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Original poster

No one actually "needs" sex

471 replies

namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 05:33

Out with the girls last night and my friends talked about the "need" for sex which I can't fathom. It's obviously not a genuine need like air and food.

Clearly if you're ttc, then yes, you need sex. But that's the only situation it would be essential otherwise it's not exactly for survival is it?!

My dh and I (43 and 35) dtd maybe 4-6 times a year. He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me. Three kids including a toddler, a dog, both work full time, up at 4.30/5, sleep comes first every single time.

Do others really see it as a need?!

OP posts:
Starryskies1 · 05/12/2023 07:07

Maybe it’s not up there with food and water. You can survive without it. It’s more of a craving for touch and connection. I found when not in a relationship I wanted it more as not an option.

Dery · 05/12/2023 08:19

“Dressing up choices you have made to avoid intimacy and spending time with your husband as external factors that are preventing you from "finding an opportunity" is pretty toxic really.

Regardless of how okay your husband is with it or not, why not just take responsibility for the fact that you are actively avoiding him and creating rules that mean sex is pretty much off the table (unless that 2 year old is regularly out of the house without either of you)?

At least be honest with yourself.”

This. The points people have made around social connection and intimacy are correct - in that sense, I think most people in LTRs see sex as cementing the intimacy they have with their partners and in that sense they need it as well as enjoying it.

There are things that people need in order to thrive rather than merely survive. For monogamous couples, sex is a key thing that distinguishes their relationship from others that they have. It’s great that you have other physical intimacy such as hugs and kisses but I’m guessing that’s all pretty chaste given your attitude to sex. That said, your DH does seem willing to put up with this so perhaps his sex drive is very low too.

Crunchingleaf · 05/12/2023 08:27

I feel like I need sex. It’s fun and then afterwards I feel like my connection with DH has been strengthened. We don’t do it as often as we used to or would like to since the toddler and baby came along. If anything I have the higher sex drive.
In previous relationships where sex has been bad or the relationship was poor I wasn’t much into sex and would actively try to avoid it. The urge would still of been there though.

organicbox · 05/12/2023 08:46

BertieBotts · 03/12/2023 05:41

I think for most people it's more a need along the lines of space or social contact. Not a biological necessity, but you'll start to feel really miserable if you don't have any at all.

However, like extroverts need more social contact and introverts need more solitude, sex drives can vary too.

Perhaps you simply have a very low sex drive. (I understand this because I do too).

I think the only thing I'd say is that nobody has a need/entitlement to someone else's body to alleviate their need for sex. But this must be tricky if you are a person who needs it more.

This. Exactly, a need like space or contact.

flagonfull · 05/12/2023 08:47

I was in a pretty much sexless marriage. Our drives were completely unmatched but in the early days I thought it was something we could work on, how wrong was I?! Turns out he had a very active sex life with porn and god knows what else, just not with me.
it was really damaging for my self esteem and for our intimacy/ connection.
i was naive and I’d never recommend people stay together that unmatched anymore, if sex means more to one person and they’re not having any it can chip away over time, left me feeling ugly and defeated.
many years later I’m in a relationship where the sex is amazing but we have it so infrequently as we don’t live together and I have kids (his kids are grown)
so although we rarely have it, when we do it’s so great that the gaps in between aren’t a problem.
we both really look forward to it and both get a lot from it. It’s lovely to be with someone who clearly finds me attractive and has a libido which (almost) matches mine!

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2023 09:14

gamerchick · 04/12/2023 20:55

Thing is OP, if things were truly hunky you wouldn't have started this thread to defend it. It's pretty obvious you've never had a proper conversation with your husband. He's just expected to put up with it because it's what you want. If both parties were honest and both on the same page then it's fine.

But something has niggled you a bit imo.

Precisely. Be interesting to know what it was.

Original poster
namechangedforthisone35 · 28/12/2023 07:22

Well Christmas has come and gone. He didn't initiate, nor did I. Last time there was any sexual contact (not intercourse even) was Halloween. Early September before that. It's just not spoken about. I'm completely fine with it because I don't want it. As he's not bringing it up either I'll assume he's ok too. If it was bothering him I'm sure he'd say something.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/12/2023 07:32

Big old elephant you're both walking round though.

Original poster
namechangedforthisone35 · 28/12/2023 07:40

@category12 that's assuming we're both bothered.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/12/2023 07:51

Well, if you're so convinced it's fine and he's unbothered, what would be the harm in asking him?

What's wrong, McFly? Chicken?

Original poster
namechangedforthisone35 · 28/12/2023 07:53

@category12 McFly chicken??? You've completely lost me.

OP posts:
IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 28/12/2023 07:56

OP you keep telling people they're assuming he's bothered. You're assuming he's not. Only he knows. But he used to ask and now he doesn't which means either his spirit has been broken from rejection, he no longer wants it with you and is planning his exit, he is indeed unbothered with it, or he's getting it elsewhere.

I think the reason you've started this thread instead of raising it with him is that you're scared of the answer.

Original poster
namechangedforthisone35 · 28/12/2023 07:58

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos I've suggested to him before that I'd be fine with him seeking it elsewhere. Takes the heat off me. Win all round - if that's what he wants to do, totally fine. I don't need to know about it though.

OP posts:
category12 · 28/12/2023 08:07

Just a Back to the Future reference. 😂Being silly.

But seriously, you don't ask because you're scared of the answer.

gannett · 28/12/2023 08:12

If it was bothering him I'm sure he'd say something.

Ideally yes. Unfortunately this is not how people work. 99% of MN threads (not just about sex) are about someone silently seething and never saying anything for years on end.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 28/12/2023 08:12

@namechangedforthisone35 you say you love him very much. How would you feel if while seeking it elsewhere he found a woman who gave him everything you're willing to and sex, in terms of a relationship? What if he decided he wanted to pursue a proper relationship with the woman he had been having a secret secual relationship with? How would you feel if your marriage broke up because you didn't regularly check in with your husband that your relationship was working for both of you?

We never sit down and have a scheduled big conversation but every now and then one of us will check in and say something like are you happy? Is everything OK with us? You've been a bit quiet are you OK? But then also, if we have gone about a week without any sexual contact we start to miss each other. So maybe we're just very different to you. I don't think basic human needs vary massively though.

Smugandproud · 28/12/2023 08:21

Well for someone who doesn’t need sex it’s certainly on your mind a lot@namechangedforthisone35 .

I don’t think you would really be happy if your dh had a sexual relationship elsewhere.

mapletreecottage · 28/12/2023 08:28

Why are you 'sure he'd say something', when you're on here speculating rather than 'saying something' ie asking him directly how he feels?

PaintedEgg · 28/12/2023 08:35

I'd say that for some (me included) need for sex is like a need for a walk or to rest in the afternoon

I won't die without it, but I may get grumpy enough that someone else might

I also don't believe a relationship can work if sexual needs of both partners don't align - a sexless marriage where one person does want to have sex and the other doesn't is bound to turn into roommates situation

PaintedEgg · 28/12/2023 08:37

@namechangedforthisone35 careful what you wish for - sex can and often builds intimacy, if your husband was to find a lover he may find that relationship to be more fulfilling

BingosMumma · 28/12/2023 08:46

namechangedforthisone35 · 28/12/2023 07:58

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos I've suggested to him before that I'd be fine with him seeking it elsewhere. Takes the heat off me. Win all round - if that's what he wants to do, totally fine. I don't need to know about it though.

Are you really? You're 'fine with it' because you don't think he'll do it.

You need to talk to your husband.

OhmygodDont · 28/12/2023 10:34

namechangedforthisone35 · 28/12/2023 07:58

@IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos I've suggested to him before that I'd be fine with him seeking it elsewhere. Takes the heat off me. Win all round - if that's what he wants to do, totally fine. I don't need to know about it though.

Ah so this is why he doesn’t bring it up. You’ve given him the green light to get that sorted. So of course he doesn’t mention sex because his getting sex but you don’t need to know as per your words.

But if you weren’t worried you wouldn’t have started the thread full stop. Only person your fooling here is yourself.

ItsAllMuchofaMuchness · 28/12/2023 10:50

This is bizarre - you keep saying the same thing but because people are not giving you the answer you want you keep coming back. It's obviously stuck with you enough to come back weeks later to update a load of anonymous randoms of why your logic is correct - like everyone has said if you don't ask then how will you know and if you're both fine with everything then no problem and move on

LolaSmiles · 28/12/2023 11:59

Ah so this is why he doesn’t bring it up. You’ve given him the green light to get that sorted. So of course he doesn’t mention sex because his getting sex but you don’t need to know as per your words.
I thought the same from the updates.

If the don't ask don't tell arrangement suits the OP and her partner, that's good, but my concern would be it's only a matter of time before one of the 'just sex' arrangement(s) he has will turn into something more.
If someone has a choice between a romantic relationship with sexual intimacy and a comfortable, sometimes romantic relationship where sex is off the table and is treated as an itch to be scratched elsewhere I know which I would choose and I doubt I'm alone.

adriftabroad · 28/12/2023 12:49

He[s definitely having sex with someone else.

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