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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this a red flag? Or am I just looking for red flags everywhere?

115 replies

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 20:04

Hi all,

So joined OLD around a month ago. 31 years old. Signed up to Tinder and hinge.

Agreed to go for a drink with a guy over Xmas, I did notice he put on his hinge profile 'figuring out my dating goals' and he also put 'very happy in my own company, needy may not apply'

He asked me how long I've been single, have I been on many hinge dates etc!

And I pointed out that the comment he made about not wanting needy and figuring out his relationship type sounds like he just wants casual, which is fine but not what I'm looking for so maybe it's best if we don't meet.

Then he said 'oh no I don't do casual either, my ex wife was obsessed with her work, becoming a partner in her firm, we ended up splitting up, he is soft and empathetic and she isn't etc etc,

And then said 'does my profile seriously say that haha, why did you even talk to me then'

And I said because I only noticed it there now, didn't notice it when we matched and started chatting.

He has now taken it down, but hasn't put down if he wants long term or short term etc,

He , messages quite a lot and if I don't message back , he will double message, I thought that was a bit odd for someone who doesn't want 'needy' himself 🤔

Anyway I don't know if I'm overthinking and jaded due to some of my friends experience with OLD and all the stuff I read on Mumsnet and I should meet him over Xmas

OR if I'm actually just being pretty perceptive and spotting a red flag early and should save myself the bother of meeting him

What do you think Mumsnetters?!

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:

Bloodyel · 09/12/2023 21:00

Your first mistake was downloading tinder and Hinge. Delete them both and download bumble for higher quality possibilities.

Original poster

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:02

@uuughhhshsh - yes it did baffle me slightly he said it in the context of she was so obsessed with work and a partner and didn't want kids, and he does want kids!

But doesn't want 'needy'

@Olika- yes doesn't want needy yet is constantly messaging and if I don't get back to him will message again! He is more needy than I am hah.

@paisley256 no I get what you mean, you explained it well!

@MidnightMeltdown - I know. He is 38 so should know what he wants.

He has taken it down though now...and has now said he does want a relationship....maybe he wrote it when drunk?!

OP posts:

Shamrockk · 09/12/2023 21:06

Sounds like he’s trying to keep his options open so that if X amount down the line you still aren’t official he can say “well I did say I was just figuring out what I want”.

Anyone who requires this amount of thought and mental gymnastics at such an early stage is someone I would keep clear of.

“Needy not apply” tells me emotional immaturity and someone who is extremely needy but can’t reciprocate. He will just want “taken care of” whilst you asking for a cuddle will be seen as being needy.

Think your red flag sensor is correct OP.

Original poster

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:07

@Bloodyel - I was considering bumble but then thought no point it's probably the same bunch of idiots on there as the other 2 apps

OP posts:

Bloodyel · 09/12/2023 21:08

Download bumble and avoid any profiles that are at all negative in the bio. You want well adjusted positive people who are open to new things, not closed minded wanktards who can't think of anything more interesting than writing passive aggressive jibes at people they haven't even met. Just screams insecure tbh. On the advice of a friend of mine I exclusively used bumble and I'm now 3 months into a really lovely new relationship, although I will add I went on a LOT of dates before I met someone I really liked and clicked with. Most people have to go on a lot of dates and it's easy to lose the motivation once you've been on a lot that don't do much for you.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 09/12/2023 21:09

Stop all this messaging. Meet - within the week.

Who wants to spend days / weeks / months messaging someone they have not met ?!

lto2019 · 09/12/2023 21:09

People who describe themselves as empathetic - are usually not in my experience.

Bloodyel · 09/12/2023 21:10

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:07

@Bloodyel - I was considering bumble but then thought no point it's probably the same bunch of idiots on there as the other 2 apps

Tinder is OK for hookups if you just want casual (although I have friends who happened to find relationships on there) and indeed the same people often pop up on all 3 apps but bumble is by far the best for actual grown up dating, whether you want casual or something serious, it's basically people who are comfortable with themselves and more well adjusted in general.

