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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner angry at sisters reaction to moving abroad!

157 replies

Ashreen · 09/12/2023 23:42

So my partner has been offered a new government job abroad and we’ve just informed all our families. They are all happy and excited for us but sad to see us go and will miss us!

But when I told my sisters they’re reaction was hurt and sadness more than excitement! Our relationship has been strained recently (we are all very close!) but they’ve been clashing with my partner as they’ve interfered in our relationship when I wasn’t happy and they messaged my partner calling him out then my partner retaliated and they weren’t happy I took his side over theirs. Since then I’ve been keeping my distance as I did realise they shouldn’t have got involved and were blaming me and my partner rather than look at what they did wrong as well.

So now after telling them they were upset that I hadn’t told them sooner and felt hurt that if we were as close as we were I would have. But I wanted to tell them after we’d made the decision but anyway they’re coming around to the idea even though I did feel sad and guilty!!

So now my partner has noticed and is angry they’ve reacted like that and said he knew they would and that my sisters are not nice people and he doesn’t want anything to do with them! I tried to explain they are within their rights to feel upset and after everything’s that happened they felt sad to lose me even more with the distance. But I accept that but he won’t and keeps going on about it wanting me to agree with his views of how selfish and entitled they are and I’m just upset as we’ve been trying to mend our relationship and I just want my sisters to be ok and not think they’ve lost me but my partner isn’t making it easy for me and even says they won’t be welcome to our house and to our new place abroad and I should respect his feelings but what about mine?!!! How can I go about this? As it keeps making us argue!

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 10/12/2023 13:20

he also wanted me to confront my sisters in their wrong doings rather than blame myself for over sharing. So I did but again he still wasn’t happy with their response as in them saying they were just sticking up for me and they got abuse from him and I let him.

Your sisters were right. How come your DH acts like a prick and it's either your sisters' fault or your fault and he is the injured party?? Come on, OP, open your eyes. Your family are on your side and your arsehole DH is cutting you off from them with his so-called boundaries. You'd be mad to go from the brink of leaving him to going to live abroad with him and alienating your supportive family.

Lifeasiknowitisout · 10/12/2023 13:20

Ashreen · 10/12/2023 13:14

I wanted to leave him because after 8 years we were still having the same issues between us. Feeling like I’d never be good enough, not emotionally there for me and we were just living as roommates. Once we talked we realised we had communication issues and we just needed to be open and honest with each other to not think the worst of each other and resenting. The time my sister’s messaged him was when I was going through and ivf transfer and we stopped talking to each other after an argument and I was broken emotionally physically but I didn’t show him and instead told my sister who then snapped and told him in a message that his behaviour was appalling and he wasn’t being the family man he kept insisting he was and he should be ashamed of himself. Previously when I had gone to my parents after a fight he wanted to come and see me and my dad said he couldn’t and I wasn’t leaving with him and that made him have it out with my parents as he was trying to fix things and my dad had stopped him. When I try and explain my family did what they did out of worry love and care for me he says it’s still wrong and they can’t get involved no matter what. And then after my sisters recent message he said that he’d had enough and it was over for him whereby he’s having nothing to do with them and I have to respect his wishes or I’m not being loyal to him. He’s said a lot of hurtful things to my family and to me about the way we’re brought up and our characters are not nice and he doesn’t want any negative influence in his daughters life.

So did you force him to apologise for the awful things he said?

Your dad doesn’t have to have him at their home. Your dad didn’t need to facilitate this.

Your sister saw you broken and told him he needed to step up. So he has made sure you don’t turn to her again.

You haven’t fixed your problems. He just gets angry m, tells you what he wants, you comply, everyone complies and he moves the goals posts. He wants more from you m. Anything that will create more distance. And now he is creating the physical distance.

How did this job offer come about? Someone just offered him the gave to move abroad, just at the time he is forcing you to create more distance between you and your family?

If your family had been all happy and supportive (even if they were sad) he would be telling you that it’s proof they are awful people and don’t care about you or your child. You and them can’t win.

I actually hope this isn’t real. Moving abroad with him would be extremely dangerous for you and your child.

RantyAnty · 10/12/2023 13:24

If he wants to move let him.

Some time away from him you'll realize how controlling and abusive he is.

Mariposista · 10/12/2023 13:24

Good heavens OP. Listen to these ladies and your family. Do not leave the country!!!

whats the betting she will though. Sigh

RealBigBarbie · 10/12/2023 13:27

Fucking hell. The first two paragraphs in the OP were enough but reading all your other posts? Absolute madness

GreyBlackLove · 10/12/2023 13:30

Fucking hell, this man is awful. At any point did he apologise to you? If he didn't behave poorly you'd have nothing to "overshare". I bet not.

Moving with this man would be a huge mistake. Your family are right to feel sad, its hard to watch a family member mistreated and have no way to help then.

