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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner angry at sisters reaction to moving abroad!

157 replies

Ashreen · 09/12/2023 23:42

So my partner has been offered a new government job abroad and we’ve just informed all our families. They are all happy and excited for us but sad to see us go and will miss us!

But when I told my sisters they’re reaction was hurt and sadness more than excitement! Our relationship has been strained recently (we are all very close!) but they’ve been clashing with my partner as they’ve interfered in our relationship when I wasn’t happy and they messaged my partner calling him out then my partner retaliated and they weren’t happy I took his side over theirs. Since then I’ve been keeping my distance as I did realise they shouldn’t have got involved and were blaming me and my partner rather than look at what they did wrong as well.

So now after telling them they were upset that I hadn’t told them sooner and felt hurt that if we were as close as we were I would have. But I wanted to tell them after we’d made the decision but anyway they’re coming around to the idea even though I did feel sad and guilty!!

So now my partner has noticed and is angry they’ve reacted like that and said he knew they would and that my sisters are not nice people and he doesn’t want anything to do with them! I tried to explain they are within their rights to feel upset and after everything’s that happened they felt sad to lose me even more with the distance. But I accept that but he won’t and keeps going on about it wanting me to agree with his views of how selfish and entitled they are and I’m just upset as we’ve been trying to mend our relationship and I just want my sisters to be ok and not think they’ve lost me but my partner isn’t making it easy for me and even says they won’t be welcome to our house and to our new place abroad and I should respect his feelings but what about mine?!!! How can I go about this? As it keeps making us argue!

OP posts:

Original poster

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 18:10

Nope he’s not apologised. And we’re arguing right now because I told him I won’t tell my sisters they’re not allowed to visit! So he’s said he’ll message them himself now and called me a fucking cunt for not being grateful that he’s not stopping me from seeing them and he’s given me everything but I can’t be the dutiful wife and respect his wishes so I can fuck off…

OP posts:

cansu · 10/12/2023 18:12

Read back what you have just written. The problems in your relationship are not just poor communication. You need to get out of this relationship. If it was happy and healthy he would not be trying to control your family relationships.

Original poster

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 18:13

Yes I know I’m in a controlling abusive relationship. There I said it.

OP posts:

titchy · 10/12/2023 18:14

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 18:13

Yes I know I’m in a controlling abusive relationship. There I said it.

And you have a fantastic opportunity to get out of it. You can do this. Your family will support you.

titchy · 10/12/2023 18:15

You know he'll never ever give you permission to come back to the UK with your child? Not even for a holiday.

Hatty65 · 10/12/2023 18:18

You are a cunt? Who isn't grateful that he hasn't stopped you from seeing your own parents and sisters?

OMG. I would walk out now. Tonight. With my child.

Go to your parents and file for divorce for God's sake. Don't ever engage with any conversation with him again. Men this abusive cannot be reasoned with.

Dery · 10/12/2023 18:22

“Yes I know I’m in a controlling abusive relationship. There I said it.”

It’s great that you have acknowledged this. Moving abroad with this man will be a huge mistake. You need your family’s support more than ever now. Please don’t move abroad with him. There’s a very good chance you’ll get stuck there even if you leave him because he will be able to prevent you returning with your daughter.

Throwawayme · 10/12/2023 18:25

He sounds fucking horrible. It's good that you have recognised he's abusive and controlling. Do not move abroad with him. Stay here and let him go. Your family will support you.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/12/2023 18:31

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 18:13

Yes I know I’m in a controlling abusive relationship. There I said it.

Yes, you did. And I'm taking your words at face value and assuming you aren't being sarcastic.

So now that you've said it, what are you going to do about it? Sounds to me as if you have a wonderfully supportive family who will have your back at every turn if (as you should) you decide to leave him.

If I were you I'd be on the phone to my parents pronto and making arrangements to go to them.

And personally, I don't think your sister was out of line at all at what she said to him during your IVF. He was acting like a real prick and deserved a telling off. And your dad was right to want to stop you from leaving with him. Seems to me they are seeing him much more clearly than you are. Listen to them.

blacksax · 10/12/2023 18:33

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 18:10

The dutiful wife who respects his wishes. He's really beginning to show his true colours now, isn't he?

If I were you I'd take him at his word and fuck off. Leave the bastard, go to your family and take your dc with you.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 18:36

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 18:13

Yes I know I’m in a controlling abusive relationship. There I said it.

Then don’t go.

They don’t need to convince you to not go. You know you shouldn’t be going. He is convincing you with his own behaviour. You know once he has you there he is going to make you further distance and if you leave him he will do what he can to make sure you can’t come home with your child.

don’t do it to yourself or more importantly to your child.

furtivetussling · 10/12/2023 18:36

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 18:13

Yes I know I’m in a controlling abusive relationship. There I said it.

Yes. It's taken a lot for you to finally admit it, but you did it, so well done.

category12 · 10/12/2023 18:37

called me a fucking cunt for not being grateful that he’s not stopping me from seeing them

He doesn't or shouldn't get to tell you who you can or cannot see.