Original poster

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:10

@Shamrockk - yes maybe for once my red flag radar has been correct haha...

It's just weird he took it down once I mentioned it! And also he has been messaging loads since I pointed it out, and funny you mention cuddly , he said he wants a best friend who he can be 'cuddly' with, it's the best part of a relationship etc ....complete turn around from not wanting 'needy' is it not?!

OP posts:

Original poster

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:11

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon - I don't have any free time to meet until the Xmas holidays....it's him who keeps messaging, no idea why if he doesn't want 'needy'

OP posts:

SamW98 · 09/12/2023 21:14

I prefer Bumble as well. And because the woman messages first, you can filter out much better before you chat.
And no unsolicited sleazy opening messages which is a bonus.

Yes there’s idiots on there but far fewer than other sites. Plus the free option is pretty decent. You just get limited likes per day.

Original poster

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:15

@SamW98 -yea but the fact that the women have to message first, does that not encourage lazy men who are not really fussed?!

OP posts:

Shamrockk · 09/12/2023 21:18

@WitheringTights000 honestly sounds like he’s trying to reel you in but then panicked that your smart and caught on early so started backtracking and then pinning it on you like why did you talk to me then, alleviating him of blame.

I’ve noticed that men seem to do this thing that they will look on social media and see those cringe relationship goals posts and then start using that (cuddling) as like some sort of benefit of being with them.

Its like some adult version of the witch in Snow White luring her with an apple🤣

AnneKipankitoo · 09/12/2023 21:18

I repeat . NOOOOOOOOOO.

porridgeisbae · 09/12/2023 21:20

haha I know, he is a lawyer so he is bright but I agree it sounded not very bright!

Then maybe it's that he isn't putting much effort in @WitheringTights000 (or wasn't at first.) So he didn't even bother making a decent reply when you questioned him.

Original poster

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:23

@Shamrockk - adult version of the witch in Snow White made me laugh hahaha 🤣 true though! I can be a bit of an over thinker though so thought it was just that!

OP posts:

porridgeisbae · 09/12/2023 21:23

It's just weird he took it down once I mentioned it!

Not really, as he was chatting to you and you didn't like what he'd put. Also, it means that other women would probably feel the same way about it, so it's not the best thing to have on his profile.

Original poster

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:23

@AnneKipankitoo - thats a very very very firm Noooooo, I did think it was just me worrying too much maybe!

OP posts:

Wednesday6 · 09/12/2023 21:40

I thought he meant that he wasn't needy.. anyway I don't see an obvious red flag

Original poster

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:40

I had agreed to go with a drink from him over Xmas though...do I ghost, or explain to him the fact he wrote that and then changed it put me off? I don't want to be too rude by ghosting

OP posts:

Original poster

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:43

@Wednesday6 - no. He put he is figuring out his relationship type, and then wrote a little sentence to say ' I'm very happy in my own company, needy people need not apply'

Then when I mentioned it to him he said 'I said that, why did I say that?! And then took it down and told me he wants a relationship lol

OP posts:

ChristmasPuddy · 09/12/2023 21:44

I wouldn’t bother with him! Next please!

Lovemusic82 · 09/12/2023 21:48

Sounds like he’s the needy one. He dumps his last partner because she was busy with work and not paying him enough attention? I wouldn’t have even swiped on him with those quotes on his profile. From experience anyone who uses quotes like that do so because they are high maintenance themselves 😬

Lovemusic82 · 09/12/2023 21:49

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:40

I had agreed to go with a drink from him over Xmas though...do I ghost, or explain to him the fact he wrote that and then changed it put me off? I don't want to be too rude by ghosting

I would message and say “sorry, changed my mind about the date because you sound too needy” then block him.

Original poster

WitheringTights000 · 09/12/2023 21:49

@Lovemusic82 - he liked one of my photos on hinge. I hit 'match' without properly reading his profile! My mistake I guess haha, I just didn't know if I was overthinking or not

OP posts:

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