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Original poster

Is this a red flag? Or am I just looking for red flags everywhere?

115 replies

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 20:04

Hi all,

So joined OLD around a month ago. 31 years old. Signed up to Tinder and hinge.

Agreed to go for a drink with a guy over Xmas, I did notice he put on his hinge profile 'figuring out my dating goals' and he also put 'very happy in my own company, needy may not apply'

He asked me how long I've been single, have I been on many hinge dates etc!

And I pointed out that the comment he made about not wanting needy and figuring out his relationship type sounds like he just wants casual, which is fine but not what I'm looking for so maybe it's best if we don't meet.

Then he said 'oh no I don't do casual either, my ex wife was obsessed with her work, becoming a partner in her firm, we ended up splitting up, he is soft and empathetic and she isn't etc etc,

And then said 'does my profile seriously say that haha, why did you even talk to me then'

And I said because I only noticed it there now, didn't notice it when we matched and started chatting.

He has now taken it down, but hasn't put down if he wants long term or short term etc,

He , messages quite a lot and if I don't message back , he will double message, I thought that was a bit odd for someone who doesn't want 'needy' himself 🤔

Anyway I don't know if I'm overthinking and jaded due to some of my friends experience with OLD and all the stuff I read on Mumsnet and I should meet him over Xmas

OR if I'm actually just being pretty perceptive and spotting a red flag early and should save myself the bother of meeting him

What do you think Mumsnetters?!

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Ilovelurchers · 10/12/2023 08:44

I honestly think the easiest solution to this dilemma is to meet him - unless your time for dating is extremely limited due to extreme childcare constraints or something, you have very little to lose apart from an hour or two of your time.

He has piqued your interest enough to start a thread about him on here. Surely it is worth meeting up just to see whether your instincts are correct. Meeting him for a drink is not a commitment to marry him. Indeed, by far the most likely outcome is that after you meet, one or both of you will feel there is no chemistry anyway ( because we don't tend to have chemistry with that many people - or most people don't).

A few people get lucky dating but most people have to go on quite a few first dates before meeting people they click with. Therefore I think it's best not to message for ages first, and over-analyse those messages. Waste of time and headspace.

Meet him and IF you like and fancy him, and he likes and fancies you, THEN it is worth spending some time worrying about if he really is who he says he is, whether he wants the same stuff as you etc etc.

Do you see what I mean? I am not trying to dismiss your worries - dating is nerve wracking, and yes some caution is good. But you are worrying about the intentions and genuineess of a man you might find hideous in the flesh, or who might find you hideous! (I am sure neither of you are hideous, but we don't fancy everyone we meet).

Chill out, go for a safe drink in a public place, then decide whether to pursue it.

RedHelenB · 10/12/2023 08:51

If your profile is you on a boat in a bikini why are you surprised at the sort of blokes you are attracting?

Dotty87 · 10/12/2023 10:30

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:53

@Dotty87 - oh so you think he just wants a shag? Great another one like that 😡😡

He's manipulating you for some reason, that's the obvious one. The lying and negative comments would be enough to put me off meeting, don't worry that you've already said you want to meet you're allowed to change your mind. Just block him if he reacts badly and move on, before he has your number.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/12/2023 11:18

But at the same time, Mumsnet has made me view men in a very very negative light

its funny you say that
I’m a single mum , wfh and I havnt been going out loads so I do spend way too much time on my phone

but I’ve also realised this page is doing me no good , not at all

esp as I’m not dating !!!

btw I also have ‘figuring out my dating goals ‘ On my frozen profile

it’s the truth !

Olika · 10/12/2023 11:24

It shouldn't be this difficult. Don't waste your time on men that you need to try to understand and this and that.

RantyAnty · 10/12/2023 13:03

Ilovelurchers · 10/12/2023 08:44

I honestly think the easiest solution to this dilemma is to meet him - unless your time for dating is extremely limited due to extreme childcare constraints or something, you have very little to lose apart from an hour or two of your time.

He has piqued your interest enough to start a thread about him on here. Surely it is worth meeting up just to see whether your instincts are correct. Meeting him for a drink is not a commitment to marry him. Indeed, by far the most likely outcome is that after you meet, one or both of you will feel there is no chemistry anyway ( because we don't tend to have chemistry with that many people - or most people don't).

