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Original poster

No one actually "needs" sex

471 replies

namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 05:33

Out with the girls last night and my friends talked about the "need" for sex which I can't fathom. It's obviously not a genuine need like air and food.

Clearly if you're ttc, then yes, you need sex. But that's the only situation it would be essential otherwise it's not exactly for survival is it?!

My dh and I (43 and 35) dtd maybe 4-6 times a year. He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me. Three kids including a toddler, a dog, both work full time, up at 4.30/5, sleep comes first every single time.

Do others really see it as a need?!

OP posts:
Lookingoutside · 03/12/2023 14:06

’And yes, I could happily ignore the few times a year but do it for his sake.’

See you on here when you eventually suspect he’s ’messaging a woman at work’ or whatever.

GoingOffOnATangent · 03/12/2023 14:11

Yeah, I don't quite get the 'it's never talked about' part.
Every aspect of life should have a little conversational airing now and again, to check in on each other and stay united and understand one another. Things that are off the table (as it were) tend to be where connection is lost and then you drift apart, super gradually, and it can be hard to come back from that.
Even if the checking in, involves a 'ok, we're all good' conclusion.

harerunner · 03/12/2023 14:12

namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 06:52

Our relationship is perfectly healthy with limited, infrequent sex. We don't need it to have a good relationship. There's a lot more to marriage than sex. It's me with the low drive so he doesn't nag me for it.

Are you completely sure he agrees with you? You're happy with infrequent. If he was 100% honest, I doubt he is.

He may be ok of course, but he probably just tolerates it - i know I just "tolerated"!it when the frequency of sex dropped in my marriage (though not quite to your levels!)

I wonder how many women who are perfectly happy with very little sex and think everything is fine in their marriages, get blindsided when their DH has an affair!

FatFatMary · 03/12/2023 14:14

I don’t think it’s a good idea to say op should have more sex with her husband if she isn’t going to enjoy it

Arou · 03/12/2023 14:17

I need sex to stay in a relationship. Everyone is different but I would find a life without it colourless and like a life without an essential texture or zest. It would be like sleeping with a roommate who pays half the mortgage.

As a woman who has been in a sexless relationship I can tell you that being with a partner who does not desire was torture - even when everything else was ‘good’ it was enough to end it and I have no regrets. I am so glad to be in one where we are on the same page.

Life is too short to be in a relationship that makes you feel like you’re forcing yourself to live in a way that makes you feel trapped - whether that’s in a sexless marriage or in a marriage where you feel like you have to have sex and hate it. You can live without sex but for a lot of people it is on the hierarchy of needs if that makes sense.

Mummymummy89 · 03/12/2023 14:47

FatFatMary · 03/12/2023 14:14

I don’t think it’s a good idea to say op should have more sex with her husband if she isn’t going to enjoy it

No one has said this. We've said she needs to talk with her dh about it

HerMammy · 03/12/2023 14:48

In earlier years he said he'd like it more but never nagged me and now doesn't mention it
sounds like he's had no choice or discussion and has had to accept his lot.

Lookingoutside · 03/12/2023 14:58

’I don’t think it’s a good idea to say op should have more sex with her husband if she isn’t going to enjoy it.’

She shouldn’t. No one should have sex they don’t want.

’I wonder how many women who are perfectly happy with very little sex and think everything is fine in their marriages, get blindsided when their DH has an affair!’

Hundreds and hundreds.

category12 · 03/12/2023 15:03

namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 13:53

And yes, I could happily ignore the few times a year but do it for his sake.

How depressing for him.

category12 · 03/12/2023 15:04

And also I think it's pretty awful to have sex for someone's sake not because you want to.

OhHowTheDogsStackUp · 03/12/2023 15:21

namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 13:52

Wow I didn't expect so many replies and for it to cause such a stir! Interesting mixed bag of opinions though.

For those who have commented / suggested that it's sad we have irregular sex, I've always had a low sex drive so my husband (together 13 years) knows no different. It's not like it changed suddenly after kids, though it probably did lower further. I'm not on hormonal contraceptive or any medication that could affect it, it's just me!

My husband doesn't comment on it. Last time was Halloween! Before that July / August I think. In earlier years he said he'd like it more but never nagged me and now doesn't mention it. We have intimacy through hugs on the sofa, we hold hands, hello/goodbye kisses etc. All fine Smile

The only other married couple I know in a similar situation, the husband is well on to his third affair.

They don't talk about sex either. He gave up trying a long time ago. It's pointless because she doesn't want to and it's not going to change.

I don't think he especially wants to be having affairs, but he loves her and doesn't want to leave her. So this is how he manages to stay.

I can't really summon up much judgement towards him. I think he's a bit of a sap for staying, but I dare say his situation isn't unusual, now or historically.

Comedycook · 03/12/2023 15:34

Lookingoutside · 03/12/2023 14:06

’And yes, I could happily ignore the few times a year but do it for his sake.’

See you on here when you eventually suspect he’s ’messaging a woman at work’ or whatever.

Exactly.

