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Original poster

Ladies.. playing "hard to get" works!

115 replies

ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 10:14

So, I've been having casual sex with this guy for just over 4 years. It had never occurred to me before but I have never ever turned down his request to hook up. Even if that meant rearranging minor plans (like postponing hair wash day, something like that). The sex really is just that good. Blush

2 weeks ago I came down with this brutal cold that's going about so when he messaged saying "thinking of coming round on Wednesday", I said I had to postpone.

No word of a lie, he has text me every day since then. Asking how I'm feeling, how my week is going, general chit chat. Normally he would only text twice a week at most, and one of those would be arranging to meet.

At first I thought he's just gauging how I'm feeling so he knows when we can hook up again but he's been messaging on days when I know he's out of town so wouldn't even be available to meet.

On Saturday night, we messaged for hours, and he's asked if I want to go out for Christmas drinks once I'm fully recovered... something we've never done in these 4 years.

This is not a Hallmark friends-to-lovers story because neither of us are looking to pursue a real relationship with the other, but it's definitely got me thinking that playing "hard to get" even unintentionally really does work!

OP posts:
Clydagh · 04/12/2023 10:19

Well, surely only if you want him to be so terribly attentive? I mean, there was nothing wrong with your previous interaction from your POV, right? You rearranged things to see him because the sex was excellent. You don’t want a relationship, so the new desire to see you isn’t really any kind of game changer, except if you want to wash your hair, now you know he’ll be available the next night…?

Yay for the excellent sex, obviously.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/12/2023 10:20

Do you want to go for Xmas drinks /maybe date this guy?

Cupcakekiller · 04/12/2023 10:22

He only turned it up because he thought he might lose you as a sex partner. What works is clear honest communication & both parties wanting the same thing. Ever heard of love bombing? Blokes will pull out all the stops to ensure they keep a woman hanging on/under the thumb.

Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 10:22

Clydagh · 04/12/2023 10:19

Well, surely only if you want him to be so terribly attentive? I mean, there was nothing wrong with your previous interaction from your POV, right? You rearranged things to see him because the sex was excellent. You don’t want a relationship, so the new desire to see you isn’t really any kind of game changer, except if you want to wash your hair, now you know he’ll be available the next night…?

Yay for the excellent sex, obviously.

That's true. I do enjoy the extra attention if I'm honest Grin sometimes if we've both had crazy busy weeks at work, the only texts we will exchange is "fancy meeting up on Friday" and "wow that was great!" so it's nice to actually have more of a conversation for a change!

OP posts:
Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 10:23

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/12/2023 10:20

Do you want to go for Xmas drinks /maybe date this guy?

Dating? No. Not an option for either of us. Took him up on the offer of drinks though.

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 04/12/2023 10:25

Well considering how difficult sex partners can be for a bloke to get, I imagine he'd gnaw his left bollock off rather than lose a guaranteed shag.

So buying a few drinks is bargain.

littlebopeepp234 · 04/12/2023 10:25

Cupcakekiller · 04/12/2023 10:22

He only turned it up because he thought he might lose you as a sex partner. What works is clear honest communication & both parties wanting the same thing. Ever heard of love bombing? Blokes will pull out all the stops to ensure they keep a woman hanging on/under the thumb.

I agree. Once they see you as just a hookup then generally that’s how they’ll treat you. I’ve had the pretend caring before, not because I hooked up with them but because they thought they were in with a chance of getting me into bed!

He’s just not wanting to lose his hookup partner op. I wouldn’t read too much into it. Going out for Xmas drinks is just a manipulation tactic to make sure he keeps you on the hook! Nothing more.

Also, having to postpone because you are unwell is hardly playing hard to get.

Hellsmells · 04/12/2023 10:25

I agree with Cupcakekiller.

Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 10:27

Cupcakekiller · 04/12/2023 10:22

He only turned it up because he thought he might lose you as a sex partner. What works is clear honest communication & both parties wanting the same thing. Ever heard of love bombing? Blokes will pull out all the stops to ensure they keep a woman hanging on/under the thumb.

That's a good point. To be honest, I think our communication has always been good. He frequently asks me if I'm still happy with the arrangement and how I'm feeling about it.

You're right though, it's probably come as a shock that I've knocked him back on this occasion. Even if it was for a legit reason!

OP posts:
Erby · 04/12/2023 10:27

Your definition of 'hard to get' is radically different from mine.

If you were genuinely happy with being used as a free sex service you wouldn't give a crap about how 'attentive' this creep was.

WeekWeekWeek · 04/12/2023 10:29

I don’t know if this is quite the coup you think it is, OP.

Whatapp and text messages are free. Sex from you is costing him nothing.

WashedOutFaces · 04/12/2023 10:31

I don't think it's that victory you're making it out to be, sex might be good because you are compatible, others might not think he's that good at sex. It's a process to find a woman who just wants casual sex and 2 texts a week, investing in extra texts when most of us have our phones around us 24/7 and when he has nothing and no one better to do isn't flattering.
Playing hard to get is if he actually makes a big effort that gives you a concrete commitment or serious effort amazing date stuff of Hollywood, not drinks for xmas and a few more texts.
This effort with you is nothing compared to how much it would take to find a new woman who is happy with your set up so of course he is afraid of losing a sex partner.

