Page 11 | No one actually "needs" sex

namechangedforthisone35 · 2023-12-03T05:33:03+00:00

Out with the girls last night and my friends talked about the "need" for sex which I can't fathom. It's obviously not a genuine need like air and food. Clearly if you're ttc, then yes, you need sex. But that's the only situation it would be essential otherwise it's not exactly for survival is it?! My dh and I (43 and 35) dtd maybe 4-6 times a year. He'd probably like more but that's more than enough for me. Three kids including a toddler, a dog, both work full time, up at 4.30/5, sleep comes first every single time. Do others really see it as a need?!

Ascubudr · 03/12/2023 19:00

AlltheFs · 03/12/2023 18:57

I bloody love orgasms. But I don’t need a partner for one.

When I was single I’d go for a long time without a partner- I had plenty of casual sex when I felt like it, but also times when I went a number of years without.

In a relationship or not I still sort myself out most days. We have plenty of sex as a couple too btw, but I don’t “need” it specifically. If something awful happened that meant we couldn’t then it wouldn’t destroy our marriage.

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My orgasms are soo much better with PIV, I love the feeling of DH ejaculating inside me. I think it's just the way I am made.

DonnaBanana · 03/12/2023 19:06

In the very weird sense of “need” meaning to stay alive, no one needs a job. No one needs to cry. No one needs to get excited about things. No one needs to hug. But these things make life rich and interesting and sensual. You can live without them and sex if you want though.

heartofglass23 · 03/12/2023 19:11

If I had to put money on it I'd guess the DH has been getting it elsewhere since day one.

Lots of men have Madonna/whore complexes. They are happy to have one woman as the sexless wife and another(s) as sex objects.

Do you not need your parents? Orphans survive.

Do you not need your legs?
Paraplegics survive.

Etc etc.

OhmygodDont · 03/12/2023 19:22

I mean it’s not a need it’s a want isn’t it but then having children is a want not a need. Being rich is a want, eating steak and caviar,
driving as a posed to walking is a want not need etc etc

I don’t personally understand the point in a relationship with no or near to no sex. Might as well be house mates. Sex is the one thing unless your poly or a cheat that you only do with your partner compared to just being mates. 6 times a year would have me climbing the walls hell 6 times a month would too. I’d rather be single than married with no sex at least then there’s a reason for less.

Pinkbonbon · 03/12/2023 19:45

EarthaKittsVoice · 03/12/2023 17:24

To the people saying sex isn't a need and can't see what all the bother is - do you not like orgasms? Have you ever had one? If you have I can't understand how you would be fine with having sex a few times a year

Well you can have an orgasm without sex. Not sure sex is worth it for an orgasm. I mean it also means having to go on birth control or take pregnancy risks or shag someone unsuitable or even couple up with someone unsuitable.

Only reason I'd bother with sex would be if I was really, really attracted to him. Maybe with love in a long term relationship its different becayse it's about feeling close with the person. But single...don't need a guy for pleasure. Infact they're more likely to cause you stress than to help you relieve it.

Chouxpastryishard · 03/12/2023 19:51

What about those who choose to remain celibate? Nuns, priests, monks , the Dalai Lama? If it was really a need they would have gone up in a puff of smoke.

Diamonde · 03/12/2023 19:54

Chouxpastryishard · 03/12/2023 19:51

What about those who choose to remain celibate? Nuns, priests, monks , the Dalai Lama? If it was really a need they would have gone up in a puff of smoke.

Since when were 'needs' life or death?

All it means is something you can't compromise on, that is very important

Comedycook · 03/12/2023 19:59

namechangedforthisone35 · 03/12/2023 16:29

Ok fairpojnt that maybe m, eventually my husband will get fed up, but as I said, he's known me to be this way since the day we met. I haven't suddenly changed. We were never "at it like rabbits" at the start. Waited until I'd known him about 4 months before anything happened and then it was sparse and infrequent from the get go. He can't be surprised, nor can he assume I'll change when he's literally never known different.

I can't imagine anything more depressing or soul destroying than marrying someone who has never wanted to rip your clothes off or felt passionately about you. Why did you get married?

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 03/12/2023 20:01

Janiie · 03/12/2023 16:55

Yes but people change, they get bored if they have a partner who won't even make an effort.

He maybe knew what he was signing up for bit quite possibly could, at some point, think nah this forced twice a year thing is soul destroying and boring.

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And in that case,
HE should bring the issue
HE should start divorce proceeding.

