No one actually "needs" sex

[namechangedforthisone35]

Out with the girls last night and my friends talked about the "need" for sex which I can't fathom. It's obviously not a genuine need like air and food.

Clearly if you're ttc, then yes, you need sex. But that's the only situation it would be essential otherwise it's not exactly for survival is it?!

My dh and I (43 and 35) dtd maybe 4-6 times a year. He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me. Three kids including a toddler, a dog, both work full time, up at 4.30/5, sleep comes first every single time.

Do others really see it as a need?!

So why have any sex at all then?

I know they do! FFS I am curious if the people on this thread would do that.

In my opinion if you will cheat or bin off a marriage if someone can’t have sex any more then your marriage is a shit one. It should be perfectly possible to
achieve closeness and intimacy without it- that’s what people need.

@namechangedforthisone35

yeah OP, if it’s so unnecessary and superfluous for you both and your relationship, why bother at all?

In my opinion if you will cheat or bin off a marriage if someone can’t have sex any more then your marriage is a shit one.

But that's very different situation to the OP's. She's just lost interest/can't be bothered, and her partner has to lump it. It's a very unilateral decision, ie.

I don't think that it has to do with high or low sex drive. If sex is linked to a decision, if it is linked to morals it cannot be a need. Even if we say that there are different level of need, Maslow puts it on the very first level it is not consistent with what we are experiencing at the society level. Since we have decided that we can choose to reproduce or not sex cannot be a need.

But the word 'need' doesn't mean you will die without it. When you talk about that kind of need, you need to add more words : "I need it to survive". Similarly, we can say "I need it to be healthy" or happy, or "I need it to be fully satisfied long term".

There is a huge spectrum of need. The word basically means: require (something) because it is essential or very important rather than just desirable.

For me, sex definitely qualifies at this stage of my life.

I don't think your view is unusual at all.
I see where you're coming from, sex in a long term relationship isn't about that 'gripped by urgent raw need to tear each others clothes off as soon as look at you' energy, that you have at the start (though we have those moments).
But what you lose in animal energy you gain in deep knowledge, trust and understanding of each other, which to be honest allows you to open up more, make yourself be more vulnerable, so allows for richer levels of sexual connection... So I don't think it's damage limitation, just a different vibe. If you're doing it right and both of you can be bothered to look for it.

@Tonto37 and for what it's worth DH takes the same view (it would be hard to achieve it alone, let's face it 🤣).

One won't die without sex, no, but your relationship might.

There are hundreds of thousands of people complaining about their dead beadrooms on platforms such as reddit, whether their partners are aware or not.

4 - 6 times A YEAR op!? Blimey. I guess it’s how you define ‘need’ - clearly no one is going to die without sex, but a lot of us would consider it a need/very important, especially as part of a loving relationship.

What you’re talking about here is intimacy.

Something you should be able to get outside if sex tbh. I’d even go as far as saying that intimacy outside of sex is even more important in a LT relationship
(but yes intimacy during sex and outside if sex can feed into each other)

No I’ve been single a few years and I don’t care about it. It gets suppressed after a while.

@LeRougeEtLeNoir not sure what your point is?
Great sex+intimacy = ✅
Intimacy when not having sex = ✅

The sex is still sex though. 🤷🏾

It may not be an essential need but it's one of the highest possible wants imo.

A relationship without sex isn't a fulfilling relationship for me. It just isn't.

It's also not just an emotional need, as I can perfectly happy to have sex without emotion. It's a physical desire.

It's similar to mental stimulation for me. It's something my brain desires in order to feel satisfied, like friendship, good company, laughter, etc. Yes, I can live without it but I'm not as relaxed and content without it.

What I don't understand is why do you bother at all of you don't enough it? 4/5 times, is that just because your DH enjoys it?

Wow I didn't expect so many replies and for it to cause such a stir! Interesting mixed bag of opinions though.

For those who have commented / suggested that it's sad we have irregular sex, I've always had a low sex drive so my husband (together 13 years) knows no different. It's not like it changed suddenly after kids, though it probably did lower further. I'm not on hormonal contraceptive or any medication that could affect it, it's just me!

My husband doesn't comment on it. Last time was Halloween! Before that July / August I think. In earlier years he said he'd like it more but never nagged me and now doesn't mention it. We have intimacy through hugs on the sofa, we hold hands, hello/goodbye kisses etc. All fine

I think that in the ‘i need sex and it’s essential in a marriage’, you actually have different needs.

One is basic sex, the ‘animal’ type of need of getting an orgasm. Aka being horny. Also satisfied by masturbation (see also the stock answer about a man who wants sex and his partner who doesn’t - ‘You have a hand’). The physical need for sex varies a lot in time. It fades with time, as you get older, more tired etc….
Obviously, for women, who often experience substandard sex (see the fact many women dint get to orgasm every time they have sex…..), that side might be much less important than for men.

Another is about the need for touch. But that’s easily filled by having regular cuddles, just like children. Cuddling on the sofa, in bed. A hug.

And then there is intimacy. Again yes it makes sex much nicer, esp after years if marriage but you can and should get intimacy outside if the bedroom.

When women say that sex is essential to their marriage, I think they often refer to the last two points. But in reality, you can have sex frequently and only get point 2 (and one if you’re lucky). Hence the ‘my marriage is breaking down but we were still having sex regularly! I don’t understand’.

So before saying ‘sex is essential to a marriage’, I think we need to specify what kind of sex. Is it the ‘animal need’ type if sex, one you often get from a ONS?
Is it about touch? Intimacy?

And why is it that getting your need for touch or intimacy fulfilled through sex is somehow better than outside of sex?

And yes, I could happily ignore the few times a year but do it for his sake.

Next post from me might explain where I’m coming from.

I haven't had sex in 7 years (not through choice) so it isn't necessary it's a want not a need

I wouldn't want the sex if it was substandard, that is, if his satisfaction was the end goal and mine was irrelevant, it would be a chore then.
But, assuming it is good sex, the more you do it, the more you want it. 🎇

If I had enough food and a minimal amount of shelter, I could survive on a desert island with no friends, no clothes, no home, no-one to talk to, no partner, no sex, spending all day miserable and lonely. There are lots of things I don't technically need but that make life more bearable.
When I'm old enough not to be able to manage it any more then I'll at least have the memory of some fun times in bed.

I'm sure there are plenty of creature comforts that you would be extremely sorry to give up, that I'm perfectly happy doing without. People are different. I don't think that's unfathomable :)

Nobody has died from not having sex, so it's not a literal "need" like food and water.

However, it's a need like a job or friends. Yes, you can survive without it, some much more easily than others, but your life is the poorer for it.

Yep nearly 4 years for me after many years of being in relationships with a very active sex life.
It’s not what I would have chosen and if I met someone I’d get straight back on the saddle so to speak.

@LeRougeEtLeNoir And why is it that getting your need for touch or intimacy fulfilled through sex is somehow better than outside of sex?

I think some people just feel it is, but not everyone does.

All touches are lovely. Intimacy and good touches are always gorgeous.
That which happens during sex is a different variety than that which happens outside of sex...

Personally, I wouldn't want to go without either. A varied diet is always good, whether it's food, human connection, ways to spend your spare time, films you watch... You name it, variety is rarely bad.

I stronly suspect of you asked your husband, he really isn't satisfied with your sex life. None if my business really but things that don't get discussed often led to resentment. I would at least be having the conversation.