Fallen for a widower who isn't ready

[alysrivers]

I have been dating a widower for over a year. We met online not long after the sudden death of his wife, and it is now 18 months since she died, so early days.

We have been getting on very well, spending time together, texting throughout the day, on the phone multiple times a day sometimes. He calls when he leaves work, when he's doing his shopping, messages me about all sorts. We are going away on holiday next week and he's talking about holiday plans for next year too. He has brought me a lot of happiness and at this stage I feel like I have fallen for him.

However, despite all that, he remains unable to commit. He is still active on dating sites and this all came up when I found out about that a few weeks ago. He said we had agreed to go with the flow from the start (which is what I thought we were doing) and that he's not ready for a relationship as he still isn't over the death of his wife. I understand that and empathise. It hasn't been long and I know he is dealing with a lot of stuff that I don't need to get into here. I considered walking but ultimately didn't. We are getting on better than ever now.

A part of me wants to tell him how I feel about him...not with an expectation for him to say it back but I feel I'd like him to know...cards on the table so to speak. The other part of me doesn't want to put pressure on him either, or make things awkward. Should I let him know how I feel about him, or is it unfair at this stage?

If he was in an open marriage then IMO the loss isn’t the same as losing what could be considered a soulmate, because fidelity has never been part of the deal.
If it even was an open marriage.
Presumably he could just move on to another of his partners, instead he’s got straight back out on the dating sites.
I would get an STD test and then head for the hills.

I have noticed that men do seem to move on more quickly after a bereavement & I think this says more about them than the relationship. That being said it sounds as though this man isn’t the slightest bit interested in anything long term. It’s probably a bit of a distraction/ displacement activity hence him still being on dating sites. But enough about him, what about you OP? I think you deserve someone that is available for you & I would tell him that.

They're not in a relationship.

Op wants more, but he told op that he doesn't. He has been honest and direct about this.

Op is thinking that if they profess their feelings (again) for him, that he will change his mind.

Op seems to be inclined to "wait it out" for that "someday"...that may never come.

Op, perhaps therapy would be beneficial for you. You have to learn to respect, love yourself, and know your worth.

He's already told you he doesn't want one (despite reaping all the benefits).

I'd withdraw entirely - if he's now claiming he's not ready for a relationship with you then he doesn't get all the benefits, including cosy texts, checking in, emotional support, companionship etc.

My partner died in an accident 23 years ago, almost to the day, regardless of his relationship status with his wife, 18months is nothing, i still miss her everyday as i bet he does.

You ve told him how you feel, he hasn't responded as you want, so i'd advise you walk away, i messed about (not deliberately i might add) a womans life for about 2years, i couldn't commit and was a dickhead to her, don't put up with what she did.
At the moment he is having his cake and eating it

The only thing i missed was is he actively seeing other women? if so, run!!!!

Sorry you’re in this position, OP. It’s painful.

I agree with @SamW98 - he and his wife were swingers, so he’s used to dating/being sexually intimate with other women in addition to his primary relationship. It’s just that he and his wife were on the scene together. He’s not used to - and presumably has no interest in - a monogamous set-up. In addition, he may well have no wish to formally commit to another woman (in the way he committed to his wife) for a long while yet, if at all. So it’s not really about not being ready and he’s unfair to dangle that carrot.

It does sound like you and he have a great time together so it’s about whether or not you can accommodate an open relationship whilst also bearing in mind that, unlike his wife, you're probably not his primary partner and he may not feel he owes you any more loyalty or commitment than his other partners.

He was on dating sites 6 months after his wife died. He still is on dating sites (keeping his options open and hasn't been honest about it) even though you are going on holiday together etc. He and his wife were swingers. Personally I'd walk away but you've got to ask yourself if this is the sort of man you want to be involved with - because he's not going to change and you won't be exclusive.

Are you a swinger OP (or open to becoming one)? If not, I'd think very carefully about whether this is the right relationship for you. It seems to me that, given he was in an open marriage and has been very active on dating sites since his wife's death, he's unlikely to be able to fully commit to you (or any woman), now or in the future.

