Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a red flag? Or am I just looking for red flags everywhere?

115 replies

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 20:04

Hi all,

So joined OLD around a month ago. 31 years old. Signed up to Tinder and hinge.

Agreed to go for a drink with a guy over Xmas, I did notice he put on his hinge profile 'figuring out my dating goals' and he also put 'very happy in my own company, needy may not apply'

He asked me how long I've been single, have I been on many hinge dates etc!

And I pointed out that the comment he made about not wanting needy and figuring out his relationship type sounds like he just wants casual, which is fine but not what I'm looking for so maybe it's best if we don't meet.

Then he said 'oh no I don't do casual either, my ex wife was obsessed with her work, becoming a partner in her firm, we ended up splitting up, he is soft and empathetic and she isn't etc etc,

And then said 'does my profile seriously say that haha, why did you even talk to me then'

And I said because I only noticed it there now, didn't notice it when we matched and started chatting.

He has now taken it down, but hasn't put down if he wants long term or short term etc,

He , messages quite a lot and if I don't message back , he will double message, I thought that was a bit odd for someone who doesn't want 'needy' himself 🤔

Anyway I don't know if I'm overthinking and jaded due to some of my friends experience with OLD and all the stuff I read on Mumsnet and I should meet him over Xmas

OR if I'm actually just being pretty perceptive and spotting a red flag early and should save myself the bother of meeting him

What do you think Mumsnetters?!

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 09/12/2023 20:07

It's not possible to tell if it's a red flag, but he sounds like a potential pita.

I agree with him though - you should have just cancelled and moved on when you saw it. Next!

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 20:09

@SutWytTi - in what way a pain in the ass?

Like a bit of a head f**k?

I know, but I didn't actually notice it until we were already chatting, and he asked me what I was looking for so I mentioned not casual, sounds like he is, so he removed it,

I don't know if I'm just being paranoid though

OP posts:
PlimplePlop · 09/12/2023 20:10

Someone slagging off their ex wife from the very start = a big red flag. I'd swerve this one OP

barbarahunter · 09/12/2023 20:11

I would probably not bother meeting him, I'm not keen on some of the things he's written/said to you.

SutWytTi · 09/12/2023 20:12

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 20:09

@SutWytTi - in what way a pain in the ass?

Like a bit of a head f**k?

I know, but I didn't actually notice it until we were already chatting, and he asked me what I was looking for so I mentioned not casual, sounds like he is, so he removed it,

I don't know if I'm just being paranoid though

Just move on.

You have to be ruthless.

He's already messed with your head enough to make you start a thread. Next!

SutWytTi · 09/12/2023 20:12

PlimplePlop · 09/12/2023 20:10

Someone slagging off their ex wife from the very start = a big red flag. I'd swerve this one OP

Yes that is a clear 🚩

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 20:13

@PlimplePlop - it wasn't as bad as 'oh she's a crazy bitch' but he just made the point that she was work obsessed, he wasn't and is basically 'nicer' haha

OP posts:
SamW98 · 09/12/2023 20:14

The Hinge status wouldn’t bother me as I’ve always had ‘don’t know yet’ on my dating profile. However when they put stuff like needy not apply or no drama - that’s a red flag to me that they want a woman who won’t challenge their twatty behaviour.

If you’re already having doubts before you meet, then write this one off.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 20:15

@barbarahunter - what things are you not keen on that he has said?

Sorry but I'm a long time out of the game and I don't think I can spot bulls**t sometimes, my radar is way off

But at the same time, Mumsnet has made me view men in a very very negative light.

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 09/12/2023 20:15

The thing is he didn't even deny the implications of it. It'd be one thing if he said 'oh I thought that for a while but now I know I'm after a relationship, ' but he didn't. How he's reacting seems immature and not very bright.

Watchkeys · 09/12/2023 20:17

Try seeing things that make you ask 'Is this a red flag?' as a red flag. Your red flags are yours. They are things that make a person unsuitable for a relationship with you. A compatible partner for you won't do anything that you think might be a red flag, so if you're asking the question, it rules them out.

RedToothBrush · 09/12/2023 20:18

He doesn't know what he wants. He's still figuring it out. He is already giving mixed messages and blowing hot and cold.

I don't think there are red flags as such but he'll just muck you about whilst he gets his own act together.

Waste of your time and emotional energy.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 20:18

@porridgeisbae - haha I know, he is a lawyer so he is bright but I agree it sounded not very bright!

But once I asked him about it he was like 'oh yes, I do want a relationship now, first time since my marriage ended that I want one'

OP posts:
barbarahunter · 09/12/2023 20:19

@WitheringTights000 I wasn't keen on the 'needy need not apply' for a start, as if he is laying down the rules and is going to judge you from the start. Then all this business about he is so empathetic or whatever, I often find that when people compliment themselves it's rarely accurate. Then, changing his criteria when you mention it. I just don't think he sounds great, to be honest. But there are some good ones who go to online sites - as many people say, it is a numbers game. I wouldn't give up yet if I were you.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 20:22

@barbarahunter - yea I just don't get why he has changed it now that I mentioned it?! I mean why put it up in the first place,

And the 'ohhh did I really write that?!' How can he not know what he has written,

Unless he wrote it whilst inebriated is always a possibility haha

OP posts:
SutWytTi · 09/12/2023 20:25

What is worth asking yourself is why you're wasting this time and energy here on this person?

Just move on as soon as you get the ick. @Watchkeys is right.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 20:25

@SutWytTi - yes that's fair! I guess I'm just trying today decide whether to go on a date with him or not!

I'm wondering whether others experiences have made me too jaded and too harsh!

OP posts:
uuughhhshsh · 09/12/2023 20:26

His comments about his ex being “obsessed with work” are the biggest red flag for me. This comes across as extremely controlling, he basically doesn’t want a woman to have ambitions outside of the relationship and would expect you to put him first all of the time.

SequentialAnalyst · 09/12/2023 20:27

This sort of bloke will call any behaviour he doesn't like from the woman he is dating "needy," and will feel perfectly happy to end it for this "reason," because after all "it's not like I didn't give fair warning in my profile."

Peablockfeathers · 09/12/2023 20:30

So he doesn't want 'needy' but also he was moaning about his work obsessed ex? What does he want? I dunno I don't think not having stuff about what you're looking for is necessarily a red flag, plenty of people have something to lure more people in even if its not true anyway; but some of the other things you've said he mentoned sounds tedious.

Olika · 09/12/2023 20:33

His double messaging is just too much. I would move on.

Epidote · 09/12/2023 20:45

OP, The kind of people that said/write one think and they after said/ write other different are far too much hard work.
Don't double read what he said/ wrote. He is one of those.

AnneKipankitoo · 09/12/2023 20:47

Just no. I think I read a couple of lines but just tell him NO. Or just ghost .Your choice.

paisley256 · 09/12/2023 20:49

I don't think he has been clear about his relationship goals in the past maybe, which has led to questions about what he's looking for, which he's then interpreted as 'needy'.

He's doing it now with the 'Oh did I really put that?'

Sounds like he might move the goal posts alot depending on how he feels at the time and if you don't fall in with it then you'll also be 'needy'.

I'm sure someone else could put it better than I have but that was my initial impression - I could be wrong tho.

Don't like his comments about his ex either.

MidnightMeltdown · 09/12/2023 20:57

If you want a proper relationship, never ever match with a man who is 'figuring out their dating goals'. WTF does that mean?! He's not 15.

If he really wanted a proper relationship, then he would have said that in the first place. Don't put up with these bullshitters

Next!