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Original poster

No one actually "needs" sex

471 replies

namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 05:33

Out with the girls last night and my friends talked about the "need" for sex which I can't fathom. It's obviously not a genuine need like air and food.

Clearly if you're ttc, then yes, you need sex. But that's the only situation it would be essential otherwise it's not exactly for survival is it?!

My dh and I (43 and 35) dtd maybe 4-6 times a year. He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me. Three kids including a toddler, a dog, both work full time, up at 4.30/5, sleep comes first every single time.

Do others really see it as a need?!

OP posts:
GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 17:11

The responses to this thread are 🤯

The OP is perfectly happy with the status quo.

She doesn’t want, nor need, more sex.

But she must either have more sex she doesn’t want, to keep her husband happy…

…or be the one to raise the issue, even though she doesn’t have an issue - just in case he has an issue. Because he clearly cannot be responsible for raising the issue, if he does have one - because he’s only a man.

And if she doesn’t do either of these things, his only avenue is to have an affair / get sex outside the marriage.

What am I reading - from actual grown women…..?

LolaSmiles · 03/12/2023 17:12

Some people seem to think / be arguing about
Need = entitled to
Need = will die without

Which are both bollocks

When the context of the original conversation was need = is important to me.
Agree
It's fine to have a low sex drive.
It's fine for anyone to decide that sex isn't important to them.
It's fine for someone to not want sex as part of a relationship.

I find the whole head tilty i don't understand what the big deal is, as if some people think it's needed in a relationship, surely there's more to a relationship than sex, you don't have to have sex so it isn't a need unless you're TTC to be bizarre.

It's really not that confusing that many people (both men and women) would want to be in a relationship with someone they're sexually compatible with.

gooddayruby · 03/12/2023 17:15

It's so important for connection and bonding throughout your entire life. I think a lot of women lose their sex drive because their sexual needs are never ever met, whereas husbands come every time. If you were truly 'serviced' (for want of a better word) every time, you'd have more to want and pull you back to that feeling.

Janiie · 03/12/2023 17:18

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 17:11

The responses to this thread are 🤯

The OP is perfectly happy with the status quo.

She doesn’t want, nor need, more sex.

But she must either have more sex she doesn’t want, to keep her husband happy…

…or be the one to raise the issue, even though she doesn’t have an issue - just in case he has an issue. Because he clearly cannot be responsible for raising the issue, if he does have one - because he’s only a man.

And if she doesn’t do either of these things, his only avenue is to have an affair / get sex outside the marriage.

What am I reading - from actual grown women…..?

The op is in a relationship. 2 people involved not just her.

Sex is, guess what, a perfectly normal and actually important part of a healthy relationship.

She is naive and complacent and needs to ask her poor dp if they really are happy with an annual 'doing it for his sake' shag.

Lookingoutside · 03/12/2023 17:20

’I think a lot of women lose their sex drive because their sexual needs are never ever met, whereas husbands come every time. If you were truly 'serviced' (for want of a better word) every time, you'd have more to want and pull you back to that feeling.’

Absolutely.

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 17:24

Janiie · 03/12/2023 17:18

The op is in a relationship. 2 people involved not just her.

Sex is, guess what, a perfectly normal and actually important part of a healthy relationship.

She is naive and complacent and needs to ask her poor dp if they really are happy with an annual 'doing it for his sake' shag.

Show quote history

Maybe your husband / partner is a man child, and can’t possibly be expected to speak up and use his voice if/when he’s unhappy, so you have to do all the emotional legwork.

But that isn’t the case for all partnerships.

Why are you putting all the onus on the OP to raise this, when she doesn’t have a problem? When maybe even he doesn’t have a problem?

But if he does have a problem, why should she have to be the one to raise it, and not him?

EarthaKittsVoice · 03/12/2023 17:24

To the people saying sex isn't a need and can't see what all the bother is - do you not like orgasms? Have you ever had one? If you have I can't understand how you would be fine with having sex a few times a year

StopStartStop · 03/12/2023 17:24

Hmm. I live alone so I can say from experience that sex is a want not a need.
But when you're with someone you fancy/love/care about... well, I worked out that the ideal would be 99 times a month.

gannett · 03/12/2023 17:29

I find the whole head tilty i don't understand what the big deal is, as if some people think it's needed in a relationship, surely there's more to a relationship than sex, you don't have to have sex so it isn't a need unless you're TTCto be bizarre.

