to be free of the unhappiness of being with him.

He cheats, makes nasty jibes and threatens physical violence. The only thing he actually deserves is the divorce papers from your lawyer.

Good luck and hold on to your resolve. I’m guessing your son's MH will see some improvement after he’s free of him.

Thenewmags · 14/12/2023 17:53

Sounds like you’ve made a very brave decision @FelinerefreshedDaisy and you and your son will be happier for it.

Agree with @CatMadam about having someone nearby. He seems volatile and a man who can use escorts at all, let alone behind his wife’s back is very dubious and perhaps hiding other skeletons. So I’d advise you to tell a friend to be waiting nearby in a car or make an excuse for them to be staying over or something when you tell him .

Often the most dangerous time for a woman is when she announces to an abusive or toxic ex that she’s leaving.

DisforDarkChocolate · 14/12/2023 17:53

If you don't do something it's unlikely your DS will stay, he'll just spend all his time at his Dad's.

Original poster
FelinerefreshedDaisy · 14/12/2023 17:54

@CatMadam , it’s really strange but I was scared yesterday. His hate towards my son was palpable. I pushed/manoeuvred my son inside his bedroom and stood in the doorway while my ‘D’H was seething as DS kept talking back to him and while I agreed with my DS, I was trying to deescalate the situation.
DH stood right up to my face, didn’t touch me but I was concerned for my DS. DH is half a foot taller and almost double my weight so no contest. So yes, I have been thinking it would be good to have someone around but don’t want to get friends involved.

OP posts:
Rec0veringAcademic · 14/12/2023 17:56

Your H knows he is destined for the dump, that's why he lashed out when he heard the word "divorce".
I'd make sure he is proven right, pronto. He doesn't sound like he adds any value to your life.

MrsMoastyToasty · 14/12/2023 17:57

Give him divorce papers for Christmas.

HappyHamsters · 14/12/2023 17:57

Is your son seeing his dad before he goes away, do they have a good relationship and is your son likely to tell his dad or grandparents what happened. He is not the reason you need to leave, your husband needs to move out, your son and you deserve a peaceful loving life. If your husband had any remorse he would suggest him moving out and staying with his parents.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/12/2023 17:59

' and I have a small 2 bedroom flat I’m renting out so could move there once tenants find something else. '

If you are in England - your tenants require 2 months notice, and if they choose to ignore it and not move out at the end of the notice period, then you have to go down the legal route which could take months as it may involve Bailiffs on the last day putting them out of the property.

So the actual question is, do you want your husband to move out ? will he ? or are you going to move out ? if so, where are you going ?

Are you going to a hotel for the first few days ? or an airb+b ? or a short term let or a long term let.

Think about that between now and next Friday and get things in motion, as it is very unlikely you and your son will be moving into your 2 bed flat in the near future.

Or are you planning on living in the house with your husband and son until your tenants move out...

Original poster
FelinerefreshedDaisy · 14/12/2023 18:05

HappyHamsters · 14/12/2023 17:57

Is your son seeing his dad before he goes away, do they have a good relationship and is your son likely to tell his dad or grandparents what happened. He is not the reason you need to leave, your husband needs to move out, your son and you deserve a peaceful loving life. If your husband had any remorse he would suggest him moving out and staying with his parents.

Yes, he will see him this weekend. His dad has been away on a well-deserved holiday so DS has been with us full time. Son’s dad Is a good dad, would do anything for our son. They are close and DS has already called him and talked about it. don’t know what was said as I respect DS’s privacy and thought that having the freedom to say whatever he wanted to share would help him.
Frankly, I’m even considering asking my XP to be on standby as he doesn’t live far. Probably won’t as it might get too complicated but it has crossed my mind.

OP posts:
Perfectpeonies · 14/12/2023 18:06

The longer you leave it the more regrets you’ll have.

It feels like a big step when you’re this side of it but as soon as you do it and begin your new life the better.

I left much later than I should have and I still can’t reconcile how many more years of happiness I could have given myself.

HappyHamsters · 14/12/2023 18:10

That's great that they have a good relationship, your son is very lucky. Would it help if your son stayed with him at the moment while you tell husband he needs to leave.

Jane0Jane · 14/12/2023 18:14

What you do next tells your son exactly how much you value him and his well-being.

Jane0Jane · 14/12/2023 18:15

I'd go with "I can't forgive you shagging prostitutes. Leave quietly or I will tell all your family about it,

Original poster
FelinerefreshedDaisy · 14/12/2023 18:15

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon very good questions which I have not thought through yet. Ideally, I would like DH to move out as I own more equity in the house than he does. The property market where we are is slow atm, I could not afford to buy him out so the house will need to be sold.
I am conscious my tenants won’t be eager to move out as they are paying a below-market rent (they have been good tenants overall so I didn’t want to push them out. But now this may turn against me as they will struggle to find something similar at this rate)

OP posts:
Jane0Jane · 14/12/2023 18:15

But be careful!!! Stay safe

Vuurhoutjies · 14/12/2023 18:17

I think it's quite interesting that your son pleaded with you to divorce him. I suspect that wasn't just because of this one argument, but probably a long line of incidents and behaviours that either you didn't see, or didn't appreciate the severity of. If your son is this unhappy with his stepfather, I am sorry but I would have to wonder if some of his MH issues are as a result.

If you are lucky, and your in laws are as good as you say they are, you might be able to maintain some sort of relationship with them even as you and your H divorce.

Original poster
FelinerefreshedDaisy · 14/12/2023 18:22

@Jane0Jane 100% in agreement with all you have said. And, yes, it basically boils down to the fact that I can’t forgive him for shagging prostitutes. I think I could understand (at some level), a drunken ONS with a work colleague but not the premeditation that went into procuring self-satisfaction with absolutely no regard for anyone else.
Thank you everyone. Your responses, even if I have not addressed them directly have helped A LOT. Feeling calmer.
I will wait till my son’s away to tell H to sling his hook.

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 14/12/2023 18:34

Good for you, best of luck. Perhaps when you plan on telling him, get a friend or check in, cornered rats can attack. Keep yourself safe.

Lackinginspiration1 · 14/12/2023 18:35

would selling the flat five you the equity to buy him out of the house?

HelpMeHelpTheKids · 14/12/2023 18:40

Jane0Jane · 14/12/2023 18:14

What you do next tells your son exactly how much you value him and his well-being.

I came on here to say this. Here is what should be driving your resolve.

I left my husband because he'd been seeing sex workers. I told him to get out on the spot. You and your DS deserve much better than this.

I'm really sorry for you, OP. This is hard but you and your son must be your priority now.

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