Page 2 | Ladies.. playing "hard to get" works!

ArseyAnnabelle · 2023-12-04T10:14:11+00:00

So, I've been having casual sex with this guy for just over 4 years. It had never occurred to me before but I have never ever turned down his request to hook up. Even if that meant rearranging minor plans (like postponing hair wash day, something like that). The sex really is just that good. [blush] 2 weeks ago I came down with this brutal cold that's going about so when he messaged saying "thinking of coming round on Wednesday", I said I had to postpone. No word of a lie, he has text me *every day* since then. Asking how I'm feeling, how my week is going, general chit chat. Normally he would only text twice a week at most, and one of those would be arranging to meet. At first I thought he's just gauging how I'm feeling so he knows when we can hook up again but he's been messaging on days when I know he's out of town so wouldn't even be available to meet. On Saturday night, we messaged for hours, and he's asked if I want to go out for Christmas drinks once I'm fully recovered... something we've never done in these 4 years. This is not a Hallmark friends-to-lovers story because neither of us are looking to pursue a real relationship with the other, but it's definitely got me thinking that playing "hard to get" even unintentionally really does work!

WeekWeekWeek · 04/12/2023 10:51

So what’s the benefit of his increased attention to you, OP?

You said you’re happy with a sex-only arrangement (great, no issues with that between consenting adults).

Up to now, you’ve been getting the sex you wanted.

Now you’re getting sex and texts, and possibly a free drink.

Are you sure you really want no-string sex, or are you getting an inkling that you want some companionship too?

Pancakefam · 04/12/2023 10:51

It sounds a bit like you've agreed to a date..

Rainydays777 · 04/12/2023 10:52

It annoys me that there is the narrative that women can ‘enjoy’ casual sex in the same way that men can.

I’m not saying it can’t be enjoyable but you can’t ignore the fact that women have far more at stake when having ‘casual’ sex because they can get pregnant. So I don’t think it’s empowering pretending like men and women are equal when it comes to sex. They aren’t.

I mean even the topic and the title of the thread implies that getting men to chase and show more interest is the ‘goal’. So it then follows that people are going to assume that at heart that is what OP would like.

It would be so lovely to see women collectively raise their standards.

Original poster

ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 10:53

WashedOutFaces · 04/12/2023 10:46

It's not about being an old spinster, it's about you sounding very young and the repeated posts by women in their late 30s and early 40s wishing and wondering if they could have a family, if they could find a decent guys their age. You sound like a young woman frittering the best time of her life to find a partner for 4 years of this arrangement, he only texts twice or less a week yet see how happy you are now he is giving you attention, if you really had no room in your life for a relationship you'd be bothered by his sudden clingyness. I see young women making this mistake,claiming it's feminist modern woman being sex positive when in reality she is left used and secretly had been wishing for more.

I'm also a woman in her late 30s who endured an unfulfilling 13 year relationship with a man who was hopeless both in bed and at life in general.

I am fully aware of what my "situation" is with casual man and am more than happy with it. I'm concentrating on my career and have no interest in pursuing another relationship right now.

I don't feel "used", and I'm not "wishing for more".

The extra attention I'm getting is nice, but I'm more mildly amused by it than anything else.

Like I said, if this arrangement didn't suit, I wouldn't be in it.

OP posts:

gannett · 04/12/2023 10:53

WashedOutFaces · 04/12/2023 10:35

Well it's gonna cost him drinks soon, weekly sex for 2 or less texts a week and the odd £20 on drinks is a far cheaper deal than a girlfriend or a sex worker.

Casual sex benefits men, meanwhile you're still single getting older everyday and no partner or husband that can actually help you out in life. 4 years of this arrangement. Wow.

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What on earth is this post.

I had casual sex throughout my 20s and it certainly benefited me. I didn't need a man to help me out in life. Sex is not something we "give" to men and men are not there to "provide" for us. Her arrangement sounds very nice.

Having said that playing any sort of game is pointless imo. I never saw the point of playing hard to get if I was actually attracted to someone because that would just mean I was denying myself sex.

DidiAskYouThough · 04/12/2023 10:53

Some texts and the offer of a drink is no effort whatsoever from a man, no matter what you want or do not want from the interaction.

gannett · 04/12/2023 10:55

Rainydays777 · 04/12/2023 10:52

It annoys me that there is the narrative that women can ‘enjoy’ casual sex in the same way that men can.

I’m not saying it can’t be enjoyable but you can’t ignore the fact that women have far more at stake when having ‘casual’ sex because they can get pregnant. So I don’t think it’s empowering pretending like men and women are equal when it comes to sex. They aren’t.

