I just want to be free of waiting for him

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I have been in a cyclical relationship with a man who only wants me when it suits him. He blames his past, his childhood, his family etc and says 'I just don't want to overthink us' but that's not good enough for me.

When he's good he's great but that's rare. The past few weeks he has let me down massively, after promising he had changed, and I'm exhausted mentally. The past couple days I have been unsure do I call him out on his s**t or do I just walk away? I've called him out on his behaviour 100 times over the years and he apologies, tells me I'm sensitive etc etc. This time after my disappointment I have just backed off and stayed very quiet but he hasn't been in touch and hasn't messaged. I find myself telling myself if he doesn't get in touch by the morning, I'll tell him to get lost but I just reset my boundary again because I'm finding it so hard to give up on this man.

I'm 35, have a good job, my own home, good friends and hate that this person has any control over me. My friends and family are DONE listening about this man.

It doesn't sound as if it's going anywhere; time to reset your boundary and preserve your dignity, no matter how painful. In six months you'll be wondering why you gave him so much of your life.

I'm sorry. You can't make him love you and be nice if he doesn't feel like it. He doesn't love you, and you know what you'd say to a friend if her heart was being treated in such a casually cruel way. Walk away, it will never get better.

It is an addiction. Like gambling. Actually exactly like gambling. You can walk away for a bit, but then you have to go back to put a penny in the slot because you crave the rush of chancing that this time it will be the jackpot.

The inevitable self-loathing when of course you lose, just sets you up for craving the rush again.

Time to take back your life OP. It isn't actually him that is causing any of this.

Surely you've answered your own question?

If you've called him out 100 times and 100 times he's reverted, then you know the 101st is going to go the same way.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, as they say.

Why aren't you DONE with him though? It's way past time. Seriously, ask yourself that. If you don't fix whatever it is that's keeping you begging for him, you'll do the same thing in another relationship. Life is too short for all that.

I think it's the dangling of the 'I've changed' carrot and the new thing he does to try and change. It's me projecting the how it all could be onto us that I see when things are great and I think 'oh this could be the time' but it's never different.

You know the old saying about the definition of insanity, OP? ‘Doing the same thing over & over again but expecting a different outcome.’

This is who he is, OP. Accept it or dump him.

Believe it or not I have quoted this to myself over the years.

I think it's that I've given up a lot for him over the years and made changes to my life so it feels a 'waste' to walk away.

You've wasted X number of years on him. Do not waste one minute more.

You're 35. Do you want a family? He is blocking you from that. What an arsehole he is, to use you and block you from your own happy future!

Throw him in the bin and get therapy to understand why you wasted so long on this.

Go out on dates with other men ASAP as well.. friends of friends!

I think it's that I've given up a lot for him over the years and made changes to my life so it feels a 'waste' to walk away.

This is called the ‘sunk cost fallacy’. I think you know that, too.

Concentrate on your job and friends and don’t contact him. Whenever you feel like contacting him either text a friend or use Mumsnet to distract you.

I had one of these and I’m bloody a lot older !
almost two years of this shit

total madness

you got to cut the cord

im a bit sad and conflicted

but oh my days so much less anxious and I’m flabbergasted it went on for as long as it did

I'm glad to hear you're less anxious @Thisisworsethananticpated xx

And don't worry I'm not tempted to text but every time my phone pings I hope it's him. Ridiculous that he just stops being in touch after me calling him out on his treatment of me. Makes me feel as though I'm in the wrong and then I doubt myself!

I think it's that I've given up a lot for him over the years and made changes to my life so it feels a 'waste' to walk away.

As pps have said, this is the sunk costs fallacy.

Say you've been with him 5 years and given up lots of opportunities just to go round and round like this, does it actually make sense to put in more years? It only gets worse- "I've wasted 5 years", and next year "I've wasted 6 years" and so on.

It's not a waste if you learn from it, if you walk away and grow, and go on and find something better for yourself.

It's a total waste to pour endless time and energy into something that doesn't work, just going round and round in circles doing the same shit.

Please just walk away, don’t waste your energy explaining or calling him out, it’s all been said before. I was in a similar situation for a couple of years and within that time he probably behaved decently for about a month if I compiled a “best bits” style montage. I found it really hard to let go just in case it wasn’t a total lost cause but it’s the best thing I ever did as it seemed to signal to the universe I was ready for better and the good guy came along soon after. X

Why bother 'calling him out'.

