Fallen for a widower who isn't ready

[alysrivers]

I have been dating a widower for over a year. We met online not long after the sudden death of his wife, and it is now 18 months since she died, so early days.

We have been getting on very well, spending time together, texting throughout the day, on the phone multiple times a day sometimes. He calls when he leaves work, when he's doing his shopping, messages me about all sorts. We are going away on holiday next week and he's talking about holiday plans for next year too. He has brought me a lot of happiness and at this stage I feel like I have fallen for him.

However, despite all that, he remains unable to commit. He is still active on dating sites and this all came up when I found out about that a few weeks ago. He said we had agreed to go with the flow from the start (which is what I thought we were doing) and that he's not ready for a relationship as he still isn't over the death of his wife. I understand that and empathise. It hasn't been long and I know he is dealing with a lot of stuff that I don't need to get into here. I considered walking but ultimately didn't. We are getting on better than ever now.

A part of me wants to tell him how I feel about him...not with an expectation for him to say it back but I feel I'd like him to know...cards on the table so to speak. The other part of me doesn't want to put pressure on him either, or make things awkward. Should I let him know how I feel about him, or is it unfair at this stage?

I think I have been so far...and in a state of semi denial about things since I first found out this stuff. But I'm starting to see things for how they are, and the longer I let it go on the worse the pain will ultimately be

Yes, I am sorry, it is hurtful, but you need to be a big girl and take care of yourself now. End it. Move on, someone nicer can't come along if you're still wasting time on this guy. You need someone that is mad about you and loves your company so much they can't see themselves without you.

I am a widow who has dated a widower thinking we would have something in common, however he turned out to be the biggest liar and womanizer l have ever met.
He was definately a widower, but not a decent person. Women flocked around him because of his sob story, raising a son on his own and he took full advantage of it.I
This man your with sounds a bit unsavoury, and seedy. He won't commit, you will end up getting very hurt.

Turn the narrative around from his feelings and requirements to YOURS. He may not be reayd to commit, but evidently you are. What about YOUR happiness, sense of security, future plans etc?

This wot @Lobelia123 said

STD test clear thankfully.

One thing about 'open' relationships is that you need to continue testing regularly, are you really up for a lifetime of not knowing who else he is doing what with?

You sound as if you are just deciding between dumping him now or after the holiday. rip that plaster off, do it now.

It doesn’t sound like he’s the right fit for you 💐

What I don’t understand is given this conflict, and knowing he had an open relationship with his DW, why you started a relationship with him in the first place.

Wasn’t that enough to know the type of man he is?

Unfortunately you can never change people.

I was widowed a couple of years ago and am now in a new committed relationship. You can grieve, commit to someone and not use it as an excuse to be awful. It’s not like someone suffering loss suddenly grows 2 heads and isn’t able to make moral choices. Grieving the loss of a spouse is a long term journey that likely never ends. You can absolutely miss your spouse and commit to and love someone else at the same time. Sounds like he’s using as an excuse to continue to be a shagger. Don’t tread so lightly - your needs are just as important as his.

I'm sorry OP, l think you've been misled. He would have realised you were becoming invested and has not been upfront about his intentions here. I think for your sake you should end it as it was not what you are looking for romantically and you risk fitting into his lifestyle because you don't wan't go lose him. If he'd been honest right from the start and said he was into open relationships my guess is you would have walked away.