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Original poster

Fallen for a widower who isn't ready

107 replies

alysrivers · 13/12/2023 11:36

I have been dating a widower for over a year. We met online not long after the sudden death of his wife, and it is now 18 months since she died, so early days.

We have been getting on very well, spending time together, texting throughout the day, on the phone multiple times a day sometimes. He calls when he leaves work, when he's doing his shopping, messages me about all sorts. We are going away on holiday next week and he's talking about holiday plans for next year too. He has brought me a lot of happiness and at this stage I feel like I have fallen for him.

However, despite all that, he remains unable to commit. He is still active on dating sites and this all came up when I found out about that a few weeks ago. He said we had agreed to go with the flow from the start (which is what I thought we were doing) and that he's not ready for a relationship as he still isn't over the death of his wife. I understand that and empathise. It hasn't been long and I know he is dealing with a lot of stuff that I don't need to get into here. I considered walking but ultimately didn't. We are getting on better than ever now.

A part of me wants to tell him how I feel about him...not with an expectation for him to say it back but I feel I'd like him to know...cards on the table so to speak. The other part of me doesn't want to put pressure on him either, or make things awkward. Should I let him know how I feel about him, or is it unfair at this stage?

OP posts:
MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 13/12/2023 11:38

It’s very sad that he lost his wife but I feel like he’s really taking the piss here. He’s making an absolute mockery of you and your feelings. He shouldn’t be dating and going on holiday and everything else with someone if he isn’t ready for a relationship!

HollyBollyBooBoo · 13/12/2023 11:40

Walk away, honestly.

IncompleteSenten · 13/12/2023 11:40

I wouldn't open myself up like that to someone who was happily keeping his options open and not even being honest about that, only saying something when you happened to find out.

I'd prioritise protecting myself from hurt over making myself vulnerable hoping he'd come off the dating sites and be with me.

MoisturiseYourMoose · 13/12/2023 11:43

MarleyandMarleyWoooo · 13/12/2023 11:38

It’s very sad that he lost his wife but I feel like he’s really taking the piss here. He’s making an absolute mockery of you and your feelings. He shouldn’t be dating and going on holiday and everything else with someone if he isn’t ready for a relationship!

Wholly agree with this. He really is taking the piss.

HappyHamsters · 13/12/2023 11:43

It's not just all about him, he has said he is not ready for a relationship and is still on dating sites. If you're happy with this casual fling then fine but he is not going to commit to you, I would walk and leave on good terms as friends.

GreigeO · 13/12/2023 11:44

If you’re messaging at all times, and calling lots, and going on holiday, then of course it’s a relationship! It doesn’t matter if he wants to call at one or not, it is.

However, if he is on dating sites, then it’s clearly an open relationship.

Is that what you want? Would you have signed up to an open relationship?

The exception to this of course is if you haven’t slept together.

SamW98 · 13/12/2023 11:46

So he was on dating sites 6 months after his wife died? That seems pretty quick but I accept everyone is different.

Personally I’d say he’s looking for friends and companionship (and sex) after a long relationship and he’s not looking to commit to one person any time soon.

If that works for you then all well and good but it wouldn’t be for me. If you want a relationship, he’s not the one right now.

Quickredfox · 13/12/2023 11:47

He’s keeping his options open and seeing if something better comes along.

Original poster
alysrivers · 13/12/2023 11:49

I'm ok with open relationships, but that usually involves both parties agreeing, with boundaries etc that's what it is...or at least acknowledging that a relationship exists. His marriage was an open one.

OP posts:
LastYearsChristmasStamps · 13/12/2023 11:52

His marriage was an open one.

It may be that you just have different expectations and he'll never be ready for the sort of relationship you want. I think you should walk away.

HappyHamsters · 13/12/2023 11:55

I would be cautious about having a relationship with someone who had an open marriage, how many other partners did they both have, not a person I would personally put too much effort into unless it's just a casual friends with benefits situation.

Over40Overdating · 13/12/2023 11:58

Sadly @alysrivers you might be his soft landing pad into being ready for a relationship.

I found myself in a similar relationship : not a widower but recently out of a very long marriage and moved very quickly to daily texting, seeing each other multiple times a week, chatting and holidays.
Imagine my surprise to be dumped a year later because it was ‘clearly just a casual fling’ as he decided what he wanted from life. And what he wanted was to be shagging anything that moved now he’d mended his heart from the comfort and safety of a relationship he had no intention of committing to.

There is a huge difference between an open relationship and keeping your options open.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 13/12/2023 11:59

Met not long after the sudden death of his wife and now you’re wondering and realising that he’s not ready. Have a word with yourself, did you sneak in there and take advantage?

