Partner angry at sisters reaction to moving abroad!

[Ashreen]

So my partner has been offered a new government job abroad and we’ve just informed all our families. They are all happy and excited for us but sad to see us go and will miss us!

But when I told my sisters they’re reaction was hurt and sadness more than excitement! Our relationship has been strained recently (we are all very close!) but they’ve been clashing with my partner as they’ve interfered in our relationship when I wasn’t happy and they messaged my partner calling him out then my partner retaliated and they weren’t happy I took his side over theirs. Since then I’ve been keeping my distance as I did realise they shouldn’t have got involved and were blaming me and my partner rather than look at what they did wrong as well.

So now after telling them they were upset that I hadn’t told them sooner and felt hurt that if we were as close as we were I would have. But I wanted to tell them after we’d made the decision but anyway they’re coming around to the idea even though I did feel sad and guilty!!

So now my partner has noticed and is angry they’ve reacted like that and said he knew they would and that my sisters are not nice people and he doesn’t want anything to do with them! I tried to explain they are within their rights to feel upset and after everything’s that happened they felt sad to lose me even more with the distance. But I accept that but he won’t and keeps going on about it wanting me to agree with his views of how selfish and entitled they are and I’m just upset as we’ve been trying to mend our relationship and I just want my sisters to be ok and not think they’ve lost me but my partner isn’t making it easy for me and even says they won’t be welcome to our house and to our new place abroad and I should respect his feelings but what about mine?!!! How can I go about this? As it keeps making us argue!

Does he go to work tomorrow?

If so, try to keep things calm the rest of the evening and when he leaves for work, call your family. They will help you.
Do NOT let on to him that you're doing this.

OP I don’t know if someone has said this but going abroad is madness as you will become more trapped. This is because if you split, the children become resident in New Country and you can’t bring them back to the UK to live without permission from your ex and obviously he’s the type to say no to spite you.
Your sisters are 100% in the right to be concerned about your h and you moving abroad.

DO NOT GO ABROAD WITH HIM.

Loving partners do not

*Cut you off from your family

*Emotionally blackmail you

*Call you a fucking
cunt.

Gosh OP 💐

I just need the courage to leave but it’s so hard.

You think it's hard now? Just wait until you're in another country, no job, no resources and you're banned from returning home with your children.

You will be making the biggest mistake of your life if you move with him, but sadly I think everything everyone has told you has been a complete waste of time. You will stay with him, and move with him and you'll be back on MN in short order asking for more advice which you will again ignore.

You have completely disregarded everything your own family has warned you about, the only people on earth who truly love and care for you, there's no way you're going to take advice from strangers.

Do not move abroad. You will be stuck forever- you have a 3yo, he won’t let you take your child back to your country, and he won’t let your family visit and support you. Don’t go. Don’t trap yourself like this. Stop saying things like your sister overstepped. Your sister wanted to help you and your abusive partner got angry. That’s what happened. Of course she wanted to help you. Any sister would. Don’t go. Think of your 3yo and how they will grow up.

I really, really hope you will heed the warning and not go. This man sounds awful op. You would be trapped. I read Not without my daughter. Haven’t seen the film. It is horrific. Women, all over the world, are trapped with their children in foreign countries or worse.

My friend knows a woman, who brought her son over to Dubai / another UAE country to visit her ex. The father then forbade the mum from returning with their ds. She eventually returned to the uk and from memory, may also have been prevented from re admittance (powerful family). At 16, the boy managed to get a passport and plane ticket, escape his driver / security and flee the country to reunite with his mum. It was over a decade ago but made the news.

As you know they are worried for you. OP don’t go on a posting with this man. Trust me things will get 100% worse and then you’ll be trapped without any family support. Your sisters will never be friendly with your DH again, he knows they are aware of his short comings and want to protect you.

Thank you for all your support MN! You’ll all be pleased to know I have left! I’ve come to my parents I informed him I was leaving by text and then switched my phone off he wasn’t home when we left. I am happy to be finally free! I am with my family and child and I am not going to go back! I was afraid but never again and this time when my family stop him from trying to see or contact me I will let them! Wow can’t believe what I’m even saying that it’s finally happened! Also he’s called and messaged angry messages but I‘ve not read them. I’ll call the police if he tries anything.

