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Original poster

Is this a red flag? Or am I just looking for red flags everywhere?

115 replies

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 20:04

Hi all,

So joined OLD around a month ago. 31 years old. Signed up to Tinder and hinge.

Agreed to go for a drink with a guy over Xmas, I did notice he put on his hinge profile 'figuring out my dating goals' and he also put 'very happy in my own company, needy may not apply'

He asked me how long I've been single, have I been on many hinge dates etc!

And I pointed out that the comment he made about not wanting needy and figuring out his relationship type sounds like he just wants casual, which is fine but not what I'm looking for so maybe it's best if we don't meet.

Then he said 'oh no I don't do casual either, my ex wife was obsessed with her work, becoming a partner in her firm, we ended up splitting up, he is soft and empathetic and she isn't etc etc,

And then said 'does my profile seriously say that haha, why did you even talk to me then'

And I said because I only noticed it there now, didn't notice it when we matched and started chatting.

He has now taken it down, but hasn't put down if he wants long term or short term etc,

He , messages quite a lot and if I don't message back , he will double message, I thought that was a bit odd for someone who doesn't want 'needy' himself 🤔

Anyway I don't know if I'm overthinking and jaded due to some of my friends experience with OLD and all the stuff I read on Mumsnet and I should meet him over Xmas

OR if I'm actually just being pretty perceptive and spotting a red flag early and should save myself the bother of meeting him

What do you think Mumsnetters?!

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
sprigatito · 09/12/2023 23:09

I think he's quite happy to say whatever he needs to to get into your pants, and he's not even bothering to hide it very well. He sounds like a fucking reptile OP, throw his slimy ass back.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 23:14

@sprigatito - oh gosh this is so bloody frustrating!

Why why do they behave like this?!

OP posts:
Allthewallsarewhite · 09/12/2023 23:19

He gives off gaslighter vibes. Somehow these types always end up using the same phrases it seems.
At the moment he's just going to say whatever he thinks you want to hear to reel you in. And then when you actually start to warm to him he will cool off and suddenly not message for a while making you think what's wrong until he suddenly pops back up. He probably does just want a shag and will probably see how much he can get out of you whilst putting zero to no effort in himself. Whilst continuing to message other women as well.

Also, don't feel bad for him. My experience with OLD taught me that you have to be absolutely ruthless to find a decent guy on these apps. Don't feel bad about it. You're not on there to please anyone (you don't even know them) and have to protect your boundaries.

Anyone you are not really feeling or that is giving off confusing or bad vibes, just write them off.
Someone who is genuinely interested in you personally and after the same thing as you, will be straightforward about exactly what it is they want from the get go, come across genuine in the way they converse, have something interesting to say, and not give any mixed signals. There is literally no point in "giving them a chance" and wasting your time on anyone on there that you are either not sure about whether you actually even like them yourself or those that give off red flags as they will literally turn out to be a waste of time and somehow your gut is right 98% of the time. Just my limited experience.
Think about what you're like when you have a genuine interest in someone and expect the same from him. If you set the bar low you'll allow those that will use you or gaslight you in and give them a free pass.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 23:38

@Allthewallsarewhite - I just don't get some of these guys. I swear things weren't as bad 10 years ago.

There is another guy who I have been talking to a while and we had said we would meet up over Xmas. (tinder)

I gave him my number, he what's apped me and said hi and said 'would you like to have a little fun with me sometime'

I said what do you mean by that? I hope you don't mean 'rude fun' and he said

'I'm still trying to figure out what you are looking for'

And then he said 'you can't be all innocent with a profile photo like that, ( you look amazing btw, if you've got it flaunt it'

My WhatsApp profile pic is just be on a boat on holiday in my bikini....how scandalous!

And 'are you telling me you are innocent then?'

And then I said I don't do casual and I think that's want he is gearing towards!

And he said no he isn't looking for casual, wants to date someone he is attracted to and then maybe have some 'rude fun' along the way if things go that way'

Great. Thats another one I have to now cancel my date with isn't it?

What's wrong with them?? I mean that's deffo someone up for casual isn't it?

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 09/12/2023 23:59

When guys asked me what I was looking for I always used to say “nothing too serious, just a husband, someone to have kids with and an excuse to get another dog”. I found that pretty effective at scaring off the ones who were looking for casual.

SamW98 · 10/12/2023 00:04

Fun is OLD speak for no strings attached sex.

Im upfront from start about not wanting casual sex. Though it doesn’t stop a few of them pretending they’re happy to go slow but they always give themselves away. As soon as they turn every chat to sex, I’m gone. I don’t mind a bit of flirty banter but we’ve all got our boundaries.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 10/12/2023 00:19

@SamW98 - this other guy he says doesn't want casual wants to date etc but kept making remarks on my bikini photo (big deal it's on my what's app photo) and kept asking if I'm innocent but apparently 'wants to date'

Ffs

OP posts:
Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 10/12/2023 00:38

Bumping for the very early morning crowd. Why am I attracting these turds?

OP posts:
ButterCupPie · 10/12/2023 00:50

Circumferences · 09/12/2023 22:40

You are investing Waay too much headspace for an OLD experience at your 31 years old.

Here's the thing.
Blokes go onto online dating to get a shag.
That's it.

What happens next is that you meet up, you chit chat, you see if you click, you decide if you want to shag or not, obviously don't give it up too soon that's tacky, you'll meet up a few times before dtd, then after that- go from there.

The messaging and profile description stuff is really just background noise. You need to meet in person.