You sound awfully complacent op. Don't take your husband's fidelity for granted.

Janiie · 03/12/2023 15:43

namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 13:53

And yes, I could happily ignore the few times a year but do it for his sake.

Op you're being very naive.

No, no one 'needs' sex, but it is an important part of a healthy relationship otherwise you may as well just be friends.

Showing someone you are attracted to them, that you want them physically is a good thing!

Find a way to enjoy sex, take some responsibility. You of course shouldn't have to do it for 'his sake' but nor should he have to be with someone who does it for his sake.

Just be careful. He might smile and nod now but you are young, he may well come across someone who fancies him then your forced sessions a couple of times a year may well not be very appealing to him anymore.

Eleganz · 03/12/2023 15:46

Like many aspects of relationships, the important thing is to be on the same page about sex as your partner even if that means agreeing to a reasonable compromise. Otherwise you have an incompatibility that will probably be fatal to the relationship in one way or another.

All this talk of "need" and making assumptions about others relationships is a bit pointless really. If sex is a problem for one person in a relationship it is a problem for the relationship.

It should go without saying that no-one should have sex they genuine don't want or put up with abusive behaviour. If you are in a relationship where you don't want to have sex with your partner but they want to have sex with you and are not happy about it - that relationship is in trouble.

DixonD · 03/12/2023 15:48

I do! 😁

I guess it just depends on so many factors, but subjectively speaking, I need it.

PieAndLattes · 03/12/2023 15:56

You don’t need sex in the same way that you don’t need to exercise, eat healthy food, get good quality sleep, have a job you enjoy, have friends, etc. but separately and together they make life more pleasant, happier, healthier, calmer, energizing, comforting, etc. The proviso, again like anything else, is that it’s good quality sex where you find positive pleasure in the closeness and intimacy and have good quality orgasms. It also has a whole host of relationship benefits - mostly because you are more motivated to resolve difficulties with someone when you want to have sex with them 😁

Janiie · 03/12/2023 15:58

It'd like saying we don't need to talk to our partners, to chat to share thoughts and feelings. Nope we don't need to do that! just a quick wave as you go to work then an evening recap over who's putting the bins out. Lovely.

Original poster
namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 16:29

Ok fairpojnt that maybe m, eventually my husband will get fed up, but as I said, he's known me to be this way since the day we met. I haven't suddenly changed. We were never "at it like rabbits" at the start. Waited until I'd known him about 4 months before anything happened and then it was sparse and infrequent from the get go. He can't be surprised, nor can he assume I'll change when he's literally never known different.

OP posts:
GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 16:31

Comedycook · 03/12/2023 15:34

Exactly.

You sound awfully complacent op. Don't take your husband's fidelity for granted.

Show quote history

What a bizarre post.

If the OP’s husband is unhappy with the amount of sex, he can always raise the topic for discussion.

Or end the relationship, if sex is the most important thing to him.

Defaulting to him having an affair, as if that’s the only avenue available to him?

gotmychristmasmiracle · 03/12/2023 16:42

Yes I need sex, f40

Pinkbonbon · 03/12/2023 16:43

I don't know how people can be arsed unless they really, really fancy the person tbh. Sex for the sake of sex just seems like a mechanical pointlessness.

My sex drive only really appears if I'm smitten by a hottie. And for some reason occasionally when I travel (Things like being crammed up against other people on the tube maybe or being in a hot country where everyone's a little light on clothes... might stir things up a bit for me).

It's a wonder to me that some people onviously just walk around with those urges 24/7. I still wouldn't describe them as a 'need' though.

HunterBidensBurnerPhone · 03/12/2023 16:50

It's natural to want sex, but no one is entitled to sex.

I make the distinction because I see 'but sex is a basic neeeeeeed' trotted out all the time as justification for men using prostitutes and I just don't agree that it is.

Janiie · 03/12/2023 16:55

namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 16:29

Ok fairpojnt that maybe m, eventually my husband will get fed up, but as I said, he's known me to be this way since the day we met. I haven't suddenly changed. We were never "at it like rabbits" at the start. Waited until I'd known him about 4 months before anything happened and then it was sparse and infrequent from the get go. He can't be surprised, nor can he assume I'll change when he's literally never known different.

Yes but people change, they get bored if they have a partner who won't even make an effort.

He maybe knew what he was signing up for bit quite possibly could, at some point, think nah this forced twice a year thing is soul destroying and boring.

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 17:05

Janiie · 03/12/2023 16:55

Yes but people change, they get bored if they have a partner who won't even make an effort.

He maybe knew what he was signing up for bit quite possibly could, at some point, think nah this forced twice a year thing is soul destroying and boring.

Show quote history

So the solution would be have an affair / get it outside the marriage?

Not talk about it?

Janiie · 03/12/2023 17:10

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 17:05

So the solution would be have an affair / get it outside the marriage?

Not talk about it?

Show quote history

Well yes you'd think the op would have a chat with him but she doesn't seem bothered. Just almost proud of doing it for his sake twice a year.

I doubt many people would be happy with this situation for long.