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Original poster

ex-husband pestering me about access to my house

127 replies

veganmeatballs · 03/12/2023 19:37

Hi! Not sure what to do in this situation, it's getting really tiring. I am also getting to point where I'm questioning whether I might be unreasonable and unkind. I don't think I am, but I'm trying to keep the peace for the sake of my son.

I have a land that I split in two, on which I built two houses (all in my name, and built after our divorce).

I live on half of the land, my adult son lives on the other half in the other house.
He invited his dad (my ex) to live with him, to which I didn't object.
Shortly after moving in, ex started coming into my house with son's spare keys, at random moments of the day, without letting me know, and basically treated the house like his. I'd come home to him laying on the sofa watching tv and laying in bed.
I told him to let me know when he wanted to visit and to not just pop in whenever without warning.

He didn't like that, spoke to my son, and decided that I wasn't allowed on my son's part of the land (also solely in my name).
I have respected that. But since then, he has been complaining to my son as well as my daughter who lives abroad about it all, calling the situation ridiculous, saying he is like an inmate stuck in prison.
He's constantly pestering me about it. Threatening me that "the situation will be solved in the next couple of months" whatever that means.

What can I do? Am I being unnecessarily unkind?
Thank you

OP posts:
agent765 · 03/12/2023 22:15

No, no, NO!

Change the locks to an app access electronic lock so that you can change the access code if your son needs access at any point.

Get legal advice and a letter to him.

Protect yourself. You divorced for a reason. He needs to leave you alone and stop harassing you.

Ionlylikedityesterday · 03/12/2023 22:19

I would just get legal advice. Also have you got a written contract regarding your son living in your second home. I would be getting legal advice about that too to ensure that your ex cannot get rights to it after staying there for a certain length of time. I don’t know anything legal at all but I would advise getting advice from someone with the correct knowledge.

StripeyDeckchair · 03/12/2023 22:20

You need to protect yourself legally here.
Get a rental agreement drawn up between yourself & your son - peppercorn rent is fine - but it needs to have absolutely clarity about ownership, who pays for what & the status of anyone who might live in the property with your son, whether as a partner, friend or tenant. In it state that inhabitants of this house have no right of access to your home without your express consent on each occasion.

It immediately ensures that Ex is put in his place & any misbehaviour on his part can be addressed.

Merryoldgoat · 03/12/2023 22:23

I honestly have no idea how this kind of madness happens. People on here baffle me,

bloodyeffinnora · 03/12/2023 22:27

this has got to be a windup

Codlingmoths · 03/12/2023 22:28

Your adult son thinks it fine to get his dad to live free on your property without consulting you? Is he a lot like his dad? Entitled and thinks you are his service human? As others say, change the locks, do not give son a key and get a legal letter for adult son explaining you deeply regret this but if his guest continues to harass you he will be banned, and if he needs to move out to make this happen then that is what will happen. You didn’t divorce the fucker for him to move into your lap with you paying for it.

Zonder · 03/12/2023 22:28

Why is your son giving him the keys? Start with that question.

tachycardigan · 03/12/2023 22:37

Far from being unkind, I think you’ve been remarkably restrained to the point of being passive and doormatty.

I would tell son that ex can no longer live there and needs to move out by Saturday!

MsDogLady · 03/12/2023 22:38

…and basically treated the house like his. I’d come home to him laying on the sofa watching tv and laying in the bed.

@veganmeatballs, you recently wrote a thread about your current Husband. How is he handling your intrusive, demanding Ex acting like he owns the place?

Ex is a contemptuous bully who wants to control you and your property. Why on earth are you complying with his orders to not step foot on your other land and house? Personally, I would no longer allow him to live there, as he is abusive, threatening and pestering.

In the other thread you mentioned going away during Christmas and New Year’s. You must change your locks asap. Do not give your son a key, as Ex will take it and use it or will make a copy.

@veganmeatballs, please take legal action to remove this thug from your other property. If your son objects, he also needs to go.

KombuchaKalling · 03/12/2023 22:42

I can see why he’s your ex-husband. Has he always been so entitled, rude and domineering. The bit about him lying on your sofa is especially extra. He does know your are divorced right?!

