Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner angry at sisters reaction to moving abroad!

157 replies

Ashreen · 09/12/2023 23:42

So my partner has been offered a new government job abroad and we’ve just informed all our families. They are all happy and excited for us but sad to see us go and will miss us!

But when I told my sisters they’re reaction was hurt and sadness more than excitement! Our relationship has been strained recently (we are all very close!) but they’ve been clashing with my partner as they’ve interfered in our relationship when I wasn’t happy and they messaged my partner calling him out then my partner retaliated and they weren’t happy I took his side over theirs. Since then I’ve been keeping my distance as I did realise they shouldn’t have got involved and were blaming me and my partner rather than look at what they did wrong as well.

So now after telling them they were upset that I hadn’t told them sooner and felt hurt that if we were as close as we were I would have. But I wanted to tell them after we’d made the decision but anyway they’re coming around to the idea even though I did feel sad and guilty!!

So now my partner has noticed and is angry they’ve reacted like that and said he knew they would and that my sisters are not nice people and he doesn’t want anything to do with them! I tried to explain they are within their rights to feel upset and after everything’s that happened they felt sad to lose me even more with the distance. But I accept that but he won’t and keeps going on about it wanting me to agree with his views of how selfish and entitled they are and I’m just upset as we’ve been trying to mend our relationship and I just want my sisters to be ok and not think they’ve lost me but my partner isn’t making it easy for me and even says they won’t be welcome to our house and to our new place abroad and I should respect his feelings but what about mine?!!! How can I go about this? As it keeps making us argue!

OP posts:
WinterDeWinter · 10/12/2023 14:31

Can't you see what he's already achieved?

He's scared you into not confiding in your family, so you will have no-one to tell you he's a bully.

He can do whatever he likes now.

diddl · 10/12/2023 14:33

Your sisters shouldn't have got involved?

But you involved them FFS!

Same issues after 8yrs?

JFC!

WAKE UP!!!!

Original poster
Ashreen · 10/12/2023 14:48

I know it sounds horrific but it’s just a big chain reaction to things I’d started in the first place! He’s not saying the rest of my family can’t be welcome just my two sisters but obviously that doesn’t make it any better!

We knew about this potential job offer back in the summer they just had no idea and when they were upset I hadn’t told them sooner my partner thinks it’s coz they wanted to warn me and wanted to discuss it with me when it’s not really their place. I can understand their worries and concerns he can’t and keeps getting angry at any mention of them. Ps he’s always said I should have external support especially sisters but not when they get involved time and time again and now they have to suffer the consequences.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 10/12/2023 14:51

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 14:48

I know it sounds horrific but it’s just a big chain reaction to things I’d started in the first place! He’s not saying the rest of my family can’t be welcome just my two sisters but obviously that doesn’t make it any better!

We knew about this potential job offer back in the summer they just had no idea and when they were upset I hadn’t told them sooner my partner thinks it’s coz they wanted to warn me and wanted to discuss it with me when it’s not really their place. I can understand their worries and concerns he can’t and keeps getting angry at any mention of them. Ps he’s always said I should have external support especially sisters but not when they get involved time and time again and now they have to suffer the consequences.

OP: 'Lalalalalalalala. I can't hear yoooou!'

You're not listening.

You're going to move abroad (will you have a job) with a man who is not treating you well and is isolating you from your family.

If when it all goes tits-up (and it will) you will probably not be allowed to bring your child back here.

Then what?

DO NOT GO!

reasoningwithstupidity · 10/12/2023 14:52

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 14:48

I know it sounds horrific but it’s just a big chain reaction to things I’d started in the first place! He’s not saying the rest of my family can’t be welcome just my two sisters but obviously that doesn’t make it any better!

We knew about this potential job offer back in the summer they just had no idea and when they were upset I hadn’t told them sooner my partner thinks it’s coz they wanted to warn me and wanted to discuss it with me when it’s not really their place. I can understand their worries and concerns he can’t and keeps getting angry at any mention of them. Ps he’s always said I should have external support especially sisters but not when they get involved time and time again and now they have to suffer the consequences.

The fact he has you blaming yourself... in fact blaming anybody but himself is a huge 🚩 . From everything you have said, I can't see anybody but him in the wrong.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/12/2023 14:56

You will be making the biggest mistake of your life if you move abroad with this man.

You have been forewarned.

diddl · 10/12/2023 15:00

Ps he’s always said I should have external support especially sisters but not when they get involved time and time again and now they have to suffer the consequences.

So he appears to give but in reality doesn't.

Op-what do you need support for?