Agreed, and it also irks me because it plays into the old myth that women's sexual desire doesn't exist - that sex is something only men want, and women are just the passive recipients who only do it because they want babies.

The whole "sex is so unimportant, why on earth do men want it so much, I'd much rather something nice and polite like a piece of cake" line doesn't feel a million miles away from patriarchal institutions shaming women for having sexual thoughts.

Janiie · 03/12/2023 17:30

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 17:24

Maybe your husband / partner is a man child, and can’t possibly be expected to speak up and use his voice if/when he’s unhappy, so you have to do all the emotional legwork.

But that isn’t the case for all partnerships.

Why are you putting all the onus on the OP to raise this, when she doesn’t have a problem? When maybe even he doesn’t have a problem?

But if he does have a problem, why should she have to be the one to raise it, and not him?

Show quote history

What a strange thing to say. No my dh isn't a 'manchild' all. Rather we are both grown ups and talk frankly and openly about things.

The op's dh doesn't 'nag' she said, well no he shouldn't have to. He's probably just resigned to the whole depressing situation and has no choice but to accept it. Christmas soon though maybe he'll get lucky if he plays his cards right.

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 17:32

I just don’t understand why you expect her to raise it, and not him @Janiie

The OP is fine with things the way they are. For all we know, he is too.

But if he’s not, why can’t he be the one to raise it?

Janiie · 03/12/2023 17:39

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 17:32

I just don’t understand why you expect her to raise it, and not him @Janiie

The OP is fine with things the way they are. For all we know, he is too.

But if he’s not, why can’t he be the one to raise it?

Well, as I've just said he's probably resigned to the whole miserable situation and thinks what's the point.

It is a very basic thing that when in a good relationship sex should just be an enjoyable and frequent part of ot. Nothing grubby or pervy, just normal and good!

Agree with a pp of its always crap that's probably why folk cba.

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 17:43

Maybe he’s not ‘resigned’ to it. We just don’t know.

It doesn’t sound as if they’ve ever been tearing each other’s clothes off, so maybe he is actually fine with it all.

Saying he’s resigned to it is a total assumption, and such a cop out. He can raise it with the OP if he wants to. It’s not her responsibility to do this. I don’t understand why we infantilise men so much.

If he’s miserably going along with it, and ends up having an affair instead of talking to her about it, isn’t that a bit pathetic?

Janiie · 03/12/2023 17:54

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 17:43

Maybe he’s not ‘resigned’ to it. We just don’t know.

It doesn’t sound as if they’ve ever been tearing each other’s clothes off, so maybe he is actually fine with it all.

Saying he’s resigned to it is a total assumption, and such a cop out. He can raise it with the OP if he wants to. It’s not her responsibility to do this. I don’t understand why we infantilise men so much.

If he’s miserably going along with it, and ends up having an affair instead of talking to her about it, isn’t that a bit pathetic?

OK yes maybe he isn't resigned to it. Maybe he's a rarity, a youngsh bloke happy with annual 'doing it for his sake' sex. Great.

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 18:02

Janiie · 03/12/2023 17:54

OK yes maybe he isn't resigned to it. Maybe he's a rarity, a youngsh bloke happy with annual 'doing it for his sake' sex. Great.

Show quote history

So then - why doesn’t he raise it? Why is it up to the woman, who’s happy with how things are, to raise it?

And again, if he’s miserably going along with it, and ends up having an affair instead of talking to her about it, isn’t that a bit pathetic?

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/12/2023 18:02

Terming sex as such leads to dangerous places when discussing sexual violence - all those incels angry that their needs are not being met. Sex for many people is a nice to have but you can live without it. As opposed to actual needs - food, water, shelter.

Janiie · 03/12/2023 18:07

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 18:02

So then - why doesn’t he raise it? Why is it up to the woman, who’s happy with how things are, to raise it?

And again, if he’s miserably going along with it, and ends up having an affair instead of talking to her about it, isn’t that a bit pathetic?

Show quote history

Shall we keep repeating ourselves? Ok. Maybe he doesn't raise it as he knows there's no point. Maybe he's aware that her annual pity shag isn't really worth the hassle of begging for more?

Who knows.

The point is it isn't normal to feel quite proud of not being bothered, quite cheerful about not fancying your dp. It is unusual at 35 to expect a 40yr old to settle for these crumbs for the foreseeable. The op needs to wake up.

Original poster
namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 18:09

@Janiie I'm wide awake thanks.

