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Original poster

Husband objecting to me cutting my hair short

124 replies

Lanky Lass · 10/12/2023 20:52

My husband has been objecting to me wanting to try a pixie cut, saying that he won't find me so attractive if I do or that he'll grow a beard. I don't actually mind him growing a beard, it's him saying he'll do something just because he thinks I won't like it that bothers me. I feel upset by his comment but obviously he's entitled to his opinion. Feeling a bit confused and wondering is this controlling behaviour by him?

OP posts:
spookehtooth · 10/12/2023 21:53

I'm a little bit taken aback by all the suggestions not to do it if he doesn't like it.

Not liking the thought of it, fine, trying to tell you not to is totally uncool. Makes me wonder what else he tells you not to do because he doesn't like it. Have you ever said anything similar to him @Lanky Lass when he wants to do something you don't like? I used to be with someone who said stuff like this, I couldn't do it again, if damaged my self confidence

Dery · 10/12/2023 22:02

@Leo227 Everyone else has not said the same. And yes - DH has worn his hair at a range of lengths including quite long and it’s not caused me to stop fancying him.

But to the important stuff - I’m really sorry to hear that you and your wife have had to face cancer. It’s great to hear you’ve come through it.

MustBeNapTime · 10/12/2023 22:06

I adore my husband and find him very attractive after over 20 years together. He has been clean shaven most of the time I have known him, apart from when he did Movember.... I still absolutely loved and adored him, but I definitely found him less attractive. I have an absolute "yuk" factor with regards to facial hair.

So if he said he wanted to grow a moustache or beard, I'd have to give him my opinion. I'd still love him, but I wouldn't be kissing him anymore because facial hair makes me physically shudder.

I don't think it's controlling or disrespectful to share your thoughts with a loved one. My husband also likes me with at least shoulder length hair, that's all he has known me to have and what drew him to me in the first place before he grew to love "me". If I wanted to have it shorter, I would speak to him and ask his opinion and if he really didn't think he would like it, then I wouldn't do it. He would still love me if I cut it, but I would understand that he might not find me attractive because he loves long hair and the way I look with it.

Leo227 · 10/12/2023 22:09

@Dery thanks.
Great that he obviously had suited a variety of hairstyles then or at least enough that it hasn't put you off.

I get that people would be worried if he was being controlling over a general haircut / colour and something relatively minor. but to go very short can completely change how someone looks - as I said I think I personally would look very masculine and my wife, not being attracted to masculine looking women, would understandably prefer that I didn't do that (and visa versa)

Torganer · 10/12/2023 22:09

fourelementary · 10/12/2023 21:22

Shallow much???

what if she lost her hair due to chemo or went bald through alopecia ? Surely you “fancy” your wife due to who she is and what she means to you, not just how she looks and how her hair is!?!?

Show quote history

Losing hair like that isn’t a choice. Having cancer is nothing like choosing to grow a handlebar moustache, growing or chopping hair.

mondaytosunday · 10/12/2023 22:11

Well I wouldn't want to kiss my husband if he grew a beard.

Burntouted · 10/12/2023 22:14

Everyone is shallow. Everyone has their preferences and ideals of beauty and attractiveness.

Just because someone loses their hair to illness or whatever, doesn't mean their spouse has to find the change attractive.

Some people can love and find beauty and strength in their partners without being physically attracted to them.

Physical attraction has to be there in some sort for any relationship. Let's be honest.

Op, cut your hair if you want..as it is yours to do with it what you want...just know that your husband is being honest by saying that this will alter his level of physical attraction towards you. ..which will impact your relationship. He likes what he likes, and vice versa.

It doesn't sound like he's being controlling..just honest.

Surely, if he made a drastic change in appearance, or gained a large amount of weight that you found unappealing...

I wouldn't think you'd fancy him still.

maltravers · 10/12/2023 22:23

I also absolutely hate beards and have told my husband this - how would he know otherwise, he’s not a mind reader. He’s still free to grow one (but I’d hate it). You’re still free to have a pixie cut, but if he hasn’t shown other controlling tendencies I would factor it in to your decision.

user701 · 10/12/2023 22:26

I don’t think those professing shock at the thought that someone might not find their partner as attractive if they changed their appearance dramatically are being honest. Of course peoples looks are a contributing factor to physical attraction.

i wouldn’t be as attracted to dh if he shaved his head, had a rats tail or if he became very overweight. I’d still love him but I wouldn’t be as physically attracted to him. Pixie cuts are also incredibly hard to pull off. Unless you are very slim with incredible bone structure it’s not a look that is easy to look good with.

Tistheramseason · 10/12/2023 22:33

I think it's fair enough for him to say that he would prefer you not to. It's also fair enough for you to do it anyway in the light of that info. I'm pretty sure I would find my DH less attractive if he shaved off all his hair and beard and I would expect he would prefer me not to shave my head either.

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 22:34

Came here to read because I just cut my hair short - not quite as short as a pixie, but almost. But I'm single. I'm kind of aware that men tend to prefer long hair and dislike short hair. But I like to think if someone already found me attractive, my hair wouldn't make much difference. Otherwise, they would have been mostly attracted to...my HAIR?!

