Husband objecting to me cutting my hair short

[Lanky Lass]

My husband has been objecting to me wanting to try a pixie cut, saying that he won't find me so attractive if I do or that he'll grow a beard. I don't actually mind him growing a beard, it's him saying he'll do something just because he thinks I won't like it that bothers me. I feel upset by his comment but obviously he's entitled to his opinion. Feeling a bit confused and wondering is this controlling behaviour by him?

@AgnesX you're missing the point. If someone goes from long to a pixi cut it's a drastic change so it's obvious why it could change someone's attraction to you.

Not at all but that seems to be the argument some posters are making.

All these "if he told me I shouldn't, I'd do it to annoy him" replies are childish. Would you do this if it was about disciplining children, or inviting people for Christmas, or investing a windfall/taking on a loan?

So much pain comes when people in a marriage don't express their needs clearly, now your husband has said he won't like a pixie cut on you. Do it if you want, he might change his mind, but you run the risk of him finding you less attractive. As we age it's hard enough to stay attractive to each other, I don't see why you would deliberately choose it.

What about alopecia then? that can be an ongoing but not at all life-threatening condition, and apart from the hair loss and upset that causes has little impact on the sufferer.

To be clear, I think it's perfectly normal for a partner to stop finding their partner attractive if their appearance significantly changes, or for any reason really. I'm just not convinced by the moral like some posters are trying to draw where it's fine for the DH to go off his wife if she cuts her own hair, but not if she lost it some other way, as that implies that it isn't the hair but the act of cutting it that is unattractive. I think people say it so they won't appear shallow for losing interest in a partner who grows a beard/cuts their hair/wears a cardigan or whatever it might be, but it just makes them look controlling instead.

I'm single so I do what I want with my hair ! But if I were married, I'd be a bit surprised that a mere haircut could jeopardise his attraction for me, that seems very fragile.

In my life I go through phases of wanting my hair long and then wanting it short. Novelty is attractive too I think?

I met boyfriends when I had short hair actually, so I don't think I'm automatically less attractive with short hair. Most people know if it works for them or not.

But saying that, if I had a husband who would wear clothes I picked out then I would say ok no pixie cut.

My x dressed like a tramp, drove me crazy at times, he wouldn't spend money on himself.

I lost my hair to cancer and now have a pixie cut. Thank fuck my husband isn't this shallow!

@BarryKentPoet it's got nothing to do with him being shallow he obviously thinks you look attractive with that haircut. not everyone suits them so if you looked bad he might have a different opinion.

I've seen plenty of women berated for not fancying their husbands with beards and told that they are 'withholding sex' when they're actually disgusted by the beard and that's why they can't bring themselves to kiss/have sex with the man

It most certainly does have something to do with being shallow. You fall in love with a person, not their haircut, and even if it doesn't suit them they are still the same person. If being attracted to someone was solely about their looks there would be an awful lot of people who never had a partner, as the majority of us are not potential model material.

It seems there are an awful lot of shallow people in the world if going from long to short hair is enough to kill someone's attractiveness to their partner!!!!

So we've all been here arguing for days about shallowness and attraction etc...I want to know whether OP has cut her hair or not. And if she did, what DH's reaction was?

OP?

I cannot believe the number of people here saying you should do what your husband tells you. So are you saying that once you are married you should not express your own self of style but only look the way your husband finds attractive?!!! This is insane! Are we back at the beginning of the 19th century? Yes, of course, he can express his opinion, but you should still do what you want, it is your body. And no, it is absolutely not the same as growing a beard or moustache.

I am still confused and haven't cut my hair yet. I have however made an appointment but may chicken out and end up getting a trim! Thank you everyone though, some very valid points made.

Why don't you just get it cut shorter than you're used too rather than a trim. Easier to grow back in if you miss it. You're obviously wanting a total change if you fancied a pixie cut. There are other styles out there.

You cannot believe the number of people saying that.........yet no one is saying she should do what her husband tells her 🤔and no one is pushing any 19th century views 😂
You're just putting your own 'interpretation' on the posts.

What people are saying is that he might not be attracted to her if she does it which is a different thing entirely, and a lot of people assume that people actually want their partners to be attracted to them.

