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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ex-husband pestering me about access to my house

127 replies

veganmeatballs · 03/12/2023 19:37

Hi! Not sure what to do in this situation, it's getting really tiring. I am also getting to point where I'm questioning whether I might be unreasonable and unkind. I don't think I am, but I'm trying to keep the peace for the sake of my son.

I have a land that I split in two, on which I built two houses (all in my name, and built after our divorce).

I live on half of the land, my adult son lives on the other half in the other house.
He invited his dad (my ex) to live with him, to which I didn't object.
Shortly after moving in, ex started coming into my house with son's spare keys, at random moments of the day, without letting me know, and basically treated the house like his. I'd come home to him laying on the sofa watching tv and laying in bed.
I told him to let me know when he wanted to visit and to not just pop in whenever without warning.

He didn't like that, spoke to my son, and decided that I wasn't allowed on my son's part of the land (also solely in my name).
I have respected that. But since then, he has been complaining to my son as well as my daughter who lives abroad about it all, calling the situation ridiculous, saying he is like an inmate stuck in prison.
He's constantly pestering me about it. Threatening me that "the situation will be solved in the next couple of months" whatever that means.

What can I do? Am I being unnecessarily unkind?
Thank you

OP posts:
Lovingitallnow · 03/12/2023 20:55

@SisterMichaelsHabit her thread last week. The ex has some balls rocking up to the house she shares with her new dh. Unless they're one and the same and not divorced and recently split, or they had just gotten back together briefly last week.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/12/2023 20:59

I would have phoned the police the instant I found him in my house.
Then I would have made it very very clear to my son that he would be evicted if it happened again and then I would have changed the locks.

SunRainStorm · 03/12/2023 21:02

Are you renting to your son? If he's a tenant then he can decide who lives with him and comes on the property for the duration of the lease.

But is madness to think your ex should be able to enter your home

Change your locks.

What does your son think about this? Why did he go along with banning you from 'his' home?

If this continues I'd give DS notice that you'll find new tenants.

binkie163 · 03/12/2023 21:04

If your son wants to live with his father he needs to do it somewhere else, massively disrespectful to you as his mother and landlord. Is ex freeloading or paying rent? Call police as he is harassing/threatening you. See a solicitor asap. Did you give permission for him to live there. Stop being a doormat.

KissyMissy · 03/12/2023 21:04

Get legal advice

Timeforsnacks · 03/12/2023 21:08

Sounds like the ex thinks he can walk all over everyone. I would definitely encourage your son to be honest with you about if he wants his dad living with him or if his dad muscled his way in like he's trying to do with your home!!!
Tell your son you can legally make him leave the property without sons name being mentioned.
Imagine if the son says he's also not been comfortable with him living there and he's just never been asked.

Cosmosforbreakfast · 03/12/2023 21:08

Go get proper legal advice, make sure you, your properties and other assets are protected from this man. Get the process started on evicting him.

Change the locks, do not give your son a spare. He can't be trusted.

Get Ring doorbell or cctv installed. Get a chain on both back and front doors.

Report your ex to police.

Go no communication with your ex.

That 'situation being resolved' sounds very sinister. He has some plan under way so please, first thing tomorrow make an appointment with a solicitor.

bombastix · 03/12/2023 21:10

TaytoCheeseandOnion · 03/12/2023 20:50

Threads like this baffle me. Apparently v capable woman (can get out of divorce with enough resources and hutzpah to build not one but two houses) but seems not to know what to do when she comes home and finds her ex watching her TV. It really isn't rocket science.

No. It really isn't.

OCDmama · 03/12/2023 21:16

Stop being a pushover.

Ask him exactly what he means about the two months thing.

And tell your son you want your ex gone.

Anisette · 03/12/2023 21:17

What's the arrangement with your son? Has he got a formal tenancy, and is he paying rent?

Ignore the bollocks about the situation being "solved" in a month. If he thinks he has some sort of right to come into your house and is being unfairly treated if he can't, he's just living in a fantasy. I do hope both your son and your daughter have pointed out to him that not being able to go into someone else's house doesn't make him a prisoner.