That's just another reason for you to contact him when he's blanking you.

"I find myself telling myself if he doesn't get in touch by the morning, I'll tell him to get lost."

Don't bother telling him to get lost.

Just leave him alone. Don't contact him at all.

“Ridiculous that he just stops being in touch after me calling him out on his treatment of me. Makes me feel as though I'm in the wrong and then I doubt myself!”

He’s gaslighting you, please get shot. You’ll feel a lot better without a constant knot in your stomach x

Be brave. Block his number. Arrange to do things with real friends. Treat yourself as you would like to be treated. Go cold turkey!

You seem to have perfect clarity in what you need to do, and all you need to do is put it into action.

Personally I would not even bother with telling him to get lost. If he hasn’t bothered to get in contact, it seems a bit futile; like throwing a toy at him after he has abandoned it, and yelling that he can have it back cause you don’t want it either.

I would just take a deep breath, make a decision in your own mind that you are worth better than this, and block him at every point of contact. Then begin the process of working through all the difficult feelings that arise when you are no longer hoping for the relationship to be saved by him “coming to his senses”.

I could have written this word for word. You cling to the hope. Let me tell you after doing this from the age of 15 - 35 with my one. The love you give is being wasted. The hours spent looking to see a reply, time wasted. Crying and wondering why you're not enough for him to do better. People do not change darling. I wish they did. I completely get where you are but the hope of waiting around to see if they realise what they have will break your soul.

Ask yourself why you are so willing to be treated by a man that’s scum and enjoys messing you about. You are so not the one for him and he is just using you when it suits him.

Change your phone number and stop bothering your poor family and friends with this.

Detoxes can be painful. They do not feel good. They can make you feel sick. But to go through a detox is to get clean, clear and free of the toxicity one’s body had grown used to as “normal,”

so yes, it’s going to probably hurt like hell to cut him off completely and learn to live life newly without him. No matter how many lows a relationship has, it will have some good, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be good for you and for your life and future.

cut him off. Be brutal about it. Absolute no contact, no “I’ve changed,” no more excuses, no more time of yours wasted. You’ve given him enough.

cut him off and maybe (this is just what helped me, so I’m offering it here-) journal about what you learned, what this relationship taught you. It’s a sort of closure, to see it as a lesson that came into your life, and is ABSOLUTELY over now.

he shouldn’t get to waste your time like this.

I started dating this guy via matrimony app three years back. We could not meet in person in the first year because of COVID, and also, because he was going through some personal problems. After that, we started meeting after every three months as we live in different cities. We have a good understanding between us; I do feel affection and his thoughtfulness. But everytime, when I ask about commitment to marriage, he goes silent and nervous. He tells me that he is unsure and confused and pressure on time makes him feel indecisive. The reason for being unsure is some of my traits which he hoped I will change but I didn't. Also, he feels that it is horrible to think about changing someone. The traits I am talking about are superficial, for example my inclination to speak specific language, I prefer speaking Hindi than English in routine communication. He thinks I do not have that much hobbies and I become defensive whenever he points out the same. I find this approach calculative. I feel that may be he has his own set of insecurities but he points mine to escape taking decision at the moment. We both are PhDs, so obviously there is no question of being financially dependent on each other. I feel helpless to decide. Because if one likes somebody, these superficial things should not matter..I have always believed about acceptance if it is love. I had accepted his unsure behaviour too thinking he is really messed-up. But now I don't know upto what extent should I wait. It feels low to wait for somebody to accept you, because I think I loved him, and he is just like this.. mentally fragile in a relationship. But I can't keep on delaying like this. I just can't forget the times we spent, everything felt genuine and real. I feel bad because his indecisiveness is ruining everything, and also, now I feel that maybe this doesn't matter to him that much.

Oh dear OP get rid of this man. He doesn't want what you wany but there are bound to be men out there who do want what you want. Get rid of this loser and go find one.

Do couples enjoys each other's company 24*7 ? And if this thing should be a criteria to choose companion for a life. And if he is unsure because of this fear, he surely don't have love for me ?