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Original poster

Partner angry at sisters reaction to moving abroad!

157 replies

Ashreen · 09/12/2023 23:42

So my partner has been offered a new government job abroad and we’ve just informed all our families. They are all happy and excited for us but sad to see us go and will miss us!

But when I told my sisters they’re reaction was hurt and sadness more than excitement! Our relationship has been strained recently (we are all very close!) but they’ve been clashing with my partner as they’ve interfered in our relationship when I wasn’t happy and they messaged my partner calling him out then my partner retaliated and they weren’t happy I took his side over theirs. Since then I’ve been keeping my distance as I did realise they shouldn’t have got involved and were blaming me and my partner rather than look at what they did wrong as well.

So now after telling them they were upset that I hadn’t told them sooner and felt hurt that if we were as close as we were I would have. But I wanted to tell them after we’d made the decision but anyway they’re coming around to the idea even though I did feel sad and guilty!!

So now my partner has noticed and is angry they’ve reacted like that and said he knew they would and that my sisters are not nice people and he doesn’t want anything to do with them! I tried to explain they are within their rights to feel upset and after everything’s that happened they felt sad to lose me even more with the distance. But I accept that but he won’t and keeps going on about it wanting me to agree with his views of how selfish and entitled they are and I’m just upset as we’ve been trying to mend our relationship and I just want my sisters to be ok and not think they’ve lost me but my partner isn’t making it easy for me and even says they won’t be welcome to our house and to our new place abroad and I should respect his feelings but what about mine?!!! How can I go about this? As it keeps making us argue!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 10/12/2023 07:33

Wow your sisters are your family. I was a trailing spouse. Difference was a) I was married and b) my dh never would have given me such a vile ultimatum. It sounds to me awfully like he’s trying to isolate you from them. Bottom line, don’t go.

Cakeandcardio · 10/12/2023 08:01

My sister is an absolutely unreasonable person who has done some pretty nasty things. Not for even one tiny second has my DH said she's not welcome in our home or told me not to have contact with her. He doesn't like her one bit (I know) but he never says it.
Think about how you will be further alienated from your family if you move abroad. Not a wise move.

NotExactlySuits · 10/12/2023 08:05

He's created an emotional distance between you and your sisters.

Now he's creating a physical distance too.

Think very, very carefully about what you're doing and who is likely to be on your side.

RedHelenB · 10/12/2023 08:16

rwalker · 10/12/2023 07:01

there’s no details saying he’s a selfish abusive twat if that’s the case you may have a point

just he wants nothing to do with an overstepping interfering sister

Show quote history

Fair enough if it was just him having nothing to do with her but to say she's can't visit when they move abroad is controlling and a massive red flag.

Bananalanacake · 10/12/2023 10:13

How long have you been with him?
Do you want to give up your life and job for him?
Do you really want to move to this country?

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 10:16

Why are you think of moving with him? And please don’t say ‘because I love him’.

You would be moving away from family to a place they aren’t welcome, because a man who thinks he can dictate everyone else’s feelings and reactions got a job?

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 10/12/2023 10:20

You're moving countries with an angry man who did something to you so bad that your sisters got involved and it has caused a feud when you took his side. Presumably because you didnt want more drama from him?

you didnt tell then until very late, why?

Youve left out so many key details because you know he is not a good person.

do not move abroad. If you do make sure you have money in an account you do not touch that he doesnt know about, to get home easily.

WeeOrcadian · 10/12/2023 10:22

Christ alive

Don't make the move. He's trying to create a physical distance between you and your family, he's already created an emotional one.

Reverse this - if it was your sister saying this, what would be your advice?

Original poster
Ashreen · 10/12/2023 12:39

The reason he hates them is because they messaged him when we argued after I had decided I was leaving him. We then worked things out but he wanted to enforce the boundaries and had to do it forcefully as in had it out with my parents and that if they continued to interfere he would have no choice but to stop all contact. Obviously my family are now sticking to that but he also wanted me to confront my sisters in their wrong doings rather than blame myself for over sharing. So I did but again he still wasn’t happy with their response as in them saying they were just sticking up for me and they got abuse from him and I let him.

Now that I am satisfied it won’t be happening again (because I wouldn’t tell them everything that happens between is and in turn they won’t feel the need to overstep) he’s still accusing them of being selfish and that their conduct is wrong and he doesn’t want anything to do with them or have them in his life and our 3 year old daughter. He is now upset with me for not seeing his view even though I’ve accepted that he doesn’t want anything to do with them they can avoid each other but just don’t want them to be told ‘no sorry you are not welcome because of what you did’ ideally I would like them to reconcile so we can leave on good terms but he’s not accepting that and I can’t accept his terms and conditions. Not sure where it will leave us!

OP posts:
category12 · 10/12/2023 12:47

Hang on, did he threaten your parents that he would never have contact with them, or that you wouldn't as well?

Were you on board with that? If he was saying it for you both?

What have your family done that's so awful other than stand up for you?

When you nearly split up, why was that?

Do you have children?