They are only involved because you are involving them-and why is that?

Because your relationship is so shit that you have to offload?

Pinkdelight3 · 10/12/2023 15:20

he’s always said I should have external support especially sisters but not when they get involved time and time again and now they have to suffer the consequences.

He's always said you should have external support except when you actually need it and when they dare to give it, they have to suffer. WTF am I reading?? Seriously, OP, either you are completely ground down and duped by this guy into siding with him over your sisters and suppressing your better instincts. Or you're equally as toxic as your DH, dragging your sisters into your messy drama and then putting the blame on them. Either way, it's not your sisters who have done anything wrong here. Stop defending your DH and think very carefully about whether moving away with him is the right decision for you. Everyone here can see it's not, so at least take your blinkers off and make a conscious decision instead of being swept along by his manipulative BS.

Pinkbonbon · 10/12/2023 15:21

I hope you're not genuinely thinking of moving with this arsehole.

Your sisters got your back. Listen to her.

FYI you two had a bad relationship and your sister had your back and called him out and you sided...with him!? Wow. Betrayal much.

She would have had no idea what was going on with your relationship in the first place if you hadn't told her!

Sounds like you've pitted them against eachother and blame her for it.

Either that or he's trying to separate you from your family as he's a controlling, abusive shit. Which moving you abroad would tie in with tbf.

I'd have a rethink op. Life's too short.

KissTheRains · 10/12/2023 16:23

Spend some time this evening researching how you would remove your child from the country you're moving to if you had to move home and he said you couldn't take them.

You may find that once you're truly isolated and reliant on him, he changes. By then it'll be too late and you might find you can't leave easily with your child.

It would be INCREDIBLY silly to make this move right now. Let him go, sure, but you stay near family and friends.

Soontobe60 · 10/12/2023 16:39

Do NOT move abroad with this man - he is controlling you, isolating you from your family and it will be far far worse if he then manages to keep you away from them in another country.

Secondguess · 10/12/2023 16:41

Why are you pretending that things aren't that bad, and he's the victim?
Your poor daughter doesn't have a choice here, you do. You're her advocate.

DidiAskYouThough · 10/12/2023 16:46

Can’t keep up with all the drama nonsense but carefully consider if it’s in you and your kids best possible interests to move abroad with your shit boyfriend. Pretty legally/financially precarious. Give your kid a secure home, no crap men, no theatrics and be an excellent example of strength, intellect and feminism to the child.

Ponderingwindow · 10/12/2023 16:49
  1. Your family is allowed to be sad that you are moving. They don’t have to be excited for you.
  2. what are you going to do for money in this new country. Are you allowed to work? Will you be dependent on him entirely. Money=power. Never forget that.
  3. Will you legally be allowed to leave with your child if you decide you don’t like the new location for any reason. For example, if your relationship sours, will you have the right to leave with your child? Would you even have the right to separate in the same country or do you have to stay his dependent? Just how vulnerable does your visa make you?
MRSMTO · 10/12/2023 16:51

Hold on to those sisters OP, because you're going to need them soon.

Zwicky · 10/12/2023 16:51

Every post is worse than the one before. You have two choices - and one of them is a fucking stupid idea so I would choose the, admittedly harder in the short term and more awkward choice. It hard enough being in a shit relationship with a man with more red flags than Mao when you are in your home country and near family and friends. Don’t move abroad with this man.

saraclara · 10/12/2023 16:54

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 13:14

I wanted to leave him because after 8 years we were still having the same issues between us. Feeling like I’d never be good enough, not emotionally there for me and we were just living as roommates. Once we talked we realised we had communication issues and we just needed to be open and honest with each other to not think the worst of each other and resenting. The time my sister’s messaged him was when I was going through and ivf transfer and we stopped talking to each other after an argument and I was broken emotionally physically but I didn’t show him and instead told my sister who then snapped and told him in a message that his behaviour was appalling and he wasn’t being the family man he kept insisting he was and he should be ashamed of himself. Previously when I had gone to my parents after a fight he wanted to come and see me and my dad said he couldn’t and I wasn’t leaving with him and that made him have it out with my parents as he was trying to fix things and my dad had stopped him. When I try and explain my family did what they did out of worry love and care for me he says it’s still wrong and they can’t get involved no matter what. And then after my sisters recent message he said that he’d had enough and it was over for him whereby he’s having nothing to do with them and I have to respect his wishes or I’m not being loyal to him. He’s said a lot of hurtful things to my family and to me about the way we’re brought up and our characters are not nice and he doesn’t want any negative influence in his daughters life.

