Dh ditched me at a party did I even do anything ?

[cannonlc]

Long time user. New account
Had a joint birthday party today with DH
Lots of friends , dancing drinking having fun. Genuinely felt like it was one of the loveliest days I’ve had in ages - warm and fuzzy feelings etc. checked in with DH throughout although we weren’t (and usually are not at social events) glued together we were both making sure we socialized with everyone that had showed up to celebrate with us.
Things started to wind down about 7pm and about half the people left but some of us stayed around. I went to the bar at the venue about 50 feet from where we’d all been sitting for the majority of the day. Got caught up in long drunky conversations with a couple of mutual friends and realized I hadn’t seen DH in a while so went looking for him. Couldn’t find him anywhere and expressed to those still around that I was a bit worried!
Called DH and he answered and he was at home - had left and was being really mean and hostile saying he’d looked for me and “who knows where I was and with who cos he couldn’t find me “ (reminder that I’d been at the bar about 50 feet away with a bar full of only people who knew us so absolutely not hard to find !)
I was absolutely bemused and confused by this !! It was also only about 9pm not like 4am either !!
Out home has a security gate only accessible by a fob which since I was stranded I didn’t have and asked him to pls make sure I could get in and his reply was basically “good luck you can’t sort yourself out” - really hostile !!
I was angry embarrassed and confused/ we had had such a lovely day as far as I was concerned and couldn’t work out why he would leave without me
I had no way of getting home - not cabs where we were and friends all too drunk to drive!
Ended up coming back to stay at mutual couple friends cos had no other option
Lots of messages from dh about
“I left at the time we agreed” and “you were too fucked to leave” both of which things were totally made up because we had never agreed a time to leave and he had never come to tell em he was leaving and I definitely did not refuse to leave with him !!
It’s like I’ve entered a parallel universe and he’s had an experience I wasn’t there for - he’s adamant I’ve done something wrong - even said I had a call and saw photos- like what ? He’s absolutely furious with me and I have absolutely no idea why because as far as I was concerned we were having a great time with mutual friends and I didn’t go anywhere or do anything and he just left me there - I’m so gutted that my lovely day has ended like this !!
What has happened?
I’ve messaged him to say one of two things needs to happen
1 he tells me exactly what I did and when and backs it up with actual evidence and witnesses (all friends with me thought him leaving was mental so he deffo won’t have any)
Or
2- he admits he was totally wasted and went a bit weird and apologizes profusely for being a total twat

From experience I don’t think either of the above will happen so now what ?

Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life but this one is too much and I don’t think I can
If he can’t tell me what i did then he’s making it up but why would he do that and ruin what’s been a lovely day ?

I used to do what he did when I got very very drunk - in my mind I was convinced something bad had happened (I can't remember this as I always black out but I'd have flashbacks of the ramifications). I'd be horrible to friends, family about completely imagined slights.

But this was when I was at uni, 21, 22 years old. I learned pretty quickly what drinks caused me to act like that and cut it out (eventually I've cut out all alcohol because of the hangovers!). I can't imagine acting like this as a parent. He needs to take a look at that.

One thing I do remember though is how bloody hard it was to admit I was wrong the next day because the imagined offence felt so real (how could I possibly get so upset if no one did anything wrong?!) - so I hope he's at least more mature than I was there.

I think if this is how you feel, you know there's no coming back from this. You've got a partner who is essentially demanding you accept a false version of events if you want to continue a relationship. What is this other than gaslighting? He is asking you to deny what you know to be true, and to override your own judgement.

Even in the absolute best-case scenario, ie he genuinely couldn't find you and was genuinely mistaken about where you were or what you were doing, there are red flags: he automatically thinks the worst of you, and he's not willing to acknowledge he might be wrong. That's still not a relationship you want to be in, surely.

It's a horrible, difficult situation and much easier to say 'leave the bastard!' as an outsider with no skin in the game, but do think carefully about what you're really worth and how you want to live this one life of yours.

Hi OP any update ? I hope you’re okay x

The thing is, u could have just touched a man's arm not that it was sexual in any way with drink in his body he would have seen this over thought it and couldn't handle his jealousy and decided to leave, thinking she has hurt me I will hurt her, then make up lies about u have been cheating, I think with alcohol in your system it's easy to go over the top. Was the person that took him home was it a man or female? He could have done something himself and feel guilty and reflecting it on you. I would ignore him, don't give him anything that he can twist. My partner gets like this if he has been drinking, and he really thinks I have done something and sometimes I doubt myself, I can tell him until I'm blue in the face that I haven't done anything but he believes what he wants. I was also in a abusive relationship and I find loads of red flags. Hope u find a solution.x

This behaviour from him is cruel and abusive. No reason for you be sitting here scratching your head racking your brain as to what you might have done. You had a nice time that’s all. And there was obviously either a deliberate attempt to punish you by saying he’d looked for you when he hadn’t at all, or because he was a little drunk and couldn’t locate you and there’s just been one of those slightly alcohol fuelled misunderstandings. If the former then he is calculating and abusive. If the latter then he should chalk it down to a misunderstanding and apologise and move on. If he can’t do that and instead chooses to maintain that you were somehow in the wrong because HE couldn’t find you, then he is a stubborn wanker.