Walk away. Widow usually get back with someone else within a year, so he is absolutely ready, he is dating you. But if he is not committed to you, that exactly how it will stay. Walk away. He has found his comfort zone and it done not coincide with yours.

In this context, and bearing in mind what he's going through, is it unfair of me to load it on him and ask him to decide if he wants a relationship? Or do I need to do this to protect myself?

If he wanted a relationship he'd tell you.
If he wanted to be exclusive he'd tell you.
If he wanted to be with you he wouldn't tell you he wasn't ready.
If he wanted to be in a relationship with you he wouldn't be on dating sites.

If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, HE WOULD BE.

Therefore, you know that's what he wants.

Asking him to decide if that's what he wants is pointless. Mainly because he's already given you his answer. But also because giving him the choice of a relationship or you walking away could potentially lead to him telling you what you want to hear then continuing to do whatever he wants behind your back.

Plus why would you want to be with someone who has only committed because of an ultimatum??

Honestly OP, stop worrying about upsetting him or burdening him with your feelings.

Yes, it's terrible he lost his wife but he is clearly coping well enough to embark pretty quickly on a year long relationship (if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck then you're looking at a duck) with you while also hooking up with randoms from dating apps.

He must think all his birthdays have come at once. He gets to do whatever he wants while you let him get on with it, without a word, because his feelings apparently matter more than yours.

Talk to him, tell him what you want, no doubt he will tell you he is 'not ready' at which point you get out with your remaining dignity intact.

OP him still being on dating sites after 1 year with you is a massive red flag. I dated a widower for 4+ years. Never again! This guy just wants to have his cake and eat it. And just because he lost his wife doesn’t mean he can have it all on his own terms- like mine did -I kicked mine to the kerb for other reasons. Take my advice: Get rid now and find the right man for you and one who is ready to commit. Don’t let him
away with this crap just because he’s a widower. The same relationship rules apply as if he was, say, divorced.

It’s not really.

He has been open about being in an open marriage. He has been clear he won’t give any commitment.

He is unlikely to come off dating sites even if they committed to each other and op is ok with an open relationship.

Op wants more. I don’t actually know what she means by more, because aside from moving in an marrying the relationship will still be the same.

How can the OP check that he did indeed have an open marriage with his late wife? She can’t ask the late wife, can she now?

I don’t think he’s being honest with her and ime widowers (at least in the case of my ex) may think they can get away with a whole lot of stuff because they “lost their wife”. I would love to know what my ex’s late wife really thought of him but sadly I can’t ask. Tbh if my experience with him was anything to go by I doubt it was a walk in the park.My advice to the OP is that if she isn’t 100% happy with the direction of travel in this relationship - widower or not-she should end it now and save herself time & energy. Btw I don’t think widows get as much sympathy as widowers do. In fact, talking to a widow friend of mine recently about this topic she confirmed that it’s true. Why is that??

Yep, it's threads like this that make me loathe internet dating. I would hazard a guess but had his profile said "looking for something casual" "have been relatively recently divorced and not looking for a relationship" you probably wouldn't have bothered with him. Being widowed doesn't give you a pass for being a player.

So, be honest with what you want and need for yourself. Does 'falling for' equate to wanting monogamy? Because it would for most people and there is nothing wrong with admitting that's what you want - which it does sound like it given his being online still upsets you.
This guy doesn't do monogamy, didn't with his wife, so unlikely to start now. It's not about his wife dying, because he was always like this.
You probably thought at the start that you could do casual, but things have changed, it's OK to realise it's not for you. Unfortunately, his prior open arrangement, and his wanting to be casual is no longer compatible with your wishes, so you should walk away at this point. It will hurt, because you've fallen, but it will be a long, painful death by a thousand cuts if you try to be the 'cool GF' when in love with him, and your self esteem will end up on the floor.

Op seems convinced it was open. But that’a irrelevant. If he is saying that it’s because he has no intention of being monogamous. And is ok with that. Op knows that.

I agree she should end it. But not because he isn’t clear. He is. Op wants more. He doesn’t. Whether it’s because his wife has died or because he just doesn’t, or a mix doesn’t really matter. Op is an adult, knows the situation and so is choosing to stay knowing the facts. He has made no promises that I can see.

