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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just want to be free of waiting for him

111 replies

Timeout22 · 30/11/2023 22:59

I have been in a cyclical relationship with a man who only wants me when it suits him. He blames his past, his childhood, his family etc and says 'I just don't want to overthink us' but that's not good enough for me.

When he's good he's great but that's rare. The past few weeks he has let me down massively, after promising he had changed, and I'm exhausted mentally. The past couple days I have been unsure do I call him out on his s**t or do I just walk away? I've called him out on his behaviour 100 times over the years and he apologies, tells me I'm sensitive etc etc. This time after my disappointment I have just backed off and stayed very quiet but he hasn't been in touch and hasn't messaged. I find myself telling myself if he doesn't get in touch by the morning, I'll tell him to get lost but I just reset my boundary again because I'm finding it so hard to give up on this man.

I'm 35, have a good job, my own home, good friends and hate that this person has any control over me. My friends and family are DONE listening about this man.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 03/12/2023 17:10

You already know how the discussion is going to go as you've been there 100 times before. You also know that whenever he pops up again, he's coming back for his own needs, rather than being there for you - even the text he sent you wasn't "Hey, have been thinking about you. How are you doing?" but an attempt to start re-engagement by blame-shifting responsibility for his silence onto you.

If you want to give him closure (not so much for him, but so that you know for yourself that you behaved decently instead of simply ghosting and you've drawn a line in the sand), you could say, "I was quiet because I was taking time to think about things. As you know, I've felt for a long time that our relationship is not well-balanced. I really needed you in the last few weeks and you weren't there for me, which is a long-standing pattern. I've come to the point that I feel our relationship has run its course. I wish you the best."

Then block text messages as well and start to think about how you can process the relationship and move on for yourself.

drowninginsick · 03/12/2023 17:14

Reply to us instead!! He's 100% not worth it and you've already wasted so much time on him

TakeMe2Insanity · 03/12/2023 17:43

Delete his number, block him on everything. Simple.

chocolateaddict231 · 03/12/2023 19:41

It's hard to realise he doesn't care. He's probably checking in to not look the bad guy. Make him realise what he's missing by walking away

AllisColm · 03/12/2023 19:53

You are 35 - do you want to be in the same position at 45?55? Older, no children . I can guarantee that once you free yourself you will eventually think WTF was I doing!

appalledandtired · 03/12/2023 20:17

Would you rather have this man or a family?

Original poster
Timeout22 · 03/12/2023 20:54

I actually had a pregnancy with his man before. I won't go into detail but it didn't last and it was very traumatic. This was part of the reason I needed his support over the past few weeks, I have had some long term medical issues since the pregnancy. I am convinced the reason I want to make it work is because of the pregnancy but he acted terribly to me during this time.

OP posts:
appalledandtired · 03/12/2023 21:02

I am a bit confused OP, you say you want to make it work because of the pregnancy but that he treated you terribly during that time?

Original poster
Timeout22 · 03/12/2023 21:03

Reading it back, it sounds ridiculous.

I meant I think that is why I am so attached to this man, because of a trauma we went through.

OP posts:
appalledandtired · 03/12/2023 21:04

Have you tried therapy to work through this? I wouldn't hang around getting some if your long term plan is to have kids. You need to sort this out and get free of him because I can't see you having a happy future with him and kids.

appalledandtired · 03/12/2023 21:09

What is so appealing about this person?

Olika · 03/12/2023 21:18

The sooner you walk away the sooner you can meet someone with whom you can create something meaningful. You are wasting your time.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 05/12/2023 16:51

I'm posting here rather than texting him. I want to reply 'I asked why you disappeared and went quiet?' as if I just want attention from him or to make him feel guilty. I know I would regret it.

I have been considering writing a list about everything he did wrong, like exposure therapy. Has anyone tried this?

OP posts:
FloofyKat · 05/12/2023 17:12

Write it for yourself if it helps sever your emotional ties with us man. But don’t send it to him, the content and gesture will be lost on in, focus your energies on you, not him!