For the love of God don't start up with "I'm looking for a romantic LTR" in your first message you'll never get anywhere.

@Circumferences

"Here's the thing.
Blokes go onto online dating to get a shag.
That's it."

Exactly.

PimmingSwools · 10/12/2023 00:59

He's sending you a lot of mixed messages and has got you confused and wrong footed before you've even met. Is that the kind of guy that you think would make you happy and secure?

spookehtooth · 10/12/2023 01:03

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:15

@SamW98 -yea but the fact that the women have to message first, does that not encourage lazy men who are not really fussed?!

It's funny you phrase it like that. What I like about bumble is that women comfortable doing so are more likely to be the sort that I like.

Not because I'm lazy, it's a single message not an award winning poem, but because that one action runs counter to stereotypes & gendered expectations & seems connected to character traits I find appealing. It's possible to message first and not drop any of your standards wrt behaviour & character 🙃😉

RantyAnty · 10/12/2023 01:30

FFS take the photo of you in a bikini off your profile. You're going to attract every twat looking for a shag doing that.

Wear something classy. If you don't know, ask over in style and people will help you out.

Maybe that book the rules might help you out.

You really can't chat and chat forever(weeks/months) with a guy before meeting. You have to weed them out quickly or it'll take you forever to find someone decent.

The 2 you're already speaking to are no go and need to be blocked. Maybe you can't see it but we can see it clearly.

Assume everything the guy posts and says is a lie because it usually is.

Don't tell a huge story in your profile. It'll give predators information on how to manipulate you. You love x place, he'll be oh wow that's my fav place too mirroring you to build familiarity.

If someone seems worth meeting chat a little bit, facetime them once so you can see if they really look like their photo and if they live in a shit tip.

Then meet somewhere in public for a short date of coffee.

If they aren't willing to do that, then delete and block them.

Get a burner number so you won't have weirdos and stalkers pestering you.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 10/12/2023 01:33

@RantyAnty - no no, the bikini photo is on my WhatsApp, not my dating profile, I know not to put stuff like that on my dating profile!

OP posts:
coxesorangepippin · 10/12/2023 02:29

More hard work than what he's worth, clearly

DarkDuvet · 10/12/2023 02:53

I wouldn’t date anyone who used the “needy need not apply” phrase.

I also wouldn’t set up a date for weeks away as it’s easy to get too invested.

I wouldn’t have a bikini photo as my WhatsApp profile.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 10/12/2023 03:21

@DarkDuvet - I only talk to friends (female) and relatives on WhatsApp. My privacy settings are set so only my contacts can see my photo

I don't usually give out my number but I have it to him, he whatsapped me , I saved his number, and therefore he saw it.

Once I realised I changed it back to a rather boring one of myself and my dog lol

OP posts:
Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 10/12/2023 03:21

*gave it

OP posts:
Monikalove · 10/12/2023 03:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Spam post.

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 06:00

There are plenty of men out there. Here's my dating rule: If I'm having to question things like this, it rules them out. It shouldn't be stressful. As someone else said, this is in itself, a red flag.

Please don't waste time worrying about stuff like this. I know, because I've done it; I like to figure people out; I fear missing out; I don't want to turn down a guy who's interested, etc, etc.

Let me tell you...I've done lots of OLD and dating over the years, and anytime I had a question mark over something - anything - it didn't go well in the end. It's actually better to be more fussy. Even one bad date can have a negative effect on me. Move on :-)

BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 10/12/2023 06:10

I would not meet him as look at the anguish it has caused you already. He sounds like he will be needy and then back off when you show interest. It has caused you to write this and if you are deciding to meet someone should not be this much hassle and cause you to be questioning it. It should be easy and relaxed but it is up to you but if you get that feeling which you have then that in itself has made you question about meeting him then go with your gut feeling. He is not the only man out there so keep seeing who else you can meet.

DoubleTime · 10/12/2023 06:31

I didn't like the sound of 'needy may not apply' on his profile, and no wonder you feel a bit confused when he said he split with his wife because she was ambitious, independent and definitely not needy.
You say he quizzed you on your OLD history, but did he ask about you, your interests , your likes/dislikes ?

Milliemoos5 · 10/12/2023 06:36

Is he a 100% a lawyer though? There are a HUGE amount of fakes on OLD and I can tell you they all say they are either lawyers, surgeons or bankers so just be careful there, do some googling of his name etc

is he verified on the app? That helps a little to ensure at least the photo is real (although there are easy ways to bypass that too)

Milliemoos5 · 10/12/2023 06:40

Yes and be happy that he showed his real colours before you went on the effort of a date xx

Allthewallsarewhite · 10/12/2023 08:08

Firefly2009 · 10/12/2023 06:00

There are plenty of men out there. Here's my dating rule: If I'm having to question things like this, it rules them out. It shouldn't be stressful. As someone else said, this is in itself, a red flag.

Please don't waste time worrying about stuff like this. I know, because I've done it; I like to figure people out; I fear missing out; I don't want to turn down a guy who's interested, etc, etc.

Let me tell you...I've done lots of OLD and dating over the years, and anytime I had a question mark over something - anything - it didn't go well in the end. It's actually better to be more fussy. Even one bad date can have a negative effect on me. Move on :-)

Exactly this is what I was trying to say, but you phrased it more clearly

RedHelenB · 10/12/2023 08:41

If you want to meet him meet him. Have some fun, it doesn't have to be a long term thing. You're overthinking it, it's not a marriage proposal but a possible date.