Why is it that the assumption is that this man will just have an affair? It actually paints a very poor image of men in general. People who don’t have the balls, literally, to raise difficult issues. People who want it all - the wife at home to look after them, cook, wash etc… whilst they get their jolly in the side. Having their cake and eating it.

Id hope that men, as a group, aren’t like this. Or maybe they are. In which case, you might wonder we, women, even start relationships with them. We should stay with ONS or FWB instead.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 03/12/2023 20:02

Comedycook · 03/12/2023 19:59

I can't imagine anything more depressing or soul destroying than marrying someone who has never wanted to rip your clothes off or felt passionately about you. Why did you get married?

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Sure.y, you should ask the question to the DH?? 🤔🤔

Comedycook · 03/12/2023 20:04

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 03/12/2023 20:02

Sure.y, you should ask the question to the DH?? 🤔🤔

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Well yes but if I said "why did he marry you?" Id get flamed!

But op...do you not find him attractive?

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 03/12/2023 20:04

Pinkbonbon · 03/12/2023 16:43

I don't know how people can be arsed unless they really, really fancy the person tbh. Sex for the sake of sex just seems like a mechanical pointlessness.

My sex drive only really appears if I'm smitten by a hottie. And for some reason occasionally when I travel (Things like being crammed up against other people on the tube maybe or being in a hot country where everyone's a little light on clothes... might stir things up a bit for me).

It's a wonder to me that some people onviously just walk around with those urges 24/7. I still wouldn't describe them as a 'need' though.

You usually find those of us who are in long term relationships AND have regular, good quality sex do actually really really fancy our partners.

I don't wander around thinking about it all the time, nor do I get the urges when rammed up against strangers on public transport (total opposite). But, DH snuggles into me in a particular way and thats it, its on!

He's very good looking my DH but it's not about him being a "hottie". It's the shared life, the shared values, he does things for me (and to me) and for our life together. He's a gorgeous man inside as well. And that's the attraction.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/12/2023 20:19

Chouxpastryishard · 03/12/2023 19:51

What about those who choose to remain celibate? Nuns, priests, monks , the Dalai Lama? If it was really a need they would have gone up in a puff of smoke.

Isn't that the point - that they're giving up something important and normal in order to dedicate themselves to something spiritual? If it's no big deal to eschew it, then they aren't doing anything of note for their particular deity.

Chouxpastryishard · 03/12/2023 20:20

I’m not saying it isn’t important, but it’s a want not a need.

RaraRachael · 03/12/2023 20:27

Definitely not a need for me. Not had it for years and never will again, Tbh it's a great relief as I found it a chore that had to be endured.

I can't really see that it would enhance my life in the slightest.

Mummymummy89 · 03/12/2023 20:29

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 03/12/2023 20:04

You usually find those of us who are in long term relationships AND have regular, good quality sex do actually really really fancy our partners.

I don't wander around thinking about it all the time, nor do I get the urges when rammed up against strangers on public transport (total opposite). But, DH snuggles into me in a particular way and thats it, its on!

He's very good looking my DH but it's not about him being a "hottie". It's the shared life, the shared values, he does things for me (and to me) and for our life together. He's a gorgeous man inside as well. And that's the attraction.

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I agree with all of this.

I wouldn't have married my dh if I didn't fancy him physically. Quite a lot. And we'd been together 8-9y before getting married so I just don't buy the "it has to be fresh" theory from a pp above.

But the sex has to be good, for you to want it. I have female friends IRL who've told me that they've been through whole relationships without having an orgasm, and still got sad when they broke up. It's heartbreaking.

I do think op could explore the avenue of discussing with her dh about trying to have better sex, if that is the issue. If he's too selfish/lazy/clumsy to get it right, then he's only got himself to blame for the low frequency. This is pure speculation on my part but I do think it's the most common cause of so-called dead bedrooms

Panaa · 03/12/2023 20:31

Humanswarm · 03/12/2023 09:13

Sorry if this has been said before, I haven't had time to read the whole thread. But if you look at Maslows Hierarchy of needs, sex fits into the first category of physiological needs..it's ingrained as a most basic need along with food and shelter, mainly because, as with animals, sex is required in order to reproduce. But it also fits into the Love category and self-esteem. For obvious reasons. So yes, sex is a need. Although granted, there are various things that impact us during the course of our lives, which change how that need looks for us as individuals.

It's a need for the species to reproduce but as an individual need it doesn't really fit into that category on Maslows Hierarchy of needs at all.

Air/water/Food/Shelter
If someone is missing those then they will do whatever they can to seek it out, survival instinct will kick in and people will eat whatever or do whatever they can to try to get a drop of water.

