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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH threatened to punch my son

142 replies

FelinerefreshedDaisy · 14/12/2023 17:01

I need to get this out, I think I know what I am going to do but welcome opinions and people’s experiences of similar situation.
will try to get as much information in one go:
Married to my DH for 12 years, have a son with moderate MH issues from previous LTR. DS is 18 and living with us.
In general, DH and DS get on ok.
No other children.
Yesterday, DS and DH had a bad argument about a relatively minor thing. DS got upset and was almost crying and said ‘mum, divorce him!’
DH got absolutely furious and said to my son that if he ever says it again, he will punch him in the face.
DH is normally a v easygoing guy, never violent although will have ocasional temper flare-ups. But yesterday he was a completely different person, I was really concerned. He also made a v cruel comment to my son referring to his MH issues. That was not in the heat of the moment. It was calculated, cruel and below the belt. DS physically recoiled from it.
DH apologised to him later but the damage has been done. Today DS didn’t go to college as was feeling down and couldn’t focus.
DH has known DS since DS was 10, knows his med history and his challenges.
We’ve had a rough couple of years after I discovered he cheated on me (escorts while on business trips), and frankly I have been thinking about divorcing him more and more as 2 years on I still feel disgusted by him. I stayed in the immediate aftermath as didn’t want to cause disturbance for DS at the time.
And I get on really well with DH’s parents who treat DS like their own grandchild despite having 7 blood grandchildren.

I am financially independent so no concerns on this side.
Also DS spends half the week with his dad so it’s not like he’s a ‘burden’ on DH.
I’m in my mid 50s, generally healthy with a good group of friends around me. I know I would be happier without DH so why can’t I just leave?

OP posts:
WenttheDayWell · 15/12/2023 10:32

Sorry cross posted see you are seeing a solicitor already, good luck.

assessedorregreased · 15/12/2023 10:36

If you had to stand between your DH and your DS then get him out now!!!! Don't wait until next week!

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 10:51

I know it sounds ridiculous but other than the prostitutes

This reminds me of a Relationships YouTuber I watch who often says "apart from the engine breaking down, this is a really good car".

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 10:53

because he was so distraught at the prospect of losing me, did everything I asked for, I almost felt bad NOT to give him (us?) a second chance

He wasn't distraught when he was setting up and attending the "punts" with the prostitutes. He wasn't distraught coming back to you after.

Someone who can compartmentalise to that extent, and has no morals, to be doing that in the first place ..... Is not relationship material.

thedementedelf · 15/12/2023 10:59

Be clear to ds. ExH is a cheating bastard and I'm not tolerating that treatment so I'm leaving him.

Pack your passports/birth certificates and keep them in your handbag so you've got them to hand straight away.

You can fill out a redirection with Royal Mail online today.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 11:04

But because he had been caring, attentive and overall a nice person to be around, it was such a shock to find out about the prostitutes.

No doubt ... But it's an indication that he has a front. That he is not what he presents as. He's not "real" as it were.

Also, as an aside, prostitutes - contrary to half of MN thinking they're belle du jour in the Dorchester - are usually pretty disadvantaged and under privileged young women. Reading UK punting shows what the standard end of prostitution is like .... And anyone who uses it has a serious lack of decency and integrity and empathy. That's without even taking cheating on their spouses into account.

Then theres the fact they crossed the line to pay for sex - is bought consent, real consent? - and kept crossing it; something that should be enthusiastically consented to by "free" human beings, with people they want to have sex with , without money or a pimp telling them to do it ....says a lot about a person's character.

I have no idea how we got onto the subject, but recently on a road trip my uncle told me that men he's known, while in the army etc, have used prostitutes/gone to brothels and that he physically couldn't do that - because he has to like a woman, have feelings for her, have a connection.

That's the sort of person you want in a partner; not someone who puts sex in the "get an oil change, buy a meal" category. It's bad enough single, but doing it behind a spouse's back ......

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 11:09

caring, attentive and overall a nice person to be around

His recent behaviour to your son also goes to show this is a fallacy.

He's nasty, he's cruel, he threatens violence, he's irresponsible (saying that to a teenager).

Sugarsun · 15/12/2023 11:09

Wow what an amazing update OP!

Just from the tone of your message it’s obvious that you’ve woken up and know that you are way too good for this man.

You sound like an incredibly strong, independent women and it sounds like you just forgot that for a while but now you have got your power back.

This man is a wrongen.
There are some men who are lazy or moody but this man has done some of the worst behaviour a man can do and I think underneath he is a very different man to the caring one you thought he was.