I mean even the topic and the title of the thread implies that getting men to chase and show more interest is the ‘goal’. So it then follows that people are going to assume that at heart that is what OP would like.

It would be so lovely to see women collectively raise their standards.

Would you like me to explain to you the steps women can take in the year of our lord 2023 to avoid getting pregnant?

Women should certainly be able to enjoy casual sex without having it questioned. (Also, not all men enjoy casual sex! Humans are all different.)

Rainydays777 · 04/12/2023 10:59

gannett · 04/12/2023 10:55

Would you like me to explain to you the steps women can take in the year of our lord 2023 to avoid getting pregnant?

Women should certainly be able to enjoy casual sex without having it questioned. (Also, not all men enjoy casual sex! Humans are all different.)

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Would you like me to explain to you all the ways that birth control can fail?

please read what I wrote. I didn’t say they shouldn’t be able to enjoy it or that it isn’t enjoyable. I said it’s pointless to pretend that men and women are ‘equal’ when it comes to casual sex purely by the nature of their biology.

Lili132 · 04/12/2023 11:05

Rainydays777 · 04/12/2023 10:59

Would you like me to explain to you all the ways that birth control can fail?

please read what I wrote. I didn’t say they shouldn’t be able to enjoy it or that it isn’t enjoyable. I said it’s pointless to pretend that men and women are ‘equal’ when it comes to casual sex purely by the nature of their biology.

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As if being in stable relationship necessarily translated into accidental pregnancy being no problem at all. Many women can't afford to have another child or they already have number of children they want /can care for.
It's a myth that being in long term relationship somehow always protects you from the effects of unwanted pregnancy.

ALightOverThere · 04/12/2023 11:06

I find this really confusing (and confused). The whole post seems premised on the fact that you want more from him. Either you're happy with the casual relationship - in which case why are these changes good? - or you're not happy in which case why have you continued it?

Either way, being chuffed that a man has invited you for drink after you've been sleeping with him for four years is a low bar.

Lili132 · 04/12/2023 11:07

Rainydays777 · 04/12/2023 10:59

Would you like me to explain to you all the ways that birth control can fail?

please read what I wrote. I didn’t say they shouldn’t be able to enjoy it or that it isn’t enjoyable. I said it’s pointless to pretend that men and women are ‘equal’ when it comes to casual sex purely by the nature of their biology.

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Also another myth is that men don't have to worry about unwanted pregnancy. There are DNA tests now and child maintenance. And men have no say in whether pregnancy will be continued or terminated.

Rainydays777 · 04/12/2023 11:17

Lili132 · 04/12/2023 11:07

Also another myth is that men don't have to worry about unwanted pregnancy. There are DNA tests now and child maintenance. And men have no say in whether pregnancy will be continued or terminated.

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They don’t have to give birth to it. They don’t have to potentially make the life changing decision that is choosing to have an abortion. No they have no say but they also don’t bear the responsibility of having to make that decision.

paying child maintenance is not the same as actual parenting.

anyway I was mainly just pointing out that the whole premise of OP’s post implies that getting men to ‘care’ more and ‘chase’ is the goal, which kind of undermines her assertions that she’s perfectly happy with casual sex (and now a free drink).

BethDuttonsTwin · 04/12/2023 11:18

🙄

BethDuttonsTwin · 04/12/2023 11:23

Lili132 · 04/12/2023 11:07

Also another myth is that men don't have to worry about unwanted pregnancy. There are DNA tests now and child maintenance. And men have no say in whether pregnancy will be continued or terminated.

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None of this is remotely comparable to actually growing a baby in your body and all that goes with that, how it affects every single relationship you’ll ever have again, the toll it will take physically and mentally whether you continue the pregnancy or not, the years lost from careers, the lowered earning potential pretty much forever, how every practical decision you make forever is for two people instead of one. Honestly I get so irritated at these attempts to equalise the experience of pregnancy and childbirth to the poor ole men who have to pay a bit of child support and don’t get to tell a woman what to do with her body!

Weddingblues23 · 04/12/2023 11:23

Jfc some of the responses on here... OP, I get you, you're finding it funny that he is scurrying round after 4 years of no strings sex (beneficial to both sides) and wanted to share the amusement.

I'm not sure why the Victorians on the thread want to suck the joy out of that.

Moonshine5 · 04/12/2023 11:26

Is it playing hard to get or just having boundaries and a life?

The main thing is you're happy with the outcome.
Ps. Sounds like you want more with your FWB
Hope it all works out well for you.