Have you looked at what your rights will be in this new country? Will you be able to work? Will you have your own income?

If you have children, if you wanted to come home, would you be allowed to without his permission?

makeminealargeoneagain · 10/12/2023 12:48

Can't you see that he is abusive and trying to isolate you from your family. The fact that you now won't share your thoughts with your sisters shows that you are modifying your behaviour to fit his agenda. You will be alone in a foreign country with an emotionally abusive man. It would be further complicated if you had a child abroad and would potentially be trapped if he didn't want to return home. Please rethink this move. He has done a real number on you. People who really love and care about you are trying to protect you from this abusive man.

Takenoprisoner · 10/12/2023 12:49

why had you decided to leave him the first time? Sounds like that was the right decision. Don't move abroad with this abusive man and make yourself dependent on him, financially and emotionally. What will you do for money if things don't work out? He will ramp up the alienating. Will you work whilst there?

muddyford · 10/12/2023 12:51

And you are leaving for a new country with an aggressive pillock like him? Your poor family.

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 10/12/2023 12:54

he wanted to enforce the boundaries and had to do it forcefully as in had it out with my parents and that if they continued to interfere he would have no choice but to stop all contact

he is a bully.

Do not take your child abroad with this man. You will be stuck. No way back. He could prevent you returning with your daughter.

you could lose your daughter from this.

do not move.

thedamnseason · 10/12/2023 12:58

Were your family's concerns valid? Sounds like things were pretty bad between you if you were considering leaving him.

I'd be really worried if then suddenly you were planning to move abroad with him, away from family support. I'd be worried this was a deliberate attempt to isolate you and escape the glare of your family.

It certainly sounds like that and I really wouldn't be moving away with him at the moment.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 13:00

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 12:39

The reason he hates them is because they messaged him when we argued after I had decided I was leaving him. We then worked things out but he wanted to enforce the boundaries and had to do it forcefully as in had it out with my parents and that if they continued to interfere he would have no choice but to stop all contact. Obviously my family are now sticking to that but he also wanted me to confront my sisters in their wrong doings rather than blame myself for over sharing. So I did but again he still wasn’t happy with their response as in them saying they were just sticking up for me and they got abuse from him and I let him.

Now that I am satisfied it won’t be happening again (because I wouldn’t tell them everything that happens between is and in turn they won’t feel the need to overstep) he’s still accusing them of being selfish and that their conduct is wrong and he doesn’t want anything to do with them or have them in his life and our 3 year old daughter. He is now upset with me for not seeing his view even though I’ve accepted that he doesn’t want anything to do with them they can avoid each other but just don’t want them to be told ‘no sorry you are not welcome because of what you did’ ideally I would like them to reconcile so we can leave on good terms but he’s not accepting that and I can’t accept his terms and conditions. Not sure where it will leave us!

He doesn’t get to choose your child can’t see them.

Why and what did they message him?

You wanted to leave him?

Who is he to be having it out with your parents? And who did he say would stop contact? Him, you, your child?

But he still isn’t happy that you confronted your sister/s, even though you did. He still isn’t happy that they are keeping out of it, even though they are. And still is trying to cut them out of him life and your life? And your child’s life?

You aren’t saying why you wanted to leave but I a guess it’s something bad that he did. But you have done absolutely everything he wanted, they have done everything he wanted and he still isn’t happy. He believes he has a right to dictate how people feel and how they react to you moving.

You are becoming a trailing spouse. Without the actual spouse bit and relocating away from any support you might have, severing the relationship your daughter has with them. This is after he has made sure you won’t ever speak to them about relationship issues or him. But that’s not enough. He wants to be in another country from them and is saying they can’t even visit?

If you split in this other country how easy would it be to come back with your child?

Can you not see how he is ensuring you have no support, at all. How he is slowly making sure you have no relationship with your family? And you feel you have to do. Even though you are doing it he is still angry at you. Can you see what’s happening?

category12 · 10/12/2023 13:04

Sorry, I see you have a 3 yr old daughter.

Have you looked at the legal situation if your relationship fails and you are in this new country?

What will your visa be?
Will you be able to work?
Will you and your child be able to return if he wants to stay out there and says no?

Nicole1111 · 10/12/2023 13:09

So he’s unhappy you shared your feelings with your family while seeking support because they showed him in a bad light? And even though you’ve now agreed to keep everything a secret to protect him from having to be challenged on his bad behaviour it’s still not enough, and you have to stop contact with your siblings as well?
Sounds like an incredibly healthy relationship to me.

GreatGateauxsby · 10/12/2023 13:11

Your husband sounds nuts and I personally think you'd be mad to move abroad with him.

I feel so sorry for your family they must be so worried about you....

FannyFifer · 10/12/2023 13:12

You are in an abusive relationship.
Your family can see this.