A few people get lucky dating but most people have to go on quite a few first dates before meeting people they click with. Therefore I think it's best not to message for ages first, and over-analyse those messages. Waste of time and headspace.

Meet him and IF you like and fancy him, and he likes and fancies you, THEN it is worth spending some time worrying about if he really is who he says he is, whether he wants the same stuff as you etc etc.

Do you see what I mean? I am not trying to dismiss your worries - dating is nerve wracking, and yes some caution is good. But you are worrying about the intentions and genuineess of a man you might find hideous in the flesh, or who might find you hideous! (I am sure neither of you are hideous, but we don't fancy everyone we meet).

Chill out, go for a safe drink in a public place, then decide whether to pursue it.

I would normally agree with this but she may have already built some type of false familiarity and version of him by chatting with him for so long in advance of meeting him. So if she finds his looks to be great in person, one might be tempted to go along with his lying version of himself he's presented in advance.
Online men already know how to play the long game of chat shit she wants to hear get laid.

Hibernatalie · 10/12/2023 13:08

For me the red flag is decribing his ex wife as work obsessed as for me that reads that he is intimidated by successful women which in turn reads chauvinist.

The other stuff is meh, but in a huge pool of men why bother.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 10/12/2023 14:00

@RedHelenB - maybe read the full thread before making a snide comment,

My bikini photo is NOT on my dating app, it is my what's app photo, my privacy settings on WhatsApp are set so that only contacts (female friends and female relatives) can see my what's app photo, or my 'last seen or 'online' ....when he messaged me I saved him as a contact then realised he could see it, so changed my photo rather swiftly.

OP posts:
movingon47 · 10/12/2023 14:40

I agree, my recent ex slagged his ex off, his early 20's kids slagged her off once I'd asked him not to slag her off, as I remember her and liked her!

2 weeks ago I got my Clares Law. she's the only woman out of all his women from the past, not only to report domestic abuse, he battered her and she took him all the way and he was found guilty of battering her.

If you're getting red flags, believe them, I was over and over again and ignoring, now I am having to heal!

Goodluck

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 10/12/2023 14:45

@movingon47 - omg that's horrifying! So you only found that out after you split from him?

I am glad you are safe and away from him x

OP posts:
movingon47 · 10/12/2023 15:24

I had heard gossip locally over the years, but one doesn't listen really to gossip. I kicked him out on Saturday, knowing that something had come up and that he had been untruthful about a lot.

I had my disclosure 2 days later on the Monday morning, I had been having police support for about 5 weeks and DA support worker for about 2 months.

movingon47 · 10/12/2023 15:26

He''s considered a Danger to women within a relationship

porridgeisbae · 10/12/2023 15:49

@WitheringTights000 If he's not thick, that's even worse in a way. This could be an uneducated/unintelligent guy's best effort. But for a bright guy, a lot of this shows a distinct lack of effort/caring about the outcome.

SamW98 · 10/12/2023 15:58

The last guy I dated slagged off his exes - his ex wife was an alcoholic according to him and his partner of 7 years cheated. He was convincing and I actually was naive (after coming out of a long marriage) and I felt sorry for him.

He also told me about a couple of short term relationships he’d had before meeting me with women I knew by right but had never spoken to.

Funny I now know those women and get on well with both. They tell a VERY different story 🤣

Hes now with a friend of friends and I’ve heard through grapevine that he’s told her same sort of stuff about me causing all our problems. She’ll learn the hard way

Watchkeys · 11/12/2023 20:16

WitheringTights000 · 10/12/2023 00:38

Bumping for the very early morning crowd. Why am I attracting these turds?

Most people you meet, in real life or online, won't be the person you end up spending the rest of your life with. Because that's only one person. So, all you have to do is keep an eye open, ditch people the second they don't blow your socks off, and wait. But the ditching people part is absolutely paramount, and do it with as little fuss as possible, unless you enjoy fuss. So, questioning yourself about why you attract turds... do you love doing that? If so, why?! And if not, why are you spending any amount of your time choosing to do something you don't enjoy?

The person you will love will be someone you think is utterly lovely, from the first minute you meet them. Anybody else, you walk away from, and tell them you're not feeling it. You don't have to criticise them, or wonder what went wrong, or wonder if something is wrong with you. And doing any of those things isn't going to magically make the right person appear before you: they just waste your time.

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