I’m so happy that you and your son won’t be around him much longer.
As PPs have said, you may find that your sons issues improve once he’s away from someone like your now ex.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 11:22

DH stood right up to my face

This is also a form of domestic violence. Whether he put his hands on you or not.

He was physically dominating and intimidating you.

He can have as many "nice" sides as you like, but the bottom line is that he's capable of being bullying, cruel. On top of that he's a cheating, brothel crawler.

And a shit step parent to boot. You need a grown ass man with circumspection and control of himself and a lack of ego, who's above scoring points, genuinely kind etc to be a decent step parent. He's not.

Who wants a fucking punter who's shagging potentially gang-run young women behind your back as a role model in your home for your son anyway; sitting at the dinner table and in the living room with him; fuck no. It doesn't matter if your son doesn't know, it's sickening.

Get out, get your money out and be glad he never gave you herpes.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 11:33

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 10:53

because he was so distraught at the prospect of losing me, did everything I asked for, I almost felt bad NOT to give him (us?) a second chance

He wasn't distraught when he was setting up and attending the "punts" with the prostitutes. He wasn't distraught coming back to you after.

Someone who can compartmentalise to that extent, and has no morals, to be doing that in the first place ..... Is not relationship material.

Edited

Just to add - he must have thought, no matter what he said - that you're an absolute soft touch, with extremely low expectations & standards, easily manipulated - to have stayed with him after you found out that.

Presumably that's another reason he thinks he can do what he likes around you son.

He thinks you're a door mat, no matter what niceties he's saying to your face.

Where do you think he'd have been, if you'd been caught setting up and shagging male escorts (or even random hookups) on work trips repeatedly and then coming back and sleeping with him? Would he have hung around - would you still be living with him - to say cruel, irresponsible, potentially derailing things to his teenager with mh problems? Doubt it.

He'd think you were a degenerate slapper and a poisonous bitch.

It's interesting when we apply the same standards to men and women.

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 12:08

I’m so glad you’ve made the decision OP.

Realistically he’s probably been using escorts for your whole relationship, so I would get your sexual health checked out asap.

rosyglowcondition · 15/12/2023 12:41

He cheats with escorts? You do know what to do.

TeaMistress · 15/12/2023 13:05

Honestly you're doing the right thing. He is an abusive cheating piece of filth. Can you get your son and yourself to somewhere safe and start divorce proceedings. You need to let police know you're scared for your safety and ask them for support in leaving him safely.

Original poster
FelinerefreshedDaisy · 15/12/2023 13:14

@Ladolcevita233 you have a fantastic way with words, wish someone like you had been my counsellor 2 years ago. 😀
I think the way I was brought up has a lot to do with me ‘being nice’ to others- at the expense of not being ni to myself. Not blaming my parents, simply recognising the roots.
Once I get some distance, I know what the right thing to do is. So if I was advising a friend in my situation, I would be saying what everyone here has said. But when it comes to myself, I kinda freeze if makes sense?
At times I wish I could be a bit of a degenerate slapper and a poisonous bitch😂, so much less stress to go with your instincts than to fight against them.

OP posts:
HelpMeHelpTheKids · 15/12/2023 13:19

FelinerefreshedDaisy · 15/12/2023 13:14

@Ladolcevita233 you have a fantastic way with words, wish someone like you had been my counsellor 2 years ago. 😀
I think the way I was brought up has a lot to do with me ‘being nice’ to others- at the expense of not being ni to myself. Not blaming my parents, simply recognising the roots.
Once I get some distance, I know what the right thing to do is. So if I was advising a friend in my situation, I would be saying what everyone here has said. But when it comes to myself, I kinda freeze if makes sense?
At times I wish I could be a bit of a degenerate slapper and a poisonous bitch😂, so much less stress to go with your instincts than to fight against them.

That makes complete sense, and I think it's a response that many of us in similar situations recognise. Nonetheless, you've got visibility of your own thought processes and you're overcoming them to do the right thing. You should be bloody proud of that.

From personal experience, I can tell you that this will be bloody hard but will ultimately help you to grow into a stronger person with better boundaries, and that that will be such a good model for your son.

Original poster
FelinerefreshedDaisy · 15/12/2023 13:22

And re:escorts. It was a complete bolt out of the blue. Our sex life was good, there was no unusual stressful situations. He said he he didn’t know why he did it, ‘perhaps because he felt insecure’ 🥴
Obviously, at my age I am not as attractive as a 20something but I keep myself in shape, look after myself, get nice lingerie etc…
Thank you everyone, I needed what I already knew spelt out for me.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/12/2023 13:39

Just out of interest - does / did he keep himself in shape, look after himself ?