This is one of the most worrying posts I've seen on mumsnet. Because you're so oblivious to what he's doing. Not only is he distancing you from your family, he has every intent of keeping your family away from your daughter.

I'm one of the last people on this board to jump to my own conclusions and tell anyone to LTB. But this is so badly wrong I'm going to say it.

Please talk to Women's Aid. And please don't walk into his trap by leaving the country with him.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 10/12/2023 17:28

What country are you going to or meant to be going to?
So many red flags here and I for one would not be moving to his country as you will be totally dependent on him and isolated and financially also.

He has put down your character, your family's, has tried to have it out with your father and family who were only protecting you when you went to them in need, and your sisters had your back and can see how controlling and unemotionally available he is towards you when you needed him the most, as you also told your sisters.

Do you honestly think that things will be all rosy in a new country, he will be able to come and go as he pleases and you will have no-body and then how can you leave if things turn terrible.
Stay where you are and live the best life you can for your child and put them first as this relationship sounds awful and will only get worse in the new country wherever that is.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 10/12/2023 17:31

Also watch Not Without My Daughter if you are going to a country where women do not have rights and the man will really change once he is influenced by his own country and family and you will either have to stay and lost who you are as a person or leave without your child. Very troubling what you have said and yet you cannot see it.

Go and talk to your sisters and family calmly, remember you were the one who went to them in the first place and they were just having your back.

Zwicky · 10/12/2023 17:48

Also watch Not Without My Daughter

Yes. Do this. But remember you don't have to live in a country where women have no rights to lose your child. Some countries are obviously worse than others but my friend lost her ds in America, I have another friend who is stuck in France, 4 years into a divorce she can’t get over the line, and there was a post on here just this week about an (adult) child going to his dads in Spain vs his mum in the UK for Christmas. That child was living in Spain and only returned to the UK easily because his dad gave permission. Do you think your DP, who won’t even give permission for his child to see gps, will give permission for her to leave the country?
If you go to the Far East, Australia or New Zealand then phoning and FaceTime is really hard (from the uk) with the time difference. Most people just cope but when you are already being isolated from your family then it’s a consideration. Not being able to stash enough money for the whole journey is also a consideration. Can you work in the new county? Will you have your own bank account?

cansu · 10/12/2023 17:49

He sounds like a controlling abusive man. You seem determined to abide by his narrative that they have interfered and must follow his rules if they are to have contact with you. It is a huge mistake to go abroad with this man.

dressedforcomfort · 10/12/2023 17:52

Please OP 🙏, listen to what everyone is saying.

This type of behaviour is not normal or OK. This man is not being reasonable. He's controlling and abusive and trying to separate you from your family. Please please please speak to Women's Aid and do not leave the U.K.

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 10/12/2023 17:52

Thank you Zwicky yes have read stories about women stuck in the country they moved to when the marriage broke down and they are very isolated and cannot return home.

Fivepigeons · 10/12/2023 17:59

I'm not going to go so far as to call the man abusive with so little information about the scenario... I do understand he may be hurt by your sisters interference and as we do not know from the information given whether their interference was merited, it may well be the case they overstepped the mark... so he may have a right to dislike them himself... but he has absolutely no right to be 'angry' at you or expect you to start putting them down. You stuck up for him so you did your part there... he has no further right to dictate your relationship with your sisters. Equally they do not have a right to dictate your relationship with him.
I think you need to assert tronger boundaries with all of these people actually. They are being quite invasive with you. You dont need to be the one who mediates. They are all acting like you are responsible for any of their bad reactions.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 18:02

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 14:48

I know it sounds horrific but it’s just a big chain reaction to things I’d started in the first place! He’s not saying the rest of my family can’t be welcome just my two sisters but obviously that doesn’t make it any better!

We knew about this potential job offer back in the summer they just had no idea and when they were upset I hadn’t told them sooner my partner thinks it’s coz they wanted to warn me and wanted to discuss it with me when it’s not really their place. I can understand their worries and concerns he can’t and keeps getting angry at any mention of them. Ps he’s always said I should have external support especially sisters but not when they get involved time and time again and now they have to suffer the consequences.

And what happens when you tell him he has no right to act in an angry manner over someone else’s reaction and someone else’s feelings. He has no right to be angry with you or anyone else.

Did he apologise to your family for the things he said?

Did this job offer miraculously turn up before or after these incidents? Someone just offered him a job abroad? Out of the blue?

TBH, it’s like banging your head against a brick wall. You won’t see it until you want to see it. By then it might be too late and you will definitely be stuck.

Swipe left for the next trending thread