I keep my hair long because I know my partner loves it. He often talks about how lovely he thinks it is - and in fairness, it’s a good head of hair. I’d happily go for a bob but I’m not bothered enough to make the change and although I know he’d still love me, for him I think it would be the equivalent of losing the ‘Wow’ factor. Equally, he’s clean shaven as it’s my preference. He grew a beard during lockdown and he looked like Santa, which I was not at all expecting and it turned me right off! Yes, it’s his body and his choice, but it’s more important to him that I fancy him than him getting to look like he’s about to hitch Rudolf to a magic sleigh and head off to deliver presents.

So you won't cut your hair even for a try because of his preference, but he didn't give a fuck about your preference of no beard and gave it a shot anyway?

Makes sense.

How long is your hair OP? (Sorry if I've missed updates).

Putting aside your DH (lol), maybe if you're not sure then go for a bob. Or if it is super long, go for mid-length.

What do you really really want for your hair? Is that your confusion too?

I only ask because I'm often undecided about what to do with my hair. I recently cut it into a pixie-bob; I mostly did it to get rid of so much damage; although I like how it feels, I am rather shocked by the change. I wish I'd had a short bob because it's so much easier to grow it again. A pixie takes ages because of all the layers.

Just a thought! I do hope you go for what you genuinely want though.

I don't think Mormons controlling to give your opinion.

I hate facial hair and have told DH - if he chooses to grow it then up to him but he knows how I feel. He has previously had number 3 cuts and I did not like it and said so.

I showed DH a photo of me with dark hair and he said "glad you are blonde now". So I know how he would feel if I dyed my hair dark again

Same!

Not sure why you are getting a hard time!

Physical attraction is just that

What do mormons have to do with anything??

I think it depends on the situation if you're getting it cut from long to pixie cut which lets face it is short like barber length style which may be why he doesn't like it some men see it as a masculine hair style and sure he will love you just the same and it may grow on him but long hair is more feminine on most people. I'm saying that as someone who has had long and pixie hair cuts and now gone back to long.

Will it suit you or is it more of a styling preference and wanting a low maintenance style? May be he sees it as letting yourself go I don't know I'm not trying to be mean for some men hair is something they find really attractive and feminine. He should love you regardless and be attracted to you but if it's a really drastic change I think it's fair for him to express his opinion.

I only know a few women it genuinely looks beautiful on and others it gives more of a Karen vibe and ages them. Come for me all you want but he may have that Karen image in his head and think you will come home like that. May be show him some photos of what you want.

All the best though and if it is long hair it took me two years to get it from short to long again and I wish I did an Inbetween cut so if you are on the fence may be do that and see how you feel.

I'm not onboard with the notion of short hair on women being "masculine", I think that's a social and sexist construction rooted in the falsely alleged differences between the sexes that justified oppression of women until feminism came along.

It's evidenced well with the Jada Smith incident at the Oscars, which was only an insult if you believe short hair isn't womanly or attractive. There wasn't anything about Jada's look, objectively, that warranted sympathy. It's only worthy of sympathy, or a target for a abusive bully, if society has constructed additional values or ideas on top of it. To a large extent attraction in humans is rooted in culture, not biology, evidence of that can be seen in the fact that what is or isn't attractive varies between cultures and over time within cultures

I had a pixie cut a few years ago. It didn't suit me. I kept it a while, enjoying the change, but I could see that, objectively, I was less attractive.

Some people it suits, some it doesn't. Context matters I think: If your DH is a controlling or spiteful person generally, then you have a much bigger issue than your hairstyle. I'd say get whatever haircut you want, and consider losing the husband.

If your husband is a loving, respectful, supportive person, then I'd weigh up how much I wanted the haircut with how much it would matter to me if he fancied me a bit less.

Ok but society does construct values or ideas on top of things and always will, so it's not really possible to strip all of that back.

You say
To a large extent attraction in humans is rooted in culture, not biology, evidence of that can be seen in the fact that what is or isn't attractive varies between cultures and over time within cultures

Which is a good point, however gender roles and gender appearance tends to be different in even small tribes, there seems to be an instinctual drive to have a separation between masculine and feminine ,the culture doesn't spring from nothing so it's a bit of a chicken and egg scenario.

While what is considered masculine and feminine does indeed vary depending on culture and over time within cultures that doesn't change my deeply ingrained views of what I find physically attractive or unattractive now!

If I was raised in a different culture it's likely my views on what I find physically attractive/unattractive would be different than they are now, but I also think they would be just as rigid and persistent no matter how much people tried to say it was a social construct etc. knowing or believing that all or a lot of this comes down to that doesn't actually change the programming!