Why would he think ' perhaps because he felt insecure '
it is prostitutes he is/was paying for, so it is a job for them - they don't / didn't fancy / like / love him

not a mistress / girlfriend half his age ! who may like / love / fancy him.

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 13:44

FelinerefreshedDaisy · 15/12/2023 13:22

And re:escorts. It was a complete bolt out of the blue. Our sex life was good, there was no unusual stressful situations. He said he he didn’t know why he did it, ‘perhaps because he felt insecure’ 🥴
Obviously, at my age I am not as attractive as a 20something but I keep myself in shape, look after myself, get nice lingerie etc…
Thank you everyone, I needed what I already knew spelt out for me.

If your sex life was fine it was clearly not because he was suddenly not getting any and wanting it from somewhere. So where does insecurity fit in?

As I said, I’d assume he’s always used escorts but you only just found out.

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 13:46

Personally I think the insecurity thing is cobblers but to take it at face value - a man who turns to prostitutes when he is insecure - has used them before.

Original poster
FelinerefreshedDaisy · 15/12/2023 13:52

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/12/2023 13:39

Just out of interest - does / did he keep himself in shape, look after himself ?

Why would he think ' perhaps because he felt insecure '
it is prostitutes he is/was paying for, so it is a job for them - they don't / didn't fancy / like / love him

not a mistress / girlfriend half his age ! who may like / love / fancy him.

He does dress well and takes pride in his appearance but he’s seriously overweight! A proper 3rd trimester belly. He can carry it off (just about) as he’s tall and has a slim face. But he does look his age…
The reasons he quoted for feeling insecure: me earning more than he does (tiny bit), me having and making friends easily (his network is either family or business contacts), me having a higher level of education and general knowledge than him. And that ‘perhaps subconsciously’ he was looking for a way to push me away before I dropped him’.
A lot of BS but I stupidly bought it.

OP posts:
Original poster
FelinerefreshedDaisy · 15/12/2023 13:56

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 13:46

Personally I think the insecurity thing is cobblers but to take it at face value - a man who turns to prostitutes when he is insecure - has used them before.

Edited

I know. Now. But I was in such a shock at the time and I was desperate to understand WHY? Why, when you have a loving wife, a happy family set-up would you do something like this? Over and over again?

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/12/2023 14:06

Nice, so it's all ' your fault ' !

Your fault you earn more
Your fault you are better educated
Your fault you have more / better friends

I suppose if you shop / cook / choose the meals then it's your fault he is fat too...

Talk about not taking responsibility for visiting a prostitute, but turning it into a sob story.

Stupid boy.

HelpMeHelpTheKids · 15/12/2023 14:08

FelinerefreshedDaisy · 15/12/2023 13:56

I know. Now. But I was in such a shock at the time and I was desperate to understand WHY? Why, when you have a loving wife, a happy family set-up would you do something like this? Over and over again?

Show quote history

I've asked myself this so many times about my exDH over the last few years. We had a great sex life and a loving relationship that he was very happy with which he's mourning now he's blown it. He said that it became a coping technique and he had a tendency to need secrets/compartmentalisation because of his dysfunctional childhood. Possibly true, but in the end I decided I would never understand, that I have huge moral issues with sex work and it wasn't my problem anyway.

Sympathy and support to you, OP.

Mirabai · 15/12/2023 14:11

FelinerefreshedDaisy · 15/12/2023 13:56

I know. Now. But I was in such a shock at the time and I was desperate to understand WHY? Why, when you have a loving wife, a happy family set-up would you do something like this? Over and over again?

Show quote history

Because it was a habit before you even got married and he just continued. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you but it does mean he is irredeemably ick.

Ladolcevita233 · 15/12/2023 15:04

The reasons he quoted for feeling insecure: me earning more than he does (tiny bit), me having and making friends easily (his network is either family or business contacts), me having a higher level of education and general knowledge than him. And that ‘perhaps subconsciously’ he was looking for a way to push me away before I dropped him’.

After marrying him, cohabiting with him, co-buying with him, and having him in your son's home & life?

Anyway .... How was he going to push you away with it, but he didn't tell you about his prostitution use? Which he didn't, did he?

He never told you (you found out) and he continued to sleep with you (?)

So how was this strategy of having sex with prostitutes while working away going to push you away exactly??