I just want to be free of waiting for him

[Timeout22]

I have been in a cyclical relationship with a man who only wants me when it suits him. He blames his past, his childhood, his family etc and says 'I just don't want to overthink us' but that's not good enough for me.

When he's good he's great but that's rare. The past few weeks he has let me down massively, after promising he had changed, and I'm exhausted mentally. The past couple days I have been unsure do I call him out on his s**t or do I just walk away? I've called him out on his behaviour 100 times over the years and he apologies, tells me I'm sensitive etc etc. This time after my disappointment I have just backed off and stayed very quiet but he hasn't been in touch and hasn't messaged. I find myself telling myself if he doesn't get in touch by the morning, I'll tell him to get lost but I just reset my boundary again because I'm finding it so hard to give up on this man.

I'm 35, have a good job, my own home, good friends and hate that this person has any control over me. My friends and family are DONE listening about this man.

Thank you all.

It is an addiction to the drama and the rush of adrenalin when he messages. It's ridiculous.

I have explored it in therapy and he's very like a parent I have and a bad experience I had in a previous 7 year relationship so I do know why this has happened.

It's great that you know why this has happened but now you need to work on letting go. Treat it like an addiction - go cold turkey, back to therapy if you can afford it to offload and stay strong. If all else fails can you move away and just cut all ties and not be in a short physical range of him.

It disturbs me that you didn't write 'it was ridiculous'. Are you going to give us the 'I'm a weak lady' excuse again in 6 months' time? Is that part of the drama? Never mind the therapy and the past. DUMP him and BLOCK him and MOVE ON with your life.

You’ve intellectualised all of this, but you’re not actually dealing with it.
you know he’s useless, you know it won’t work, you know why you want him, you know that’s not a good enough reason, you know you’re making yourself feel worse going back to him all the time,
but you’re still doing it all.
you need to accept that actually you quite like the drama, and the gamble that one day he’ll be the perfect man is worth it all to you. Or that you are worth more than this and you’re done.
That’s it. They’re your two options. You’re picking option one, so just pick it and stop torturing yourself if that’s what you’re going to do and at least have agency in the decision. Or walk away.

The longer you stay with an abuser, or the more often you return, the more abusive they get because they fundamentally lack respect for you

So staying/taking them back might look like loyalty/love to you but to them it’s just weakness/stupidity

And so they feel justified in escalating mistreatment/abuse

The “I’m in therapy” <sad face> is what also contributed to me offering chance after chance but like everything else about abusers it’s just a lie and/or a tactic because they are too cowardly & lazy for meaningful therapy

It is hard to get away, and gets harder the longer you stay because they break you down relentlessly

My advice is block now, even better to completely change number, & get yourself onto those freedom courses asap

In a couple of years you could be either living a happier arse free life or still posting here about how you might give him one last chance despite x number of added years of abuse from him (if you don’t block now)

Edited to clarify last point bc was so cross I didn’t proof-read

Op - at the end of the day it’s your life to waste🤷🏻‍♀️

So why not just reply to him and suck up his latest excuses - if that’s what you’re going to do anyway?

Or, actually block him and keep saying no until that becomes addictive - the longer you hold out, the more you’ll want to keep going.

Go back to the first page of this thread. Read what you have written. Then what others have said. Ask yourself why you have unblocked this apology for a partner. And then block him again and go col turkey for a whole day. Then two. Before you know it a week will have gone by. Then two.

Do it, go on, you can you know!

I agree with going back to the beginning of this thread and reading it.
Are you really going to waste another year of your life on this knob?

You're not his rehabilitation centre.

You need to work on yourself to find out why b yours addicted to him/ the drama

Not read the whole thread, just your comments op.

How old are you ?

Is this an affair, is he already in a relationship with someone ?

How long have you been together ?
Have you talked about living together in the future ?

All I can see is a woman who is sat waiting for phone messages and calls, breadcrumbs.

You know you don't want this for the rest of your life, no one does, it's painful, and he's enjoying your pain.

It's very wrong for him to keep you dangling, why must you wait till he drops you, take control and drop him.

Your future self will thank you.

He just wants you when he wants you. He doesn't respect you or your time. He will drop you when he finds his new toy and you'll be in a much worse situation. The best way to claw back some dignity is finally ignore.