Husband objecting to me cutting my hair short

[Lanky Lass]

My husband has been objecting to me wanting to try a pixie cut, saying that he won't find me so attractive if I do or that he'll grow a beard. I don't actually mind him growing a beard, it's him saying he'll do something just because he thinks I won't like it that bothers me. I feel upset by his comment but obviously he's entitled to his opinion. Feeling a bit confused and wondering is this controlling behaviour by him?

Same!

@VeronicaSawyer89 because if the appearance should make no difference to how attracted you are to someone, then any appearance will do?

We're talking about people's spouses here, not every single adult on the planet. I know that I find my husband attractive regardless of what haircut he has, or how much he weighs, or the clothes he wears. Because my attraction to him runs deeper than what is on the surface.

@VeronicaSawyer89 oh I am clearly in the shallow camp as there are lots of things that would make me find my dh less attractive. Full body tattoos, ZZtop style beard, goatee, becoming morbidly obese, if he decided to fake tan himself deep brown, long nails, if he wore kaftans,

@VeronicaSawyer89 OK well my love runs deeper (ugh) than my wife's physical appearance but my physical attraction of her is based on.. Well.. the physical.

Nah, none of that would bother me.

My physical attraction to my husband is not just based on his physical appearance. His personality and him just being him makes him more attractive to me regardless of the physical. We've been together for a long time (30 years) and through a lot of changes (physical, mental and emotional) it's all tied in together.

What if your wife puts on weight? Is pregnant? Gets old? How are you going to react to those physical changes in her?

Preferring your hair long and telling you so - no problem, you can make your choice knowing what the situation is.
Threatening retaliation is the crap bit. It's a dick move and if it's part of a pattern in making sure his preferences are met by meteing out consequences if you don't want to comply then yes it's controlling.

@VeronicaSawyer89 I found her attractive when pregnant but I imagine I would lose attraction if she say put on 10 stone and suddenly became morbidly obese.
with ageing who knows, at the moment it hasn't changed anything but when we are both 87? maybe we won't fancy eachother the same anymore? I know my elderly parents certainly found eachother more attractive when they were younger than they do now. they still love eachother though.

My husband was like that recently when I said I wanted to try out a short hair do.

I laughed and went and got my hair cut. My hair is none of his business.

He did apologise so all is well but yeah go and get your hair cut OP.

@VeronicaSawyer89
Great, so nothing your partner could do differently to their appearance would turn you off them physically, well that's just wonderful but that's just attraction works for you, it's not something that you're doing, you're not a nicer, warmer person or a more loving person so I'm not sure why you're being so judgey.

For other people attraction works differently. For me the personality absolutely influences physical attraction, if I adore someone they're more attractive and people lose their attractiveness if they are being horrible or disrespectful etc.

However, I hate long hair on men and an absolute dealbreaker for me would be throat tattoos and no matter how much I loved someone it would affect my physical attraction for him and there's not a single thing that I can do to feel differently.

Also in my experience men actually love to be sexualised and that they don't just want to think she thinks she's attracted to me because she loves me, they want to think she's attracted to me because she loves me and also because I'm actually objectively sexy 😂

it's not something that you're doing, you're not a nicer, warmer person or a more loving person

I don't think I am nicer or warmer etc. I do think not being attracted to someone you're in love with because they've got a different hairdo/grown a beard/got a tattoo/put on weight etc is quite shallow. 🤷🏻‍♀️

He is wrong in the way he's put it across to you.
However in a perfect world he would fancy you whatever you do with your hair. We aren't in a perfect world though and some things are just unattractive to some people. I don't like DP's beard, I don't find it attractive. So he trims it. There'd be nothing I could do if he said nope, Im keeping beard. But I still wouldn't be obliged to find it attractive.

That isn't to say you shouldn't wear your hair as you choose. Just be mindful half the people telling you to do it, wouldn't cut their own hair off

It's a visceral reaction so it's not really anything to do with being shallow because it's not related to the intellect.
People can't help it if something turns them off so I'm not sure why people try to make them feel bad over it.