Original poster
Ashreen · 10/12/2023 13:14

I wanted to leave him because after 8 years we were still having the same issues between us. Feeling like I’d never be good enough, not emotionally there for me and we were just living as roommates. Once we talked we realised we had communication issues and we just needed to be open and honest with each other to not think the worst of each other and resenting. The time my sister’s messaged him was when I was going through and ivf transfer and we stopped talking to each other after an argument and I was broken emotionally physically but I didn’t show him and instead told my sister who then snapped and told him in a message that his behaviour was appalling and he wasn’t being the family man he kept insisting he was and he should be ashamed of himself. Previously when I had gone to my parents after a fight he wanted to come and see me and my dad said he couldn’t and I wasn’t leaving with him and that made him have it out with my parents as he was trying to fix things and my dad had stopped him. When I try and explain my family did what they did out of worry love and care for me he says it’s still wrong and they can’t get involved no matter what. And then after my sisters recent message he said that he’d had enough and it was over for him whereby he’s having nothing to do with them and I have to respect his wishes or I’m not being loyal to him. He’s said a lot of hurtful things to my family and to me about the way we’re brought up and our characters are not nice and he doesn’t want any negative influence in his daughters life.

OP posts:
Anisette · 10/12/2023 13:15

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 12:39

The reason he hates them is because they messaged him when we argued after I had decided I was leaving him. We then worked things out but he wanted to enforce the boundaries and had to do it forcefully as in had it out with my parents and that if they continued to interfere he would have no choice but to stop all contact. Obviously my family are now sticking to that but he also wanted me to confront my sisters in their wrong doings rather than blame myself for over sharing. So I did but again he still wasn’t happy with their response as in them saying they were just sticking up for me and they got abuse from him and I let him.

Now that I am satisfied it won’t be happening again (because I wouldn’t tell them everything that happens between is and in turn they won’t feel the need to overstep) he’s still accusing them of being selfish and that their conduct is wrong and he doesn’t want anything to do with them or have them in his life and our 3 year old daughter. He is now upset with me for not seeing his view even though I’ve accepted that he doesn’t want anything to do with them they can avoid each other but just don’t want them to be told ‘no sorry you are not welcome because of what you did’ ideally I would like them to reconcile so we can leave on good terms but he’s not accepting that and I can’t accept his terms and conditions. Not sure where it will leave us!

Oh. My. God. I was concerned enough at your first post, when you said they'd intervened when you weren't happy, your partner retaliated and you ended up siding with him. But this explanation makes it ten times worse. You were so unhappy you were about to leave him, when they contacted him he insisted they had to butt out or he would isolate you from them. And the only reason you are satisfied that it won't happen again is NOT because you've pointed out how controlling and bullying that threat was, but because you've just decided to keep secrets from your family no matter how bad things get with your partner.

Please, please, please, don't isolate yourself and your child abroad with this man. He won't let you have friends, he won't let your bring your daughter back here, and he will just get more and more controlling. Please don't let that happen.

Quitelikeit · 10/12/2023 13:15

If you were planing on leaving him then I understand why you informed your family.

The key question is what was this man doing to you that was so bad you were tempted to leave him?

I do think it’s unwise to tell family every little argument as they never get the other side of the story and naturally it makes it uncomfortable for the other spouse who likely wouldn’t chose to discuss arguments held in private with your family.

He is clearly hurting but they have apologised and want to move on. You be careful here and make sure you understand what you are getting yourself into.

It is wrong to insist they won’t be allowed to visit you and he should not interfere in your relationship with them as much as it is wrong for them to interfere in your relationship with him.

If he is abusive then I’m afraid that won’t change going forward.

Anisette · 10/12/2023 13:16

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 13:14

I wanted to leave him because after 8 years we were still having the same issues between us. Feeling like I’d never be good enough, not emotionally there for me and we were just living as roommates. Once we talked we realised we had communication issues and we just needed to be open and honest with each other to not think the worst of each other and resenting. The time my sister’s messaged him was when I was going through and ivf transfer and we stopped talking to each other after an argument and I was broken emotionally physically but I didn’t show him and instead told my sister who then snapped and told him in a message that his behaviour was appalling and he wasn’t being the family man he kept insisting he was and he should be ashamed of himself. Previously when I had gone to my parents after a fight he wanted to come and see me and my dad said he couldn’t and I wasn’t leaving with him and that made him have it out with my parents as he was trying to fix things and my dad had stopped him. When I try and explain my family did what they did out of worry love and care for me he says it’s still wrong and they can’t get involved no matter what. And then after my sisters recent message he said that he’d had enough and it was over for him whereby he’s having nothing to do with them and I have to respect his wishes or I’m not being loyal to him. He’s said a lot of hurtful things to my family and to me about the way we’re brought up and our characters are not nice and he doesn’t want any negative influence in his daughters life.

So it's not just your sisters who are worried for you, it's your father as well? Why aren't you listening to them?

blacksax · 10/12/2023 13:18

Not sure where it will leave us!

Up shit creek without a paddle, that's where.

You are in a volatile relationship, you and your DP have had many disagreements in the past and he is deliberately trying to isolate you from your family. And you think you want to go and live abroad with this man?

Sorry, but you would have to be crackers to do that.