Wow wasn't expecting that! Good luck with everything, OP x

What a turn around. I thought you were so deep in it you’d struggle to extract yourself. Please tell your family EVERYTHING about what’s been going on so they can support you and help keep you safe. Also have a look at these pictures when you’re feeling a bit wobbly so you can remind yourself what has been happening was abuse and wasn’t in your head or a response to you doing something you shouldn’t (as he’d like you to believe).

Good.

Stay away from him.

He'll chuck a load of abuse at first.
Possibly threaten, if he threatened anything, report to police on non emergency.
If he arrives where you are, lock yourself in and safe, don't respond, record it if you can.

After this little tantrum period he'll start the gaslighting and begging and promising.
Ignore it.
That's him losing control and trying to gain it back. He'll tell you everything you want to hear, he won't mean any of it. Imagine he's a big toddler who wants a cookie and is promising he'll tidy his toys and clean his room if he gets one.

Don't let that work. Just completely ignore him, don't even respond, just save the messages.

Get a child arrangements order started, easily done online, do that today.
Make it clear you left due to emotional abuse and you're worried that the abuse will negatively impact child etc.

Keep every nasty message, every threatening voicemail, every outburst of anger etc.

Make sure none of your family interact with him at all. Just completely ignore. Don't let your uncle John threaten him or let aunty Brian slap him etc.

Keep your hands clean because of you go to court over anything, they want to see you've done everything right.

Good luck OP.
It's an uphill fight and you may find you weaken. If you do, get back to MN and find some moral support. Vast majority of MN will be rooting for you to have a life free of abuse, especially those who have lived through it. ❤️

Well done for plucking up the courage OP. It’s extremely hard to do so when you’ve been dealing with abuse. It’s really good that you have such a supportive family that are able to welcome you in with open arms.

It will be hard but take advantage of the support that you have IRL (and on MN ofc). Wishing you all the best💐

Good. Now whatever happens do NOT change your mind and go abroad with him. Even in a nice comfortable EU country things can get INCREDIBLY hard if you decide then to leave because of the child. So stay at your parents. Do not, under any circumstances, go back to him now. Don't waver, don't doubt yourself.

Your family must be so relieved. If my daughter had been in your position I'd have been beside myself with worry. And having to stay on the right side of him to keep her safe and our contact going would have been agonising.

I'm so glad you and DD are back with your family. Well done for that swift U turn.

@Ashreen You have just taken the best possible step you ever could, so be proud of your courage in doing this. Your family love you and will take care of you and your dc. All the best.

Good luck op. You know, I wrote a similar post many years ago and through the responses I received I also left. My life now is wonderful and I’m in a relationship with a sweet, gentle man. Keep looking forwards. X

Well done OP. I can tell you I made the mistake of not listening and ended up trapped in a country for 3 years without being able to exit with my DD.

Breathe a big sigh of relief.

And whatever you do don't give in to the love bombing that might come your way. The shit person is who he really is. The nice person is what he pretends to be to reel you back in.

Well doneOP.
It could easily feel overwhelming to read the responses on this thread.

Your family have your back.

Now you need to watch out for the manipulation to get you back, especially the lines that are out of the abusive partner handbook such as threatening to harm themselves or commit suicide if you don't come back to them.

Remember if he tries those tactics whatever he threatens to do, he is 100% responsible for his own actions. You don't have to remain hostage to his emotions and power play.

Your sisters and parents will be so so relieved. I wish my family had recognised it and 'interfered' more. The validation from others is what helps us to understand it's abuse, in the absence of physical violence.

You've done brilliantly. Wishing you ever strength and happiness for a better future. (Hope the fucker goes through with his job offer and you get shot of him! )

Good on you op!

Always keep in mind that good people don't tend to do evil things...but evil people regularly pretend to be good.

You know who he really is so don't ever let him fool you again.

Op you made the right decision. You will have moments where you wonder if it wasn’t. But it is.

Well done!

@Ashreen

I'm so glad and so happy for you! What a relief.

Now, once you've caught your breath, if you think he may proceed with moving abroad you need to see a solicitor and file a Prohibited Steps order to insure that he is not able to take your child out of the country. You also may need to start any proceedings regarding 'child arrangements' to get contact settled. Good legal advice is worth its weight in gold, even if the advice is to 'sit tight for now'.

Also you may want to notify the passport office to put a 'flag' on your child's passport in case he tries any 'funny business' there, like reporting it 'lost' and getting a new one.

Well done OP. New Year soon, new start. Onwards and upwards! Best wishes xx