CheekyHobson · 05/12/2023 17:41

I don't know if it's exposure therapy but yeah, writing a whole list helps you see the scale of the reasons he's not good for you, and can help you stop ruminating. It's all there, in black and white, you can go back and look at it any time and don't need to keep turning everything over in your head.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/12/2023 18:52

Timeout22

the LISTS I had on my notes was something else
pages and lists ! All deleted now (and re deleted)

I feel like I did an A level on how to leave and stay away from a crappy relationship

Jagorey · 05/12/2023 20:20

As others have recommended...end this madness, when you look back in the not too distant future I can guarantee the only thing you'll regret is that you didn't do it sooner, I speak from experience.

lizkt · 05/12/2023 22:14

You're feeling a lot of pain and that's because you're going through a withdrawal process, much like withdrawal from any other addiction.

It's awful at first but after a while like 2 months or so, you start to feel better. No contact works best when they're blocked everywhere. But if they can get through to you, the contact triggers the feelings all over again.

You could look into SLAA or read Baggage Reclaim books.

Sundaycoffee · 06/12/2023 01:08

Yep this was my thread. Don't let it get to the point of him finding another woman for it to end like it did for me.
I'm now 2.5 weeks no contact and although it hurts like hell, I no longer have that horrible anxiety knowing that I was in an unstable and unhealthy situation that deep down I knew was going nowhere.
Even the messages he sends you sound similar to what i used to receive! Be strong and do this for you.

Sundaycoffee · 06/12/2023 01:09

SortingItOut · 01/12/2023 08:34

Have a read of this thread which is a similar situation- https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4934269-feeling-sad-and-stupid-rejected-by-ex-again?reply=130461787

And then buy and read the book I recommended Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl and you'll be able to move on with your life.

Meant to quote this!

Ihadenough22 · 06/12/2023 03:35

I saw a friend of mine going through some thing very similar to what your going to through with this man. Her man could not decide what he wanted. He said he wanted a family at some stage. So he kept my friend on the line by letting her think that it was just a matter of time before they would be in relationship. He went back to an ex and then realised that his ex was just the same as she had been before. My friend thought after this he pick her.
Instead she was their between other women.
My friend asked him to meet her and he sent a text message at the last minute lying to her about why he could not do this. My friend then found out via someone they both knew he had a new girlfriend.

My friend then decided that was it. She had enough of trying to get him to give her what she wanted. She said I good enough to support him when one of his parents got sick, when he was not well and he was unemployed. I was also good enough for casual sex but not good enough in his eyes for a proper relationship.
Surprise suprise his new girlfriend was younger than my friend and she already had a child.
Within a year his new girlfriend was pregnant with his child. My friend heard this via someone they both knew.

Within 18 months my friend found out a lot of things about him and she realised that she had a lucky escape in not getting into a relationship with him.
She told me I felt like contacting him on several occasions but I rang a friend instead or went online. It took her some time to feel better and move on but her life has improved after she started to put herself 1st.

SpringleDingle · 06/12/2023 07:31

The only way to get over this is to block him, delete his number and then suffer the twitchy “will he show at my house” feeling for a few months. It takes a lot of time. In my experience- 6 months to not have to talk yourself out of contacting him. You will feel so much better when you are free from the crazy merrigiround though!

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/12/2023 08:10

SpringleDingle

6 months is a fair estimate

I’m now 3 months in and I’m feeling better

I’m calmer , the intrusive thoughts have gone
but I’m still a bit ‘how the actual fuck did i put up with that ?’

billy1966 · 06/12/2023 08:55

If you stay with this loser it will be you that will end up alone, with regrets and feeling so foolish.

Help yourself.

The alternative is you choosing to ruin your life hanging around waiting for a man who couldn't care less about you.

It will be your future you throw away and you will only have yourself to blame.

He has shown you clearly he doesn't care.

Actions not words are what count.

You have had it spelt out to you clearly.

You will have absolutely no one to blame but yourself if you waste more years on him until he eventually dumps you.

Letsbepractical · 06/12/2023 09:17

I second everything the others have suggested already.
You will not get a closure from this man, no matter how much you’ll try. ‘Thank you for all the good times. I now need to focus on myself so I’ll not be contacting you anymore and I will not be responding to any contact attempts from you. I hope you’ll understand. I wish you well’. Then block, remove his name from your phone and social media and go cold turkey. And see it for what it is - the end of your connection with this person. It’ll transform your life for the better.