Fallen for a widower who isn't ready

[alysrivers]

I have been dating a widower for over a year. We met online not long after the sudden death of his wife, and it is now 18 months since she died, so early days.

We have been getting on very well, spending time together, texting throughout the day, on the phone multiple times a day sometimes. He calls when he leaves work, when he's doing his shopping, messages me about all sorts. We are going away on holiday next week and he's talking about holiday plans for next year too. He has brought me a lot of happiness and at this stage I feel like I have fallen for him.

However, despite all that, he remains unable to commit. He is still active on dating sites and this all came up when I found out about that a few weeks ago. He said we had agreed to go with the flow from the start (which is what I thought we were doing) and that he's not ready for a relationship as he still isn't over the death of his wife. I understand that and empathise. It hasn't been long and I know he is dealing with a lot of stuff that I don't need to get into here. I considered walking but ultimately didn't. We are getting on better than ever now.

A part of me wants to tell him how I feel about him...not with an expectation for him to say it back but I feel I'd like him to know...cards on the table so to speak. The other part of me doesn't want to put pressure on him either, or make things awkward. Should I let him know how I feel about him, or is it unfair at this stage?

Even if he is suddenly ready for a relationship, chances are he will want it to be an open relationship with a spot of swinging

Just get rid of him. Hes got you where he wants you - talk about having his cake and eating it

@alysrivers I’m really sorry but your latest update is pretty clear - he’s playing a game because you give him what he needs now with no requirement of commitment.

Absolutely no man is on a swingers site for the social aspect and not meeting women. He may not be meeting them in person but I doubt he’s chatting about knitting and tea with them.

It’s been long enough for him to know whether he wants a committed relationship with you, even if it’s in a non traditional format. He doesn’t. If that’s what you want, leave him to his swingers sites and casual set ups with people who want the same.
💐

Meh, sounds suspiciously like the script to me.

He chose to sign up for online dating and to embark on a relationship with you (whether he calls it that or not). He didn't tell you at the time that he wanted to keep it casual and wanted to continue dating other people. He's only told you about the swinging because you found out about it. I think he's come up with this story about not being ready to move on and commit as an excuse for what is basically cheating on you. An open relationship only works if both people are honest and consent to it. Otherwise it's just plain cheating.

He sounds manipulative too, sounds as if he has love-bombed you and pushed you into this holiday in the hope that you'll just accept the cheating and move on.

OP I don't say this lightly. But he outright lied, then made himself a victim...it has hints of narcissim.

Get rid

Being broken about the passing of a spouse is not any kind of reason to be on a dating site when you are in a relationship of more than a year. It makes NO SENSE!

He wants to be promiscuous, you don't. Get rid.

"He hasn't any respect for you as he clearly kept it quiet that he was keeping his options open until you found out."

This OP. He flat out lied to you. He is acting like an utter selfish prick. I hope you find the strength to walk away from him.

I think it's probably all cards on the table time at the very least. When I decided to keep going with him, I thought I could switch off my feelings and just enjoy it in the moment as a casual thing but it doesn't seem to have worked out that way. This holiday is supposed to start this week... I should be looking forward to it but I just feel sad and emotional. We've been planning everything we're going to do on it and it's been fun, but all this hit me again this week. A part of me says call it off, another part says screw it - enjoy it and deal with it when we get home. I probably will go, but am questioning it all now.

OP the most important thing now is an STD test surely?

but are you actually due to go away this week?

I did that already when all this came to light, clear thankfully.

Yes, due to go away this weekend, for a week

I think don't go.

unless you are also into swinging, open relationships etc?

Bit different but I'm going through a divorce after I was left for someone else very suddenly. I tried dating but felt "not ready". Met someone who was really keen, willing to take things slow etc. Only took a handful of meet-ups for me to conclude that I really wasn't ready and it wouldn't be fair on the other person. I don't know where I'll be in a few months. Maybe the same. Maybe I'll want to have casual sex with different people. Maybe I'll want a relationship. But I wouldn't keep the person in front of me dangling on a string while I make up my mind.

@Elektra1 that’s a very decent and respectful way to approach dating when you are still working through things.
The OP’s guy and my ex could learn a thing or two!

Yes I agree - @Elektra1's approach is how you should do it if you're not ready for a relationship for any reason. Not date someone for a year, constant communication, go on holiday with them etc. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

You are entirely wrong on this. I am polyam, I love my husband hugely and would be heartbroken if he died. You don’t just “move on to another partner” if you lose someone you love.

OP - echoing everyone else - he is behaving like a total fuckboi still being on the dating sites without you knowing or consenting. The widower point is not the key here, him behaving non ethically and dishonestly is.

It's the dishonesty that floored me really. I was considering walking away and he knew I was pissed off with him. That's when he decided to pay for this holiday we had been talking about for a while. I was asking myself if I still wanted to even go and he was then very keen to book it.

This is very manipulative of him.

@alysrivers ..
Your post sent a shiver down my spine.
I met a widower on a dating site - pretty much in constant contact..6mths in he confessed both he and his wife were on the swinging scene. I said that wasn't for me, but if he wanted to return to swinging / casual sex, then we needed to call it a day. He was adamant he now wanted an exclusive relationship... another 6mths on and he was getting texts from a person he'd been involved with when both he and his wife were seeing others outside the marriage.
I ended the relationship, although we have remained friends.
I have no idea who he sees, and I am happy with my uncomplicated single life.
I agree with previous posters, and I feel people living that life don't suddenly change and become suddenly monogamous - the ball is in your court...but based on my experience I'd be ending the relationship

If you’re messaging at all times, and calling lots, and going on holiday, then of course it’s a relationship! It doesn’t matter if he wants to call at one or not, it is.

This!!!!!

How old is this man?

39

He's been disrespectful and dishonest, and is stringing you along. Booking a holiday when he thinks you might walk away, is manipulation. He's using you. End it and protect yourself.

OP you've not said if you're a swinger etc.

i think that's pretty key. Was any of this anything you wanted from the start?

being lonely can lead to some odd choices.

So far this is all about what HE wants

are you hoping that if you allow it to carry on longer, he will change his mind? I think you're delaying the pain personally.

I'm not but I am open minded about different relationship models etc. TBH I'm way more bothered about the activity on conventional dating sites than swinger sites. And his dishonesty about it. Makes me feel - as some have pointed out - like he's looking for something better