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Original poster

Ladies.. playing "hard to get" works!

115 replies

ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 10:14

So, I've been having casual sex with this guy for just over 4 years. It had never occurred to me before but I have never ever turned down his request to hook up. Even if that meant rearranging minor plans (like postponing hair wash day, something like that). The sex really is just that good. Blush

2 weeks ago I came down with this brutal cold that's going about so when he messaged saying "thinking of coming round on Wednesday", I said I had to postpone.

No word of a lie, he has text me every day since then. Asking how I'm feeling, how my week is going, general chit chat. Normally he would only text twice a week at most, and one of those would be arranging to meet.

At first I thought he's just gauging how I'm feeling so he knows when we can hook up again but he's been messaging on days when I know he's out of town so wouldn't even be available to meet.

On Saturday night, we messaged for hours, and he's asked if I want to go out for Christmas drinks once I'm fully recovered... something we've never done in these 4 years.

This is not a Hallmark friends-to-lovers story because neither of us are looking to pursue a real relationship with the other, but it's definitely got me thinking that playing "hard to get" even unintentionally really does work!

OP posts:
CatMadam · 04/12/2023 13:34

WashedOutFaces · 04/12/2023 10:35

Well it's gonna cost him drinks soon, weekly sex for 2 or less texts a week and the odd £20 on drinks is a far cheaper deal than a girlfriend or a sex worker.

Casual sex benefits men, meanwhile you're still single getting older everyday and no partner or husband that can actually help you out in life. 4 years of this arrangement. Wow.

Show quote history

Are you a time traveller from the 1950s? Are you not aware that women can also enjoy casual sex, and many don’t want or need a partner or husband?

Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 13:37

TellingBone · 04/12/2023 13:28

This whole thing sounds like a bloke mansplaining to the 'ladies'.

'...It would be a life-changing and body-changing decision for me but it wouldn't cause the same emotional devastation as it would for him...' 😕

How is that mansplaining?

I'm acknowledging what PP's have said in that of course it would be my body and my life which would change significantly, but I know from talking to Casual Man that I would be able to cope with it emotionally much better than he would. Getting pregnant at this stage in my life wouldn't be the end of the world for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 13:40

ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 13:37

How is that mansplaining?

I'm acknowledging what PP's have said in that of course it would be my body and my life which would change significantly, but I know from talking to Casual Man that I would be able to cope with it emotionally much better than he would. Getting pregnant at this stage in my life wouldn't be the end of the world for me.

Show quote history

And before anyone jumps on this too, I have no intentions of trapping poor innocent Casual Man by getting pregnant with his baby, just to quell the desperation and well-hidden desire I've felt towards him for the past 4 years. Grin

OP posts:
TellingBone · 04/12/2023 13:40

ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 13:37

How is that mansplaining?

I'm acknowledging what PP's have said in that of course it would be my body and my life which would change significantly, but I know from talking to Casual Man that I would be able to cope with it emotionally much better than he would. Getting pregnant at this stage in my life wouldn't be the end of the world for me.

Show quote history

I said the whole thing sounds like a bloke mansplaining - I wasn't referring to that particular phrase.

I added that quote because it doesn't sound like something a woman would say.

Epidote · 04/12/2023 13:41

I agree with PP that as you have always agreed he is worried to miss the arrangement you have so is playing extra nice to you.

I don't think you were hard to get tbh. I don't think the title is related with the thread.

If the arrangement works for you continue with it. There is nothing wrong with want to be single and self sufficient and enjoy some sex every now and them.

KaiserChefs · 04/12/2023 13:42

TellingBone · 04/12/2023 13:28

This whole thing sounds like a bloke mansplaining to the 'ladies'.

'...It would be a life-changing and body-changing decision for me but it wouldn't cause the same emotional devastation as it would for him...' 😕

Yep. Add in lots of references to "our favourite romcoms". I have an industrial-level knowledge of the romance genre in print and film for my job and I don't witter on about it like this (and sidenote, that's just not how the narrative structure works in most of them)!
And "we can't date" smacks of having an affair.
I think she might just be a bit dense and has internalised a bunch of bollocks though.

Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 13:43

TellingBone · 04/12/2023 13:40

I said the whole thing sounds like a bloke mansplaining - I wasn't referring to that particular phrase.

I added that quote because it doesn't sound like something a woman would say.

