Page 13 | No one actually "needs" sex

RaraRachael · 04/12/2023 11:51

@Tryingmybestadhd No I've never really enjoyed it. It may come from the fact that my domineering and narcissistic mother saw it as something dirty.

Asexuality was never a thing when I was young so I have no real understanding of it,

Lili132 · 04/12/2023 11:56

EBearhug · 04/12/2023 11:45

I meant romance and passion of a new relationship. The anticipation, being in love, desiring one another etc etc.

I'd agree that's passion, but it isn't what I understand by romance, but maybe I just don't know what romance really is.

It's those little things another person does that keeps you excited, desired and anticipating. It's the opposite of what is happening in long term relationship where you often talk about shopping, bills and getting kids to clubs etc.

What I mean was women get excited by new relationships and often libido falls after long time together especially when there is no effort to keep spark burning.
Men naively assume only they get bored.

Cas112 · 04/12/2023 11:56

personally its a need for me and my relationship

LolaSmiles · 04/12/2023 12:48

For me the ‘i really fancy my partner and can’t envisage a relationship when this isn’t present’ is the stuff of the beginning of a relationship. Maybe close to infatuation.
But as a deeper love develops, sex and love get a life of their own and aren’t automatically related to each other.
Now ofc, having sex/making love can be a way to express that love, have some intimacy blablabla. But I wouldn’t equate one with the other after a few years, let alone 15~20 years of marriage.

It's infatuation or early stages of dating stuff to fancy a romantic partner and enjoy having sex with them?

From reading threads on here it seems like a lot of people seem to have accepted that relationships start with sex being important and then drift into an as and when, maybe, not bothered, sex isn't important territory, and often those threads seem also to have couples not really investing in their relationship overall (eg one person carries the mental load and is understandably not feeling it and the other moans that they don't have enough sex/one person has decided they CBA with sex so their spouse should drift along with it and be grateful for crumbs).

Relationships go through different seasons where sex may be higher or lower on the agenda, but I'd not want to be in a relationship with a husband whose attitude to sex was "well we've had children now and we're not 25 anymore, so actually Lola I'd rather have a cup of coffee and organise the garage with the cricket on the radio than be intimate with you".

If his attitude to me trying to have open communication about sexual intimacy (or it being important to me in the context of a relationship) was to be manipulative and say things like "you really should get over it, why would I want to go to all the hassle of having sex when I could watch Netflix with the cat. Love and sex aren't the same think Lola. Why do you want to talk about it?", then I'd like to think I'd have the confidence and self-respect to leave because a partner who is unwilling to have healthy and respectful communication about a relationship isn't a good partner in my eyes.

Tryingmybestadhd · 04/12/2023 14:57

StarlightLady · 04/12/2023 10:45

As a bi woman, l would refute that women have lower libido. To me, “aroused by romance” is a fairy tale and sexist male driven (non) logic!

Lots of women want passion. And a partner who makes a serious effort, be it a ONS (or less) or a 30 year relationship.

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I’m heterosexual but I agree with you I have a higher sex drive than all of my previous partners bar one that was a bit to much ( younger years ) and speaking with friends I think most would prefer more sex and not less . Personally we only have sex 2 or 3 times a week ( good one I should add ) but I would be happy with it 5 times a week

caringcarer · 04/12/2023 16:02

namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 05:33

Out with the girls last night and my friends talked about the "need" for sex which I can't fathom. It's obviously not a genuine need like air and food.

Clearly if you're ttc, then yes, you need sex. But that's the only situation it would be essential otherwise it's not exactly for survival is it?!

My dh and I (43 and 35) dtd maybe 4-6 times a year. He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me. Three kids including a toddler, a dog, both work full time, up at 4.30/5, sleep comes first every single time.

Do others really see it as a need?!

That's only about once every 10 weeks. I'm surprised you still have a DH.

Original poster

namechangedforthisone35 · 04/12/2023 17:19

How do you all do it with kids anyway?! I refuse to if the kids are in the house (13,9,2). I'm in bed hours before my husband and I'm up hours before him in the morning. So genuinely such little opportunity anyway!

OP posts:

Comedycook · 04/12/2023 17:22

namechangedforthisone35 · 04/12/2023 17:19

How do you all do it with kids anyway?! I refuse to if the kids are in the house (13,9,2). I'm in bed hours before my husband and I'm up hours before him in the morning. So genuinely such little opportunity anyway!

You refuse to have sex if your kids are at home? That's extreme. Why can't you do it when they're asleep?

StarlightLady · 04/12/2023 17:25

@namechangedforthisone35 Clearly you managed it at least twice after the first one. You do know how they get in there, don't you?

category12 · 04/12/2023 17:26

namechangedforthisone35 · 04/12/2023 17:19

How do you all do it with kids anyway?! I refuse to if the kids are in the house (13,9,2). I'm in bed hours before my husband and I'm up hours before him in the morning. So genuinely such little opportunity anyway!

How did you manage to get pregnant with your two youngest, if that's the case?

Most parents continue to have a sex-life despite having kids in the house.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 04/12/2023 18:07

namechangedforthisone35 · 04/12/2023 17:19

How do you all do it with kids anyway?! I refuse to if the kids are in the house (13,9,2). I'm in bed hours before my husband and I'm up hours before him in the morning. So genuinely such little opportunity anyway!

Immaculate conceptions for the second two then?

It's when they're asleep, in their own room(s), while we are in our own bed. They can't hear you, unless you're a surprise screamer. And if you hear them waking up....stop....

Also, how are your schedules that vastly different? Are you avoiding him?

MMmomDD · 04/12/2023 18:18

@namechangedforthisone35

Out of curiosity - since you’d rather not have sex with H anyway - would you care if he were discretely having it with somebody else? Not leaving you; being totally devoted to family, etc.?

But since he probably needs it more;
and you don’t need it at all - is it not fair for both to have their needs met without forcing the other?

OP - you do sound a bit defensive here. You pretend you don’t understand or realise that for most people intimacy is part of human connection.

It isn’t for you, fair enough. But no one is that unaware of humanity and the place sex has in most people’s lives.

Crikeyalmighty · 04/12/2023 18:32

It's age for me that's been the killer- up to about 45 I saw it as a vital part- at61 I just don't and no longer really enjoy it either.my H is very aware how I feel- I did give him a choice to move on if it mattered that much

harerunner · 04/12/2023 18:44

@Lili132

From evolutionary perspective women were not meant to be with one partner forever. They would move on after child was a bit older to find even stronger /better partner and have new better genes for new offspring. And for that to happen they would have to get bored with sex with old partner as to not risk the pregnancy with him instead of new partner. As women can only get pregnant with one man.

Equally, from an evolutionary perspective, it's not in a man's interest to let "his" woman discard him for a younger, fitter version.... hence the patriarchy!

I'm not aware of any evidence that suggests that pre-historic women discarded their men for new hotter/fitter baby-daddy's once their current man lost his lustre.

Janiie · 04/12/2023 18:52

namechangedforthisone35 · 04/12/2023 17:19

How do you all do it with kids anyway?! I refuse to if the kids are in the house (13,9,2). I'm in bed hours before my husband and I'm up hours before him in the morning. So genuinely such little opportunity anyway!

You make time op, it is surely worth the effort to have a healthy happy relationship. Barring shift work you go to bed at the same time for starters.

Do you think you have issues and may need some counselling? To not have sex when the kids are in and they are all under 10 would suggest something psychological perhaps? Genuine question I'm not mocking.

harerunner · 04/12/2023 19:04

MMmomDD · 04/12/2023 18:18

@namechangedforthisone35

Out of curiosity - since you’d rather not have sex with H anyway - would you care if he were discretely having it with somebody else? Not leaving you; being totally devoted to family, etc.?

But since he probably needs it more;
and you don’t need it at all - is it not fair for both to have their needs met without forcing the other?

OP - you do sound a bit defensive here. You pretend you don’t understand or realise that for most people intimacy is part of human connection.

It isn’t for you, fair enough. But no one is that unaware of humanity and the place sex has in most people’s lives.

Good question. I'd be surprised if @namechangedforthisone35 would be cool with that though!

StarlightLady · 04/12/2023 19:05

I would not stay with someone who did not want me. If a male partner had ED problems l would be supportive, there is more to sex, a lot more, than insertion.

But someone who would not cuddle me, hold me and more (he’s got a tongue in his head) and help me out of my knix would be a total red flag.

ItsAllMuchofaMuchness · 04/12/2023 19:10

Your're creating conditions that are very hard (if not impossible) for your DH to follow to enable the chance of sex - so by making sure those conditions are never met you can then, in your set up, completely justify not even considering sex. At the start of the thread it was all about need and it's been pretty clear need is also about what people need to be secure and safe in their relationships - it's clear that you neither need or want sex which is fine - but I'll guess based on what you've said you're not only being massively disingenuous but you've not actually had a proper conversation and asked your DH if he is happy - it's you that has set the boundaries and while he can challenge you it sounds like you've made sure he knows there is no point - he might not walk but be sure he probably very very unhappy and maybe even regrets his decision all those years ago

Original poster

namechangedforthisone35 · 04/12/2023 19:11

@harerunner if my husband wanted to explore that we'd have to have the conversation but he's content as things stand.

No we don't when the kids are in the house as i can't relax.

I'm an early bedder / riser and my husband is a night owl. No big deal.

We're honestly fine in this setup. We've been this way over a decade. I don't like how people are trying to suggest it's wrong.

Each to their own.

OP posts:

Ascubudr · 04/12/2023 19:25

Lili132 · 04/12/2023 11:56

It's those little things another person does that keeps you excited, desired and anticipating. It's the opposite of what is happening in long term relationship where you often talk about shopping, bills and getting kids to clubs etc.

What I mean was women get excited by new relationships and often libido falls after long time together especially when there is no effort to keep spark burning.
Men naively assume only they get bored.

Show quote history

Well I think DH and I have a pretty average 25yo relationship. We still do the little things, we bring each other coffee in bed each morning ( never gets old) he changes the bed sheets for me ( my hated job) buys me my favourite snacks. I will offer to iron his shirts ( his hated job). We cook each other dinner, fixes up my bike. To me that keeps the romance alive, but maybe I am very boring.

Mummymummy89 · 04/12/2023 19:27

We're honestly fine in this setup

Then I wonder why you started this thread, including this in your op?

He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me.

I think you wanted reassurance that your dh is a silly sausage for wanting something so frivolous as sex within marriage.

Then we mostly all said, no he isn't silly, he's pretty normal.

Tonto37 · 04/12/2023 19:30

Comedycook · 04/12/2023 17:22

You refuse to have sex if your kids are at home? That's extreme. Why can't you do it when they're asleep?

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Because she makes noise, can't help it or enjoy it otherwise. It kills the passion, or what passion is left.

Sausagesinthesky · 04/12/2023 19:31

I see this time and time again on mumsnet. Wife checks out of sex life : too tired, too busy, etc etc - it’s fine /he doesn’t mind. Then affair happens and then devastation hits. Most men want regular sex. Most women do too. Yes your DH may not go looking for it. But if circumstances place the opportunity in his lap who knows? Either way - checking out of sex in an adult relationship is unfair despite what you convince yourself/your DH tells you. It’s relationship glue and that’s the bottom line.

harerunner · 04/12/2023 19:31

namechangedforthisone35 · 04/12/2023 19:11

@harerunner if my husband wanted to explore that we'd have to have the conversation but he's content as things stand.

No we don't when the kids are in the house as i can't relax.

I'm an early bedder / riser and my husband is a night owl. No big deal.

We're honestly fine in this setup. We've been this way over a decade. I don't like how people are trying to suggest it's wrong.

Each to their own.

You say you're honestly fine with things, but when did you and your DH last have a frank and honest conversation about it?

For your own sake, don't assume silence on the subject means everything is fine, as thousands, if not millions, of former spouses will confirm!

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 04/12/2023 19:33

Ascubudr · 04/12/2023 19:25

Well I think DH and I have a pretty average 25yo relationship. We still do the little things, we bring each other coffee in bed each morning ( never gets old) he changes the bed sheets for me ( my hated job) buys me my favourite snacks. I will offer to iron his shirts ( his hated job). We cook each other dinner, fixes up my bike. To me that keeps the romance alive, but maybe I am very boring.

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15 year relationship and we sound similar to you, although obviously with our own hated jobs etc. Flowers, diamonds, fancy restaurants are all fine, but all that stuff you mentioned is also what I consider romantic too.

And I have been called boring by some friends. Who have drama filled relationships and regularly call me in tears. Not sure how they don't see I'm actually "winning" (for want of a better word!)