For the love of god, don't move abroad with him.

Topseyt123 · 10/12/2023 18:55

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 18:10

Take this arsehole at his word here, and fuck right off out of the relationship, taking your child. This really is a golden opportunity for you to do that. You might never get a better one.

Go to your parents and never return to him. Under no circumstances should you and your child go and live abroad with him. If you do that then he really will have you trapped and you won't be able to just get out and bring your child back to the UK with you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/12/2023 19:11

What everyone else said. A controlling man wants to move you abroad and remove your supports.

What is the plan for you in the other country? Work, or will you be entirely dependent financially on him as well?

GodDammitCecil · 10/12/2023 19:16

‘Dutiful wife’….? Why is it your job to be dutiful, and not his?

In 20 years with DH, he’s never called me a ‘fucking’ anything, never called me a cunt, never sworn at me, and never even yelled at me.

Please lean on your sisters, who do actually care about you, and use this opportunity to get far away from this ‘man’.

Namerequired · 10/12/2023 19:35

There’s the hard bit done, acceptance. Now reach out to your parents and sisters and whoever else supports you, and see if you can say this to them. They are the ones who will get you through this. I have a feeling there will be a lot of sighs and tears of relief that you finally see what they see

Aquamarine1029 · 10/12/2023 19:40

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 18:13

Yes I know I’m in a controlling abusive relationship. There I said it.

Then do something about it.

WinterDeWinter · 10/12/2023 19:46

Your whole family will be so pleased that you've seen the light OP.

I know it seems scary but you have all of them rooting for you and I'm sure that they will do everything to support and protect you.

Your sisters sound fantastic. They will all have been so worried, talking about how to proceed so as not to alienate him further so that he cuts you off from them. Honestly, they will have been so worried and will be so, so happy when you turn up at their door.

Of course, he'll become a decent guy again if you'll just give him one more chance. It will all have been because he's been having a mental health crisis. It'll be because he knows he's not worthy of you. He will commit suicide if you leave him.

It will all be lies. Once you're back with him he'll revert to the man who calls you a cunt.

Don't fall for it.

frogswimming · 10/12/2023 19:47

Op do not move to a foreign country with this man. He is abusive and is trying to isolate you from your family. You could get trapped there dependent on him and unable to leave because of your daughter.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 10/12/2023 19:49

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 18:13

Yes I know I’m in a controlling abusive relationship. There I said it.

So what are you going to do about it?

Prelapsarianhag · 10/12/2023 19:59

Oh my love, do not go abroad with this man, he will destroy you. If I was your family I would fucking want to sort him out. Listen to your dear sisters - they care about you.

Original poster

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 20:00

I just need the courage to leave but it’s so hard. I thought we could be happy and things were good but he keeps moving the goalposts and it’s becoming increasingly harder to abide by his ‘wishes’ I knew my sisters would be upset at the news of moving aboard because they’d be worried sick of how I’d be with just him but it’s like he’s trying to say ‘see they failed yet another test they’re not happy for you for their own selfish reasons!’

I think he will tell me to leave himself anyway to which I should stay firm and then do just that!

When we had that big argument 2 years ago when my family got involved it was because he was threatening me to come back home or he’d divorce me. (Sorry I know I said he’s my partner but he’s my husband) so they saw the emotional blackmail and threats and when I said ok I’m going back they were so worried for me they told me not to go like that and wait a few days but because they told me that he called them negative influences and thus the whole rigamarole started of ‘reinforcing boundaries’ I will add that after that episode he was ok with them and civil and they did come here and he was fine with that it’s because it happened ‘again’ that he felt he had to be forceful but even so I still can’t accept his conditions in that they’re not allowed to visit me or continue to slag them off and expect me to join in and agree. I’ve defended him so much and he keeps putting more pressure on!

OP posts:

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 20:09

It will be easier if you reach out to your family.

call them, let them help you move out. But you must stick to it. You can’t keep putting yourself, your child and your family through this. You are leaving and asking them to risk losing you, if you get back with him.

If you go back again, he will cut them off. He will succeed and you will give in to try and keep him happy.

This is why families can end up backing right off. The person being abused reaches out, the family helps, the abuse victim goes back and the abuser manages to push the family out lore. Next time they are pushed out more. Eventually, they dare not get involved because they will be pushed out completely leaving the victim with no one.

Your husband is abusing them through you. Controlling them by dangling no contact over them. There’s only you that can leave and stay away. Let him divorce you. If you love he will threaten divorce every time you don’t do as he says, using all the consequences that come with it to really stick the boot in.

As an aside why pretend you aren’t married if you are. Are you legally married?

LemonNLime99 · 10/12/2023 20:16

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 18:13

Yes I know I’m in a controlling abusive relationship. There I said it.

Even though I don't know you, I felt a sense of pride reading this. I'm proud of you OP for taking this first step and recognising your relationship for what it is. None of this is your fault.

Can you give the National Domestic Abuse Helpline a call? It's now run by Refuge. They will be able to listen and help you leave.

Keep posting on here. You'll get nothing but support.

How are you feeling?

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