No one actually "needs" sex

[namechangedforthisone35]

Out with the girls last night and my friends talked about the "need" for sex which I can't fathom. It's obviously not a genuine need like air and food.

Clearly if you're ttc, then yes, you need sex. But that's the only situation it would be essential otherwise it's not exactly for survival is it?!

My dh and I (43 and 35) dtd maybe 4-6 times a year. He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me. Three kids including a toddler, a dog, both work full time, up at 4.30/5, sleep comes first every single time.

Do others really see it as a need?!

Yes.

Having sex 4/6 times in a whole year would be a deal breaker to me and to DH. We both love the intimate part of our relationship and have sex every 2/3 days. Been together 25 years and still enjoy every part of the sex!

Have you always had a low sex drive or is it since the DCs came along?

And that's fine if it works for you both - does it? Do you ask your DH if he is happy with having sex 4-5 times a year? I mean actually ask and receive an honest answer? My question is why bother at all as it sounds like you only had sex to have children and because you have children then there is no further requirement

I think it probably is a need in a Maslowian sense. Not a physiological need like air and water, but one of those middling ones that are part of love and belonging - intimacy. Yes, you can live without it, but you may not thrive without it.

I think its an important component of a romantic relationship.

My partner and I recently went through a dry and difficult spell where he was struggling to maintain and finish during sex. Over time, this really impacted our relationship. Both of us became really anxious, paranoid and a bit disconnected.

He got some Viagra from the doctor whilst awaiting tests etc ( we are unsure if medical or psychological though we think its psychological) and our sex life is back! Its been like a miracle drug!

It's an emotional need. Sexuality is an intimate part of a person and to be rejected sexually this way is undermining and deflating. The physical side of the need can be taken care of solo, but the closeness, acceptance, desire, affection and care of your partner is something most people in relationships do need.

I think the biggest issue is to conflate sex with intimacy.

Yes you can get intimacy with sex. And in some ways, it’s much easier to get your ‘intimacy fix’ from sex than from other places.
But intimacy is more complex than that but you first need to make yourself vulnerable to the other person.

Unfortunately, few people get intimacy outside of sex - which is Why imo so many people see sex as something so important. And why, for so many couples, everything falls apart when sex disappears.

@LeRougeEtLeNoir an astute reflection.

For a lot of people, men and women, sex is a proxy for love. So you might not need sex but you need love. OP, you sound quite satisfied that your arrangement works for you, but don't be surprised if in a few years' time your husband decides otherwise

When I'm.in a relationship yes it's a need for me

They've probably been together a long time.
Would be different if things were fresh

@Tonto37 I've been with my dh for 13y now (married for 5 of those years) and we still have sex way more than 5 times a year! It's not like being with someone for a long time makes you stop wanting it, that doesn't make much sense.

I keep harping on about this but - if you get pleasure and satisfaction out of sex, you'll probably want it more.

I get the impression lots of people put up with substandard sex initially and then gradually stop wanting it because they "prefer sleep" (ie it's just not worth the effort because it's not pleasurable).

Op, is the sex any good? Talk to your dh, maybe if the quality improves, you'll want/enjoy it more and everybody wins.

You won't die without it. You also won't die without love, affection, companionship, friendship, a sense of purpose in life, meaningful conversations, connection, the absence of deep loneliness etc.

It doesn't mean those things aren't human needs that people rightfully strive for.

Yes! We need it every night. There’s yesterday we had sex just as I was getting dressed and again last night. My DH was out on his work do and I was waiting at
home in Ann summers finest

Wait till your 13 years gets close to 20. Honestly me and all my pals are in agreement. It gets boring with the same person. Maybe it's different for women.

Yes.

Your husband does too.

Is it a need like food and water? No. Would I die without it? Maybe a little bit inside. Do I consider it a need within my relationship? Absolutely and I prioritise it accordingly.

Isn't it something like only 20% of women orgasm through PIV alone?

If I was one of those women, I would probably be far less arsed with sex and see it more as a chore than fun.

Fortunately for me, I'm not, and I am pretty keen on sex and have always had a consistent and reasonably high sex drive. Having a partner with a similar drive is important to me: I wouldn't be happy in a sexless relationship.

When you do it so rarely and it’s not a habit or a regular part of your life I always wonder how it happens when it does. What’s the prompt for sex every 2 or 3 months? Does someone suggest it? Is a special occasion?

I’m in the need it within a romantic relationship camp. My ex and I didn’t do it for 6 months before I left, that wasn’t the main reason, I hated him for many reasons by the end and my attraction for him dying was due to his behaviour day to day.

With DH it’s a regular and positive part of our marriage and has carried on being so through many life events and I expect it to continue to do so. For 4 times a year I can’t see why you’d bother.

OP, you seem to be assuming he feels as you do but you don’t say he’s explicitly said so. Not asking you when he knows you’ll probably say no doesn’t mean he’s happy.

@namechangedforthisone35

did you literally just have sex in order to conceive op?

This, I’m in the same position. Knowing that my body is mine and not having to share it.

Theoretically it's a basic need akin to warmth, food and shelter in the hierarchy of needs to fulfil self actualisation.

Is it a need for sexual release or the need to be validated/feel loved.

You can have the first without a partner as most single people have to.

Post menopause it’s not a need for me at all.

I think this question specifically is muddied by the fact that our society sees sex as a need that men have and women are responsible for ensuring that they have access to.

It's this that I think is totally wrong. Everybody's level of need for sex is different, and nobody is responsible for another's needs (taking aside the issue of eg a parent responsible for a child, obviously not talking about that). If you are a person, of either sex, who feels a need for sex in the way that people typically have a need for social contact and connection, then it's your responsibility to be aware of that and manage it, nobody else's. That might look like saying ok, this relationship isn't working for me, I need to get out of it and meet somebody else, or it might look like saying ok, I'm not attracting prospects for casual sex, I should put some work in on my hygiene/appearance or should join a swingers club or something.

What it does not look like is sulking because nobody will have sex with you or extorting sex from your partner through emotional or threatening means.

21 years here, still being inventive and enjoying each other. Not boring. I think you have to keep it interesting deliberately, it's doesn't just happen cos there's a spark after that long... But as you as you don't let it get stale, it doesn't. But you get out of anything, what you put into it.

Fairplay to your for your efforts. I think it's a damage limitation job. Acknowledged it'll be better than if you didn't put effort in. But a million miles away what it would be like with a new partner. I'm talking from a fellas perspective, what I think and most my pals.