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Original poster

Is this a red flag? Or am I just looking for red flags everywhere?

115 replies

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 20:04

Hi all,

So joined OLD around a month ago. 31 years old. Signed up to Tinder and hinge.

Agreed to go for a drink with a guy over Xmas, I did notice he put on his hinge profile 'figuring out my dating goals' and he also put 'very happy in my own company, needy may not apply'

He asked me how long I've been single, have I been on many hinge dates etc!

And I pointed out that the comment he made about not wanting needy and figuring out his relationship type sounds like he just wants casual, which is fine but not what I'm looking for so maybe it's best if we don't meet.

Then he said 'oh no I don't do casual either, my ex wife was obsessed with her work, becoming a partner in her firm, we ended up splitting up, he is soft and empathetic and she isn't etc etc,

And then said 'does my profile seriously say that haha, why did you even talk to me then'

And I said because I only noticed it there now, didn't notice it when we matched and started chatting.

He has now taken it down, but hasn't put down if he wants long term or short term etc,

He , messages quite a lot and if I don't message back , he will double message, I thought that was a bit odd for someone who doesn't want 'needy' himself 🤔

Anyway I don't know if I'm overthinking and jaded due to some of my friends experience with OLD and all the stuff I read on Mumsnet and I should meet him over Xmas

OR if I'm actually just being pretty perceptive and spotting a red flag early and should save myself the bother of meeting him

What do you think Mumsnetters?!

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Dotty87 · 09/12/2023 21:50

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 20:22

@barbarahunter - yea I just don't get why he has changed it now that I mentioned it?! I mean why put it up in the first place,

And the 'ohhh did I really write that?!' How can he not know what he has written,

Unless he wrote it whilst inebriated is always a possibility haha

Because he wants to sleep with you, he'll say whatever he thinks you want to hear to make that happen. Honestly he sounds like an arse, I wouldn't bother.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:53

@Dotty87 - oh so you think he just wants a shag? Great another one like that 😡😡

OP posts:
kernowpicklepie · 09/12/2023 21:55

I would serve and move on. You don't owe him an explanation, you could block and forget about him.
If you feel you owe him an explanation then just say that you're not feeling it/interested anymore and that's it. You don't need to justify why you don't want to see him, he'll only try and convince you to go anyway.

From everything you've written about him it gives me a bad vibe and like a PP said, he's saying whatever you want until he's got what he wants and then he'll change. Men like him love the chase, the thrill and then they change when they've got it

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 22:04

@kernowpicklepie - yes I might just tell him my reason why! It's weird like once I mentioned it he started being really, really keen! Doesn't tie in with what he originally put in with his profile which is odd!

Even though he did have 'don't want needy' he always had 'wants children' on his profile which made me think if he does want kids then he maybe did always want a relationship but just too shy to put in on his profile?

Arghh I don't know, perhaps I'm clasping at straws!

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 09/12/2023 22:05

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:53

@Dotty87 - oh so you think he just wants a shag? Great another one like that 😡😡

Of course he does.

All of them on there do.

GreigeO · 09/12/2023 22:11

Too shy to put it on his profile? 😂

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 22:14

@RantyAnty - my cousin Met his gf on hinge so I am hoping there are some out there who don't just 'want a shag'

OP posts:
Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 22:14

@GreigeO - yes I know, I really am clasping at straws saying he is maybe too shy to put that he wants a relationship on his profile 😂😂😂

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 09/12/2023 22:15

He's already messed with your head enough to make you start a thread. Next!

this is a very fair comment

porridgeisbae · 09/12/2023 22:17

His comment implies he just wants a shag and his lack of effort does too. I mean, he says hi or whatever a lot really but nothing complicated that'd require thought- or not that you've shared so far.

There are some ok ones on the apps, we all know people who've met a partner through them.

He's not one of the ok ones, though.

Missingmyusername · 09/12/2023 22:18

Sounds like hard work already…

OhComeOnFFS · 09/12/2023 22:20

His ex liked to work hard and he didn't. She didn't want a child and he did. I would love to hear her point of view on this. Why would she want a baby with someone who didn't want to work hard?

He's changed his profile because he's trying to say what you want to hear. You're onto him now, though. I think he's after a shag and if the woman tries to contact him afterwards he'll call her needy and ignore her.

ButterCupPie · 09/12/2023 22:24

I must have been out of the dating lark longer than I realised, as I don't know what a 'hinge date' is.

However, I think you have been very perceptive, and have (correctly) worked out that he is what I call a 'tosser' (do people still say that these days?).

Opentooffers · 09/12/2023 22:29

I think he's still mixed up and confused since his marriage ended - have you asked him how long ago that was, and how long they were together.
Tbh, "I wasn't sure, but you are the first one I'm ready for a relationship with", sounds like BS. He's not been honest on his bio, given how he texts, he's the needy one. OK, you don't say you're needy even if you are, but claiming to want the opposite of what you are, is madness. I'd say he's a bit of a mess.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 22:35

@Missingmyusername - yes I agree on the hard work front hahahaha

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 09/12/2023 22:36

@WitheringTights000 I also knew one that claimed to be a lawyer but my one blatantly wasn't. I confronted him (this was all on Bumble) and he said 'I work in law, what does it matter?' (probably with more typos and worse grammar.) I honestly think he was actually unemployed, due to issues. He maybe worked in a law office once as work experience or something.

Take everything they say with a 1kg bag of salt.

porridgeisbae · 09/12/2023 22:37

The amount of fake degrees on the apps is really annoying. I can usually see through it, too, if I'm chatting to one.

kernowpicklepie · 09/12/2023 22:37

There are good ones out there, I met DH on Tinder.
You've already got a bad feeling so definitely trust your gut and find someone else

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 22:38

@porridgeisbae - I found him on LinkedIn and his company website. I am a financial services recruiter, used to do legal recruitment so it honestly takes me 30 seconds to find someone on LinkedIn once I have a few details. It is a good way to verify people from dating apps I must say!

OP posts:
Circumferences · 09/12/2023 22:40

You are investing Waay too much headspace for an OLD experience at your 31 years old.

Here's the thing.
Blokes go onto online dating to get a shag.
That's it.

What happens next is that you meet up, you chit chat, you see if you click, you decide if you want to shag or not, obviously don't give it up too soon that's tacky, you'll meet up a few times before dtd, then after that- go from there.

The messaging and profile description stuff is really just background noise. You need to meet in person.

For the love of God don't start up with "I'm looking for a romantic LTR" in your first message you'll never get anywhere.

samestyle · 09/12/2023 22:48

I would just avoid profiles that weren't sure of what they are looking for and anything negative. He doesn't want needy so he's not likely to be a potential kind and supportive partner, just move on.

Nicole1111 · 09/12/2023 22:48

He likely joined the dating app a while ago, when he was in a different head space (possibly not that long after separating from his ex), wrote that but now is in a different space. If he’s consistently shown interest and said he’s looking for something serious then why not give him a chance. If he is looking for a shag and that’s not easily available he would soon get bored, and if he’s not looking for commitment that will likely be apparent in a lack of effort so you can bin him if needs be.

Confusedandhurt9 · 09/12/2023 23:04

I think you’re dating my ex husband.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 23:06

@Confusedandhurt9 - lol I'm in N.I, are you?

OP posts:
Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 23:08

@Circumferences - so no red flags so far then in what I've said? As in it's normal to just want sex and then see if the relationship develops? I just don't want to get hurt or feel used

OP posts: