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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ex-husband pestering me about access to my house

127 replies

veganmeatballs · 03/12/2023 19:37

Hi! Not sure what to do in this situation, it's getting really tiring. I am also getting to point where I'm questioning whether I might be unreasonable and unkind. I don't think I am, but I'm trying to keep the peace for the sake of my son.

I have a land that I split in two, on which I built two houses (all in my name, and built after our divorce).

I live on half of the land, my adult son lives on the other half in the other house.
He invited his dad (my ex) to live with him, to which I didn't object.
Shortly after moving in, ex started coming into my house with son's spare keys, at random moments of the day, without letting me know, and basically treated the house like his. I'd come home to him laying on the sofa watching tv and laying in bed.
I told him to let me know when he wanted to visit and to not just pop in whenever without warning.

He didn't like that, spoke to my son, and decided that I wasn't allowed on my son's part of the land (also solely in my name).
I have respected that. But since then, he has been complaining to my son as well as my daughter who lives abroad about it all, calling the situation ridiculous, saying he is like an inmate stuck in prison.
He's constantly pestering me about it. Threatening me that "the situation will be solved in the next couple of months" whatever that means.

What can I do? Am I being unnecessarily unkind?
Thank you

OP posts:
Birdcar · 03/12/2023 23:41

You are being accommodating to the point of foolishness.

They are both your houses. Why on earth are you putting up with this?

MsRosley · 03/12/2023 23:42

Another one.

AngelAurora · 03/12/2023 23:47

Hmmm another made up thread 🙄

caringcarer · 03/12/2023 23:48

Change the locks and tell your son as he was careless with your keys you have had to change the locks as you no longer feel comfortable in your own home whilst your ex just lets himself into your personal space. I'd also warn your DS if your ex does not stop pestering you that you might have to reconsider him living in your other property as if he was not there and allowing your ex to stay you would not have to encounter him.

blackfluffycat · 03/12/2023 23:52

Does your son pay rent?
Does your ex pay rent?

How is it like "living in a prison" just because he can't go into his ex home? If you lived 30 min away would he still be allowed into your house?

Whether you own the property or not how can your ex say who your son has in his home?

What has your son said?

I would either...

Tell your son to get his dad to leave you alone

Tell your son to tell his dad to move out.

Sell the house and buy your son a house further away.

Rent the house out to someone else.

commonsense61 · 04/12/2023 00:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

JoanOfAllTrades · 04/12/2023 01:20

Change the locks, get a ring doorbell and alarm system and don’t give anyone the keys or alarm codes. If you’re worried about losing your keys, get a key saver that has a digital lock and have random numbers as the code, not birthdays or anything.

You should have changed the locks after the first time!

What do your children have to say about this carry on?

FirstTimeTTC989 · 04/12/2023 01:31

Bizarre. YABU to put up with it. I would not have agreed for exH to live in YOUR house.

HoppingPavlova · 04/12/2023 01:34

Threatening me that "the situation will be solved in the next couple of months" whatever that means.

I’m guessing he’s moving out in the next couple of months? Although, if I were you I would say you’ll solve it now and turf him out, cheeky fucker he is.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/12/2023 01:46

He's constantly pestering me about it. Threatening me that "the situation will be solved in the next couple of months" whatever that means.

What in the actual fuck is that supposed to mean, and why on earth are you allowing this man to remain on YOUR property?

You need to report his threats to police and kick him off of your property, and I do mean the house in which your son lives. Your ex-husband has got to go.

As soon as he's gone, change the locks of both homes and have a security system and cameras installed.

This man is dangerous.

SammyScrounge · 04/12/2023 01:58

SausageAndEggSandwich · 03/12/2023 19:38

Police.

And tell your son that unless his dad stops hassling you, he will need to find somewhere else to live.

Agreed. He has been warned. Future bad behaviour should earn him a visit from the police.
And change your locks too.

user1492757084 · 04/12/2023 03:43

Discuss with your son whether it is fair for him to sublet the home you rent to him to his father..
It is really between you and your son. He should value trust and not have given his father your keys.

If your son can not control his father then your son should be asked to find new accommodation.

Involve the Police and be prepared to change the locks if it keeps happening.

MsDogLady · 04/12/2023 03:46

Your Ex’s domination didn’t come out of nowhere. My guess is that his current coercive, mean-spirited actions are an extension of previous abuse he perpetrated during your marriage. His entitlement and riding roughshod are so beyond the pale that it beggars belief.

@veganmeatballs, do you have a history of second guessing yourself as being ‘unkind or unreasonable’ when attempting to set boundaries with this bully? Even after his appalling violation of your home, you asked him to notify you when he wanted to visit instead of forbidding his presence there. It’s disturbing that you’ve allowed him to run you off your own property next door, and are still giving him a chance to pester and bully you instead of cutting contact with him.

He has threatened you now and sounds dangerous. You really must change the locks and involve the police and a lawyer to get him out/file a restraining order.

Can you please elaborate on this situation? We want to help you. Where is your Husband in all this?

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2023 04:47

SunRainStorm · 03/12/2023 21:02

Are you renting to your son? If he's a tenant then he can decide who lives with him and comes on the property for the duration of the lease.

But is madness to think your ex should be able to enter your home

Change your locks.

What does your son think about this? Why did he go along with banning you from 'his' home?

If this continues I'd give DS notice that you'll find new tenants.

Untrue if in England. The rule applies for dependants, not adults.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 04/12/2023 05:00

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 03/12/2023 19:43

You did het a 'clean break' financial order on divorce didn't you op?

Can you please spell the consequences if OP didn't?

Emotionalsupportviper · 04/12/2023 05:05

SausageAndEggSandwich · 03/12/2023 19:38

Police.

And tell your son that unless his dad stops hassling you, he will need to find somewhere else to live.

This - and change the locks and don't give your son key.

greencheetah · 04/12/2023 05:40

I can’t understand how your XH thinks he’s entitled to enter your house. Is he insane?

Change the locks, and tell DS that if his father can’t fucking behave himself he will have to leave. If DS doesn’t like it, he can fuck off too.

TheFeistyFeminist · 04/12/2023 06:18

I am not a lawyer.

What legal documents govern your son's living arrangements? Is he renting from you, are you gifting him both house and land?

Don't sleepwalk into a situation that is to your detriment for the want of legal advice.

Presuming you retain ownership of both house and land, get it written in that any subletting confers no further rights beyond legal minimum. That should keep the ex from acquiring any claim.

At the same time, change your locks, son doesn't get a key.

MayThe4th · 04/12/2023 07:07

Advance search doesn’t work for me unfortunately, does anyone have a link to the OP’s other thread? Because from what some have said on here the OP has a dh who apparently seems to be absent in this scenario?

Unless he’s seen the light and ltb.

I mean if a woman posted here that she came home and found her dh’s ex asleep in their bed and he was putting up with it to keep the peace she would be told to ltb immediately.

So either the OP isn’t telling the whole story here or there are some inconsistencies in her posting history which are possibly worth a look by the higher ups.

nottaotter · 04/12/2023 07:26

I would be very very careful in this situation. For starters ring doorbell and CCTV, change locks spare keys NOT to your son. Do not sign anything that you son gives you, it sounds like your Ex may have a plan to get some of your land/property.

If you havent already make sure all the paperwork is correct for your land, Im sure your son is lovely but make sure there is no way your Ex can use him and manipulate him to get your property into your sons name and then his.

completely bizarre and unacceptable that your ex is your house at all.

Rosecutting · 04/12/2023 07:44

Call the police and report everything
Get cctv/ ring doorbell
Tell them both they can move to their own place.

Change locks.

I think it was thoughtless of your son to ask him to move in in first place.
Was your ex abusive ?

He is controlling you and probably doing it for revenge.

Beautiful3 · 04/12/2023 07:56

Another one here saying change the locks and tell your ex to leave. You have to explain to your son, that his dad cannot live there, because he's making problems for you. If he disagrees then tell him to leave.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 04/12/2023 09:47

Tiredbehyondbelief · 04/12/2023 05:00

Can you please spell the consequences if OP didn't?

Show quote history

If she didn't, her ex can make a claim at any point on her assets. Wether gained after divorce or not.

If either party has remarried the remarried party can no longer make a claim in law. If one has and one hadn't the unremarried party can still make a claim on the joint assets of the remarried party.

martinisforeveryone · 04/12/2023 10:35

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 04/12/2023 09:47

If she didn't, her ex can make a claim at any point on her assets. Wether gained after divorce or not.

If either party has remarried the remarried party can no longer make a claim in law. If one has and one hadn't the unremarried party can still make a claim on the joint assets of the remarried party.

Show quote history

The OP had a thread last week about her ‘DH’ and his mental health and Christmas arrangements. No mention of anything like this situation or any ex husband.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4953345-was-what-i-said-clumsy

Was what I said clumsy? | Mumsnet

DH is going through a tough patch mentally. A couple of weeks ago he came back from visiting his family (we usually visit our respective families to...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4953345-was-what-i-said-clumsy

greencheetah · 04/12/2023 10:46

Well I am not surprised your DH has MH issues if you’re allowing all this shit to go on with your ex @veganmeatballs

Can you explain what’s actually happening here?

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