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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just want to be free of waiting for him

111 replies

Timeout22 · 30/11/2023 22:59

I have been in a cyclical relationship with a man who only wants me when it suits him. He blames his past, his childhood, his family etc and says 'I just don't want to overthink us' but that's not good enough for me.

When he's good he's great but that's rare. The past few weeks he has let me down massively, after promising he had changed, and I'm exhausted mentally. The past couple days I have been unsure do I call him out on his s**t or do I just walk away? I've called him out on his behaviour 100 times over the years and he apologies, tells me I'm sensitive etc etc. This time after my disappointment I have just backed off and stayed very quiet but he hasn't been in touch and hasn't messaged. I find myself telling myself if he doesn't get in touch by the morning, I'll tell him to get lost but I just reset my boundary again because I'm finding it so hard to give up on this man.

I'm 35, have a good job, my own home, good friends and hate that this person has any control over me. My friends and family are DONE listening about this man.

OP posts:
SavBlancTonight · 01/12/2023 07:34

I had one of these in my early 20s. Obviously, I was you g so there was a lot of drama 😆😆😆 but I eventually (with much drama. So embarassed), told him I wanted him out of my life completely blah blah blah.

I was devastated.

But it was amazing how quickly my view of him changed. I saw him at events a few times after and honestly, mostly I was just surprised I had been so besotted.

End it. You know he won't change. Last I heard mine was still flitting from.rrlatuonship to relationship with no commitment to anything.

itsallnewnow · 01/12/2023 07:57

I've been there and it's gets easier day by day.

Yes you've wasted a lot on him. But 5 years from now you can have wasted another 5 years or have had 5 years of a new life and maybe met someone who treats you good!

Dery · 01/12/2023 08:22

@Timeout22 - this is a very painful situation but you need to take back your power and end it. I’ve known men like this. Often they don’t properly commit to anyone ever. Sometimes they settle down and commit but it is NEVER with the woman they have kept dangling. It is with an irresistible new woman. Because he sees you as someone he can have without commitment and that will never change. That’s the blueprint now. And I’ve known women who wanted children and who gave up that chance for a non-committed man who then left and had children with another, younger woman.

Honestly, OP, this hurts now but it will hurt much more if you’re still in this position (which you will be with this guy) at 40, 45 etc. No-one is worth this.

Also consider that at some level it suits you to be receiving crumbs and not a full commitment. Perhaps you’re scared of the intimacy that comes with a fully committed relationship. As the product of a stormy marriage, I know I was and this was something I worked through in therapy. This might be worth looking at for you, too.

Take back your power. Block him. Move on. Your future self will be SO grateful that you did this now.

BackAgainstWall · 01/12/2023 08:26

He won’t ever change.

Be strong and don’t ever contact him again.

Take control of your destiny and stop putting it in the hands of someone who doesn’t care about you.

With respect, I can understand why your family are so done with it.

Imagine if you had a daughter who constantly went running back to someone who very obviously doesn’t really give a shit about her, unless of course it occasionally suits his needs.

Not a nice thought is it?

Set yourself free. You can do it.
Good luck 💐

FetchezLaVache · 01/12/2023 08:37

Honestly pet, please just read your first sentence back out loud.

He only wants you when it suits him.

Fuck that noise.

I usually think 'block and delete' is childish and melodramatic, but in your case I think that's exactly what you must do. So next time there's a ping, you'll know it's not him. Meanwhile, next time he wants a shag, he'll be utterly nonplussed that his message doesn't go through and he realises you've got bored waiting around for him.

Do like your username on this one.

NotLoud1 · 01/12/2023 08:39

People have friendships like this, people have relationships like this.
Some people just like coming and going when it suits them, wasting your time and energy with no regard for anyone but themselves.

They’ll waste your goodwill and time, over and over again. People very rarely change, they’ll show you who they are.
Had a friend of over 15 years like this. Best thing I ever did was ripping the plaster off and blocking them on everything.
Now I just surround myself with people who are respectful of my time and don’t essentially waste my life.

Might seem harsh or extreme but lessons have been learned.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 01/12/2023 15:11

The GUILT I am feeling today is rough. I know it's illogical but I've blocked him and just worry about how he must be feeling, if he could have changed and I guess (whether I should or not) I'm just really going to miss the good bits!

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 01/12/2023 15:13

Good for you! I don't suppose he worried too much about how you were feeling every time he went cold on you... He won't change and the good bits are on such shit terms that they're not worth having anyway.

funbags3 · 01/12/2023 15:18

"I think it's that I've given up a lot for him over the years and made changes to my life so it feels a 'waste' to walk away."

Leave before you waste any more time. This person will never be who you want them to be.

itsallnewnow · 01/12/2023 15:18

I'd bet my house he's not feeling guilty at all bless you. There is so much better out there for you

moonbabyx · 01/12/2023 15:20

The good bits arent even actually good. I used to say that all the time too. They just werent shit so fool you into thinking its good. If you feel anything like i used to with him, even the good bits were clouded because i always knew what was coming next and felt like i needed to be overextending myself in case it made him finally treat me nicely. His interest will peak when he cant get hold of you, but its like when you throw away a kids toy that they havent played with for ages. They want it because they want it, not because they WANT it. Ive literally lived your life, its awful.