OP posts:
Diamonde · 03/12/2023 18:09

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/12/2023 18:02

Terming sex as such leads to dangerous places when discussing sexual violence - all those incels angry that their needs are not being met. Sex for many people is a nice to have but you can live without it. As opposed to actual needs - food, water, shelter.

Most sane people can distinguish between sex as a 'need' as part of a relationship and nutters using it to justify immoral or exploitative behaviour

Presumably it's being used as the former in the context of the original post

LolaSmiles · 03/12/2023 18:18

Agreed, and it also irks me because it plays into the old myth that women's sexual desire doesn't exist - that sex is something only men want, and women are just the passive recipients who only do it because they want babies.

The whole "sex is so unimportant, why on earth do men want it so much, I'd much rather something nice and polite like a piece of cake" line doesn't feel a million miles away from patriarchal institutions shaming women for having sexual thoughts.
I think you've hit the nail on the head about why I find some of the rhetoric quite uncomfortable.

There's a big difference between "I have a low libido" or "I'm not that bothered about sex" and the "I don't understand why people make such a big deal about sex, it's not necessary. Why do men make a big deal about it? I can't believe some women actually say that sex is needed in their relationships. They're opening the door to erode consent by saying it's a need. Relationships don't need sex. It's just not important unless you're having a baby."

The first is a healthy attitude to sex that acknowledges people have different preferences. The second seems to rest on unhealthy ideas about sex and an almost disbelief that women might seek and enjoy sexually enjoyable relationships.

GodDammitCecil · 03/12/2023 18:21

Janiie · 03/12/2023 18:07

Shall we keep repeating ourselves? Ok. Maybe he doesn't raise it as he knows there's no point. Maybe he's aware that her annual pity shag isn't really worth the hassle of begging for more?

Who knows.

The point is it isn't normal to feel quite proud of not being bothered, quite cheerful about not fancying your dp. It is unusual at 35 to expect a 40yr old to settle for these crumbs for the foreseeable. The op needs to wake up.

Show quote history

And her husband needs to take an ounce of responsibility for himself.

Stop putting it all on her, and stop infantilising grown men.

Eleganz · 03/12/2023 18:22

LolaSmiles · 03/12/2023 17:12

Some people seem to think / be arguing about
Need = entitled to
Need = will die without

Which are both bollocks

When the context of the original conversation was need = is important to me.
Agree
It's fine to have a low sex drive.
It's fine for anyone to decide that sex isn't important to them.
It's fine for someone to not want sex as part of a relationship.

I find the whole head tilty i don't understand what the big deal is, as if some people think it's needed in a relationship, surely there's more to a relationship than sex, you don't have to have sex so it isn't a need unless you're TTC to be bizarre.

It's really not that confusing that many people (both men and women) would want to be in a relationship with someone they're sexually compatible with.

Edited

It is just an attempt to create an internally consistent logical framework as to why people (i.e. The partner who wants sex) are being irrational by saying that sex is a need for them in a relationship.

My view is that if your partner is starting to deploy this argument when you raise issues with sex with them, it is probably a waste of time carrying on because they just think anything you say is fundamentally unreasonable.

Ascubudr · 03/12/2023 18:43

I would say the longest I have gone wothput sex since I was about 16 is a couple of months ( I am nearly 48). I do get horny and would definitely miss it. So within a relationship for me yes it's a need, a non negotiable. I suppose this might change with time.

LolaSmiles · 03/12/2023 18:50

Eleganz
If the endless threads on here are anything to go by, I suspect you're onto something there. There's some unhealthy attitudes to intimacy on here in places (both in terms of the sex doesn't matter and a partner who cares is irrational and the number of people who think obligation sex is essential to prevent affairs).

Why have open and healthy communication about what each other needs in a relationship (sexually or otherwise, so including words of affirmation, physical touch that's non sexual, other ways of expressing love and affection) when you can effectively try to present the other one is an unreasonable weirdo as the starting point?

AlltheFs · 03/12/2023 18:57

EarthaKittsVoice · 03/12/2023 17:24

To the people saying sex isn't a need and can't see what all the bother is - do you not like orgasms? Have you ever had one? If you have I can't understand how you would be fine with having sex a few times a year

I bloody love orgasms. But I don’t need a partner for one.

When I was single I’d go for a long time without a partner- I had plenty of casual sex when I felt like it, but also times when I went a number of years without.

In a relationship or not I still sort myself out most days. We have plenty of sex as a couple too btw, but I don’t “need” it specifically. If something awful happened that meant we couldn’t then it wouldn’t destroy our marriage.

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