I actually prefer how long hair looks on me, but short hair feels so good. Hair grows. It's not as if you'd necessarily keep it that way.

Being the contrarian that I am, if a man didn't want me to cut my hair, I'd definitely do it.

GrumpyPanda · 10/12/2023 22:39

Yell him you'll shave it off completely, then meet in the middle. Negotiations 101.

kaboomy · 10/12/2023 22:42

theduchessofspork · 10/12/2023 21:34

It is controlling.

It is your hair.

If he really doesn’t like it, you might chose not to have it long term. On the other hand you might, and you can, because it’s YOUR HAIR.

Quite. And he may not find the OP as attractive 🤷🏻‍♀️

kaboomy · 10/12/2023 22:43

Dery · 10/12/2023 21:45

“If you fancying your wife is based on a haircut, it doesn’t sound like much of a relationship.

You might prefer her with a particular hair style, but sexual attraction generally runs a rather deeper and wilder than the length of one’s hair..”

This. I fancy my DH because of all of him - not just his hair but his face, his body, his energy and his personality. I also fancy him because we’ve been 25 years together and still have interesting conversations and make each other laugh. The idea of not fancying him because of how he’s got his hair is just crazy.

What if he decided to go for a full body tattoo or shave off all his body hair?

SgtBilko · 10/12/2023 22:44

theduchessofspork · 10/12/2023 21:37

If you fancying your wife is based on a haircut, it doesn’t sound like much of a relationship.

You might prefer her with a particular hair style, but sexual attraction generally runs a rather deeper and wilder than the length of one’s hair..

Show quote history

This.

Leo227 · 10/12/2023 22:50

gosh id love if one of you was up for shaving all your hair off , like full on scalped shiny bald and report back on how it goes with your partner. 😆
joking obviously.. but also would genuinely be a bit interested

Ponderingwindow · 10/12/2023 22:53

I would prefer my husband not choose certain hairstyles. He is free to do so, but I will admit I think certain styles would make him less attractive physically. I won’t love him any less and it won’t impact our marriage, but if I did get to pick, I wouldn’t pick them.

i think it’s fair for him to feel the same way about my hair. I actually know he feels a bit more strongly about it. He is very attached to my hair. If something ever happens to me and I lose it for medical reasons, I think he will mourn it more than me. If I cut it he will accept it. He won’t be happy about it though.

Copperoliverbear · 10/12/2023 22:58

Do it tomorrow.

Done2much · 10/12/2023 23:00

what on earth makes him think he won't find you so attractive?? you'll still be the same person, but with a different hairstyle. as other posters have said, a change in hair length isn't always planned and this does sound like an attempt to control you, sorry

VeronicaSawyer89 · 10/12/2023 23:01

Leo227 · 10/12/2023 21:09

I wouldn't fancy my wife any more if she got one either (still love her obviously) but it would be damaging for our relationship in the physical attraction sense. same if I did something to drastically change my appearance might put her off me too. so if you don't mind him not fancying you anymore then just do it anyway?

Seriously? You won't fancy your wife anymore if she had short hair? Christ aren't men shallow!

Leo227 · 10/12/2023 23:05

@VeronicaSawyer89 I'm not a man and my wife doesn't suit short hair - she had it when younger so we know this (i would also look ridiculous) so no I wouldn't fancy her. do you fancy every person you look at regardless of how they look??

Snippit · 10/12/2023 23:05

I’m the opposite. My husband would love me to have my hair cut short, which is what it was when we first met. I never felt feminine with short hair as I was a bit Tom boyish. I now have options of various styles, up do’s etc. Short hair just isn’t as versatile and for me required more maintenance.

i recently attended a wedding and my daughter styled my hair in an up-do and I loved it, I got so many compliments. If you really want to go shorter why not lose the length gradually and see how you feel.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 10/12/2023 23:06

user701 · 10/12/2023 22:26

I don’t think those professing shock at the thought that someone might not find their partner as attractive if they changed their appearance dramatically are being honest. Of course peoples looks are a contributing factor to physical attraction.

i wouldn’t be as attracted to dh if he shaved his head, had a rats tail or if he became very overweight. I’d still love him but I wouldn’t be as physically attracted to him. Pixie cuts are also incredibly hard to pull off. Unless you are very slim with incredible bone structure it’s not a look that is easy to look good with.

I'm being honest. My husband has had all manner of haircuts throughout our relationship, ranging from a buzzcut to long down his back. He's been completely clean shaven to having a Gandalf beard. His weight has fluctuated massively. I've always found him attractive. I find it quite shallow when people base the whole of the attractiveness of their partners on their looks.

ButterCupPie · 10/12/2023 23:06

I'd go Sinéad O'Connor if a man said that to me. Seriously.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 10/12/2023 23:07

Leo227 · 10/12/2023 23:05

@VeronicaSawyer89 I'm not a man and my wife doesn't suit short hair - she had it when younger so we know this (i would also look ridiculous) so no I wouldn't fancy her. do you fancy every person you look at regardless of how they look??

The first part of my post stands then, just not the second part.

Why would I find every single person I look at attractive? That's just bloody weird!