Ladies.. playing "hard to get" works!

[ArseyAnnabelle]

So, I've been having casual sex with this guy for just over 4 years. It had never occurred to me before but I have never ever turned down his request to hook up. Even if that meant rearranging minor plans (like postponing hair wash day, something like that). The sex really is just that good.

2 weeks ago I came down with this brutal cold that's going about so when he messaged saying "thinking of coming round on Wednesday", I said I had to postpone.

No word of a lie, he has text me every day since then. Asking how I'm feeling, how my week is going, general chit chat. Normally he would only text twice a week at most, and one of those would be arranging to meet.

At first I thought he's just gauging how I'm feeling so he knows when we can hook up again but he's been messaging on days when I know he's out of town so wouldn't even be available to meet.

On Saturday night, we messaged for hours, and he's asked if I want to go out for Christmas drinks once I'm fully recovered... something we've never done in these 4 years.

This is not a Hallmark friends-to-lovers story because neither of us are looking to pursue a real relationship with the other, but it's definitely got me thinking that playing "hard to get" even unintentionally really does work!

Good for you, OP. Enjoy your drinks, hope you have a nice evening.

Some of these comments are vile. Surely the OP is allowed to enjoy the sex as much as the bloke is?

Or have we gone back in time?

And yet we have a thread going where people fall over themselves saying that sex is a need.
And I thought we had reached an area where women can have ONS , or a hook
up and enjoy it. All
that wo being ‘used’ by the man fur sex but simply because they want to
and enjoy it!

It’s crazy to see all those posts saying the guy is manipulating her or that she is simply a cheap shag.

Well considering you don’t want more, you come across as dizzily delighted he’s being attentive and jumped at the option of a date. That’s not usually the sign of someone who doesn’t want more. You even started a thread saying how playing hard to get works. Works for what if you don’t want more.

just own it. It’s fine.

You’ve hardly been playing hard to get if you’ve been shagging him whenever he wants for the last few years. If he wanted to be with you properly then you would be by now.

Well the OP is contradictory. By essentially saying ‘I’ve figured out what makes men chase you! Playing hard to get works!’ As though she’s divulged some great secret, she implies that that is what all women want. Play hard to get and your man will be interested in you and start chasing! Yay!

except for her. She doesn’t want that because she only wants casual sex, and the implication is that that is empowering.

so I’m saying maybe if women raised their standards and actually were hard to get instead of ‘playing’ hard to get, and pretending casual sex for women is somehow empowering despite the fact that unlike men, they are at risk of getting pregnant (not guaranteed! Jesus) and hence potentially have more at stake, we wouldn’t need posts highlighting the fact that if we don’t have sex with a man for week no strings attached, they will then be rushing to buy a us a drink. Amazing.

the point is the OP presents this scenario like it’s some kind of victory (generally, not necessarily for herself because she says she doesn’t want more) when it really isn’t. And we should all apparently bear this sage advice in mind when dealing with men in the future.

I agree it’s very contradictory, she’s stating she doesn’t want more, but as soon as he offers it she leaps at it, from attention to a date. And she’s trying to tell people that if yoh want men to want more than sex, just refuse them. As said earlier, she sounds dizzy with delight.

if she didn’t want more, she’d have not engaged in the chat, not have agreed to drinks. Instead she’s lapped it up.

I don’t get why she can’t just own it though. Why do one thing and say another, her behaviour clearly shows she’s desperate for more, but simply willing to accept what she can get.

This is peak mumsnet. Op has a fuckbiddy and is very happy with the arraigment and it workd for her. Somehow she's still being used and apparently has no agency of her own body? Decided to start a lighthearted observation to a forum and somehow it means that she desperately wants something more and has been pining for 4 years to finally get this moment 😁

Fuckbiddy- casual sex for the elderly 😂

Do you realise that women who are married /in stable relationship also have abortions?
You must be in very privileged position to have as many children as u fall pregnant with but for many women once they have number of children they can afford /take care of any unwanted pregnancy is a huge problem. And abortion in stable relationship is way more life changing then from a causal relationship when you're young although women really respond differently and for some it's mainly relief.

I'm not saying paying child support is same as parenting but having a child ties you to that person for another 18 years and affects your life choices. For some men it could not be a problem and they would try to get away with paying as little child maintenance and having as little contacts as possible but for many having a child from causal relationship would be very unwanted and life changing yet they have no choice to discontinue pregnancy while women do in the end of the day.

Personally I have no interest in causal sex whatsoever but that's me. I know people can have different views and preferences then me.

It's terribly sad that you see just sex as a commodity that women should use to barter with. Is it not possible that the sex itself is what the OP is getting out of it?

You're basically implying that all women who have sex are prostituting themselves.

I don’t really get the post. Maybe he’s more into you now, or he’s worried that you cancelling means he might lose sex supply. Plenty of people, with men who love them, and aren’t just hooking up, get daily texts and calls and love, because we are loved, and there’s no “playing hard to get” on either side.

what do you want from this? It sounds like you want more than your current arrangement, but the strong likelyhood is that with him getting good sex on tap with no obligations, he was probably scared he will lose that? I personally would never waste my time on anyone that had ever had this kind of arrangement with someone, as I think it speaks volumes about them and I wouldn’t think of him as a catch

P or being hard to get, is missing the point of becoming an evolved person.

Once one has spent significant time discovering one’s own self limiting personal baggage in life, have worked to address them, developed love and compassion for oneself, then you are an in a position to love others in a healthy way.

The culmination of the above is sometimes referred to as being “confident” or such people are sometimes described as “charismatic”.

What has only really occurred is that one has become very comfortable in their own skin and accepts and respects themselves and others. It’s very simple. We overcomplicate things.

Once you’ve figured this all out and got yourself acclimated to this mindset, you’ll never ever need to “chase” again, nor have a need to be “chased”.
You’ll become internally well balanced and such markers will be meaningless to you.

Instead, the markers you’ll be looking for are goodness of character, and you’ll be busy enhancing your own.

Then, you’ll be able to have whole experiences, if you want them, rather than compartmentalised scraps snacks.
Once you change your view, the world is an abundant place.

Christ he sounds selfish, I cba if my fwb fuck buddy whatever called me every single bloody day!! Especially after I postponed our meet up due to coming down with a cold.

you haven’t got the upper hand here OP, sorry.

Exactly this! So sad to see the internalised misogyny on this thread...

Good Lord! OP isn’t trying to marry the man or anything else. For whatever reason, their set up works for them, but she can equally be amused by the fact he’s now chasing, as he presumably misses his stick getting wet 😏.

If anything, I’d be questioning his motives, not the OP’s. He’s doing the chasing, so he’s either desperate for a shag, afraid of losing his regular shag or knows he’s never had it better or maybe he’s had time to realise he actually wants more and the OP will have to let him go… 🤷🏽‍♀️.

Enjoy your drink and carry on as suits, OP.

Guys, it was a lighthearted observation to the age-old question we see on our favourite Rom Coms. It was not supposed to be an instruction to women or deplete their (or my) self-worth.

It was a lighthearted observation, based on my current scenario, designed to be more of a mild amusement "look how this guy has reacted when I've made myself unavailable to him".

There's no hidden agenda. No motive. No goal. I'm not advocating that women play games with the men in their lives. I'm not saying that women need to be "chased".

Great that it's sparked a healthy debate about the pros and cons of casual sex and how that works for different people but, in my situation anyway, it's not that serious.

I never said having an abortion was the preserve of women in casual relationships.

Because women have more at stake when having sex, by definition, sex can never be simply ‘casual’ for women in the way it is for men.

thats it.

I can kind of see where you're coming from with this.

Women do have a lot more at stake but men also have a lot of consequences of casual sex too.

My fuckbuddy is terrified of me getting pregnant. Not enough to deter him from sticking his dick in me, clearly, but me getting pregnant would be the end of the world for him. It would be a life-changing and body-changing decision for me but it wouldn't cause the same emotional devastation as it would for him. And the important thing is, it would be a decision for me. It wouldn't be for him.

I think that everyones experience of, and attitude to, casual sex is different and it's not always a case of it being beneficial to men and detrimental to women. It depends on the individual.

I don't get this. The man too is "getting older everyday and no partner that can actually help him out in life". Why is the assumption that this is bad for women but good for men? She gets good sex out of it. A man who is good in bed is a more valuable commodity than a woman who is good in bed, so it's not like the arrangement does nothing for the OP.

Look I know there are men out there who don't get very bothered about impregnating radom woman. They are also likely to pay minimum maintenance and have little to do with a child.
That's not true for majority of men tho. For most men having a child from causal relationship would be a life changing situation that they have zero control over. It would also has huge negative consequences for their life. Most men I know I literally petrified of something like that happening as it would be their worst nightmare.
I also know many women who terminated pregnancies from causal relationship and although they made a very hard decision most don't see it as traumatising or "life changing". They are glad they had that choice and they made sure to double up on contraception.

Glad you're over your nasty cold.

This whole thing sounds like a bloke mansplaining to the 'ladies'.

'...It would be a life-changing and body-changing decision for me but it wouldn't cause the same emotional devastation as it would for him...' 😕

I've engaged in the chat, responded to his attention, and accepted the invite out to drinks because, believe it or not, I actually like this man as a person and enjoy his company outside of the bedroom. We had known each other for 6 years before we started sleeping together.

I'm not "dizzy with delight", "lapping it up" or "desperate for more". I'm happy with our arrangement. I'm happy to chat with him. I'm happy to go out for a few drinks with him, if that's what he wants to do.

Yes, he might be laying it on thick because he's worried about losing a regular sexual partner but I'm old enough and ugly enough to deal with that. It doesn't mean I'm being "used" or accepting whatever he throws at me.

Thank you. It was nasty. I've never had a cold which has lingered for this long before.