Gingernaut · 03/12/2023 21:19

SausageAndEggSandwich · 03/12/2023 19:38

Police.

And tell your son that unless his dad stops hassling you, he will need to find somewhere else to live.

This

Your son is allowing your ex's harassment of you.

Change the locks.

Don't give your son any spares.

YANBU

MayThe4th · 03/12/2023 21:19

AI has a lot to answer for.

Vinrouge4 · 03/12/2023 21:23

SausageAndEggSandwich · 03/12/2023 19:38

Police.

And tell your son that unless his dad stops hassling you, he will need to find somewhere else to live.

Great advice

FairFuming · 03/12/2023 21:27

What do your kids think about this situation? Of course you aren't being unreasonable! Don't let him dictate where you can go on your own property though! He sounds very emotionally abusive

MayThe4th · 03/12/2023 21:28

So where’s the OP’s other thread?

CandyLeBonBon · 03/12/2023 21:32

What have I just read? 😱

Gcsunnyside23 · 03/12/2023 21:35

This can't be real. There's no way you didn't react to him being in your house uninvited and your son letting him ban you from the other property. If it is real get your son to turf him out or he goes too

Littlewhitecat · 03/12/2023 21:36

I'm baffled.
A man you are no longer married to, let himself into your house and got into bed?
And you are worried you're being mean?

AllAroundMyCat · 03/12/2023 21:37

Madness, otherwise unreal.

Solicitor tomorrow!

OfficerChurlish · 03/12/2023 21:43

Am I being unnecessarily unkind?

No; if anything you have been excessively kind and others have taken advantage. You let your ex live in a house you own (H2). Unless there's some massive backstory like there's no running water or plumbing in H2 and your son has always come to yours (H1) to shower, etc., then there's absolutely no reason for your ex to be in H1. And even if there WERE a reason, it should be by your invitation only.

What can I do?

Change the locks on H1 and tell your son not to give/lend the keys to his father or leave them where his father can access them. Tell both that as far as it's reasonably possible you will respect their privacy by not entering your other house (H2) without letting them know, but because you own and are responsible for the land and both houses there may be instances in which you will have to enter H2 without warning (e.g., if neither of them is home).

sesquipedalian · 03/12/2023 21:54

My ex is a CF - when I was first divorced, he would come to the house to pick up the children, and on one occasion when he thought I was out, he came in and was halfway up the stairs when I shouted at him to get the hell out. Get yourself some new keys - and make very plain to your son that your house is yours, and if you find your ex in it, you will be calling the police. As for “respecting” his wish that you shouldn’t go onto half of your own land - remind him who owns it, and that with ownership comes certain privileges. You are letting him get away with being a CF - don’t.

Isthisit22 · 03/12/2023 22:04

SmileitMightNeverHappen · 03/12/2023 19:46

I can't believe you're asking if you're unreasonable for not allowing your EX husband free access to your home. Are you serious?

This. The whole things is a ridiculous set up.
It sounds like your son is growing up to be a misogynist like his father.
dont let them both treat you so badly. How dare your son let his dad move into the house you own! Kick your ex out at least- maybe time your son found some respect for you and self-respect by getting kicked out and standing on his own two feet, too

jay55 · 03/12/2023 22:07

I don't understand why you didn't call the police the first time he entered your home uninvited.

askmenow · 03/12/2023 22:10

Are you in the UK??? Or is this a wind up?

It takes a level of commitment and determination to build two houses, (supposedly after you divorced) go through planning, commissioning, supervising and all the legalities involved in the UK.

Yet you let your son and ex walk all over you. How old is your son because he is enabling this wanker ex in abusing you.
These are your properties so they live by your rules. No ifs, buts, why's or wherefores
Time to set firm boundaries.

wildwestpioneer · 03/12/2023 22:15

Did I read that right, your son has told you you're not allowed on this land? It's your land ffs! You've been more than reasonable letting your ex move into a house you own (all be it your son lives there).

As for your house, change the locks and tell your ds what you've done, and that he won't need a key. If you need one in an emergency, put a key safe up outside and only give your ds the code in the emergency.