Show quote history

I'm sorry if it came across strangely-worded. I was just condensing what @BethDuttonsTwin had said:

"actually growing a baby in your body and all that goes with that, how it affects every single relationship you’ll ever have again, the toll it will take physically and mentally whether you continue the pregnancy or not, the years lost from careers, the lowered earning potential pretty much forever, how every practical decision you make forever is for two people instead of one."

The life-changing, and body-changing implications.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 13:47

KaiserChefs · 04/12/2023 13:42

Yep. Add in lots of references to "our favourite romcoms". I have an industrial-level knowledge of the romance genre in print and film for my job and I don't witter on about it like this (and sidenote, that's just not how the narrative structure works in most of them)!
And "we can't date" smacks of having an affair.
I think she might just be a bit dense and has internalised a bunch of bollocks though.

Edited
Show quote history

I admit I may have been watching too many Hallmark Christmas Movies these past few weekends Grin

I likened it to a Rom Com because too many people were jumping on my personal situation that I used as an example and I was trying to get the message across that "Why isn't he texting me back?" is a question women have been asking themselves since forever. I've done it myself loads of times.

This whole thing was supposed to be lighthearted and funny but I can see I've hugely missed the mark. Good to know that makes me "a bit dense" though!

OP posts:
HarryOHayandBettyOBarley · 04/12/2023 13:50

Epidote · 04/12/2023 13:41

I agree with PP that as you have always agreed he is worried to miss the arrangement you have so is playing extra nice to you.

I don't think you were hard to get tbh. I don't think the title is related with the thread.

If the arrangement works for you continue with it. There is nothing wrong with want to be single and self sufficient and enjoy some sex every now and them.

I agree with this.

You like this relationship because you were in a bad one for a very long time.
Do you mind me asking why he likes it. Is he involved with someone else?

Planesmistakenforstars · 04/12/2023 13:53

Life changing decision that is choosing to have an abortion

Speak for yourself. It isn't that way for a lot of women. There are many who wouldn't give it a second thought. The idea that all women must agonise over it and be left with emotional ramifications can kindly fuck off.

happinessischocolate · 04/12/2023 13:55

Men just love a challenge.

As soon as he feels he's got you, everything will go back to normal.

Unless you want to keep playing "hard to get" which does work, if you can be arsed.

Psyberbaby · 04/12/2023 14:00

If its not an affair, then why would you have a man who is great in bed, who you really like as a person, who you consider a friend, whose attention you enjoy, and NOT want to progress things?

Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 14:02

HarryOHayandBettyOBarley · 04/12/2023 13:50

I agree with this.

You like this relationship because you were in a bad one for a very long time.
Do you mind me asking why he likes it. Is he involved with someone else?

Show quote history

He's a widower. He's got 2 grown-up children and a "Big Important Stressful Job" he needs to focus on. The casual situation works for him too.

OP posts:
HarryOHayandBettyOBarley · 04/12/2023 14:05

ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 14:02

He's a widower. He's got 2 grown-up children and a "Big Important Stressful Job" he needs to focus on. The casual situation works for him too.

Show quote history

No harm is being done so. Just look out for yourself in case it prevents you from meeting someone you would like to grow old with.

Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 14:05

Psyberbaby · 04/12/2023 14:00

If its not an affair, then why would you have a man who is great in bed, who you really like as a person, who you consider a friend, whose attention you enjoy, and NOT want to progress things?

I want to focus on my job. He keeps busy with his.

He has 2 grown-up children who, although it was many years ago, are still understandably raw over the loss of their mother taken from them far too young.

There is also a considerable age-gap between us and we're at very different stages in our lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 14:07

HarryOHayandBettyOBarley · 04/12/2023 14:05

No harm is being done so. Just look out for yourself in case it prevents you from meeting someone you would like to grow old with.

Show quote history

Thank you, I appreciate it.

We're both aware that our arrangement has an expiration date for when I feel ready to move on and find someone I want a relationship with.

OP posts:
Muchof · 04/12/2023 14:11

TheCadoganArms · 04/12/2023 10:34

Or maybe, as the OP alludes to, she is enjoying the great sex and the casual/non committal nature of this arrangement. Its almost as if she has some agency in this whole scenario and is not being 'used' at all.⁷

Show quote history

But her post is about how playing hard to get has worked for her.

And I would also say, it doesn’t seem like she has ever played hard to get and why has being asked out for a drink after four years a sign of something “working” if she never wanted that anyway.

Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 14:15

Muchof · 04/12/2023 14:11

But her post is about how playing hard to get has worked for her.

And I would also say, it doesn’t seem like she has ever played hard to get and why has being asked out for a drink after four years a sign of something “working” if she never wanted that anyway.

Show quote history

The point of my post wasn't how "playing hard to get" / being unavailable worked for me. I said in my OP that it's not a friends-to-lovers story.

I was observing that making oneself unavailable works in general. If that's what the persons desired outcome is.

OP posts:
Trevorton · 04/12/2023 14:19

Erby · 04/12/2023 10:27

Your definition of 'hard to get' is radically different from mine.

If you were genuinely happy with being used as a free sex service you wouldn't give a crap about how 'attentive' this creep was.

This

Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2023 14:31

So...basically fuckbuddy is either getting needy or thinks you're vulnerable right now so is acting like he wants something more from you in order to make you like him (for his ego).

Yeah...not a win.
Narcissists and similar do tend to cling tighter to you when they feel you pulling away. It's not a man thing.

Spending all your day texting Mr 'just for fun' isn't a win either.

Watch out. Probably time to run.

Credit where credits due though, maintaining a healthy fun thing for 4 years is some good going.

Original poster
ArseyAnnabelle · 04/12/2023 14:37

Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2023 14:31

So...basically fuckbuddy is either getting needy or thinks you're vulnerable right now so is acting like he wants something more from you in order to make you like him (for his ego).

Yeah...not a win.
Narcissists and similar do tend to cling tighter to you when they feel you pulling away. It's not a man thing.

Spending all your day texting Mr 'just for fun' isn't a win either.

Watch out. Probably time to run.

Credit where credits due though, maintaining a healthy fun thing for 4 years is some good going.

Edited

Fair point. He might be getting needy or might be worried that he's losing the opportunity for regular sex.

He's absolutely not narcissistic. He's never given me that impression in the 11 years I've know him and I can spot them a mile off as my parents are the worst of a bad bunch!

It's not all day every day. The couple of hours on Saturday was an anomaly and I was just sitting in front of the tv with a Baileys anyway.

I haven't seen him in person yet so I'll keep an eye on how he comes across when I see him next.

OP posts:
workshy46 · 04/12/2023 14:53

Probably not relevant to this but women in general makes themselves far too available to men. Men never cancel plans or ditch friends to see a women, even one they are interested in. Women do this all he time.. they throw away their power. You don't have to treat them "mean" but in the initial stages of dating not being too available really doesn't hurt. They should have to work to hold your attention. Internet dating has given men all the power, its like a sweet shop and women want to be picked, above anything else it seems to a large extent. The stuff people put up with really was unheard of when I was dating 20 years ago

Clydagh · 04/12/2023 15:18

workshy46 · 04/12/2023 14:53

Probably not relevant to this but women in general makes themselves far too available to men. Men never cancel plans or ditch friends to see a women, even one they are interested in. Women do this all he time.. they throw away their power. You don't have to treat them "mean" but in the initial stages of dating not being too available really doesn't hurt. They should have to work to hold your attention. Internet dating has given men all the power, its like a sweet shop and women want to be picked, above anything else it seems to a large extent. The stuff people put up with really was unheard of when I was dating 20 years ago

It has nothing to do with the internet. Girls are still socialised to see being chosen by a man as an ‘achievement’ and boys and men to view being in a relationship as being ‘tied down’. Despite statistics suggesting that married men and single, childfree women are happiest.

TheCadoganArms · 04/12/2023 17:21

workshy46 · 04/12/2023 14:53

Probably not relevant to this but women in general makes themselves far too available to men. Men never cancel plans or ditch friends to see a women, even one they are interested in. Women do this all he time.. they throw away their power. You don't have to treat them "mean" but in the initial stages of dating not being too available really doesn't hurt. They should have to work to hold your attention. Internet dating has given men all the power, its like a sweet shop and women want to be picked, above anything else it seems to a large extent. The stuff people put up with really was unheard of when I was dating 20 years ago

What bollocks. I know plenty of guys who have happily changed their existing plans to accommodate a dating request from a woman they are suitably smitten with.

olivialennox · 04/12/2023 17:38

Erby · 04/12/2023 10:27

Your definition of 'hard to get' is radically different from mine.

If you were genuinely happy with being used as a free sex service you wouldn't give a crap about how 'attentive' this creep was.

By that logic OP is also using HIM as a ‘free sex service’