Page 14 | No one actually "needs" sex

namechangedforthisone35 · 2023-12-03T05:33:03+00:00

Out with the girls last night and my friends talked about the "need" for sex which I can't fathom. It's obviously not a genuine need like air and food. Clearly if you're ttc, then yes, you need sex. But that's the only situation it would be essential otherwise it's not exactly for survival is it?! My dh and I (43 and 35) dtd maybe 4-6 times a year. He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me. Three kids including a toddler, a dog, both work full time, up at 4.30/5, sleep comes first every single time. Do others really see it as a need?!

Gwenhwyfar · 04/12/2023 19:41

Sorchamarie · 03/12/2023 06:17

You could use the same argument that no one needs social contact, but most people would be utterly miserable without it. For many it's super important to have sex regularly in order to feel connected to their partner. Interesting how different all humans are.

This argument really was made during Covid wasn't it?

kaboomy · 04/12/2023 20:11

namechangedforthisone35 · 04/12/2023 19:11

@harerunner if my husband wanted to explore that we'd have to have the conversation but he's content as things stand.

No we don't when the kids are in the house as i can't relax.

I'm an early bedder / riser and my husband is a night owl. No big deal.

We're honestly fine in this setup. We've been this way over a decade. I don't like how people are trying to suggest it's wrong.

Each to their own.

You have said 'we' are fine. But you've also said he would like more. Sounds like you have things how you like them and he accepts it rather than is thrilled with it. But maybe he is ok with living with low level dissatisfaction as maybe the alternative is less appealing. Still doesn't mean he's joyful about it

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/12/2023 20:39

It’s def a need
cant remember where it is on maslovs hierarchy though

when I had a good sexual (not good relationship ) relationship I got very addicted to it

that said I’m now living without it and I’m ok with that

i do feel that men think they ‘need’ it a bit more than we think we women think we need it however

Diamonde · 04/12/2023 20:41

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/12/2023 20:39

It’s def a need
cant remember where it is on maslovs hierarchy though

when I had a good sexual (not good relationship ) relationship I got very addicted to it

that said I’m now living without it and I’m ok with that

i do feel that men think they ‘need’ it a bit more than we think we women think we need it however

If sex ("intimacy") is on Maslovs hierarchy of needs then it is a need...

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/12/2023 20:49

It’s the 3rd slice up

and as we all know intimacy and connection is multifaceted

gamerchick · 04/12/2023 20:55

Thing is OP, if things were truly hunky you wouldn't have started this thread to defend it. It's pretty obvious you've never had a proper conversation with your husband. He's just expected to put up with it because it's what you want. If both parties were honest and both on the same page then it's fine.

But something has niggled you a bit imo.

Isitsixoclockalready · 04/12/2023 21:24

It is definitely 'each to their own' but it started off with the premise that the OP seemed surprised that some people essentially see sex as a big part of their lives.

SkySecret · 04/12/2023 21:47

@Janiie you’re onto something about him thinking the annual pity shag isn’t worth it. My current partner left his wife after a LONG time, his life was like this (though admittedly also lacking any real affection as well) and he definitely got to a point of feeling it wasn’t worth it, got very little out of if when it did happen. And his wife? Convinced herself everything was fine and that as long as she was happy then he was happy 😂
He was miserable for YEARS.

Macaroni46 · 04/12/2023 22:04

namechangedforthisone35 · 04/12/2023 19:11

@harerunner if my husband wanted to explore that we'd have to have the conversation but he's content as things stand.

No we don't when the kids are in the house as i can't relax.

I'm an early bedder / riser and my husband is a night owl. No big deal.

We're honestly fine in this setup. We've been this way over a decade. I don't like how people are trying to suggest it's wrong.

Each to their own.

Sounds like you're living parallel lives. I'd advise you to check in with your DH and not just presume he's ok with the status quo.

Macaroni46 · 04/12/2023 22:04

SkySecret · 04/12/2023 21:47

@Janiie you’re onto something about him thinking the annual pity shag isn’t worth it. My current partner left his wife after a LONG time, his life was like this (though admittedly also lacking any real affection as well) and he definitely got to a point of feeling it wasn’t worth it, got very little out of if when it did happen. And his wife? Convinced herself everything was fine and that as long as she was happy then he was happy 😂
He was miserable for YEARS.

Same here. And then she played the victim card.

SkySecret · 04/12/2023 22:06

@Macaroni46 haha, yes, the “I wish I’d fought harder for you” …. err you didn’t fight at all, you alienated your husband and made him think there was something wrong with him 😬

mapletreecottage · 04/12/2023 22:52

namechangedforthisone35 · 04/12/2023 19:11

@harerunner if my husband wanted to explore that we'd have to have the conversation but he's content as things stand.

No we don't when the kids are in the house as i can't relax.

I'm an early bedder / riser and my husband is a night owl. No big deal.

We're honestly fine in this setup. We've been this way over a decade. I don't like how people are trying to suggest it's wrong.

Each to their own.

No, you are fine in this set up. He doesn't seem to have much say. In other posts you have acknowledged:

He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me.

I don't want anymore children and therefore I don't need sex.

In earlier years he said he'd like it more but never nagged me and now doesn't mention it.

I very much doubt he is "content as things stand".

HerMammy · 04/12/2023 22:53

@Macaroni46

My DP left a miserable marriage, people who knew him then, said they never understood why they stayed together, yet his ex feigned shock and horror and to this day plays the victim and acts like the only divorced person ever!!
Again, she was happy having a skivvy and his wages to spend never gave him a thought.

Panaa · 04/12/2023 23:06

mapletreecottage · 04/12/2023 22:52

No, you are fine in this set up. He doesn't seem to have much say. In other posts you have acknowledged:

He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me.

I don't want anymore children and therefore I don't need sex.

In earlier years he said he'd like it more but never nagged me and now doesn't mention it.

I very much doubt he is "content as things stand".

Show quote history

But he's stayed and hasn't even brought it up. Why are you fighting a battle for him that he himself is not fighting?

Some people accept that their partner doesn't want as much sex as them.

If they know their partner doesn't want it then they don't see the point in asking for more because their partner won't be into it.

mapletreecottage · 04/12/2023 23:31

Panaa · 04/12/2023 23:06

But he's stayed and hasn't even brought it up. Why are you fighting a battle for him that he himself is not fighting?

Some people accept that their partner doesn't want as much sex as them.

If they know their partner doesn't want it then they don't see the point in asking for more because their partner won't be into it.

Show quote history

I'm not fighting a battle, I'm pointing out discrepancies in the OP's assertion that everything is fine for them - meaning, her.

versiunal · 04/12/2023 23:32

I need it repeatedly when hungover. Or rather, I need to orgasm. I'm sure there a clinical explanation for it

Joonio · 04/12/2023 23:35

I never thought it important when I was married. Later had a short relationship wuth a man who told me sex was the most important thing in a marriage. I was surprised to hear that.

versiunal · 04/12/2023 23:39

Joonio · 04/12/2023 23:35

I never thought it important when I was married. Later had a short relationship wuth a man who told me sex was the most important thing in a marriage. I was surprised to hear that.

I disagree with him, but it is important, especially in the early years

Panaa · 04/12/2023 23:42

@mapletreecottage
It doesn't seem to be causing any issues though so the OP is most likely right about it being fine for them.

mapletreecottage · 05/12/2023 00:00

Panaa · 04/12/2023 23:42

@mapletreecottage
It doesn't seem to be causing any issues though so the OP is most likely right about it being fine for them.

OP is unilaterally deciding how, and when - not often! and even then she says "And yes, I could happily ignore the few times a year but do it for his sake." - and despite knowing the man she married would like to have this joyless experience more than 4 or 5 times a year if he's lucky, declares it fine for them. It is clearly not fine for them, but only fine for her.

In my experience, and observation, most women who believe this sort of self-serving thing are very surprised to discover their husband has been seeing other women, seeing prostitutes, exploring fetishes, having affairs, etc etc.

Panaa · 05/12/2023 00:19

@mapletreecottage
But if one person really doesn't want sex then surely the other person can't decide. You can't negotiate desire, despite millions of people in dead bedrooms all around the world trying to do that again and again and again.
If the OP was more into sex then she'd have more sex. If she's not into it then it's going to be awful and unfulfilling, he most likely won't enjoy it, and she could end up traumatised from it.

despite knowing the man she married would like to have this joyless experience more than 4 or 5 times a year if he's lucky, declares it fine for them.

Does a joyless experience get better the more you have it?
Fairly sure she'd end up with a sexual aversion if it's that bad, and that he'd hate the monotony of it all.

In my experience, and observation, most women who believe this sort of self-serving thing are very surprised to discover their husband has been seeing other women, seeing prostitutes, exploring fetishes, having affairs, etc etc.

In that case he's a bit of an asshole then isn't he? He should have told the OP a long time ago that he couldn't live in a sexless relationship and made plans to separate

I wouldn't stay in a relationship where my partner wouldn't have sex with me, and if I did then I wouldn't feel entitled to cheat.

mapletreecottage · 05/12/2023 00:34

Good for you.

I think the OP should be discussing the question posed in this thread with her husband, but it doesn't sound like a relationship where anyone speaks the truth.

Chouxpastryishard · 05/12/2023 04:58

It’s not always the woman who doesn’t want sex. Often it’s the man, surprisingly enough. Two people I know were in marriages like this.

StarlightLady · 05/12/2023 06:30

There seems to be a certain attitude by some that sex is something a woman “gives” to a man!

Wrong!

You have to wonder about upbringing and parental attitudes. I’m in my 40s now and mum always told us (sister and l) if something doesn’t make you feel nice, stop doing it, but she never told us sex was wrong. She was both sex positive and a feminist.

Sex is about sharing bodies and passion. I also find it a huge stress relief and calming. You wouldn’t like me if l wasn’t frequently participating. I would be so grumpy!

Eleganz · 05/12/2023 06:53

namechangedforthisone35 · 04/12/2023 17:19

How do you all do it with kids anyway?! I refuse to if the kids are in the house (13,9,2). I'm in bed hours before my husband and I'm up hours before him in the morning. So genuinely such little opportunity anyway!

Dressing up choices you have made to avoid intimacy and spending time with your husband as external factors that are preventing you from "finding an opportunity" is pretty toxic really.

Regardless of how okay your husband is with it or not, why not just take responsibility for the fact that you are actively avoiding him and creating rules that mean sex is pretty much off the table (unless that 2 year old is regularly out of the house without either of you)?

At least be honest with yourself.