Pinkdelight3 · 10/12/2023 13:31

I’ve been keeping my distance as I did realise they shouldn’t have got involved and were blaming me and my partner rather than look at what they did wrong as well

This is so fucked up. He's totally brainwashing you if you genuinely think that. Your sisters do not to look at what they did wrong. They've been looking out for you, when you went to them in distress. Of course he hates them and wants them out of your life. You're mad if you buy his shit and isolate yourself.

AllAroundMyCat · 10/12/2023 13:35

Oh OP, can you really not see what he's doing to you?

Please call WomensAid and tell them what you've told us here.

DianaTiana · 10/12/2023 13:39

Be very careful OP. If you move abroad with your DD you could well end up losing her if you split.

Dotcheck · 10/12/2023 13:43

Gosh OP.
So now, instead of him working on his own behaviour, he is deflecting by saying your family is all wrong.

This really is worrying.

What have you given up for this man? What more does he want you to give up?

And in return you are stuck in a troubled relationship.

Getting back to your original post, do you really not see why your sisters are sad you are moving? I’m sure they will miss you and their niece, but they recognise how utterly trapped and without resources you will be.

JassyRadlett · 10/12/2023 13:44

Do not do not DO NOT move abroad with your child with this man, particularly if you are reliant on him for a visa or right to stay in the new country.

You're being set up to either never be able to return home, or to have him take your daughter from you.

thelonemommabear · 10/12/2023 13:47

So you involved your family - parents and siblings by telling them about arguments you'd been having and that you were leaving him as well as going to stay at their house when you "left him" but when they stand up for you all of a sudden your loyalty lies with him? WTAF

This is why the saying don't air dirty linen in public exists - if you aren't prepared to follow through and leave him - and instead want to leave the country with him! Then don't divulge arguments in your relationship in future.

Your family stood up for you and you've shit all over them in return

KissTheRains · 10/12/2023 13:47

Side with family over partners if your partner is over critical of those family members.

Your family is always your family, unless you have any reason to think they don't have your best interest at heart.

wellwellso · 10/12/2023 13:48

is this for real??? op, you need a chaperon. i am surprised your family hasn't stopped you from moving abroad with him. they would be right to.

MatureChedda · 10/12/2023 13:48

Your sisters have got your back, op, not this bullying man who is trying to separate you from them.

TheClitterati · 10/12/2023 13:50

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

LTB.

StressedOutSemolina · 10/12/2023 13:50

Two things you should never discuss with anyone. Your relationship and your finances.

Hatty65 · 10/12/2023 13:51

This man is incredibly abusive. DO NOT isolate yourself and your child in a foreign country, away from your family and with him.

Please leave him. Your family will support you. Cut all contact with him. He's an angry abusive man.

MatureChedda · 10/12/2023 13:53

StressedOutSemolina · 10/12/2023 13:50

Two things you should never discuss with anyone. Your relationship and your finances.

Dreadful advice.

thedamnseason · 10/12/2023 13:59

StressedOutSemolina · 10/12/2023 13:50

Two things you should never discuss with anyone. Your relationship and your finances.

Why on earth should people not talk about stuff they need help with?

HowAmYa · 10/12/2023 14:01

Every update from you just confirms that your partner is emotionally abusing you and trying to isolate you from your family.
You went to family for help during a tough time, and he went ape shit at them getting involved when you asked them to...they involved themselves in a way ANY loving family would!

Please wake up and see wat is happening here. No man should EVER dictate your relationship with your family. You will be all alone abroad, who will you run to when things go bad either your partner again? No wonder your family are worried!!

KissTheRains · 10/12/2023 14:24

StressedOutSemolina · 10/12/2023 13:50

Two things you should never discuss with anyone. Your relationship and your finances.

Horrific advice. Absolutely horrendous and dangerous.

I will tell you right now, I'd rather listen to 1000 people share their problems if it helps just 1 than people not talk about their problems, because that helps no one.

EVERYBODY SHOULD DISCUSS THEIR PROBLEMS. It should be a normal part of life.

Not to mention, abuses need sunlight, it is the best disinfectant.

NotDoingOk · 10/12/2023 14:28

Every time you post it sounds worse! Run!

Seriously, a good man who wants the best for his wife would understand that her family also want the best for her, and would talk things through like a grown up.

If you go abroad with him, he's got you isolated in a place where you have no friends or support, and he can treat you however he wants with no consequences.

WinterDeWinter · 10/12/2023 14:29

You really really need to leave this bullying man. He will never change. You will ruin your own life and worse, that of your daughter, who will very likely become the target of his manipulative control as she grows and begins to challenge him.

The likelihood is that she will then put a great deal of distance between herself, the father who emotionally abused her - and the mother who allowed it to happen.

Namerequired · 10/12/2023 14:29

Ok op, you need to wake up now, before you are stranded abroad with this ‘man’. Your family are not the ones in the wrong, neither are you (except in pushing out your family for him). He is not a good one.