There are soooo many women who don't care about any of the physical changes in their partners but absolutely hate it when he grows a beard, and often they don't even want to tell their partner in case it hurts him (because they love him) so by hiding it their sex life etc is affected and they don't even want to kiss so that very phenomenon should show you that people can't help it. Some women are straight out about their hatred for it because they want to actually be able to continue to kiss their partners and have sex (because they love them).

Of course there can be some people who have extremely unrealistic standards or expectations so there's a line when it goes from normal and natural to extremely problematic, but for most it's not like that and they don't have crazy standards, they just have certain things that they find very unattractive.

I think it is exaggerating to say that the husband is controlling for expressing his opinion. He finds her more attractive with longer hair, that is just the truth, why should he lie? It also isn’t shallow. Everyone has preferences and he met her looking a certain way. He didn’t say he would stop loving her. I also think that a partner’s opinion is important and should be taken into consideration, when drastic changes are being made.
At the end of the day OP, you can do whatever you want.

Depending on your relationship, it could be very controlling or not at all. We’ve been together 20+ years, we have a healthy equal relationship. My partner keeps his hair how I like it, he’s not bothered. I know he hates bangs so I’ve never had them. He wouldn’t be spiteful and deliberately have his hair different if I really wanted bangs though, that’s not healthy.

I don’t think it’s shallow to prefer a certain hair cut on your partner or be less attracted due to it. If my partner got a tattoo or put on a lot of weight, I wouldn’t be as attracted to him.

Cut it!

Haha this is too funny. I am trying to picture my husband in a cardigan now.

Jokes aside, I want to try a really short haircut like a pixie or a bob. I won't do it though as I know my husband won't find it attractive. I want him to find me attractive. Long hair on me is his preference, so I keep my hair long for him. Just like he'll refrain from wearing cardigans for me.

My husband is not controlling in any way shape or form. He wouldn't stop me from cutting my hair. If I did it, he'd still love me, but just be sad about it.

At the end of the day, it really depends on what's most important to you. If you really badly want to cut your hair, then just do it!

Who are all these people who would no longer find someone they loved attractive if they cut their hair!! I'm sorry but I don't understand... how is your relationship going to stand the test of time? People's appearance will change so much over time. You'd really go off someone over a haircut? Wow.
If my DH ever said this type of shit to me that would repulse me. Never mind him going off me.. I'd be sent cold by his wierd controlling and shallow personality revealing itself.

Also, if a man went off me because I cut my hair, that means a large part of his attraction is my hair. For me that would be an issue.

A lot of men seem to love long hair. My own father wouldn't let me cut my hair short until I was 15! I look better with really short hair and, every time I grow it just for a change, the men in my life always complain when I cut it.

I tell them two things. 1. It's hair. It grows back. 2. It's not YOUR head!

Go for the chop, OP - if you hate it, it'll grow back. If your hubby hates it, who cares?!

This doesn't make sense though. The argument being made is "he can't help what he finds attractive", i.e. that physically he finds OP attractive with long hair and won't find her physically attractive with short hair. So presumably that (lack of attraction to short/no hair) would be the case regardless of the cause.

What's different is the intention - so losing hair to illness is not voluntary, Vs cutting your hair knowing your DH doesn't want you to is. So if one is saying the first case wouldn't affect one's attraction, but the second case would, then the argument isn't simply "he can't help what he finds attractive", as what he is finding unattractive isn't the short hair qua short hair, but the OP's defying him (which is much more concerning).

So that distinction doesn't hold water really.

@herewegoroundthebastardbush
If my partner had cancer, what he looked like wouldn’t really be a thought I’d have. But whilst he’s well, he keeps his hair and body how I like them. 🤷‍♀️ Would I expect my partner to be thinking he fancies me if I’m ill with cancer and lost my hair? Probably not! He wouldn’t even be thinking about that at that time. That doesn’t mean attraction isn’t important when all is well in our lives.

Where do people find these weird partners??!! I wear my hair (or dress/whatever) how I want to. A partner is entitled to their opinion, but anyone who told me they would no longer find me so attractive simply because I was getting my hair cut would be shown the door.

This.