Either way, it sounds like he has form. You say you’ve NC for this. Have you posted before about him? Have people previously said LTB? I know it’s easy for people to say that, but if it’s being said repeatedly then maybe it is time to consider putting some plans in place to actually leave. Because the thought of you having a warm fuzzy lovely birthday with all your friends only for this wanker to effectively slap you in the face with the realisation that you’ve displeased him to the extent he’s happy to punish you by locking you out of your home for the night is cruel and abusive behaviour and is heartbreaking to read. You deserve to be happier than this.

How did he get home?
At first I thought maybe he was sober and you were very drunk

Can't really understand how you could get to a friends but not home?

She didn't have the thingy for opening the door and he refused to open for her

The only way to know for sure is to ask the non-drinking friend who took him home.
I would assume if things had wound up and it was just drunk people sat around having drunk conversations that a sober non-drinking driver might have been the one to say it was time to go.
If he agreed to take you both he should have been the one to check you had an alternative plan.

If you have been messaging others about this but not that person then yes YABU.
You don't need to talk to other people about this falling out.

Sadly it's not only men that do this to women but the other way round as well. As a practicing hopeless codependent I the lilly livered put up and shut up. But if you can escape it sounds like the right choice

You were having a good time and he wanted to ruin it. Perhaps because he's a horrible jealous person and you're not allowed to be liked or given more attention than him. Or perhaps because he gets a kick out of creating drama and fucking with your head.

Either way I'd not be waiting about for an apology op. Your partner is treating you like his enemy. That's not someone you stay with, it's someone you run from as fast as your legs will carry you.

don't go hone or send anymore messages until he replies! he sounds controlling and jealous. call his bluff and wait for a reply!

People say things they don't mean
I tend to think he would have if she had shown up, and now he is probably wondering why she didn't try

My H does this, manages to spoil events, with false allegations.
There is no explaing or reasoning that will talk him round to the truth/reality.
He doesn't want the truth, the truth is not the point.
What he is interested in, is controlling you.
Seeing you happily chatting to other folk is Not OK, he wants you looking for him, he is insecure & jealous.
Please just Grey Rock the fuck out if him. Stop the power play
He is longing for you to tie yourself in knots trying to justify yourself.

Just say "Jog on Tosser.
Do it again & I am gone"
& mean it

You think he threatened to lock her out as a test? Or an empty threat she was supposed to know to disregard?

There's really no way to look at this where he isn't an obnoxious arsehole is there?

waiting for the drip feed about what your relationship is normally like

How long have you been married?
What is really going on in your relationship?
Is everything normally fine?
Was it your party then - you have birthdays at the same time? What has happened on previous joint birthday celebrations?

He needs to talk to you and open up, and if your relationship is normal, he will do so when you see him. Tell us what he says.

Don’t bother arguing or explaining.

Listen to what he says. Respond saying that isn’t what happened. Then leave it there.

I think he’s pushed you too far this time and you have finally seen this gaslighting arsehole for who he is. 💐

@Mumof2teens79 i an guessing empty threats about not allowing access to the family home is an approach you adopt in arguments with your partner. Nice

I think if the DP had written this post as a woman..was at a party with my other half. He got really drunk. We had arranged a lift home but when it came time to go I couldn't find him anywhere, so had to leave without. He finally called an hour later wondering where I was, still steaming drunk....should I let him in...
Then all the replies would be "tell him to do one" or similar.

There are two perspectives to this story. He couldn't find her....she hadn’t disappeared but from hus perspective she had. Both need to try and see other POV.

I am not sure why people are saying this is abusive or a pattern. Reading OPs posts I can't see anything that says this is a regular or repeat occurrence.

The abusive relationship was years ago with someone else....but similar issues, OP being told she behaved inappropriately when drunk but doesn't remember.

but @Mumof2teens79 you are thoroughly making up stuff. Where does the OP say she was trashed?

is that another of your tactics in argument ms with your partner @Mumof2teens79 … to just make up shit to suit you?

Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life

It sounds like this isn't a one off.
Also, that you normally just let stuff go.

Basically, everything is fine between you as long as you don't challenge him. Even when he's totally out of line. Could that be true?

I'm glad OP recognises she's in an abusive relationship.

I hope she makes plans to leave safely.

@Mumof2teens79 reasonable to suppose this is a pattern from Usually I’d brush this kind of thing under the carpet for a peaceful life

did you even read the thread?

@Mumof2teens79 the OP does say this is a pattern of behaviour although the worst it has been