OhGoodie · 01/12/2023 15:22

He won’t change. If he wanted to he would’ve done so by now. He is who he is, and you know in your heart he’s not what you want and will never be what you need.
Don’t waste any more years on him and get yourself some therapy to see where this need to change someone comes from. Right now is your time to move on, work on yourself and find someone you match with. If you wait any longer it isn’t about HIS shortcomings, it’s about YOURS in not respecting yourself enough to walk away from someone toxic.

Isheabastard · 01/12/2023 15:44

What jumped out at me in your first post was the “tells me I’m sensitive etc”.
This is the go to response people give when they don’t want to change their own behaviour

I was married for over 30 years to someone like this. Look up DARVO. The epiphany for me was realising that when he said something, it didn’t mean that he was being truthful. It’s a bit like the joke “how can you tell when a politician is lying? When his lips are moving”

Some people will say anything to ‘win’ the discussion/argument. So you can only tell their true intentions by what they do, not what they say. Sometimes they might actually mean what they say at the time they are saying it, but it doesn’t last. Don’t forget that to continue to feel morally OK for all the shitty things they do, or worse, don’t do, there’s going to be a lot of internal justification going on in his head.

If he can make you feel in the wrong and guilty even better.

You sound as if you know what you need to do, but you haven’t equipped yourself with the tools to do it.

Your friends and family might rally if you say to them ‘Im done with him and need help to stick it out’. If you’ve done this too many times, then maybe go online and Google or buy books on this subject.

Educate yourself as much as you can on this type of behaviour. My ex was diagnosed as a narcissist by my therapist. It helped enormously googling narcissm regularly to remind my self there was no point going back.

I felt guilt too at first, but the more you understand them the more angry you get and that helps sweep the guilt away.

Remember he doesn’t always tell you the truth. He will tell you what he thinks you want to hear so he can continue to get away with his selfish behaviour.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 01/12/2023 16:26

What I'm remembering is that he plays the victim, his favourite phrase is 'this is just how I'm wired' as an excuse for everything and also he has quite broken relationships with his family etc because he doesn't engage properly with them. He has a lot of friends because on the surface he's a lovely, confident man but very few 'close' friends because he doesn't give a lot of himself to others

OP posts:
Dery · 01/12/2023 16:59

“What I'm remembering is that he plays the victim, his favourite phrase is 'this is just how I'm wired'”

So he’s made clear he’s not going to change no matter how anyone else feels, so he clearly accepts the consequences that come with that. Including you walking away. No need for you to feel guilty at all. He’s had loads of chances to get it right and failed. The only guilt you should feel is towards yourself if you continue to let him dangle you. Good on you for blocking him.

category12 · 01/12/2023 17:24

Dery · 01/12/2023 16:59

“What I'm remembering is that he plays the victim, his favourite phrase is 'this is just how I'm wired'”

So he’s made clear he’s not going to change no matter how anyone else feels, so he clearly accepts the consequences that come with that. Including you walking away. No need for you to feel guilty at all. He’s had loads of chances to get it right and failed. The only guilt you should feel is towards yourself if you continue to let him dangle you. Good on you for blocking him.

This.

JoanMacIntosh · 01/12/2023 17:29

Actions not words OP. He’s showing you who he is, believe him and stop waiting around for him to turn into the partner you wish you had. You’re 35, go and enjoy yourself, men make up half the population there’ll be another one.

alwaysstressed · 01/12/2023 17:35

Men are simple folk, if they like you, they'll be with you.
It seems like he's just not that into you. Its time to move on

Original poster
Timeout22 · 03/12/2023 15:52

He messaged me via normal text message (we use Whatsapp only) saying 'I sent you a message on Friday but it didn't deliver and said 'we've both gone quiet'. I replied saying 'why had you gone quiet? and he said 'well we both did so I thought I should check in'.

It's pathetic but I felt angry/anxious at seeing his message. He is meant to care for me and to go from speaking everyday to be cared for so little is rough. He knew I was in a time of needing him and disappeared. I'm writing this here so I don't reply to him!

OP posts:
LongAndWindingRoads · 03/12/2023 15:57

You've invested a lot of time, with nothing really to show but mental anguish.
Time to draw a line, he will never change no matter how much you want him to.
Go no contact, it's the only way to get him out of your system.

CheekyHobson · 03/12/2023 16:19

Notice how he doesn’t answer your question directly but instead makes out that the “blame” is equally shared.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 03/12/2023 16:59

You're so right @CheekyHobson. He always throws it back at me. He was the one who stopped replying and then says we both went quiet

OP posts:
Original poster
Timeout22 · 03/12/2023 17:00

I just want to snap and say 'what do you actually want from me?'......must resist the urge!

OP posts:
funbags3 · 03/12/2023 17:01

Just get rid of all evidence of him, all messages, everything, and move on.

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