Nicole1111 · 03/12/2023 22:46

Change the locks, get a ring door bell, ask the police to record what has happened and communicate to your son that you have done so and if you catch his father attempting to break or enter your property again you will call the police and he will need to evict his father, and if he doesn’t do that he will also be evicted. That is YOUR land, YOUR home and YOUR safe space. No one has the right to take that from you, especially when you sound very generous in regards to your son’s living arrangements.

Cherrysoup · 03/12/2023 22:48

Why is he coming into your house and saying he is going to take action? You can kick him off the land/houses, they’re yours and he has no right to be there. Your son cannot him live there if you say no. He certainly can’t come into your house. What has your son said?

altmember · 03/12/2023 22:51

Take back your son's keys to your house. If needs be, tell your son that he's in breach of his tenancy by allowing your ex to live there.

Presumably your ex also has some decent assets of his own post divorce - he doesn't need to be living with your son in what is legally your property?

Snowdogsmitten · 03/12/2023 22:52

Sorry, what?!

Why are you putting up with this? It’s insane. He has no right to be anywhere. What on earth is he playing at?

And why are you worrying about being ‘unnecessarily unkind’ to a man you’re no longer married to and who randomly let himself into your home, likely rummaged through your stuff and slept in your bed?!!

You have all the power here. Get him gone.

2jacqi · 03/12/2023 22:54

@veganmeatballs annoying as hell!!! one post at 19.37pm on 3rd december and by 22.53pm had not made another comment or answered one question by posters since original post!!!! is op even real??

ThankYoufortheDay · 03/12/2023 22:54

Have you got a husband and an ex-husband? Is that why this doesn’t make sense?

TeaGinandFags · 03/12/2023 22:56

As others have said:

Change locks immediately.

Don't give your DS a key. Have a talk and explain that his father has been taking liberties.

CCTV and cameras on doorbell.

Call police and make a complaint about breaking and entering. Keep a log on when ex tries to gain entry.

See a solicitor PDQ.

mathanxiety · 03/12/2023 23:16

ChubbyMorticia · 03/12/2023 19:55

I’m baffled.

Your ex broke and entered your home (that he had your son’s key doesn’t negate breaking and entering, he had no right to be there). He then BANNED you from property YOU OWN, and you not only ACCEPTED it, but wonder if you’re in the wrong?

Seriously?!

Tell your son that he gets his father off YOUR property ASAP or you’re taking legal action. And if you need to take it to court, you’ll get an eviction notice for him as well.

This.

You need to change the locks on your house first. Don't give your DS a spare key.

Then make a point of going to the other half of your property and even letting yourself into the house you own there where your son lives.

Make sure you have a copy of the deeds in your pocket so you can wave it in front of your ex if/when he tries to throw you out.

Does your son pay you rent?
Does he have a lease?

I'd put it to him that he needs to sign a lease and pay a peppercorn rent to you. The lease can state that only he can live in the house or occupy the property (in case exH rocks up with a caravan or a tent).

Copperoliverbear · 03/12/2023 23:19

Exactly what @SausageAndEggSandwich said.
He's a bully I presume this is why you divorced him.

Copperoliverbear · 03/12/2023 23:21

Also change the locks and don't give son a key.

tara66 · 03/12/2023 23:24

Set him straight or is he very stupid? What part of 'divorce' doesn't he understand?
Further more inform him and your Dc that both houses and the land they are on belong to YOU. Any one occupying either houses needs YOUR permission - which you do not give to your ex.
Do they want to see copies of the Deed and copy of the divorce papers?
Have they forgotten what the realities of the situation are?
If so spell it out in big letters on a white board if necessary.
Honestly OP do get a grip!

saraclara · 03/12/2023 23:28

Who owns/paid for your son's house?

I can only join the choir to say that you need to change the barrel of your locks. It's easy enough, just a five minute DIY job for most locks. And don't give your son a key.

Alternatively invest in a digital front door lock that doesn't need a key, but has a digital combination that you can change as often as you like. Then, if there's an emergency you can give your son the combination and change it afterwards.

Dillane · 03/12/2023 23:31

SausageAndEggSandwich · 03/12/2023 19:38

Police.

And tell your son that unless his dad stops hassling you, he will need to find somewhere else to live.

This

Don’t put up with this nonsense.

PickAChew · 03/12/2023 23:38

Have you read the responses, @veganmeatballs ?

MsDogLady · 03/12/2023 23:40

Where have you gone, @veganmeatballs?

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