Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ex-husband pestering me about access to my house

127 replies

veganmeatballs · 03/12/2023 19:37

Hi! Not sure what to do in this situation, it's getting really tiring. I am also getting to point where I'm questioning whether I might be unreasonable and unkind. I don't think I am, but I'm trying to keep the peace for the sake of my son.

I have a land that I split in two, on which I built two houses (all in my name, and built after our divorce).

I live on half of the land, my adult son lives on the other half in the other house.
He invited his dad (my ex) to live with him, to which I didn't object.
Shortly after moving in, ex started coming into my house with son's spare keys, at random moments of the day, without letting me know, and basically treated the house like his. I'd come home to him laying on the sofa watching tv and laying in bed.
I told him to let me know when he wanted to visit and to not just pop in whenever without warning.

He didn't like that, spoke to my son, and decided that I wasn't allowed on my son's part of the land (also solely in my name).
I have respected that. But since then, he has been complaining to my son as well as my daughter who lives abroad about it all, calling the situation ridiculous, saying he is like an inmate stuck in prison.
He's constantly pestering me about it. Threatening me that "the situation will be solved in the next couple of months" whatever that means.

What can I do? Am I being unnecessarily unkind?
Thank you

OP posts:
SausageAndEggSandwich · 03/12/2023 19:38

Police.

And tell your son that unless his dad stops hassling you, he will need to find somewhere else to live.

wineoclock90 · 03/12/2023 19:39

YANBU he shouldn't just be letting himself in to your home. That's out of order x

Itsaselectionbox · 03/12/2023 19:39

'I'm sorry you feel that way, as that's how you feel it makes sense that you find somewhere else to live.'

ApolloandDaphne · 03/12/2023 19:39

He absolutely should not be coming into your house! What does your DS say about it? I would be tempted to change the locks to make sure no one has keys to get in.

Epidote · 03/12/2023 19:40

They are your houses and your land. If he doesn't respect it he can leave and live somewhere else so your son if take part on it.

Psychoticbreak · 03/12/2023 19:41

Change the locks, do not give spare to your son and tell your son he will be leaving if your ex comes onto your property again. Get a ring doorbell or cctv and let the police know every time he is there.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 03/12/2023 19:42

What? In what world would you ever think you might be being unkind?

What the fuck is he on about 'being like an inmate in prison?

Time for him to fuck off methinks.

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 03/12/2023 19:43

You did het a 'clean break' financial order on divorce didn't you op?

Elieza · 03/12/2023 19:44

I think you need to change the locks and tell your son not to give him access to his key. And tell him he’s not allowed in your house. End of.

Also take legal advice because if he’s in your (or indeed your son’s) house all the time it may do something to enable him to claim somehow that he’s entitled to something?

This may be utter bollocks and there is no way in hell he can manipulate this situation to his advantage but I’d not trust advice on a website whatever people say on here. I’d ask a lawyer.

He’s a total chancer. Why can’t he get a house of his own. Does your son really want him there or does he feel sorry and has no choice?

SmileitMightNeverHappen · 03/12/2023 19:46

I can't believe you're asking if you're unreasonable for not allowing your EX husband free access to your home. Are you serious?

thedamnseason · 03/12/2023 19:49

Psychoticbreak · 03/12/2023 19:41

Change the locks, do not give spare to your son and tell your son he will be leaving if your ex comes onto your property again. Get a ring doorbell or cctv and let the police know every time he is there.

This. It takes the responsibility away from the son for keeping the key away from him.

Trinity69 · 03/12/2023 19:49

This whole post has me questioning my sanity.
Absolutely no way your ex husband should be allowed in your house at all unless invited. Is living in one of your properties not enough for him…..why on earth should he have free run of both properties?!
Also, they’re both your properties…if you want to go on the neighbouring land that your son lives on then you can and should!

Orangeteatime · 03/12/2023 19:49

Of course your ex should never be in your house! This is awful way to control you.

IncompleteSenten · 03/12/2023 19:49

I think you need to remind your ex whose house he's living in and whose land it's built on and that he needs to respect that or things will not end well for him.

Do you think your son could have told him he owns the land and houses?

haribosmarties · 03/12/2023 19:50

Omg time to assert some boundaries here.
Bare in mind your young adult children will love him because he's their father and they do not have the life experience or distance from the situation to see how unfair it is on you.
This does not make them right or mean you have to let this man walk all over you.
Change the locks on your house and do not give your DS keys.
If your ex persists with his bullshit evict him.
I'm not joking
What claim does he actually have on the property? Does he pay you rent? Did he financially contribute to the property?
Putting down boundaries now may make everyone complain, because they aren't used to it and they will say you are the villain but I'm telling you that anyone not directly involved in this situation would tell you he's absolutely ridiculous.
Let them be pissed off with you for a while. You need to stop letting him walk all over you and letting your son think that's OK or in any way reasonable for his dad to do that

PurpleSparkledPixie · 03/12/2023 19:50

MyLadyTheKingsMother · 03/12/2023 19:43

You did het a 'clean break' financial order on divorce didn't you op?

This. If you haven't had your financial split rubber stamped by the court then it's his asset too.

Have you gifted the other house to your son or do you still own it and could legally evict him/both?

Changingplace · 03/12/2023 19:53

Does he not understand that you own both properties and all the land?

Tell him he needs to find somewhere else to live, he’s ridiculous.

daytriptovulcan · 03/12/2023 19:53

He is being massively offensive, provocative and controlling. Could you bring your son over to your house, and rent the other one out?...that might get rid of him.

ChubbyMorticia · 03/12/2023 19:55

I’m baffled.

Your ex broke and entered your home (that he had your son’s key doesn’t negate breaking and entering, he had no right to be there). He then BANNED you from property YOU OWN, and you not only ACCEPTED it, but wonder if you’re in the wrong?

Seriously?!

Tell your son that he gets his father off YOUR property ASAP or you’re taking legal action. And if you need to take it to court, you’ll get an eviction notice for him as well.

Lilibert456 · 03/12/2023 19:55

Change the locks asap. Make sure the only person with keys is yourself. Tell your son that if the situation continues he will be looking for somewhere else to live Can't believe that you would put up with this behaviour for one second.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 03/12/2023 19:57

Seriously…that sounds like a potential death threat. Please take it seriously.

SausageinaBun · 03/12/2023 19:58

I'd get legal advice about him living in the house you own, but your son lives in. Does he have a tenancy agreement and pay rent?

Rainbowshit · 03/12/2023 20:02

Bloody hell. How fiuckng creepy that he thought he had a right to get into a bed in your house.

Change the locks as a bare minimum. If I were you I'd be trying to get him out of your son's house.

hellsBells246 · 03/12/2023 20:04

ChubbyMorticia · 03/12/2023 19:55

I’m baffled.

Your ex broke and entered your home (that he had your son’s key doesn’t negate breaking and entering, he had no right to be there). He then BANNED you from property YOU OWN, and you not only ACCEPTED it, but wonder if you’re in the wrong?

Seriously?!

Tell your son that he gets his father off YOUR property ASAP or you’re taking legal action. And if you need to take it to court, you’ll get an eviction notice for him as well.

this.

cheeky fucker

SunshineAndFizz · 03/12/2023 20:04

You're not being unkind or unreasonable.

Next time he mentions being in prison tell him he's free to leave YOUR property wherever he likes and that it would be preferable for all.

And definitely change the locks and don't give your son a key.