HappyHamsters · 13/12/2023 11:59

How do you know he had an open marriage, is that what he told you, maybe he just had lots of affairs, his wife may not have agreed or known.

slowwalkofshame · 13/12/2023 12:00

Sadly I think it sounds like he is using you as an emotional comfort blanket as he recovers from the loss of his wife while keeping his options open. If when he feels ready and thinks there are "better" options then you he will go for them if not he may be prepared to settle for you. Personally I wouldn't wait about to find out, its time for him to either come off the dating apps and make a proper go of it with you or he can go on and keep his options open on his own. At this point he's using his wife's death as an excuse to keep you at arms length while taking what he needs from you.

EmmaEmerald · 13/12/2023 12:01

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 13/12/2023 11:59

Met not long after the sudden death of his wife and now you’re wondering and realising that he’s not ready. Have a word with yourself, did you sneak in there and take advantage?

Did you read the thread?

OP it sounds like natural progression...first calling things "open relationships" and then not calling them relationships. Call it what you want to...does it change the set up? Not really.

Panaa · 13/12/2023 12:02

Agree with PP. First thing I thought was he's taking the piss.

He said he's not over his wife, but he's been seeing you for over a year and doing all of the normal relationship stuff and is still on dating sites.
He should be taking time to himself if he's not over his wife, not looking for more women to add to the mix.

Cakester · 13/12/2023 12:02

Just seems like someone still grieving and not wanting the same thing you do. People experiencing loss won't necessarily behave in a way you might expect or think tis fair, but you must take onboard what he's going through and what he is saying to you. Protect yourself and your feelings, and if you don't think you want the same thing, find someone who does. Good luck.

Original poster
alysrivers · 13/12/2023 12:03

HappyHamsters · 13/12/2023 11:59

How do you know he had an open marriage, is that what he told you, maybe he just had lots of affairs, his wife may not have agreed or known.

They were swingers

OP posts:
SamW98 · 13/12/2023 12:03

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 13/12/2023 11:59

Met not long after the sudden death of his wife and now you’re wondering and realising that he’s not ready. Have a word with yourself, did you sneak in there and take advantage?

Have you read the OP? They met online so she hardly ‘sneaked on there’

Chewbecca · 13/12/2023 12:05

Not committing and keeping the relationship to dates and having a nice time - fine.
Being on dating sites at the same time - not fine. (Assuming you are sleeping together?).
I wouldn't force him to commit but I would not continue the relationship if he dated others.

Original poster
alysrivers · 13/12/2023 12:05

Cakester · 13/12/2023 12:02

Just seems like someone still grieving and not wanting the same thing you do. People experiencing loss won't necessarily behave in a way you might expect or think tis fair, but you must take onboard what he's going through and what he is saying to you. Protect yourself and your feelings, and if you don't think you want the same thing, find someone who does. Good luck.

In this context, and bearing in mind what he's going through, is it unfair of me to load it on him and ask him to decide if he wants a relationship? Or do I need to do this to protect myself?

OP posts:
Cakester · 13/12/2023 12:08

alysrivers · 13/12/2023 12:05

In this context, and bearing in mind what he's going through, is it unfair of me to load it on him and ask him to decide if he wants a relationship? Or do I need to do this to protect myself?

Show quote history

Your OP says he has said he is not ready for a relationship. It seems like he has already told you where he is at. I understand it can be hurtful when someone isn't as ready as you are to commit, but its better for you to accept it and decide if you still want this relationship/friendship, or its time for you to find something that suits you more.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 13/12/2023 12:09

GreigeO · 13/12/2023 11:44

If you’re messaging at all times, and calling lots, and going on holiday, then of course it’s a relationship! It doesn’t matter if he wants to call at one or not, it is.

However, if he is on dating sites, then it’s clearly an open relationship.

Is that what you want? Would you have signed up to an open relationship?

The exception to this of course is if you haven’t slept together.

This is fucking bananas 😂 of course you can’t just decide you’re in a relationship with someone without their consent and this man has clearly not agreed to be in a relationship.

I think he’s taking the piss OP and using his wife’s death as an excuse. He’s having his cake and eating it here!

Original poster
alysrivers · 13/12/2023 12:10

Over40Overdating · 13/12/2023 11:58

Sadly @alysrivers you might be his soft landing pad into being ready for a relationship.

I found myself in a similar relationship : not a widower but recently out of a very long marriage and moved very quickly to daily texting, seeing each other multiple times a week, chatting and holidays.
Imagine my surprise to be dumped a year later because it was ‘clearly just a casual fling’ as he decided what he wanted from life. And what he wanted was to be shagging anything that moved now he’d mended his heart from the comfort and safety of a relationship he had no intention of committing to.

There is a huge difference between an open relationship and keeping your options open.

This is what I'm ultimately afraid of happening, that he will turn around and say, well it was always just casual etc..., while I've become invested emotionally.

OP posts: