No one actually "needs" sex

[namechangedforthisone35]

Out with the girls last night and my friends talked about the "need" for sex which I can't fathom. It's obviously not a genuine need like air and food.

Clearly if you're ttc, then yes, you need sex. But that's the only situation it would be essential otherwise it's not exactly for survival is it?!

My dh and I (43 and 35) dtd maybe 4-6 times a year. He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me. Three kids including a toddler, a dog, both work full time, up at 4.30/5, sleep comes first every single time.

Do others really see it as a need?!

I guess people are defining “need” differently and I see some online dictionaries now include it meaning something wanted very badly, rather than something physically required, which is how I would use it.

What I find really fascinating about these threads is the way so many people operate on the assumption that everyone is the same (or all women are one way, all men are another is a variation on this theme).

I mentioned before the cultural view that men have a need for sex whereas women don't, and women are responsible for fulfilling straight men's sex need and/or fulfilling that need is a reasonable trade for the "things women want" in a relationship (security, intimacy etc), either by being good little wives/girlfriends and ensuring that their husbands are getting their needs met, otherwise they only have themselves to blame when he goes off and has an affair, and/or that it's "cruel" to "enforce celibacy" on someone, and at the worst end (not seen in this thread thankfully) that sexual assault is excusable because what is a man supposed to do???? Or by not leading men on if they don't intend to provide sex (etc).

But the other themes being - nobody needs sex, why would anyone even want sex, total waste of time, don't understand why men are so obsessed with it, and this vague sense of horror/distaste that almost comes across as judgemental to anyone who does say it's important to them. I tend to assume, I might be wrong, but I think this most likely comes from a situation where someone (usually straight female) has had a sex drive anywhere from lower than average to asexual, but has been so relentlessly pestered with variations on Cultural View by men in their lives who have taken their low sex drive as "women don't really like sex anyway, you have to cajole them" rather than "Oh this person isn't that into sex, well never mind then" that they are so totally fed up of the whole thing and are so relieved that they have finally reached a point in their life when they actually say no, I don't want to, no more, and assume everyone is probably just having sex for the vague sense of "you should be doing this" and would feel the same sense of relief if they could give up the charade.

Or the one where someone does consider sex (whether physical or intimacy or connection or however they define it) to be a need separate from other needs, and they make the assumption that women who say/think they don't need or want sex are probably just deluded/bitter, have never had an orgasm, have been traumatised, have never had good sex and feel sorry for them

I just find it so weird when people are so very convinced that everyone else must be like them and if they think otherwise then they are just mistaken. Most people are aware that introverts and extroverts exist, why wouldn't that be the same for sex? I remember during lockdown my DH was working from home, hadn't seen anyone except us and supermarket cashiers for about 9 months at a time, he was happy as a clam, didn't bother him at all, whereas I was going stir crazy and really struggling with my emotional reaction to not seeing people after a couple of months of being told I had to stop work. I get very weird and intense when I don't have social contact. It is absolutely something I need for my mental health to function. DH went out to some work thing last night and he had a good time, enjoyed himself - but he won't voluntarily do it again for a while.

I'm in a similar situation and I've had enough. I've got one foot out the door. If things don't improve pretty soon it'll be the end. New year, new start. I'm actually quite excited about it now, the thought of being happy again.

Im not talking about sex with a partner.
I'm talking about sex for the sake of sex. Which would be with anyone just for the sake of it if sex was a 'need'.

@Pinkbonbon that's not so. Need doesn't have to be absolute, it can be contextual.

It's freezing outside, you'll need your winter coat on.
If you want to get that job you'll need the qualification
If you don't want next doors cat in the house you'll need to shut the door
When I'm in a relationship I need sex

The unspoken part about that last one could be: '... To feel bonded and loved' or '... To express my desire and feel desired'... Or, several different reasons can be contained within that simple statement.
It doesn't matter, there's nothing about the word need that means, unless you need it at all times in a relationship or not, it doesn't count.

It's not an essential need but it's an important factor in most relationships.

Saying that some people d not want to have sex or have a low sex drive and that's fine if it works for them

Of course not a need like food or water but I think for the majority of people in a romantic relationship, sex is a crucial part of that relationship, for many of the reasons others have mentioned above.

This doesn’t mean your relationship is wrong, only that it is probably more in the minority group than the majority for you and your husbands ages.

If l don’t have regular sex l get grumpy. I don’t need a complicated relationship though.

l need passion, lots of oral and to be held by another.

@StarlightLady not all relationships have to be complicated. Drama free, simple, straightforward is often said to be boring and it's so not. It's lovely. Not complicated at all.

The semantics of the word 'need' are actually irrelevant as is the picking apart of human desire.

You can talk around it as much as you want op...but the fact is you know your husband isn't happy with the situation.

Then why doesn’t he use his words, @Comedycook ? Or vote with his feet?

That's not true. She does not know he is unhappy.
They don't talk about it, so the reality is things appear fine, and he may, or may not, be content.

He appears to be content, the relationship is loving, and the situation is the same it has been from day 1, so it would not be reasonable to assume he is unhappy. He may be accepting and feel their connection, family and life are good for him as a package. Sex is one element of a relationship. He committed to the relationship knowing what he was getting, he may well be just fine (though many on this thread might be baffled by that).

On the other hand, life and our feelings are not static, so our view on things can change over time, so not communicating together, on any topic, creates a situation where those little subtle evolutions on our position, if there are any, go unnoticed.

The risk here for op, is that she doesn't know the latest iteration of how it makes him feel. There might be no change - committed+accepting, feels the relationship gives him what he wants in life as a package.... Or he might be finding time is changing how he feels but doesn't know how to bring it up.

Op doesn't know he's unhappy at all, she just doesn't know what he thinks on this.

Agree! My post was bad wording on my part! Sorry about that. Yes, l need sex regardless of whether or not l am in a relationship. It scratches an itch that otherwise uncomfortably builds up, regardless of any DIY.

Some relationships are lovely some are highly complex and quite sad. A complicated relationship is not what l need. I did not mean to suggest that was the only type of relationship you could have.

Oh I’m with your friend , no it’s not a survival need but in a relationship I NEED sex at least twice a week . Off course there are exceptions but that’s what I would expect from a couple ( we are both early 40s) to be having . Personally I would like more often but hubbys job is physical and he often comes home knackered .
Sex is 100% part of any healthy relationship.

That is so alien to me . Are you asexual by any chance ? Did you never enjoy sex ?

It's even worse for women because they likely have lower libido and they tend to be mainly aroused by romance, being in love and intimacy which often disappears over time.

I sometimes find it strange that so many people equal love with sex in a relationship.

Yes when people fell out of love, they usually stop having sex.
But it’s not because you’ve lost your libido that you don’t love the person you are living with.
and in the same way, its not because you have sex that you love the person either.

For me the ‘i really fancy my partner and can’t envisage a relationship when this isn’t present’ is the stuff of the beginning of a relationship. Maybe close to infatuation.
But as a deeper love develops, sex and love get a life of their own and aren’t automatically related to each other.
Now ofc, having sex/making love can be a way to express that love, have some intimacy blablabla. But I wouldn’t equate one with the other after a few years, let alone 15~20 years of marriage.

Fwiw I don’t like the fact that, in English, making love as an expression is seen as 🤮🤮🤮

When we started using ‘having sex’ as a way to talk about sex but with intimacy, a deep connexion etc… , we’ve muddied the waters a lot between having sex - the sexual act - and having sex - a bonding, intimate, with deep connection and feeling -
Those are not the same and many posters who mention needing sex actually I talk about the second type. Not the first one.

because no distinction between the two types of ‘sex’ is made, the assumption is that you can somehow correlate the number if times you have sex with the health of your relationship.
But really? Can we say that crap, unfulfilling sex 3 or 4 times a week is the sign of a healthy and loving relationship whereas sex once every 2 months but fulfilling, loving and intimate is the sign of a relationship on its knees ‘because clearly you dint fancy your partner’??

As a bi woman, l would refute that women have lower libido. To me, “aroused by romance” is a fairy tale and sexist male driven (non) logic!

Lots of women want passion. And a partner who makes a serious effort, be it a ONS (or less) or a 30 year relationship.

Absolutely this. Good sex is more important than flowers and stuff (women friends are more likely to give me flowers, IME.) Frequent good sex even better.

Ah! But if you want to offer good sex and flowers, now you are talking. Form an orderly queue please 😂🌹🌺.

Yes. A need to feel loved and good and cherished and a woman. When you get toddler cuddles you get love from that. So maybe need sex less. But it's a need yes. For a lot of people.

I didn't say all women. Statistically women have lower libidos.
Being aroused by romance and being in love is not a fairytale. It's about being aroused by new relationship /new partner and excitement of that - that's what I meant. Romance of a new relationship.
From evolutionary perspective women were not meant to be with one partner forever. They would move on after child was a bit older to find even stronger /better partner and have new better genes for new offspring. And for that to happen they would have to get bored with sex with old partner as to not risk the pregnancy with him instead of new partner. As women can only get pregnant with one man.

There is so much research confirming women have much higher libido in beginning of relationships and get bored quicker than men.

Nearly all women who had no desire for sex in their long marriages suddenly have their libido back when they have a new lover.

I didn't mean flowers! And I definitely didn't mean flowers instead of sex! Seems like people completely misunderstood what I wrote!
I meant romance and passion of a new relationship. The anticipation, being in love, desiring one another etc etc.

I was responding to a man who like so many men thought that men get bored in long term relationships while women don't - they just get tired of sex.

While in reality women's libido is usually very high in new relationships where they are into someone and woman get bored with sex in long term marriages even more then men do! Especially when there is no effort, no romance (no I don't mean flowers), no passion etc.

I meant romance and passion of a new relationship. The anticipation, being in love, desiring one another etc etc.

I'd agree that's passion, but it isn't what I understand by romance, but maybe I just don't know what romance really is.