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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ex-husband pestering me about access to my house

127 replies

veganmeatballs · 03/12/2023 19:37

Hi! Not sure what to do in this situation, it's getting really tiring. I am also getting to point where I'm questioning whether I might be unreasonable and unkind. I don't think I am, but I'm trying to keep the peace for the sake of my son.

I have a land that I split in two, on which I built two houses (all in my name, and built after our divorce).

I live on half of the land, my adult son lives on the other half in the other house.
He invited his dad (my ex) to live with him, to which I didn't object.
Shortly after moving in, ex started coming into my house with son's spare keys, at random moments of the day, without letting me know, and basically treated the house like his. I'd come home to him laying on the sofa watching tv and laying in bed.
I told him to let me know when he wanted to visit and to not just pop in whenever without warning.

He didn't like that, spoke to my son, and decided that I wasn't allowed on my son's part of the land (also solely in my name).
I have respected that. But since then, he has been complaining to my son as well as my daughter who lives abroad about it all, calling the situation ridiculous, saying he is like an inmate stuck in prison.
He's constantly pestering me about it. Threatening me that "the situation will be solved in the next couple of months" whatever that means.

What can I do? Am I being unnecessarily unkind?
Thank you

OP posts:
DomPom47 · 03/12/2023 20:05

Psychoticbreak · 03/12/2023 19:41

Change the locks, do not give spare to your son and tell your son he will be leaving if your ex comes onto your property again. Get a ring doorbell or cctv and let the police know every time he is there.

This!

LifeExperience · 03/12/2023 20:05

Time to grow a backbone. Change the locks on your house and don't give a key to your son.

If the ex comes around, call the police.

lesdeluges · 03/12/2023 20:06

Do you still have feelings for him OP?

If not, I cannot believe you could be questioning yourself over his illegal incursions.

The problem lies with the fact that your house where your son resides is next door, and you agreed that ex could live there. Mistake, big mistake I feel, unless you wanted the ex to be close by.

bombastix · 03/12/2023 20:08

What a pest this man is. Stop indulging him. He is doing the equivalent of Tom cat, pissing all over your property.

Tell your son the ex is not welcome. Change the locks, and set a literal boundary.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 03/12/2023 20:10

ChubbyMorticia · 03/12/2023 19:55

I’m baffled.

Your ex broke and entered your home (that he had your son’s key doesn’t negate breaking and entering, he had no right to be there). He then BANNED you from property YOU OWN, and you not only ACCEPTED it, but wonder if you’re in the wrong?

Seriously?!

Tell your son that he gets his father off YOUR property ASAP or you’re taking legal action. And if you need to take it to court, you’ll get an eviction notice for him as well.

⬆️⬆️⬆️ THIS

But also, what does your son says about it?

LimeCheesecake · 03/12/2023 20:16

You need to speak to your son. Be clear with him that if his “housemate” can’t be trusted to not try to enter into your home without permission, then the housemate needs to leave. If your son doesn’t like this, you’ll ask him to leave too and you’ll rent the house to other tenants who have nothing to do with you.

Wimpeyspread · 03/12/2023 20:19

Change the locks, do not give your son a set of keys

Lovingitallnow · 03/12/2023 20:20

What does your dh say about it?

2jacqi · 03/12/2023 20:24

@veganmeatballs to be honest I wonder about the stupidity of some people!!!! who would allow their son to invite their mother;s ex to live in the house which is owned by the mother?? and how many mothers would ever accept this???? and then how many people would not phone the police immediately they found their ex in their house or in a bed in their house without allowing them entry to said house??? Are people on here just too soft or too stupid and scared to say anything??????

Shinyandnew1 · 03/12/2023 20:26

How bizarre! Have you spoken to your son about this-how does he feel about your ex speaking to you in this way?

Tinkerbyebye · 03/12/2023 20:27
  1. change your locks and do not give a key to your son
  2. Tell the police so they have a record
  3. if you still own the house your son lives in you tell him that, and that you can come onto your lane whenever you want so he needs to explain that to his father
  4. if his father does not stop bothering you he will need to leave your house, that you let your son live in
lesdeluges · 03/12/2023 20:28

I think OP wants him back.

Pompom2367 · 03/12/2023 20:29

Evict him

PragmaticWench · 03/12/2023 20:29

I'd be concerned that if he's living in, what is legally, your property then he could make a claim that you support him financially. If your financial settlement isn't watertight then that could leave you open to a mess. He sounds the type to try a shitty legal claim. I'd get some legal advice.

Plonkdropdown · 03/12/2023 20:31

Is your personal paperwork in your home locked away or has he access when he violates you by helping himself to your privacy and property?
Check everything and store paperwork away from home if you can. Best wishes OP.

Zanatdy · 03/12/2023 20:43

He needs to leave, he’s totally out of order

Angelsrose · 03/12/2023 20:44

So bizarre and potentially dangerous. What if he had a violent plan and was lying in wait for you in your own property? Be very careful and do not underestimate the capacity for people to be ruthless and cruel. When you start accepting ridiculous and wrong behaviour, some very upsetting consequences can occur. Please be sensible and ask yourself would your ex accept the same behaviour from you?

Gymmum82 · 03/12/2023 20:46

Please tell me you got a clean break financial order when you divorced? Because if not he can come after half of your properties even if you bought them after the divorce

Dery · 03/12/2023 20:48

“I’m baffled.

Your ex broke and entered your home (that he had your son’s key doesn’t negate breaking and entering, he had no right to be there). He then BANNED you from property YOU OWN, and you not only ACCEPTED it, but wonder if you’re in the wrong?

Seriously?!

Tell your son that he gets his father off YOUR property ASAP or you’re taking legal action. And if you need to take it to court, you’ll get an eviction notice for him as well.”

This.

StaunchMomma · 03/12/2023 20:49

What you can do is have some balls and tell your son that if he doesn't bring his Dad into line he will have to leave and if sone refuses then I'd let him go, too.

Sometimes you have to put your foot down hard to make loved ones see just how poorly they've been treating you.

This is your land and they are both your houses - you shouldn't be putting up with shit from someone who isn't even a part of your life anymore and your DS should be doing more to have your back.

The fact that you have to come here and even question whether YOU are being 'unkind' when you are allowing him to live on your land AND being regularly verbally abused by him tells us a lot about how you are treated in the family, OP.

TaytoCheeseandOnion · 03/12/2023 20:50

Threads like this baffle me. Apparently v capable woman (can get out of divorce with enough resources and hutzpah to build not one but two houses) but seems not to know what to do when she comes home and finds her ex watching her TV. It really isn't rocket science.

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/12/2023 20:51

Change the locks and have stern words with your son, he is enabling your ex to abuse you.

SisterMichaelsHabit · 03/12/2023 20:52

Stop being so floppy!

SisterMichaelsHabit · 03/12/2023 20:53

Lovingitallnow · 03/12/2023 20:20

What does your dh say about it?

Where did you invent a DH from?!

JoyeuxNarwhal · 03/12/2023 20:55

If you can't get the keys back then change the locks at least.