MrsElsa · 04/12/2023 11:28

Mumsnet isn't keen on this sort of thing OP!

I agree, saying no and being unavailable from time to time is a good way to keep a man interested. Good for you!

Original poster

ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 11:31

Weddingblues23 · 04/12/2023 11:23

Jfc some of the responses on here... OP, I get you, you're finding it funny that he is scurrying round after 4 years of no strings sex (beneficial to both sides) and wanted to share the amusement.

I'm not sure why the Victorians on the thread want to suck the joy out of that.

Thank you! This is entirely the point I was trying to get across.

Also there is no "goal" as other PP's mentioned.

You see this kind of thing on Rom Coms all the time "he's just not that into you" "how do I get a guy to pay me more attention?" etc etc Well, it would appear that making yourself unavailable to him actually works.

It was just supposed to be a lighthearted, amusing observation.

OP posts:

Original poster

ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 11:38

ALightOverThere · 04/12/2023 11:06

I find this really confusing (and confused). The whole post seems premised on the fact that you want more from him. Either you're happy with the casual relationship - in which case why are these changes good? - or you're not happy in which case why have you continued it?

Either way, being chuffed that a man has invited you for drink after you've been sleeping with him for four years is a low bar.

I've already stated I don't want more from him. I'm happy with the casual relationship, The changes are neither good nor bad - they're actually quite funny.

I agree my bar would be low if I were actively in / actively seeking a relationship with him. I've accepted the invitation to drinks because it's something social to do during the festive season, with a friend I enjoy spending time with.

OP posts:

CreationNat1on · 04/12/2023 11:41

People are mad!!

Why can't an adult female enjoy non committal casual sex, without there being some ulterior motive (for a clingy relationship with a 1950s style minder man....... Which by the way is BS, most men need supporting and are not that supportive)?

OP - enjoy your life, your body, your right to your sexuality and your freedom from conformity. Good for you.

Weddingblues23 · 04/12/2023 11:43

Rainydays777 · 04/12/2023 10:52

It annoys me that there is the narrative that women can ‘enjoy’ casual sex in the same way that men can.

I’m not saying it can’t be enjoyable but you can’t ignore the fact that women have far more at stake when having ‘casual’ sex because they can get pregnant. So I don’t think it’s empowering pretending like men and women are equal when it comes to sex. They aren’t.

I mean even the topic and the title of the thread implies that getting men to chase and show more interest is the ‘goal’. So it then follows that people are going to assume that at heart that is what OP would like.

It would be so lovely to see women collectively raise their standards.

Sorry, so you're saying that in order to 'raise their standards' women have to keep their hand on their ha'penny and pretend they don't enjoy enjoy casual sex even if they do? Can you see how utterly regressive that is?

I enjoyed (yes! enjoyed!) casual sex for several years (without getting pregnant! The mind boggles!) In fact my difficulty was maintaining FWBs because the men didn't like that I was perfectly happy with a sex-only situation because they felt disempowered.

eujk · 04/12/2023 11:44

WashedOutFaces · 04/12/2023 10:35

Well it's gonna cost him drinks soon, weekly sex for 2 or less texts a week and the odd £20 on drinks is a far cheaper deal than a girlfriend or a sex worker.

Casual sex benefits men, meanwhile you're still single getting older everyday and no partner or husband that can actually help you out in life. 4 years of this arrangement. Wow.

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Why do you think OP is not happy with the arrangement? Why do you think she's looking for a partner/husband? Why on earth would she need a man to help her out in life?

DixonD · 04/12/2023 11:44

You’re not wrong - after a disastrous first round with my now husband, I’ll never chase a man again (even him 😂). It shouldn’t be like this and it is sadly. Having said that, if a man really, really likes you - you won’t have to play hard to get.

ironixallyenough · 04/12/2023 11:49

It sounds like all the lines are very blurry here OP. You say you don't want a relationship but are really pleased when you chat for hours and he asks you out for drinks. That sounds like you're building emotional intimacy with him?

shearwater2 · 04/12/2023 11:49

Rainydays777 · 04/12/2023 10:59

Would you like me to explain to you all the ways that birth control can fail?

please read what I wrote. I didn’t say they shouldn’t be able to enjoy it or that it isn’t enjoyable. I said it’s pointless to pretend that men and women are ‘equal’ when it comes to casual sex purely by the nature of their biology.

Show quote history

I think men might be a little worried about accidentally getting someone pregnant too. Perhaps not always as much as they ought to be, but it's not consequence-free for them either.