I think it sounds like you want more with him or someone else, the way you are so happy with scraps is sad. It's OK to admit you want a solid relationship.

Bales23 · 04/12/2023 10:31

Playing "hard to get" surely means BEFORE you have sex. Anything after that doesn't mean much. He's already "got" whatever he's interested in. His concern is to guarantee that you're available the next time. Which seems to be working as you're now excited about the extraordinary attention he's giving you.

WhateverMate · 04/12/2023 10:33

Bales23 · 04/12/2023 10:31

Playing "hard to get" surely means BEFORE you have sex. Anything after that doesn't mean much. He's already "got" whatever he's interested in. His concern is to guarantee that you're available the next time. Which seems to be working as you're now excited about the extraordinary attention he's giving you.

Yes, it's like he's got a little bag of crumbs to throw and he's only just had to open it.

Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 10:33

Uhm Ok... I think there might be a miscommunication here.

I don't see this as a "victory" on my part. As I've said, neither of us are interested in perusing a relationship with the other. I was merely pointing out an observation.

Is it nice? Yeah. Does it change anything about our situation? No. And I don't want or expect it too.

OP posts:
TheCadoganArms · 04/12/2023 10:34

Erby · 04/12/2023 10:27

Your definition of 'hard to get' is radically different from mine.

If you were genuinely happy with being used as a free sex service you wouldn't give a crap about how 'attentive' this creep was.

Or maybe, as the OP alludes to, she is enjoying the great sex and the casual/non committal nature of this arrangement. Its almost as if she has some agency in this whole scenario and is not being 'used' at all.⁷

WashedOutFaces · 04/12/2023 10:35

WeekWeekWeek · 04/12/2023 10:29

I don’t know if this is quite the coup you think it is, OP.

Whatapp and text messages are free. Sex from you is costing him nothing.

Well it's gonna cost him drinks soon, weekly sex for 2 or less texts a week and the odd £20 on drinks is a far cheaper deal than a girlfriend or a sex worker.

Casual sex benefits men, meanwhile you're still single getting older everyday and no partner or husband that can actually help you out in life. 4 years of this arrangement. Wow.

Clydagh · 04/12/2023 10:39

TheCadoganArms · 04/12/2023 10:34

Or maybe, as the OP alludes to, she is enjoying the great sex and the casual/non committal nature of this arrangement. Its almost as if she has some agency in this whole scenario and is not being 'used' at all.⁷

Show quote history

This. It sounds to me as if it’s working for both people. But some people, including some women, still think is sex is something women concede in exchange for commitment, or something men ‘do to’ women.

Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 10:39

WashedOutFaces · 04/12/2023 10:35

Well it's gonna cost him drinks soon, weekly sex for 2 or less texts a week and the odd £20 on drinks is a far cheaper deal than a girlfriend or a sex worker.

Casual sex benefits men, meanwhile you're still single getting older everyday and no partner or husband that can actually help you out in life. 4 years of this arrangement. Wow.

Show quote history

Wow yourself.

Why is the woman portrayed as a lonely old spinster while the man is loving life, having his cake and eating it?

As I've already said, I'm happy with this arrangement. It wouldn't have carried on for 4 years if I wasn't. And why do I need a man to "help me out in life"? What a sad existence that would be if I had to have a partner/husband just to feel fulfilled.

OP posts:
Hellsmells · 04/12/2023 10:42

In what way do you see playing hard to get 'working'? You were happy with things as they were.

WashedOutFaces · 04/12/2023 10:42

'Having his cake and eating it'
This is an affair, isn't it?

Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 10:44

Hellsmells · 04/12/2023 10:42

In what way do you see playing hard to get 'working'? You were happy with things as they were.

It was just an observation. I've pulled back from our arrangement, albeit unintentionally, and he's kicked it up a gear and "chasing". Not beneficial to my situation but I was sharing my observation with Mumsnet in general. Kind of wishing I hadn't now.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 10:46

WashedOutFaces · 04/12/2023 10:42

'Having his cake and eating it'
This is an affair, isn't it?

Massive leap....

You said causal sex only benefits men. So I likened it to "having cake and eating it" - that common expression people use.

OP posts:
WashedOutFaces · 04/12/2023 10:46

It's not about being an old spinster, it's about you sounding very young and the repeated posts by women in their late 30s and early 40s wishing and wondering if they could have a family, if they could find a decent guys their age. You sound like a young woman frittering the best time of her life to find a partner for 4 years of this arrangement, he only texts twice or less a week yet see how happy you are now he is giving you attention, if you really had no room in your life for a relationship you'd be bothered by his sudden clingyness. I see young women making this mistake,claiming it's feminist modern woman being sex positive when in reality she is left used and secretly had been wishing for more.

WhateverMate · 04/12/2023 10:46

ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 10:39

Wow yourself.

Why is the woman portrayed as a lonely old spinster while the man is loving life, having his cake and eating it?

As I've already said, I'm happy with this arrangement. It wouldn't have carried on for 4 years if I wasn't. And why do I need a man to "help me out in life"? What a sad existence that would be if I had to have a partner/husband just to feel fulfilled.

Show quote history

I agree with that totally.

But come on, unless you've only just stumbled onto Mumsnet from another universe, you know exactly what reaction you're going to get with your public service announcement to us 'Ladies'.

You're not telling us anything we don't know, but you do come across as though you want a little bit more than he's been offering.