Fallen for a widower who isn't ready

[alysrivers]

I have been dating a widower for over a year. We met online not long after the sudden death of his wife, and it is now 18 months since she died, so early days.

We have been getting on very well, spending time together, texting throughout the day, on the phone multiple times a day sometimes. He calls when he leaves work, when he's doing his shopping, messages me about all sorts. We are going away on holiday next week and he's talking about holiday plans for next year too. He has brought me a lot of happiness and at this stage I feel like I have fallen for him.

However, despite all that, he remains unable to commit. He is still active on dating sites and this all came up when I found out about that a few weeks ago. He said we had agreed to go with the flow from the start (which is what I thought we were doing) and that he's not ready for a relationship as he still isn't over the death of his wife. I understand that and empathise. It hasn't been long and I know he is dealing with a lot of stuff that I don't need to get into here. I considered walking but ultimately didn't. We are getting on better than ever now.

A part of me wants to tell him how I feel about him...not with an expectation for him to say it back but I feel I'd like him to know...cards on the table so to speak. The other part of me doesn't want to put pressure on him either, or make things awkward. Should I let him know how I feel about him, or is it unfair at this stage?

He's already told you how he feels, and what this dynamic is.

He's grieving, and probably not thinking clearly.
He's on the rebound trying to fill the void and erase the pain.

And/Or

He's just not into you.

Leave him alone permanently. You knew better than to get involved with him in the first place.

There's mlllions perhaps billions of single available men.

Find a single available man.

You cannot force him to feel or want something that he doesn't.

It’s not all about him and what he wants. You have a say in it too and if it’s not what you want then you need to tell him for your own sake.

Tbh the fact he’s into swinging and was online a few months after his wife passed doesn’t shout looking for commitment to me.

You need someone to stand up for you and your interests because you are so focused on him, his situation, his feelings, what he is ready for etc. So I will stand up for you, and tell you plainly, he is using you. For company, companionship, to fill his empty hours and spaces in his life etc. But he is being deceitful about it because hes got one foot out the door and yu can bet your bottom dollar if he meets some interesting, attractive or flattering woman elsewhere, you will find yourself left behind without a backward glance. Turn the narrative around from his feelings and requirements to YOURS. He may not be reayd to commit, but evidently you are. What about YOUR happiness, sense of security, future plans etc? He sounds thoroughly selfish. I would scale this right back to being acquaintances or casual friends. As the crude old saying goes, why buy the cow when you get the milk fo rfree?? Value yourself and start thinking about your own needs and desires. This widower thing sounds like a convenient excuse to me. He's not ready for a relationship, but quite ready to waste your time on future faking while it suits him. If hes not ready then hes not ready for holidays etc either.

You're not loading anything onto him, but TBH it sounds as if you have already got your answer. I'd just tell him that the casual arrangement is no longer working for you and so you'd prefer not to see him anymore.

You have been dating over a year - if he can't commit, leave him.

It might be that since his bereavement he doesn't want another LTR - which is understandable - but that doesn't oblige you to continue seeing him if he can't give you what you want.

His marriage was open. He was on dating sites within a very few months of her death. He is seeing you a lot but still dating other women.

Look, each to their own. He can do what he wants but it's not a dynamic I could be in.

Why do you want him to know your feelings? Is it because you're hoping he turns round and says he feels the same? I think you are "clutching at straws" here. He has already told you how he feels about the relationship.

Also, if he truly cherished, loved, and cared for his wife, there is no "getting over" her.

She and her impact will remain with him as long as he lives.

I highly advise against telling him your feelings...again..

I'm assuming that you already told him, and he told you he wasn't looking to be in a serious relationship.

You have been single this whole time, allegedly so has he.

For all you know, maybe he has been lying about being married or his wife being deceased.

You are single, just wasting life by waiting for someone who has been honest...

Hoping that he'd change. He won't..if there was a change...it would only be based because you're available and desperate.

He also wouldn't stop seeing other women.

Find a single available man who's ready and isn't grieving...or playing games.

I'd be giving him short shrift tbh.

I think he's messing you around. If I found out a bloke I was seeing for over a year was active on dating websites, I'd go ballistic.

Dump him.

Sounds like time for a 'cards on the table chat' as you mentioned. Think over Christmas/New Year about what you want and what you will settle for, start the second week of January and the year knowing.

Him being a widower is a red herring - apart from stopping you looking after your own needs because you don't want to upset him. He doesn't want to commit - he's being honest about this.

Slightly off point but am I the only person who thinks an open marriage and a short period before going for online dates is not indicative of a man battling grief for his wife?

I’d heed the words of @Over40Overdating. I’ve been in this situation dating a widower before and it was all on his terms. His house was totally a shrine to his late wife, including the bedroom and because I was quite a bit younger than him (and read naive too), I was hoping all the attachment to his late wife would fade away in time. I ended up being a launch pad, a couple of relationships later (eg one night stands with others), he found “the one” and he got married again. I soaked up all his grief and was there for him but I should have got the measure of him when he said that we were incompatible when his late wife had a doctorate, as did he (boy did I know it on bot counts) and “I was only a housewife from Xxx town”.
He dumped me right his after birthday weekend, right when I had been worked bloody doing all prep and cleaning up for about 65 birthday guests. No dishwasher (well except for Muggins here). My face didn’t fit with his University friends.
It may work out for you but proceed with caution is my advice.It damaged my self esteem/confidence. Didn’t trust my judgement to after that. (Sorry for long rant).
Best of luck to you.

Lol, I missed all that before posting earlier

If this man is a widower i'll eat my hat. He's probably just working up to introducing you to his wife for "some fun"

It could be a distraction thing - keep busy so he doesn't have time to dwell on his loss.

🤔 Off point? No. Point well made. Online ‘shortly’ after the death of the love of my life? Err. No. But I suppose the “everyone grieves differently” line gives him plausible deniability. 🤷‍♀️

He definitely is a widower, no doubt about that

What a nasty, snide post.

This has crossed my mind too

Met online. Where he put himself. I’d love to know why you think OP is the sneaky one?

I'm sure lots of men would like the option of being able to have an "old reliable" at home or in the wings while still going out and dating and sleeping with as many women as they can. However very few women would be happy with a similar arrangement and so women need to make that clear and not just hang on hoping the man will eventually come round to her. Tell him to take a hike, you only have his word he had an open marriage and he went on dating sites very quickly after his wife passed. He doesn't sound like a decent man at all.

I agree that the fact his wife has died is a red herring here. The point is: is he treating you how you want to be treated? Do you have the same goals for your relationship? The answer to both is clearly no, and the fact that he may have a valid reason for being in that place is irrelevant.

The more I read OP it’s nothing to do with him not being ready and more that this situation absolutely suits him so he’s got no intention of changing it any time soon.

There's no excuse for him to still be on dating sites. Don't let him use you like this. If he wasn't ready to move on then he wouldn't have joined dating sites in the first place imo.

He has already told you what he wants.

Given that you are ok with him seeing other people, I am unsure what more you want. What would actually change?

If it’s commitment he has told you he isn’t ready. But what does that commitment look like to you?