I also agree men whose wives die get more sympathy. Why? Because of society. Same as lone parents who are men also get admired more than their female counterparts. Not sure how that’s relevant. I am not suggesting people should have sympathy, simply that he has been quite clear. Op isn’t staying out of sympathy. She is staying because she wants more. Even though it’s obvious that’s unlikely to happen. But that’s her decision. She may be using sympathy to justify staying. But she is staying because she wants more.

The OP wants more and he’s not willing to give it. That would be enough for me to call it a day, for sure. As for men whose wives die getting more sympathy, I really don’t think it’s justified. Same for single fathers. I am raising four fantastic boys on my own (divorced, utterly useless exH, work FT) but my widower ex had absolutely no empathy or understanding of my situation. In fact, he thought I should work around him- and had people (parents/ in-laws/ random women from the school etc etc ) tripping over themselves 24/7 to help him with his one kid- so I ended it. There won’t be any more widowers for me. I can tell you that now. The OP needs to give her head a wobble and throw this one back!

Do YOU want an open relationship?

Are you happy to be in a non monogamous relationship?

This is what I'm ultimately afraid of happening, that he will turn around and say, well it was always just casual etc..., while I've become invested emotionally.

He has told you this though. He's told you he's not ready to commit and you know he's on dating sites. It's hard to say from what you've written if this came up by you asking, and he's been stringing you along in a "maybe, but not yet" way, or he genuinely thinks there was a mutual "it will always be casual" and you've either got the wrong end of the stick or you've just more emotionally involved than intended. And he is getting all his needs met; emotionally from you, sex with you and women from dating sites, so he doesn't really have any motivation to change anything here.

What are your needs though? You aren't going to get the commitment you want, so take that off the table. If you are happy to just have a casual fling with him then have at it. I would probably cool the emotional support stuff and daily phone calls though - enjoy his company but get some emotional distance for yourself, he isn't going to give that kind of intimacy back. See other people too, and keep your own options open. If you want a long term committed relationship, or if it's going to hurt you when he finds someone else to commit to, then dump him.

I suppose him saying he isn't ready for a relationship came late in the day to me...He initially asked what was I looking for, I said to date and see where things go and he said he was looking to go with the flow, that he wasn't looking for hookups. Maybe interpreted 'go with the flow' differently. Me thinking go with the flow and see what develops, him meaning it's not going anywhere.

He only said about not being ready after I brought up about the dating sites. Actually he started saying all this instead of answering about why he was on the sites. When I subsequently asked him about the sites - and giving him a lot of leeway, basically saying it's ok he can tell me - he flat out denied it. He since opened up that he is on the swinging site for the social aspect and he's not approaching women but I know that he isn't being truthful.

It's the dishonesty that floored me really. I was considering walking away and he knew I was pissed off with him. That's when he decided to pay for this holiday we had been talking about for a while. I was asking myself if I still wanted to even go and he was then very keen to book it.

Since then, like I said, he told me a bit about the swinging and how they got into it etc. We did discuss doing some stuff together. I am open to non monogamy etc, pushing boundaries, but I think I'd want some sort of relationship grounding. Maybe that's the conversation that needs to be had, I don't know.

I've tried to put everything aside and just enjoy it for what it is. Had I not discovered about the sites, things would seem just fine and I would be enjoying it. Maybe I can, I don't know. But my feelings keep creeping up on me...especially with the attentiveness, intensity of communication etc. I'm more used to guys who are non committal not being so involved.

Oh, well from your latest post he is obviously a total bellend. Just put him in the bin.

You'd be a fool to embark on an open relationship with someone who lies to you.

Oh OP this man is taking you for a mug, this is nothing to do with not being ready after the death of his wife. He already has got himself into a relationship in everything but name with frequent contact and holidays booked. He just wants his cake and to eat it, how on earth is not being ready consistent with being in dating sites still.

Maybe he's told you his marriage was open to make his current behaviour seem more acceptable.
I wouldn't believe that personally.
He hasn't any respect for you as he clearly kept it quiet that he was keeping his options open until you found out.

I'd walk away to be honest. This is already messy enough.