But with sex, some people who say they 'need' it will stay in sexless relationships for years or decades even though they could seek it elsewhere.
So it doesn't fit in the most basic of needs.

It definitely fits in the 3rd category of love and self esteem.

However, safety is in the 2nd category, which explains why people who don't want to have sex with their partners are so resistant to it once it starts to feel traumatic or they've developed an aversion due to going along with unwanted sex.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 03/12/2023 20:35

Mummymummy89 · 03/12/2023 20:29

I agree with all of this.

I wouldn't have married my dh if I didn't fancy him physically. Quite a lot. And we'd been together 8-9y before getting married so I just don't buy the "it has to be fresh" theory from a pp above.

But the sex has to be good, for you to want it. I have female friends IRL who've told me that they've been through whole relationships without having an orgasm, and still got sad when they broke up. It's heartbreaking.

I do think op could explore the avenue of discussing with her dh about trying to have better sex, if that is the issue. If he's too selfish/lazy/clumsy to get it right, then he's only got himself to blame for the low frequency. This is pure speculation on my part but I do think it's the most common cause of so-called dead bedrooms

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I have a friend who has only ever had sex with her DH, has never enjoyed it and doesn't see the point. She's told me they can go months without it (OP, are you her???)

She also talks about him like she utterly hates him and makes him sound like the grumpiest man. I knew him before they got together and know he's not the nicest of people, but I do sometimes wonder if they might like each other better if they had better quality sex 🤔

OhHowTheDogsStackUp · 03/12/2023 20:40

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 03/12/2023 20:01

And in that case,
HE should bring the issue
HE should start divorce proceeding.

Why is it that the assumption is that this man will just have an affair? It actually paints a very poor image of men in general. People who don’t have the balls, literally, to raise difficult issues. People who want it all - the wife at home to look after them, cook, wash etc… whilst they get their jolly in the side. Having their cake and eating it.

Id hope that men, as a group, aren’t like this. Or maybe they are. In which case, you might wonder we, women, even start relationships with them. We should stay with ONS or FWB instead.

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Oh, women have affairs plenty enough too. Plus, who are these men having affairs with when they're not gay? Women who want sex.

I really hate the narrative that only men experience overwhelming sexual desire.

There's heaps of literature about women and their desires. Three Women by Lisa Taddeo might be an interesting read for you. That's one of countless books on the subject.

Simonjt · 03/12/2023 20:41

Everyone has different needs in a relationship, it doesn’t really matter what they are, as long as they’re fairly evenly matched within the relationship. I needed someone who was physically effectionate, that doesn’t mean I needed someone who was glued to me, a need is rarely needed all the time. For us sex is important, as is holding hands, kissing and generally making time for each other. But it doesn’t mean you’re doing it all the time, and it certainly doesn’t mean one is doing it to meet the needs of the other, unless its mutual it shouldn’t happen. There will be very few relationships where a couple has a near identical sex drive, one person having slightly less sex than they would like is normal, it would surely only be a problem if they were having significantly less sex than they would like.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/12/2023 21:28

You have needs to feel close to people. Sex can be a way of meeting that need but it's not the only one

MaxTalk · 03/12/2023 21:38

Some need it, others don't. If what you get doesn't satisfy you then many will likely look elsewhere.

DonnaBanana · 03/12/2023 21:44

Sex for the sake of sex just seems like a mechanical pointlessness.

How to tell us you don’t get any hormonal or bonding effects from having sex with your partner without actually telling us.

flagonfull · 03/12/2023 21:49

I definitely need sex. I go without for long periods when I’m single because I would rather have no sex than non intimate sex with someone I don’t have feelings for.
I used to have a lot more casual sex when young but realised it was very seldom satisfying and often led by booze etc and now I’m older I much prefer the kind of sex you can have as you get to know someone over time and start to understand them and their needs , preferences etc and share yours with them.
I know a few women for whom sex isn’t very important and there’s been times when they’ve been surprised how much I love it.
One friend in a relationship absolutely hated sex and often did it out of duty and it was often their partner asking for more. She said she could take it or leave it then she got a new boyfriend and suddenly she’s discovered that she loves sex and has a whole new lease of life where she’s just never clicked that way with anyone before

SamW98 · 03/12/2023 21:56

I go without for long periods when I’m single because I would rather have no sex than non intimate sex with someone I don’t have feelings for

This is me. After always being in relationships where sex was very important I’ve now been single a few years and I would rather give myself an orgasm with sex toys rather than have casual sex with someone I don’t feel an emotional connection to.